Under the Stars
by BabyJane14
Summary: This was it, her life as she'd known it before the mess of a year was over. Now she was left with the hardest decisions of her life alone, they were something she didn't want to have to think about or deal with by herself. All she wanted to do was run.
1. Truth Be Told

**Author's Note**: ok, so the second part of this first chapter went into a direction I didn't actually mean for it to go but it went there anyway. For the first time I'm actually a little afraid to post it. review? your thoughts are very needed and remember, if you hate Vanessa please don't read. you're honestly not going to find anything thing that you like in any of my stories. If you do read it and you like it let me know. oh, and I have to mention I don't really have a beta so i'm sorry if there are errors.

-Manda

* * *

Jenny had complained nonstop about her hair with every step she'd taken walking up the stairs from the subway, Dan had tormented her as only an older brother could have making her only complain more. His children's bickering beside him couldn't have brought a bigger smile to Rufus Humphrey's face as they walked to the Brooklyn loft. After spending a night at the Van der Woodsen pent house with the women he'd been in love with most of his life with her two children, his two was oddly enough everything that Rufus Humphrey could have wanted. Watching Jenny and Eric laying on the floor playing monopoly while Serena laid in Dan's lap reading a book and watching the fire was comforting. Now listening to the two bicker and complain as they always had as they headed back to the place they'd grown up in he knew that somewhere along all of the mess-ups he'd gone right with something. He had a son who may have been too smart for his own good at times, but none the less was a pretty good kid. A daughter who had her rough ups and downs but he understood that growing up without a mother around at a school where mean girls and rich bitches ruled everything Jenny was doing the best she could to be normal. He'd done a pretty good job so far, there hadn't been anything majorly wrong with the way he was raising his kids. That was something that he could pride himself on. Even in the days of slight confusion after learning of the sun he'd never had a chance to meet.

They weren't his little children anymore, the children he'd attempted to teach how to play football or took to the playground while their mother had her 'days of dark art' as she'd liked to call them. Those were some of the days he remembered the best, the days he watched them grow up alone in front of his eyes. Thinking back to it now he should have known Allison wasn't ever going to last as being a full time mother. She hadn't been cut out of the job in the first place. Now it was to be Alex's job to deal with her, to hope that she didn't make the same mistake with the that child that she'd made with her oldest two. Speaking of the children they'd raised, they were growing up now. he was still having a hard time trying to think of what it would be like with his eldest child and only son away at college in the fall. It meant Rufus would be stuck with a teenage daughter and the misfit that was like having a second one. Yes, at least Rufus knew that Vanessa wouldn't be leaving come fall. He didn't have to worry about Jenny completely losing everything when Dan left.

Being the father that he was Rufus didn't exactly always see the slight line between getting along and treading water that Vanessa and Jenny's friendship had become. He didn't like to know that a guy had come in the path of the girls he still looked at as the innocent six and four year old making mud pies in central park from so many years before. It was hard to believe of the pair that had once been so close suddenly being so dislodged by one boy.

"Dannnnnn stopppppp"

Hearing his daughter complain Rufus came out of his thoughts only to find his son holding the door of the building shut and causing all three of them to stand out in the rain.

"Oh come on Jen, it's not like you're going to melt. Standing in a little bit of water isn't going to kill you, you're not Blair Waldorf, if you were then you could be worried you'd melt."

Shaking his head as he listened to the two argue back and forth he stepped in front of Dan and pulled open the door to the apartment standing back so that they could run ahead of him up the stairs. They did exactly that without a complaint. He walked up the stairs behind them slowly only to find them yield at the door and music already coming from inside the apartment. It could only mean one thing.

"Alinas Morissette?"

He heard Jenny question as she turned to look at Dan who was already nodding his head.

"Her anger music, at least she's off the sad stuff"

As Dan mumbled Rufus unlocked the door and ushered the kids in the house everyone dropping their bags beside the door as Jenny and Dan went off in a dash to Dan's room. Vanessa's erratic mood swings were something both Humphrey kids were doing almost well with, dealing with how she went from having her highest highs to the lowest of lows. Rufus had seen them too, as she worked. She wasn't the same Vanessa she'd been before her broken heart, the evidence was written all through her hazel eyes.

* * *

In their mad dash to Dan's room Jenny had stopped short feet before the door causing Dan to turn around and look at her for a moment, it not registering what she was doing. Silently Jenny was pointing to the bathroom door. Dan traced his steps back beside his sister to lean enough to peer into their small blue tiled bathroom. An odd place for anyone to be asleep but after spending a few nights at the Abrams apartment it only seemed like Vanessa was taking a few lessons out of Ruby's books. Leaning against the cool tiled wall Vanessa had her head in her knees but all sounds made them bet that she was asleep, there wasn't any sobbing coming from her, a relief from previous days. Not speaking, just nodding their heads in agreement once they both walked into the bathroom beside each other and took seats beside the tub on the floor sandwiching Vanessa in between them. It took longer than brother and sister had expected for hazy eyes to blink open and attempt to focus on them.

"What time is it?"

Blinking a few times Vanessa yawned clamping her hand over her mouth for a second before looking back and forth and settling on resting her head on Jenny's shoulder.

"Almost two o'clock in the afternoon"

Dan said as he brushed a piece of hair behind his best friend's ear as her eyes shut. She'd hadn't been herself since she'd dragged herself into his window two days after Jenny's sweet sixteen. Even if it was only a week ago she still hadn't been the same. She still refused to tell him all of the reasons behind her hysterics, the only thing he could really gather was that she and Nate were defiantly over. From Gossip Girl's latest spotting he'd been frolicking around with Blair like he'd never even had a relationship with Vanessa in the first place. For being one of the good guys Nate sure had a strange way of showing it. Dan wasn't even sure how he was supposed to be toured Nate anymore, the guy that was supposed to be one of his good friends had a bad habit of double crossing all the females in Dan's life.

"I got here at ten and came straight in here because I felt like I was going to be sick. I guess I just fell asleep. I guess I was a little tired, I feel fine now. It's probably just something I ate last night. I don't know, I just don't feel like myself."

Jenny was still sitting with her arms around their best friend trying to consol her, between Dan and Jenny they'd done plenty of that in the past week. A vibrating above their heads made Vanessa's head snap up and her hand fly to grab it before the phone fell from the ledge of the sink above. She took one look at the number and both Dan and Jenny could see the slight image of panic in her eyes. Confusion slightly swept them both up as they looked at one another.

"I have to take this"

Her voice was nearly a whisper as she looked at the phone only, allowing Dan and Jenny to give one another a strange look. Vanessa was suddenly awake and alert out of her sleeping mode. Knowing what Vanessa meant they both stood up one at a time and started to leave the room leaving Vanessa by herself on the floor of the bathroom.

"I'm gonna go check gossip girl"

Piping up Jenny reached the door first throwing a look to Dan to leave Vanessa alone. From the look on Vanessa's face he knew she was waiting for him to leave too. He nodded his head and stupidly pointed to the door as he walked out and shut it behind him. Standing outside the door Dan and Jenny listened for a moment, to figure out what was going on with her, the water in the sink suddenly running prevented them from hearing anything that was going on inside of the room. Dan shrugged his shoulders and headed into the kitchen as Jenny went to get her lap top. Even after all the trouble she'd gotten into due to gossip girl Jenny couldn't seem to leave any of it alone.

"Where's V?"

Dan sat down and looked at Rufus as the words left his mouth. Raising his hand he pointed down the hall as he watched his father for a moment.

"Phone call"

He shrugged as Rufus brushed it off and started to clean up the kitchen that hadn't been touched in a day, it seemed like lately they were living half at Lily's.

"Ok, gossip girl has a new spotted of the week"

Sitting up on one of the stools and placing her lap top down on the counter top Jenny didn't take her eyes off of the screen to look at her father or brother, she just began to ramble off the newest announcement gossip girl had posted on where everyone was in their lives.

"He and Blair were at some restaurant opening, ew, parade that you're a manwh… hi daddy."

Rufus clearing his throat made Jenny stop in her sentence and look up at him, her blue eyes shown with a fake innocence to them that made Dan snicker and try not to laugh himself. Typical.

"Complains about my dress, Chuck being Chuck, You looking for a jo…"

Before Jenny gets another word out of her mouth slamming from the bathroom door made them all jump as quick walking approached the room faster than normal pace. They all turned to look at Vanessa who had her hood up over her head. She wasn't any longer on the phone but she hardly stopped for small talk, Vanessa was on a direct line to the door regardless of any distractions that might have been around the room. She seemed frazzled and out of it as the three watched her with confused expressions. Vanessa was usually the most put together during the day, suddenly she was acting far from that.

"I'll call later"

Almost in a mumble she shut the door behind her just as fast as she'd gotten into the room leaving all three of the Humphrey's watching after the door for a moment. Dan was the first to shake his head, he was starting to get used to his best friend's secrecy. It seemed like Vanessa didn't tell him very much anymore something that if he let it bother him he'd be up for hours without sleep at night. Vanessa hadn't ever been an open book like most people would have thought by looking at her.

"Everything ok with her?"

Rufus asked breaking the silence as both Dan and Jenny looked at one another not knowing exactly how to respond to the question asked. They didn't know what was going on with her but she certainly didn't seem like herself.

"She's just having a rough time with the breakup"

Shrugging it off Dan pulled a bag of chips from the table and opened them.

"The last of GG's update is Vanessa being doomed boring as she headed to a doctor's office… I can't believe she is picking on me and my sweet sixteen again. It's been almost a week, isn't it time for someone to have a new scandal?"

She complained as she shut her lap top and leaned back on her stool reaching for the chips in Dan's hand.

"Speaking of scandals, talk to mom lately? She's not still inspecting us to come to Hudson this summer is she really? I don't think that will be exactly comfortable."

With a quick glance to his father to make sure the topic of conversation wasn't one that was going to taint the mood of the day he looked back at Jenny hoping she had the answer to his question. The thought of having to spend even part of the summer with his mother, Alex, and another illegitimate sibling, it apparently was just the year for new and old siblings popping up out of the woodwork.

"Well if she is expecting us to be there at least she's past the throwing up stage, I can't believe she waited that long to tell us. What does she think are, some distant family members?"

Jenny was far from happy from the newest predicament, the fact that she and Dan hadn't been the first two to know. Rufus had just shaken his head at the news. He didn't put being selfish past Allison anymore, she'd been selfish enough to leave her children without much notice.

"Know what, I'm so sick of a people hiding things lately, that's all anyone seems to do anymore."

Speaking her mind again she laid her head down on the counter as Dan and Rufus both looked at her. They both knew it was just the way life worked.

* * *

She was numb, her mind was absolutely numb. She'd thought she hadn't had anything left in her stomach before she'd gotten the phone call she defiantly didn't have anything left in her stomach after it. Vanessa wasn't ready for any bit of reality to touch her, she just wanted to escape, escape and get far away for as long as she could. His place, it was the only escape she could think of. It wasn't as though it was his lips she craved on her neck or anywhere else on her body, it was just the only thing she could get. Using him was the only thing she could think of to do. He could help her get away from it all and he'd use her just the same. If she closed her eyes she could already feel the liquor sliding down her throat, burning all the way down as it went. It was the only thing she could think of to do to make it all go away for a little while. The problem wasn't one that would just go away if she blinked her eyes and took a swing, even if it cleared away her thoughts for a little while it was worth it. Anything to not have to linger on anything, just to pretend everything was ok and normal sounded good.

Pulling the black hood from over her head soon as she was outside of the door she knew she was safe from any gossip girl spies. With her hand she wiped away any lingering mascara from the tears that had escaped and slid down her cheeks as she'd sat as calm as she could on the subway. She didn't bother to knock as she twisted the door handle of the room he locked himself away in most hours of the day. Walking in on him and a 'client' wouldn't have fazed her if that's what she walked into. She couldn't have cared less if he was in the room with four girls around him, she didn't want him in that way she just wanted him to numb her feelings for a while. She pushed the door in and stepped though, on first step she could smell the smoky air coming from what she assumed must have been his bedroom. Not that that was the only room in the house Chuck limited his 'activities' to.

Dropping her sweatshirt on the floor beside the couch she grabbed the crystal bottle of vodka off of the glass table and poured herself a glass. Holding it up to the light she debated her moves for a few moments watching the illumination bounce off the glass. Her better judgments were telling her to put down the glass and go home where she belonged. Yet, it was the dominating judgment that won out as she brought the glass to her lips and downed it without stopping letting it cause a fire in her throat as it went. It felt good to think of only the liquor as she found her way to Chuck's room, the door slightly ajar.

"I knew you'd be back for more"

Much as she resented his voice and everything else about him she looked straight at him as he stared her down in the mirror. She kept telling herself that she was only there to make herself feel better, she couldn't go home or she'd end up droning in her own pain and mistakes. Placing the crystal glass down on his bureau she started to feel the liquor seeming to start taking affects as it mixed with the fumes from the blunt in Chuck's hand. Vanessa ran a hand through her semi wet hair and made her way to his bed.

She slipped closer to him to straddle his lap as his hands slipped under her shirt to touch her skin. Vanessa didn't pale to pull away for even a second, anything for something that wasn't what she'd been dealing with all day. It didn't matter if it was three o'clock in the afternoon or midnight Chuck was always ready and for once she was ready too. She could feel exactly how ready he was against her lower abdomen; generally she would have been completely disgusted. This time, it was exactly what she'd needed.

"I don't want to talk, I don't want to hear your thoughts. I just need you to make me forget."

With her voice one that she hardly recognized she didn't pay much attention to her conscience that was begging her to stop self destructing. With her best attempts to droned the voice out she took the paper rolled hash out of his hand and brought it to her lips as he reached forward tugging at her shirt to take it off, his mouth slipping messily along the hallow of her neck and down to the lace of her bra. Chuck Bass wasted no time when a female was placed in front of him. He was like a rabid dog with a piece of meat.

"That I can do"

His voice was husky as she pushed the robe he'd had on off, it didn't take seconds for him to pin her down on the bed on her back. Vanessa held tightly to the rolled paper in her hand taking puffs from it whenever she could coherently think. Her shirt was off, her sweat pants were being slipped off all has his mouth slipped further down her body. Her mind wanted to race and remind her that what she was doing was wrong but with every inhale her thoughts got further and further away. With every time his hot breath made its way to places that made her forget a twinge of guilt hit her harder, she knew in the morning she'd regret it all.

Everything was moving fast, just as she'd known it would, just as she wanted it to. For being her escape he was working well. His mouth was all over the place, his body falling into an easy rhythm, it was all just there. They weren't the ones either of them wanted, they were just the ones they had to make do with.


	2. Not to Feel

**Author's Note**: sorry if this doesn't come out very coherent i'm watching a movie on lifetime and throughout most of it Chace has been shirtless... talk about an amazing sight first thing in the morning. ;) anyways this chapter was unexpected. I thought it was needed after a few of the reviews (which by the way I have to mention more then made me smile, I'll get to them later but thank you so much) so chapter three is basically finished also! good news isn't it? depending on your reviews it'll be posted late saturday or on sunday. just a note here Cora, who's in the second part here is the waitress from the Greek cafe, she gets Nate's coffee in 115, he knows her by name. thank you to Mia for remembering her name :D and of course Katie, thank you for putting up with my random texts, you know it wouldn't be written if it wern't for you, and, i'm sorry about the CV stuff. (they don't bother me :P) ok i'm going to shut up and stop rambling now. just enjoy and leave me a review ;)

oh! one more thing, I don't think i've quite mentioned it before - Six Feet Under The Stars is an amazing song by All Time Low (if you read my stories you see the pattern) you should totally listen to it on you tube - or even iTunes. the acustic one is the best!

-Manda

* * *

The warm spring sun filtered into the normally dark bedroom casting enough light on her for her hazel eyes to pop open and meet with the bright day. That in its self made her want to pull the covers back over her head. The rain was always much more preferred in Vanessa's mind, the rain dripping down on anything always gave her so much more of an excuse to live in her mind. She pulled the red satin sheet around her tighter shading her body from the window. It didn't matter that his suit was feet off the normal ground Vanessa was still paranoid. With her eyes open she focused around the room, on all the classic black and expensive knickknacks and she instantly missed her dreams. She missed the allusion of having the right him wrapped around her as she slept contently in his arms. She missed waking up to him kissing his way up her neck only to stop at her lips and lean his forehead against his. That was all something she didn't have and wouldn't have wanted with Chuck. Shifting her head to look to the side of her she expected to see Chuck asleep with his back to her. When she realized he wasn't there she breathed a sigh of relief for a moment as she stared to sit up. Pain filled her immediately. She'd expected the bruises and the soreness, she'd pushed for it if she remembered correctly. She'd pushed for it to forget everything that had happened in the day. Between him on top of her, the smoke in her lungs, and the vodka that was working into her blood stream she'd ridded herself of all of her problems for the while.

Today was a new day, a different story, a day to face reality. Her head ached as her mind caught up with her body. It occurred to her just how drunk she'd been, just how high she'd pushed herself to be. Just how much of a mess Vanessa had been when she'd downed her first crystal glass of vodka. Now she could see the empty bottles that littered the well kempt white carpet, she'd drowned her sorrows the previous night. Not something she should have done. She'd allowed the fumes from the burning white paper to take her over and mesh every feeling and emotion and replace it with things that didn't actually exist. She could still taste the tar in her mouth, the stale taste of kiss pressed scotch from Chuck's mouth. She wasn't sure if it was reality setting in or the thoughts from the previous night that made her stomach flip flop but something was to blame.

Soon as she was up on her feet the head rush came causing her to lean forward in attempt to settle herself. The feeling was one she was beginning to get used to fist thing in the mornings. Nausea still intact she reached down and picked up the shirt she'd had on previous to put on again. It wasn't till she pulled it down that she noted the St. Jude's lacrosse logo. Part of it made her stomach turn more if that were even possible. Not waiting another second Vanessa flew through the bathroom door and knelt down in front of the toilet.

She couldn't have cared any less that the bathroom mirror was fogged up or that there were moans coming from inside of the shower. He was Chuck Bass, the thought of being alone frightened him and it seemed like he was always ready for another go. Vanessa was just relieved that he hadn't woke her up for sex first thing in the morning, Vanessa never had done mornings very well, not sober and not hung-over, there was only one guy that had ever been able to persuade her into that without hearing a complaint. That was it, which was the final thought it took before all the liquor from the night before came up from her stomach and met with the expensive porcelain of the toilet.

Her gagging never once disturbed what was going on inside the shower as she laid her head again the cool tiled floor for a moment letting herself relax and calm down. Once she felt everything slowly going back to normal she stood up and made her way to balance against the sink for stability. Reaching for the mouthwash she poured a little in her mouth just as the water in the shower shut off. Without looking she shut her eyes and reached for the towel beside her holding it out for Chuck and whomever was with him. It was an image she didn't care to see first thing in the morning, especially after already throwing up once.

"Thanks Flora, we'll continue this tonight if it's necessary I have a few other appointments to call now, you're dismissed."

His slimy voice speaking to whoever was beside him made her roll her eyes as she spit out the strong mouthwash and made a face only opening her eyes when she heard woman's footsteps and the door shut. Part of her wished they'd of just kept on so that she could have snuck home without having to deal with him any. Vanessa could feel him behind her, his hand on her inner thigh rubbing a slow circle back and forth, towel wrapped around his waist brushing against the back of her she stood ridged and still.

"If you were hired help I wouldn't be paying you. You slept all afternoon; I had to call someone to… help"

As he whispered his lips pressed against her throat making her stomach turn again, it wasn't his fault, she just wasn't ready for any sort of contact.

"Chuck, don't"

Stepping away from him her voice was strong as she wiped her mouth on a towel and walked to the bathroom doorway leaving him to follow her back into his room. He watched her as she laid back on his bed putting her hands over her eyes in thought. That was one thing about Vanessa, she was always opinionated about things, even when she was high. It was a clash of games with them both demanding the things they wanted most, how they wanted to play it all out.

"You called me Nate last night; I think I should be taking that as an insult."

Vanessa's eyes flashed open and she lowered her look at him to a glare before rolling her eyes.

"You call out Blair's name no matter who you're fucking"

Not caring how vulgar or annoyed her voice sounded she stood up and walked back to his bathroom locking the door behind her so that she could shower alone. Weeks ago she never would have used that term for it but in the cases in which Chuck used and in the way that Vanessa was using chuck that's all it was. There was no part of making love, it was just sex, a simple hookup to make the time pass by faster. Leaving Chuck to watch after her for only a moment before he rolled his own eyes and proceeded to get dressed, picking his signature pair of purple pants and a purple tie.

* * *

Cora was a twenty-eight year old single mother of three that worked two jobs not including her three times a week shifts at the Greek café to make ends meet. She had integrity and flair and would have been so much more if the nine, six, and two year olds didn't need attention every time she turned around. She had been on the high road, perfect grades, acceptance into an ivy, everything that would have lead her to be one of the best lawyers she could have been. Then Cora's life took an unexpected turn, she fell in love. She fell in love and couldn't fall out of it. Married and pregnant at the age of seventeen against her parents' wishes of course, Cora had gotten herself emancipated just to start her own live without being looked down on for what she'd chosen. That was the other thing about Cora, there wasn't a moment of what she'd done that she would have changed. Her husband being killed during a drive by shooting in the Bronx a year and a half ago was the only thing she would have had she had the chance. Stephan, Jackson, and Noelle were her life; she catered to her two boys and little girl as though the world were on its final spin. She might have had to work for every dime she had but she spent everything she could on making her children happy, that was Cora's main concern.

It was something Vanessa hadn't ever seen before, seeing someone that dedicated and caring throwing away their entire life at such a young age, forcing a person to give up every last part of themselves, to hold on to nothing but memories of the thoughts of what could have been. The thought alone made Vanessa shiver. She'd known Cora for just a little over a year, she'd gotten to know her pretty well as she'd waited for '_him'_ to show up so that she could apologize for judging rather than getting to know him. She hadn't expected Nate to already have known Cora and Cora's stories. Knowing that he's listened to Cora and been one other person for the twenty-eight year old mother to talk to brought a smile to her face back then. That was the Nate Archibald she'd fallen for, that had been the past.

The usual booth she normally occupied was empty across the room, instead Vanessa had picked the dark back corner where she could pull her sweatshirt to her tighter in attempt to hide from the outside world for as long as she could. She knew that the Greek Café would be her true hiding spot, there were only two people that knew where she went to think and one of them worked in it. Vanessa sat, staring into the same coffee that had been poured hours ago. She hadn't taken so much as a single sip out of the cup, she hadn't touched the now cold souvlaki on the plate in front of her. She hardly lifted her head to look around. All of her thoughts were beginning to catch up with her, the emotions played at her eyes as though they were rain water tempting floodgates.

"Alright V… spill"

Cora sliding into the booth across from her made her head snap up. She gave out a long sigh as she laid her head on her hand, elbow propped up on the table.

"You smell like you just spent the night in a liquor store."

She mothered again as she put her hand under Vanessa's chin turning her head and making her look her in the eyes. Though she'd headed home to take a shower before going back out the vodka still seemed to leak from her pores. She'd consumed too much to make anything go away with a little bit of soap, and a not quite full night of sleep.

"and those eyes… bonta mia! What have you done Vanessa! Mi raccomando, tell me it's from lack of sleep and you didn't do what your eyes say you did."

The guilty expression on Vanessa's face as she pulled her hood back up and put her head back down on the table admitted her faults and doings.

"What were you thinking? Do you have any idea what that stuff does to you? Vanessaaaa, what am I going to do with you? Just because Nate is being a jerk right now doesn't mean that you should do these things to yourself. You know better than that."

Rubbing her eyes she lifted her head up and finally looked at Cora, all of the hurt shown in her eyes beside the blood shot drug induced gaze. It hadn't been the first night she'd smoked with Chuck, it was just the first time she'd been caught by someone. No one else had looked her in the eyes long enough to not mistake it for crying. For the past few weeks she'd used Chuck as her escape, drinking and smoking away her thoughts and fears, trying to make things not what they were.

"It was a mistake, I know"

Vanessa dared to speak out as Cora continued to shake her head, disapproving of Vanessa's behaviors. Vanessa herself knew that the reaction would be as such as soon as she walked into the café, but, she needed someone to point out what she was doing was wrong. Someone that wouldn't have been so harsh as Dan would have been.

"And what about what we talked about the other day Vanessa? Did that all come back fine? I'm assuming that you're not…"

As Cora spoke an uneasy feeling grew in the pit of Vanessa's stomach and she stood up from the table coffee cup in hand, fully determined to succeed in changing the topic. After the night she'd had the last thing she wanted to do was linger on it, the thing that made her want to escape in the first place. The truth that she just didn't want to face up to, she'd just prefer to think it wasn't real.

"I'm gonna get a cup of coffee, Jason won't mind if I get it myself right?"

Beginning to turn away from the table Vanessa was stopped almost right away when Cora reached out and grabbed her wrist not letting her get away so easily. Vanessa wouldn't look at her, she couldn't look at Cora, all she wanted was to get away.

"Vanessa don't…"

Protesting on Vanessa's actions Cora attempted to bring Vanessa back into focusing on the conversation that had been at hand before she'd gotten skittish with it. Cora was concerned now, more then she was by just the bloodshot dilated eyes when Vanessa had looked up, or the smell of vodka resonating off of her skin. Cora knew the out of control behaviors were a cry out for help. A cry out because there was more going on in Vanessa's life then she could handle on a sober stomach. Her eyes stayed on Vanessa as Vanessa pulled her cell phone out of her pocket.

"I actually… Ruby's gonna be heading out and I don't know, I haven't spent much time with her. I think I'm going to head out with her and the band tonight. But I'll be in next week, promise."

Squeezing her wrist out of Cora's hand she put some money down on the table, turned and headed for the door before Cora could get another word out of her mouth. If there was anything Vanessa was becoming a pro at it was running away from the things that haunted her. Cora was worried, Vanessa normally had a good head on her shoulders and was so sure of herself, this was clearly not the Vanessa she'd always been. Vanessa was losing all control of herself.

* * *

Soon as Vanessa opened the door to her apartment the smoke seemed to pour out of it like the clouds that had gathered when the sky opened up over central park as Vanessa walked to clear her head. Every step she'd taken had brought her closer to home, closer to where she should have stayed rather than venturing out into any of the madness. She'd actually been looking forward to getting home, kicking off her boots and laying on the couch snuggled up in a quilt while she watched sappy movies with subtitles and cried. That had been exactly what she'd planned on doing, unleashing tears and blaming it on movies she'd seen over and over again in the past. Anything to just unwind for a few hours and live just as she'd been before the Upper East Side had sucked her into the madness that surrounded it. Had she known then what she knew now there was a chance she would have run away, back to her parents in Vermont, and not looked back. Then she wouldn't have had a broken heart, a few times over. She wouldn't have been over her head in issues that she couldn't fix simply. All Vanessa could think of was if she were still with her parents in Vermont she never would have fallen in love, she'd still be holding onto her video camera as though it was the only thing of importance in her life, she'd still feel like normal Vanessa Abrams. That was something she liked the sound of more than anything else, her problems not existing.

The cloud of smoke that came out of the apartment filled Vanessa's lungs with smoke making her cough and cover her mouth and nose for a second before adjusting to the smell of the nicotine. So much for her peaceful time on the couch, it looked and sounded like Ruby had begun party time early. Vanessa sighed and slammed her free fist against the doorway, all she wanted was some time to herself. Taking another breath of the cigarette smoke that filled the apartment she walked through the doorway, a 'green' bag of groceries from whole foods in her arm. Sure enough in the small kitchen that hardly had standing room was filled with Ruby and other members of the band. Girls Vanessa saw on a daily basis throwing back drink after drink before a show. Vanessa didn't want anything more than for them all too just leave her kitchen and leave her completely alone for a few hours.

"Baby sister! I was starting to think you'd once again ditched me for the rich hills of the East Side. Come, come, come on, we've got Corona! A package of Marlboro lights! Everything you could ever want… come on V, loosen up with us for a while. Get your panties out of your ass and unwind, it feels great."

Ruby was spinning around in the middle of the kitchen like a child playing ring around the rosy. Vanessa could only roll her eyes at her sister's childish antics. It wasn't anything new, she always acted like it when she was near friends.

"Vanessa! Ruby said you were with your boyfriend again. We weren't expecting you to be here. Here, I just opened this one. You can have it."

Lara, the girl Ruby was closest to handed Vanessa a glass bottle like they'd always been old friends. Vanessa still couldn't figure out how she put up with the friends Ruby had. Vanessa took the glass bottle out of her hand and put it to her mouth for effect sake. It wasn't hard to humor the already drunk.

"Ru, I think Mr. Stripes here left you a surprise on your bed"

Coming into the kitchen a girl with pink spiky hair held a cat by its tail as she swung the angry cat back and forth. Vanessa watched out of confused eyes hoping someone else in the small apartment would claim the animal or at least volunteer to go and clean up after it if it really had made a mess.

"aww my precious Cookie! My sweet little pumpkin"

Vanessa watched as Ruby took the cat from the pink haired one's hand and cuddled it to her nearly suffocating the thing. Just what Vanessa didn't need to deal with, a cat. The cat took a swipe with its nails at Ruby to backed away from it and dropped it straight to the ground. Vanessa sighed and shook her head as she walked to the fridge and began to put the stuff she'd picked up away. The glass bowl on the floor caught her eye as she finished putting the oranges in the draw.

"Ruby? What did you feed the cat?"

Turning quickly she raised an eyebrow at her sister while right behind her the girl with the pink hair dropped to the floor in front of the cat.

"I think it's pork… I don't know Ness, it's whatever the meat was on the shelf in the fridge."

Talking as though it was nothing Ruby almost shooed her away and Vanessa turned around with a loud growl like sound erupted out of the pink haired one's mouth. Vanessa looked at her as though she were nuts as she raised a hand to run through her hair.

"It's ok Vanessa, that's Courtney. We think she came a little high already. She seems to think the kitten is a young lion in training. She fell down a flight of stairs a few weeks ago, she's not all there."

Lara whispered as she finished the beer in her hand and placed it beside the sink taking a few steps closer to Vanessa, Lara had always seemed to want to get as close to Vanessa as she always could. Over the years Vanessa had learned to just brush it off, Lara liked to be touchy and feely.

"ok baby sister, the whores and I are going to hit a gig in the meatpacking then I think we're all gonna come back here and crash tonight if you can just clean off the mess that Cookie made on my bed it would be great. Thank you so much, don't do anything I wouldn't do."

As Courtney stood up from the floor and looped her arm threw Ruby's who was waiting beside the door Lara lingered back to Vanessa for a moment as she always did. Lara was Ruby's ex girlfriend, the girlfriend that never seemed to go away. She was one of the few people Vanessa had a hard time tolerating not that she would ever admit it out loud, she kept Ruby content.

"You know, that offer's still open if you want to come to the dark side. It always will be."

Lara said taking a puff from her cigarette as she winked at Vanessa and her hand traveled to attempt to smack Vanessa's ass. A move Vanessa had fallen for far too many times before and knew better then to stand for again as she moved out of the way picking up the disinfectant and a few paper towels.

"Goodbye Lara"

Vanessa called behind her as she headed into the one bedroom of the apartment, the room Ruby had claimed soon as they'd set foot into the small apartment. She didn't bother to look back and see if the girls had actually left or where the cat was. She just proceeded into the bedroom to take care of the mess the small orange kitten had made. Just what she needed, a kitten off the street to take care of, there were times when Vanessa wanted nothing more than to strange her sister for her stupid ideas.

Sitting down on the corner of her sister's bed, the cat had made quite a mess. Vanessa sighed as she started to spray the bed with disinfectant. It was the soft meow in back of her that made her turn her head. The small animal was rubbing up against her ankle and purring. It seemed to be nicer then it had when Ruby and the rest were playing with it. The poor thing had to be scared to death and Vanessa couldn't blame it for a second, anything or anyone would have been afraid to be thrown into the mess. Reaching down Vanessa picked up the animal, she was always lucky enough for her allergies not to bother her so much. She could live with the stuffiness as long as Ruby was content.

"Bet you don't like being in here… bet you miss the streets where you were free."

Whispering to the cat she held it up to her face to get a better look at the little thing, she hadn't noticed the purring stop. it wasn't till the cat had lifted his paw and slashed her across the cheek with its nails that Vanessa finally dropped it back down onto the floor. Great, just what she needed, one more thing to not be on her side.

* * *

Now, to my amazing reviewers!

Nix - seeing a pattern now? hope you liked it!

Bina - V and self distruction seem to go hand and hand, if only the writers would do it right. hopfully next week will be a good week.

Evelyn - here's your update :D another will be coming soon

anonymous - and I was afraid that would get lost in translation with everything else going on! :D sorry about YOB, I do plan on updating it. I just have to finish it.

Alex!- The writers dissipoint me, they need to wise up. There's a lot more DVJ coming up, and more CV comfort, and perhaps even a nice side of Chuck... imagine that. :-P If I were done with college i'd be doign everything to get in touch with S, J and the rest, since they so despretly need help. lol

Christinamarie712 - hope the update was just as good! (:

andddd up next: Vanessa and Maureen, I don't know about you but I like Maureen... she seemed to like V better then B, so she's on my be nice to list.


	3. A Well Known Stranger and Decisions

Author's Note: ok so this chapter isn't what i'd intended it to be so the chapter with Maureen will just be next chapter. Looking forward to tonight's ep only because Vanessa is showed... of course :D ok read and enjoy, tell me what you think. I'm gonna go back to watching 'Sid the science kid' with my eighteen month old nephew now, lol (:

-Manda

* * *

Hardly feeling like so much as lifting her head up off of the gallery counter top when the bell on top of the door sounded she groaned in response instead. The gallery had been almost completely silent all day other then the phone's shrill shriek every once and a while. Rufus and Lily had headed away for the reminder of the week leaving Vanessa in charge of the gallery. Why she'd even opened for the day she wasn't sure. The last thing Vanessa felt like dealing with was people. Raising her head she took a sip from the straw in front of her, the ginger ale was worm now but she was too lazy to get up to get anything else.

"Um, this might be a kind of strange question but, is the owner in today?"

The strange voice made her jump, she'd forgotten that anyone had walked in, short term memory loss seemed to be plaguing her now. On first eye contact there was something about him that was familiar about the dirty blonde guy in front of her. Something that she wasn't sure exactly what it was. Vanessa stopped staring at him and trying to figure it out long enough to find her voice.

"Sorry, Rufus should be back sometime at the beginning of the week. he's away on a um… business meeting this week."

She shook her head not expecting the kid to pull out a stool and sit down. She really wasn't in the mood for company, turning the 'we're open' sign to 'we're closed' was something she really needed to do. How else was she to say it, Rufus was on a romantic getaway. Getting up off of the stool where she'd been sitting Vanessa turned around and picked up a mug off the counter, filled it with nearly fresh coffee and carried it back placing in front of the guy. If he had no intention of leaving she may have well have been nice. Pushing the mug over to him she noticed the DVD case he's put down on the table, 'Let the Right One In' was the sweetish vampire movie Vanessa had dragged Dan to see right before thanksgiving. It wasn't the best thing she'd ever watched but it also wasn't the worst one.

"My best friend and I went to see that when it was still in theaters"

Pointing to the DVD case she figured that if he was staying she might as well attempt at a little bit of small talk, maybe it would make him leave a little bit faster seeing that Vanessa lately wasn't all that much of a people person. She'd just have to make him want to leave faster then she could go back to her hours of solemn disappear, just like she seemed to spend every other hour lately.

"Yea, I've seen it a few times. it's not so bad. Little Otik was better, Jan Svankmajer doesn't get enough credit for the things she does."

He knew little known directors, Vanessa felt herself become a little more intrigued. Only in the someone to talk to way. The last time she'd found anyone that knew anything about indi films it had nearly cost her relationship. Then again, maybe if she'd just let it end back then she wouldn't have been in the situation she was in, in fact, she knew she wouldn't have been in the situation. That would have been impossible.

"Best independent film of all times though, Pulp Fiction."

With the words slipping from his mouth Vanessa gave him a look as though she thought he was crazy. Clearly the opinionated film maker had a different thought on the mater. Normally she did, Vanessa didn't often agree with anyone on any subject. She would have been a lot easier to deal with if she did.

"Yea ok, as if that's not going with the typical trends. When something gets as popular as that got how can it still even be called an independent film? That's like completely selling out."

She countered shaking her head at the thought, though, she didn't argue about it anymore. Whatever he wanted to believe was his choice. She'd just insist in her head that she knew better than he did, there she was again with the stubbornness.

"Mind if I ask why you're looking for Rufus? You look to young to be an art dealer. No offence if you are of course, I just mean that you don't… you're not one of the typical people that usually come in here "

The dirty blonde in front of her laughed and the smile across his face reminded her of someone. Something oh so familiar that killed her not to be able to figure out. At least trying to figure out who he reminded her of would give her something to do for a few hours.

"Yea, no, I'm not an art dealer. I'm nineteen… I don't think it'd even be possible to be a buyer. I'm down here from Boston… I just um, I have a few questions for him about… um… art."

Vanessa didn't question him on anything, which was not typical Vanessa. Normally Vanessa would have gone off questioning him to no end, but she was too preoccupied with everything to think past to everyday life. There was enough to keep her thinking for a while.

"I should probably… um, I'm Scott by the way"

Scott said as he extended his hand across the table waiting for her introduction back. She smiled at him, the name was new, defiantly not someone she'd ever met before. She raised her hand to meet his half way as she shook his hand back.

"Vanessa"

She gave him a genuine smile for the first time in weeks, at least he was someone that didn't know her. That didn't know her story and didn't feel bad for her. By the look on his face he wasn't in any way associated with the Upper East Side either. Though, after the Georgie/Sarah incident she had trouble trusting anyone who came through gallery doors. There was something different about Scott though, something that yelled at her that he wasn't some random spy, he was just a normal kid looking for Rufus for normal reasons. She'd give him the benefit of the doubt.

"It's nice to meet you, nice to meet anyone for that matter"

Mumbling under his breath Vanessa watched Scott as he stood up from his stool and walked around the counter taking out a coffee mug from the same place she'd taken his out of. She quirked and eyebrow for a moment till he placed it down in front of her and poured her a cup of coffee, not the typical type at all, Vanessa wasn't used to being served in her own café of sorts.

"Sorry, I'm used to taking care of people and you looked like you could use a drink. Actually, you look like you could use a shot of tequila but I didn't see any of that around so I guess coffee will have to do."

Managing a laugh at his statement she nodded her head yet denied the coffee as she sat there looking at it. Tequila he spoke of sounded good and when she concentrated hard enough she could feel any type of liquor burning her throat. But, that wasn't something she was about to do. Her days of drinking away her woes with anyone were behind her, there were other more important things she needed to think of now. that included using her best resistance to push away the coffee cup that smelled oh so tempting in front of her. She'd done enough toying with fate in the past few weeks, why add another to that list? Even if she hadn't made up her mind completely yet, she still couldn't do the wrong thing anymore, it made her feel far too guilty.

"So, since you're my only friend here… when are you going to give me a tour of the city? And you can't reject me and say you can't or won't. that won't be very nice to someone who could so easily get lost crossing the street."

Vanessa's mouth dropped open as she tried to deny being responsible for showing Scott around. Vanessa had never played tour guide and she doubted that she'd even do it very well in the first place. But as she'd heard him say, he wouldn't take no as a response. Vanessa would just have to suck it up and show him around the city without complaining. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Having someone else to befriend might have been a good thing for her to have for a while.

"Well fine, if you insist on it I'll show you around the city sometime next week. it's not really that hard to figure out but, I'm feeling nice today. Just stop back in here sometime next week and we'll come up with something, some type of plan."

Scott's smile once again crossed his face as he reached to pour himself another cup of coffee, black coffee, just the way Dan took it.

* * *

She knew Cora's work schedule without even having to call her up and ask. Vanessa and Nate had spent nights after their dates bringing Cora and the children ice cream. Tonight as Vanessa crossed the busy main street she felt guilty for not having any ice cream with her. Noelle's smile was always refreshingly bright after a scoop or two of the cookie dough ice cream. Tonight not being able to provide that to the children Vanessa felt guilty. Rather than taking the stairs her usual racing two at a time she walked slowly, procrastinating being face to face with Cora after their conversation almost a whole week before. She knew Cora would be disappointed in her still, she just hoped that the fact that her eyes weren't dilated or bright red any longer would count for something, that there was no trace of her blood alcohol level being elevated anymore. She was coming to her senses, it had taken a little longer then she'd meant for it too, but, she was working on it. The feeling of the confusion haunted her still, now, she knew what Nate felt like every time he opened his beautiful bright blues… his eyes were not something she wanted to think of, there was something about his eyes that made her think about her situation for a little while longer then she wanted to. none of it was anything she actually wanted to think about and to her semi relief Cora's door was right before her. She'd rather have been lectured then live in her thoughts any longer.

Raising her hand she knocked on the door lightly twice, it was nine o'clock at night… Cora's usual resting time while the children watched a movie before she tucked them into bed for the night. After letting the knock sit for a moment she twisted open the brass door knob and stepped through. The apartment smelled like Cora's home cooking, it brought a smile to Vanessa's face, at least some things didn't have to change. She could hear the children's light laughter coming from the living room as she hugged herself in her sweatshirt, children's giggling… it made her shut her eyes for a moment for many reasons. Maybe coming to Cora's hadn't been a very good idea. She didn't have another option now, she was already inside the apartment, Cora would have killed her if she'd just left without saying anything. she took another breath, saving the moment of hardly any thoughts before flicking open her eyes and walking to the little laughs.

"Cora?"

Keeping her voice somewhat low the last thing she wanted to do was to wake up any of the kids if they were asleep. Quick footsteps that could only have belonged to Cora made her stop in her tracks and wait for her friend to come and meet her half way to the living room.

"well, it looks as though someone had finally woken up… and oh my goodness, Vanessa what happened to your face?"

Vanessa reached her hand up and ran her fingers along the deep tear in the side of her face, there wasn't a way to exactly put a band aid on it so she's settled for antiseptic whenever she could find some in the house. The scratch was something she fully blamed on her sister and the wonderful angelic cat she'd brought home like a normal stray kitten. Cookie was far from a normal nice, friendly cat. The thing was vicious, Vanessa would have taken any animal over devil cat.

"Ruby brought home a stray kitten and I got into a fight with it, can only help me at this point right?"

As Vanessa attempted at what she thought was a harmless joke Cora's arms were crossed over her chest and Vanessa could see the disappointment in her brown eyes. Feeling guilty Vanessa looked down and fixed her sweatshirt while she bit the inside of her cheek.

"Keep quiet, there's something you need to see Vanessa."

Following Cora into the living room Vanessa's feet stopped short in the doorway and her mouth fell open at the sight before her. The only one awake and alert was Jackson, Cora's middle child, sitting up straight on the couch, eyes focused on the television. Stephen and Noelle were both sound asleep. Stephen with his head resting on his knee and Noelle's tiny two year old body sound asleep on his chest. The 'his' she was looking at was Nate, perfect blonde hair in his face, arms around the little brunette child on his chest, it looked like something of a Kodak moment. That's what made Vanessa so nervous about it. Her eyes felt like they were glued to his figure in front of her. Just what she didn't want to be.

"VeeVee!"

Jack jumped down from his spot on the couch and ran at her throwing his arms around her. Well it was good to know that someone missed her when they hadn't seen her in too long.

"Hey buddy"

With ease she lifted up the six year old and kissed his cheek only to have him tugged away from her by Cora herself. A pout came to her face as she watched Jack pout for a moment before wrapping his arms around his mother.

"He's too heavy for you to pick up right now, haven't you done enough on that accord?"

Giving her a look as though begging her to stop talking Vanessa sighed and rocked back and forth on her heels shoving her hands into the pockets of her sweatshirt and doing everything to avoid looking in Nate's direction; majority of her was just relieved that he was asleep. The last thing she wanted to deal with was him awake in such small quarters where she couldn't turn around and run out.

"Cora, I don't even know where to start"

Shaking her head she turned around again only for a moment to look quickly at Nate asleep with the kids. The last thing Vanessa needed was for Cora to say something and for Nate to wake up and hear it, her issues were her own, nothing something she wanted to share with anyone else. Especially not him, she didn't want him involved in a second of her decisions.

"How about you start out by telling me that you my darling have started to care a little bit more about your actions. Seeing as they don't just affect you Vanessa. Have you decided at all what you're going to do about the situation?"

Watching Cora's eyes as she asked, Vanessa could clearly see her eyes and her thoughts were glued to Nate. In Vanessa's mind Nate was as far from connected to the situation at hand as he could be. None of it was his mess to deal with. As she opened her mouth to protest the corner of her eye caught movement on the couch, her mind jumped to the what if's. What if he'd heard Cora talking, what if he'd figured it out… her mind wasn't strong enough at the hour to think of the fact that Nate never got anything quickly. It wasn't till his half asleep self reached for his cell phone out of his jeans pocket that she calmed down a little bit. After he read whatever text he'd received he looked up only for his eyes to land on Vanessa. Their eyes connected and it was a meeting of both pain and hurt all at the same time. It was only of a fraction of a second that they stayed connected before both looking at Cora.

"My girlfriend is looking for me, I'm going to put Noelle to bed and then go"

His voice was still hazy with sleep, a sound that Vanessa actually missed hearing at any time of the day or night. Vanessa did her best to hold in an annoyed scowl, of course, when his leash was tugged he ran. She hated that, at least she'd never demanded anything of him. Vanessa's eyes followed as a still very half asleep Nate picked up the sleeping child as he stood up and carried her past the women in the room to the bedroom she shared with both of her brothers. Cora and Vanessa stood looking at one another, Cora's all to knowing look was written across her face as she looked at Vanessa making Vanessa sigh and look away.

It had taken a while for Nate to come back out of the room, enough time for Vanessa to break her stare with Cora and attempt to wake Stephan up so he could walk to his room. When Nate came back out of the kids room she felt herself freeze as she tried to pretend she wasn't even half interested in anything he had to say.

"I really don't know how you do it Cora, you've raised them to be great kids. I just don't understand how you gave up everything to do it, I don't think I could ever do what you've done."

Leaning forward for a good by hug he smiled at her as she whispered in his ear.

"You'll understand when your own arrives"

Cora said with a pointed glance at Vanessa who had suddenly gone ridged. The only thing Vanessa was concentrating on was getting the boy she'd gotten to half wake up into his bedroom without another Nate confrontation. She felt like his eyes burned straight through her. She walked Stephen into the room with his sister but her ears lingered on the conversation being had outside of the children's bed room still. Most of her just wanted him to leave so she could have a long in-depth with Cora.

"I have to say Cora, I really feel like I got it right. like Blair is the right one for me and who knows, maybe we'll settle down in a few years. Mom's already made sure that the Vanderbilt ring fits on her finger. Maybe simplicity is just the way I've been supposed to go this whole time. I can really see Blair and I having children and a big fancy wedding at her choosing. It just all seems right."

As if she hadn't felt like she'd been punched in the gut before she now felt like her heart had been torn wide open and she was bleeding profusely. Vanessa in her daze walked clumsily over to Noelle's bed and sat down on the side of it. Nate had done the perfect job tucking her in, her quilt was tucked around her and the stuffed bear she'd always slept with was in her arms. She looked just as comfortable as she had when she was sound asleep on him.

"I don't know how I ever let Blair go Cora, I'm sure one of these days you'll meet her."

His voice was getting further and further away and Vanessa couldn't hear a word of what Cora was saying back to him. The only thing she took comfort in was the fact that she knew Cora wouldn't tell him. Tell him anything of the matter that she'd just made her mind up on. Soft footsteps walked back to the children's room and as Vanessa looked up her eyes feel on Cora standing in the doorway.

"Vanessa… I,"

As she began to talk Vanessa shook her head as she glanced away from the doorway. She couldn't look at Cora, she couldn't look at her and say what she needed to. there would have been no way for her to have gotten her words out right. leaning back against the wall on the corner of Noelle's bed she criss crossed her hands over her abdomen for the first time touching and feeling like it was really real.

"I can't do it Cora"

She shook her head and Cora knew right away what she was talking about, Vanessa could tell, disappointment colored her face. It wasn't like it was a decision Vanessa was making to get out of it, it was one she was making because she felt like it was for the best. The best for everyone involved. It wouldn't have been fair to anyone involved she'd decided.

"You haven't even talked to him about…"

Starting to try and reason Vanessa didn't want to hear it, as far as she was concerned her choice was already set and she wasn't about to change her mind on any of it. Looking up at Cora her eyes were filled with pain that she didn't try and hide, she had no reason to hide it. It was the most difficult decision of her life that she was making. Regardless of how she felt how could she put someone else in a position that they didn't want to be in? how could she doom someone else to having a life of misery that really wasn't even fully wanted. It wasn't fair to anyone involved.

"I'm having an abortion"

* * *

Francesca - you know what, your review made me go back and read stay close don't go an I noticed that I really don't like it. I was way to rough on Vanessa back then. the plot line for this one is different, promise! thank you so much for reading!

Alex - I lovee getting your reviews, I look forward to them whenever I update! lol. CV we need more of, even though they use one another we really do. as for my story, there's more CV on the way, quite a bit more CV. as for Maureen, she's coming up next chapter. I really think she meant well to V, she just no longer knows how to express herself in any way. Cora felt like she needed a background. NV have her in common :D

Evelyn - She's calming down now, she was in shock and reacted rather then thought about it, It was Vanessa's way of not feeling anything. with a sister like Ruby how can the cat be normal? :P the cat has a bigger part, it really shouldn't be anywhere near V ;)

Christinamarie712 - Vanessa's losing complete control, I hope you keep reading! :D

thank you to all my reviewers, I'll keep my fingers crossed for more on this chapter.


	4. Who Would Have Thought

Author's Note: Wow! the response for last chapter made me very excited! thank you so much, you've really made my past few days... all of you. so this was actully the first chapter of the story that I wrote, I like working out of order. :P so I hope you like it! enjoy! looking forward to your reviews! (more at the bottom)

-Manda

* * *

She'd known people, in Vermont she'd had friends that had gone through with the operation and were just fine afterwards. She'd had a friend here in the city that had had it done in a back alley and never gave so much as a second thought to anything other than the money it had cost her out of her pocket. Why was this seeming to be so hard for her, he wouldn't have cared. He proved that the night he walked all over her, he'd proved it again the night at Cora's. Why did she care so much and why couldn't she turn her emotions off like so many people had done before her. It wasn't a big deal and it would be over in less time than it had taken to start. She just needed to tell herself that it didn't matter and it never would. This was just another obstacle in life that she needed to get through in order to go ahead with her life. One day she'd look back at it and it would be exactly that, no big deal. She tried telling herself that in the moment it felt like it was more than it was. There wasn't anything that she really needed to protect. It didn't matter and it never would. It mattered as much as the lie of the three little words he'd told her mattered, it meant nothing. Then why did part of her feel like it was so wrong to be doing? Why did part of her feel like she needed to shut off and suck it up, what was done was done and she just needed to live with it and face it. She'd had her options and she was paying the price for the path she'd chosen. People made wrong choices all the time, but it wasn't like she didn't have options. There were ways of dealing with what she was going through, dealing with it and making it disappear. This was all just an unfortunate accident that she'd bumped into, an accident that she couldn't allow herself to have to deal with for the rest of her life. She was so much more then she'd become, so much more she could do as soon as the problem was gone. That was the side of everything that she needed to remind herself of, the side that proved that this was nothing more than an accident that needed to be taken care of.

Long as she did do it she'd just be able to go on with life like it hadn't ever been an issue, so she told herself anyways. She'd be able to show Scott around the city and maybe even flirt a little bit without feeling like she was doing something wrong. No one would even have to know she'd been in the position she was in. Cora wouldn't tell, Cora might not have been able to speak to her for a while but, she wouldn't have ever told.

She'd avoided everyone, she had been for almost a week. Her phone conversations with Dan and Jenny were only once every few days and they were candid. She refuses to talk on the phone for more than ten minutes at a time. She'd called Rufus and told him she wouldn't be in for the past week. That was something she never did, her mind just wasn't ready to function right. The only one she'd actually talked to was her sister. It wasn't like Ruby would remember anything she said, she was always far too drunk to walk a straight line. She knew she didn't have much to worry about. She was the only one that really needed to know about what was going on. It wasn't like it would change anyone else's life, just the way everyone else looks at her. The paranoia will be there after she did it anyways, she already anticipated it. It was going to be something that followed her around for the rest of her life.

Letting out a shaky sigh she looked down again at where her finger was planted in the phone book and picked up her cell off of the table top with her free hand. Rufus was with Lily, Dan and Jenny were at school, Ruby was passed out at home recharging for another night of giving her hell, Gossip Girl spies had deemed her boring, there wasn't anything or anyone left that she needed to hide from. She could dial numbers and make appointments without worrying who was around the corner to judge her or stop her from taking control of her own life. Anyone that knew her knew she wasn't ready for the things that were creeping up and attempting to be forced on her. She just needed to scrap her own freedom from them. She had a right to do so, a right to decide that it wasn't the path she wanted to choose. That's what she was trying to do, trying not to think about going back on her actions. The efforts she was going though were in every way to make her own life better, to keep herself from falling into a place she had no interest in being in. she wasn't cut out for the things that were going on, she wasn't the one to be held back by something she'd done to herself without herself actually wanting any of it pressed on her in the first place.

She exhaled a breath as she pressed the talk button and held the silver phone to her ear, her eyes were shut, her mind was full. It took two rings before a seemingly bored voice picked up. The women on the other line hadn't gotten a 'hello' out of her mouth when the dinging of the bell above the gallery's entrance caused her to jump out of her skin and hit the end button. The guilty part of her conscience served as the biggest part of her mind and she wasn't sure why. It wasn't like she was doing anything wrong. It was her body after all. She had the right to make the choices about it and no one else. It wasn't like what was going on with her was something he'd even care about, it was a mistake and nothing more. What was going on was an accident, just a painful accident that she'd caused upon herself. Almost completely dissolved in her own game of mental ping pong the clicking of heels across the tiled floor hadn't taken her out of her thoughts for even a second.

"I was hoping you'd be here"

Unfamiliar, that was the one way the voice behind her had registered. She knew she knew it but with everything else that was floating around in her mind registering to put voices to faces wasn't high on her list of priorities. Turning around she hadn't expected the person she was face to face with, the girl she'd only ever had brief conversations with. She couldn't help the half scowl that crossed her already twisted in confusion expression cross her face.

"I'm sorry, I'm sure I'm one of the last people you expected to see. Or one of the last people that you even want to see for that matter. Please don't hold anything he does to me, believe me, I don't agree with his actions for even a moment. The Vanderbilt guys aren't exactly the brightest crayons in the box. Just don't tell Tripp I said that. I have a feeling he wouldn't be too happy with it."

Maureen's delicate but happy voice filled Vanessa's ears as Vanessa dejectedly watched the strawberry blonde fix the headband in her hair and pull out the wooden chair right across from her to sit in. Had Vanessa not been wrapped in her own thoughts and confused on Maureen's presence in the first place she might have taken a notice that Maureen hadn't once hesitated like anyone else from the Upper East Side would have to be in the small Brooklyn gallery.

"Can I help you with something?"

More blunt then she'd meant it Vanessa's voice was harsh and almost stuck in her throat. It seemed like it was the first time in almost twenty-four hours that she'd talked to anyone that wasn't herself.

"Yes actually, you Vanessa Abrams are badly needed two weeks from Saturday, the 25th. Tripp and I are getting married and I would greatly appreciate it if you would be one of my bridesmaids."

Looking at Maureen as though she were crazy Vanessa started to decline and shake her head without even considering it. Being involved in anymore of the Vanderbilt family moments wasn't something she even at the least bit had an interest in taking on.

"No, I can't take no for an answer. If you decline I'll have no choice but to let Blair be in the wedding party and I don't know about you but my mother raised me with the saying that on a girl's wedding day she needs at least one person in the wedding party that could easily show her up. With Blair I'm afraid that just won't work. I want a wedding party, not a cheap David's Bridal catalog. Blair is pretty and all but she's a little plain, you're different Vanessa, you're the one I'd rather have there on my day."

Regardless of what she was saying Vanessa didn't want to hear it. Being in the same room as him wasn't something she was ready to be around. Not with what she hoped she'd be doing once the weekend came, she knew she wouldn't have been able to look at him for some time. It was right in the nick of time once again as she opened her mouth to protest that the phone's shrill ring gave out from the kitchen area.

"I have to get that"

Vanessa popped up from her seat without a second of hesitation and without looking at Maureen for as much as a second. She never once noticed that she'd left the phonebook she'd been looking at wide open to the set of numbers she'd been calling before being interrupted.

Never one to snoop or to eavesdrop on other people's business on purpose Maureen hadn't meant to notice anything, but, when the word on the top of the yellow page held strong memories for her she couldn't help but notice it. Eight letters put together to form one word held one of her most painful memories in her history. The thought of it made her feel like the hole in her heart was once again wide open and burning just as it had so many years before. Red marker had circled around some of the numbers, the same red marker that was holding the page open. Anyone with a brain could have figured out what the red circles on the page really meant, the Vanessa was dealing with more then she could handle or should have had to handle alone. Maureen hadn't even been alone to deal with it, she'd had her hand forced into things to protect 'the family'. Vanessa's footsteps back into the room made Maureen look at her right away.

"You can't do it Vanessa"

Vanessa's face suddenly turned stunned as she looked between the pages of the yellow pages back to Maureen's face so solemn with a small shadow of worry. Trying to cover as best she could Vanessa turned away from the table and picked up a cloth on a nearby table top to clean for the third time in an hour, she just needed something to do with her hands. Something that would pull herself out of her thoughts.

"I don't know what you're talking about"

Attempting to deny the last thing she wanted to do was admit any of it. She had a hard enough time trying to pretend none of it was real.

"I know what it's like. I know how scared you are, I've been there."

In back of her Maureen's voice was light, light and completely understanding and for a moment Vanessa wanted nothing more than to crumble. To tell someone everything that she was feeling. Every second of the conflictions inside of her, but she couldn't. Not to Maureen, it wouldn't have been right. How could she know that she could trust the strawberry blonde not to run and tell him. Vanessa knew that the last thing she needed was him finding out. That would have made the matters even worse than they were.

"I really don't know what you're talking about or what you think you know."

Shaking her head she moved from one table to the next without turning around to admit to anything. She knew if she turned around her eyes would betray her. They'd show her lies and her hurt with just a simple glance. Then there wouldn't be any getting around anything.

"I was pregnant too Vanessa. I was pregnant and I went through what you're thinking about."

Maureen's voice came out in more of a whisper than anything else as she kept her eyes glued to Vanessa who seemed to be slowly giving up. She dropped the cloth in her hand and put both of her hands on the table, shoulders suddenly slouched in defeat.

"Tripp and I had no idea what to do."

Standing up Maureen watched as Vanessa turned around, Vanessa's eyes were filled with blurry tears as she did everything not to look at Maureen's face.

"What's it matter? I can't do it by myself and he doesn't give a damn. He's more than happy looking forward to spending the rest of his life with Blair, I heard him say it. Who am I to stand in the way of what he wants? So what the hell does it matter? It's not like I even want this."

Swiping an angry tear from her eyes Vanessa bit her lip. Thinking about him and Blair made her feel even more helpless. It made what was going on feel like even more of a mistake,

"Vanessa, you have a choice. Tripp and I didn't. William, or rather, Grandfather made sure we didn't have a choice in any of it. Tripp, Tripp was too much of grandfather's protégée to think for himself. He didn't even give a thought to what was going on inside of me, it was all just what Grandfather wanted and what would disappoint Grandfather."

Vanessa ran a hand through her hair as she held back anymore hormone induced tears that threatened to fall down her cheeks without her permission. Her mind worked harder on turning all of her sadness in anger, anger at him and anger at herself. Even with Maureen sitting in front of her pouring out her soul Vanessa still felt as unsure of herself as she had before Maureen walked in.

"I don't have any other choice Maureen. I can't do this. I don't have anything to do any of this alone and I sure as hell can't ask him for anything. I don't want any part of the life you're in and I never have. I'm not that person and that's all people will think of this. That I'm just desperate to hold onto him, no one will give a second thought to anything else."

Up out of her chair Maureen walked forward till she was just a few steps away from Vanessa.

"You do have choices Vanessa, you shouldn't feel yourself backed into a corner. If you make this decision it should only be because it's what you want, not because you feel like you have no other choices. You can't punish yourself like that or you'll never get through it."

Maureen's voice held honesty, something that lately Vanessa wasn't very used to. People being honest didn't happen much anymore. She'd even been caught in a lie, Dan and Jenny were completely in the dark and she hated lying to her best friends. If there was anyone she could have used it would have been them. But, Dan would have judged and Jenny would have only resented her more. Nate was still sort of an odd subject when it came to the two. Trying to avoid Maureen's eyes wasn't possible as she lifted up her head, Maureen's eyes were boring into her. Yet, Vanessa knew it was only because Maureen was only trying to get her own point across. She was trying not to let Vanessa fall into the same downward spiral she herself had fallen into in the past. Vanessa letting herself think about it would only result in letting herself go more then she had by falling for him in the first place.

"Besides Vanessa, you need to see Nate with his younger cousins. He's the one taking them out for Halloween or organizing the Easter egg hunts at family gatherings. He'd make a great father if you'd let him. That's the type of guy that Nate is. I know he's done wrong by you but just give him another shot Vanessa, give him and the baby a shot. There are people that never get to experience what you have right now, I mean between the guy you love and the baby that's proof. Just give it a few thoughts."

She'd reached out and placed her hand on Vanessa's shoulder. Vanessa who shuttered at her touch and cast her eyes as far from Maureen's face as she could, she couldn't faultier to Maureen's pain, it was her own life that was in trouble.

"In the past week I've been over and over it in my head, but, I don't even have health insurance. I don't have four thousand dollars laying around for prenatal visits and delivery. I have an apartment to pay for and an alcoholic sister to take care of, I don't have time to worry about a baby or being pregnant. Taking care of myself isn't ever my top priority. Please, Maureen, don't take it as though I'm using abortion as the easy way to get out of a problem."

Vanessa winced as the word came from between her lips, saying the word made it all feel so much more real. Abortion, it meant that she was actually preg… no… that there was an actually bab… no, she couldn't let her mind drift there. It was only something she'd half thought about, this was something she felt she had to do for everyone around her, for its own life. The mess she went through on a daily basis wasn't something she wished to be thrown on to anyone else. That was only a few of the reason that having a baby wasn't an option, there was too much against her for her to go through with it. There would have been too much against a baby to begin with. What kind of life would that have made for?

"I'm frustrated with myself for letting any of this happen in the first place. I'm scared out of my mind, because I know that this is all… it's all real. This isn't just a dream that I'll eventually wake up from, Nate and I really messed up. There's no way that a blood culture and a urine test could both be wrong, this is all real and I don't know how to handle a second of it. I don't feel like most people would feel, it all feels like the biggest mistake I've ever made in my life. I didn't play with dolls when I was little and I've never had the urge to be a mother, I've never felt any of that and after hearing the news I still don't feel it. How can any of this be right then? I've never even babysat. Kids are needy and dependent and I get enough of that having to take care of my sister. Why would I want to add any more responsibility to my life?"

She'd moved away from Maureen again, moved away and walked to angrily scrub at another table top that had probably been clean before she'd decided to take out her anger on it. Her mind was a swirl and she was finally letting out the thoughts in her head. Something she hadn't done since the doctor had rattled the news off in her ear at while she stood in the Humphrey's bathroom a week ago. When her life had seemed to stand still, it still felt like it wasn't moving much.

"Then, then if I were to go through with it I don't know the first thing in raising a baby. I basically raised myself and look how that turned out. How could I ever balance Ruby and something more needy then her, I don't know how to do any of this. I don't like the idea of having to do all of this alone, I know how hard it was to grow up with two parents who can't get their acts together and they were older. I can't imagine what it would be like to have only one parent. One who has no idea how to deal with a child in the first place. "

She was coming unraveled, Maureen could tell as she talked on and on trying to sort out her feelings verbally. Maureen would have let her talk all day if she had to. anything for her to have really considered everything that was going on, to actually consider that what was going on was more than just a shifting of cells and a mixing of DNA.

"I can't lie, there's this part of me, this part of me that wants to hold on. I have no idea how I'd do it but, the thought of having someone there unconditionally and always that alone is one of the most tempting things there is. Last week, walking through central park and seeing the way all the parents looked at their kids. That occurred to me. That's what's going on right now, I could be one of them. And as scary as it is to think of it's still there. But those kids, they have parents. Parents who can take care of them and cater to everything. What if I do go through with it. Will Nate resent me for that? Or, if I do go through with it and he decides that he can better take care of it, he's got money Maureen, anyone would be completely in his favor rather than mine. I don't want Blair raising my baby."

There, she'd said it. Someone she'd let the words slip from her mouth. Her baby, the words she hardly dared to think let alone speak. The sound of it sent a chill down her spine, Vanessa had left the cloth on the table and sat down in one of the chairs putting her head in her hands. It was all too much, she didn't want to think about any of it. All Vanessa wanted to do was put her actions to work, she needed to just have the abortion before she could change her mind. At seven weeks the clock was already ticking, to avoid any attachment she just needed to do it and get it over with.

"Vanessa, you just need to think it all through. Before you make a decision that you'll regret for the rest of your life. It's a baby Vanessa, a part of you and a part of Nate. Not just some accident, because, you both love one another. Even if you don't see it right now and you don't want to hear it. It's there. He loves you Vanessa, he might be an asshole right now, but, regardless there's a child involved here now. For the time being there's a baby in the middle of all of this. A baby that Nate would never try to take away from you, regardless of what shape your relationship is in. Vanessa, you know him better than that. So you both have had not so great childhoods, its all the more reason to do it and prove that you're not like your parents at all. That alone should show you just how much this baby will be cared for, just how much it'll mean to the both of you. Isn't the saying 'we all learn from our parents mistakes?' just think about it, I mean the good points rather than just the bad. Hey, I can tell you right now that you have both Tripp and I on your side. Tripp as well as myself know that Blair is all wrong for him. Nate has never been the cookie cutter kid unless she's around and it bugs Tripp to no end. He has no risk and far too many morals. He's just no fun to be around when he's with her. That's why his and Tripp's relationship was tainted before Grandfather ever intervened with the captain. But when he came back and found Nate with you rather then Blair everything was better, you were the one that repaired their relationship Vanessa. You're a breath of fresh air compared to the rest of the Upper East Side trash."

Maureen was being sincere and honest on everything; she'd fought with Tripp for numerous nights in a row over the fact that Blair was nothing more than Nate's crutch. Tripp had wanted to end everything once again when he's learned that it was Blair time again, if there was anything Tripp couldn't handle it was dealing with Blair for too long.

"You weren't raised as one of them were you?"

It was clear in the past statement; no one else would have ever dared to call anyone on the East Side trash unless they too knew exactly what it was really like. What the true game they played was, only someone who'd watched from the outside knew.

"Am I that obvious? I'd had a scholarship to Constance, my parents came into a bit of money when I was like fourteen, I feel in love with Tripp shortly after. Grandfather never knew that I wasn't like them from the beginning. All he cared about was who my father was and that he too had money. My past was all overlooked. I do my best to blend with everyone."

Just by looking at Maureen Vanessa could tell she was uncomfortable talking about the past, almost like she was ashamed of her past. That was what Vanessa was afraid of. Losing herself like it seemed so evident that Maureen had done. She liked not being one of them, she liked who Nate became when he wasn't near them. Everything changed when anything 'UES' was brought into the picture.

"Know what Vanessa, I need you to do me a favor. Can you trust me for a moment? I'm only asking for a single moment. it's not anything bad. I just want you to try something for me."

Vanessa had dropped her defenses, she'd already confinded in Maureen she really didn't' have much of a reason not to listen to anything she was about to say. What would be the use of it, what was the use of any of it. Her mind regardless of what they'd talked about was still set on having an abortion come the weekend. Vanessa didn't verbalize her surrender she simply gave Maureen a look letting her know it was fine for whatever she wanted. A peaceful smile spread cross Maureen's face as she took steps closer to Vanessa.

"Alright, close your eyes now"

Hesitating Vanessa eyed Maureen for a second, with a slight sigh she gave up and dropped her hands to her side before closing her eyes. She felt Maureen pick up her wrist and she loosened up enough for Maureen to bend her hand and put it on her stomach. As Vanessa stood there with her hand over her tee shirt she started to open her mouth and protest till Maureen's 'shh' made her shut her mouth and stay silent.

"Now, say all pressure is off and you decide to go along with this pregnancy. Just relax, in two years time… what do you see?"

Silence filled the room for a moment and Vanessa had a hard time connecting with the image in her mind, with the thought of having a child just over a year old in two years. Part of it made her feel like she was going to be sick again. Thinking that just under her shirt an actual baby rested, growing and waiting was perhaps more then she wanted to really think of. But she let her imagination take her over. She allowed herself to get lost in the make believe , the 'what if's' of everything being alright. An unexpected smile was brought to her face. She couldn't get it to just go away suddenly. So she did what Maureen said, she let herself into the image.

"What do I see if I were to keep the baby? Maureen, you know, this really isn't helping me… honestly. I just… I need you to go. I have an appointment to make."

Shuttering and pushing the image as far from her mind as she could she did her best to not think of it again. The thought had chilled her and what she hadn't noticed was the fact that she now had both of her hands resting on her abdomen. Her eyes may have been open but her mind was still partly frozen on the image. The little boy around eighteen months old with the bright blue eyes and elated smile, his chubby little arms wrapped so tightly around Nate's neck. She could see normally confused Nate's face with the smile reflecting that of his son's. She could see herself filming them, everything was just so perfect, so not what it would have been if she went through with the pregnancy. She didn't have any chance of everything going like the image in her head. They weren't those people and they hadn't ever been. Any of that hadn't been anything more than just a desperate lie.

She couldn't do it, she couldn't continue the pregnancy. She had so much ahead of her. Especially if she'd been accepted to NYU like she'd applied randomly to. Since Nate had taken her to do her SAT's she'd thought about it and considered it. NYU looked good to her, a chance to be something other than just an amateur. Since Nate had brought it up she'd considered it, then sending in the application she'd done as a surprise to him. If she did make it, it was something she wanted to do… for herself. With a baby she wouldn't be able to do it anymore. Was she really ready to let go of it all? It was all too much for her to think of, she felt like the room was closing in and she couldn't breathe.

Without another word to Maureen Vanessa was up on her feet, hand over mouth, heading full speed as fast as she could back to the gallery's small bathroom. She hadn't noticed Maureen was right behind her till after she'd dropped to her knees in front of the toilet. Maureen had grabbed Vanessa's hair back from her face, something no one had done yet. It felt good to finally like someone was sort of on her side. Someone Beside Cora who wasn't much speaking to her.

"Morning sickness alone isn't fun is it?"

Vanessa just barely caught Maureen's voice as she stayed gagging over the toilet.

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Jen - I'm so glad you found my story then! :D Even the most alone person needs a few people on her side ;)

Christinamarie712 - I have a feeling it's be a subject she debates for quite a while.

Francesca - Just gotta remember it's Vanessa's decision on the abortion... depends on how bad Nate pisses her off...

rocklesson86 - LoveChild is intregueing isn't he? :P he'll come up again... for sure he'll come up again

Joanne - They don't give Vanessa enough, she deserves a little bit of the angst... and a lot more of the Nate love. (when he's not a jerk) I'll keep updating every other day! maybe more now that my classes are done till fall.

ALEX!! - I read your review over and over every time I got stuck! it helped me while writing the wedding scene :X have I said to much? :P lol Jess would be more then amazing if she was actually given more to work with. as you know I think she's the strongest actress on the show (personally) just because I loved her on WAB. Cora's a little upset with her right now, andddd Ruby is a pain in the neck. Scott! who i'm not at all looking forward to showing up this is a way I actually think he's decient. Nate needs to be hit over the head with something hard, something very very hard, even in the story he does. maybe then he'll go back to remembering who he really is. At least she knows for sure that it's Nate's baby! now it's all about her making a decision. looking forward to your next review!

And all reviews, thank you so much for them! please please please keep them coming. and anything else I can do for anyone let me know

(: Manda


	5. Fevers and Cats

Author's Note: I'm offically done with school! first year old college finished and! it was better then i'd expected it to be. anyways, your reviews once again made my days, so thank you so much. responses to them all are at the bottom. andd depending on your reviews and my free time I think i'll be updating tomorrow, I'm pretty excited about next chapter. the beginning of this one might make you laugh, I know Katie liked it. enjoy!

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In the seven years he'd been sexually active never once had anyone fallen asleep on him. Chuck Bass didn't make women fall asleep, he made them moan his name loud and continuously. He'd prided himself on being able to satisfy them numerous times a night. Chuck Bass was a lover, in the loosest of meanings however. He kept them all coming back and wanting more, night after night. No one fell asleep on him, that was just out of the question and unheard of. Chuck wouldn't even have thought it was possible. Nearly one hundred girls he'd been with, nearly one hundred women he'd head his name from in dozens of different octaves, never had he heard them breathe evenly to fall asleep. It was an outrage, an insult, it wasn't possible. The idea of it made Chuck's skin crawl, it was something he was sure it would take a hundred more girls laying beside him to forget. Something that he never wanted to leave the room, something he'd be sure to threaten the girl laying beside him for. He felt like he needed a psychologist just to get over the new mental scarring that was engraved in his brain. If only he could have actually explained the new trauma to a therapist, one that he wouldn't have tried to sleep with. He had a habit of getting even them into bed. Chuck Bass knew how to please, he liked knowing that he always had at least that aspect going for him. Dozens of times no matter where the act occurred he always had it. This, this however was a new one, no one ever fell asleep on Chuck Bass, it just wasn't right. He was Chuck Bass.

Feeling her stir beside him a scowl came to his face, he didn't really want to deal with her. Reaching to the wooden table beside him he picked up his ninth cigarette of the morning and lit hit breathing in the smoke and holding it hoping to calm himself down. His mind kept going over and over the fact that she'd had the nerve to actually fall asleep on him. He should have just called a cab to take her home and drop her somewhere in a sewer. It was the coughing that prevented him from doing so. Hearing the deep cough that was in her lungs sounded like something wasn't right with her, even if she'd fallen asleep on him he couldn't let her out into the rain with a cough like that. Had she died people he cared about, and even those he didn't much care for would have been on his back. His memory held enough guilt he'd never admit to anyways. She wasn't worth adding another years worth of therapy for. Exhaling the puff of smoke he'd taken in made her coughing increase and her eyes snap open, he could tell without even looking at her that she was now awake. It didn't take long for her to be up on her feet, clutching the sheet and racing to his private bathroom. His eyes followed after her but he didn't move, he stayed station working still on the cigarette in his hand. Chuck didn't exactly care to follow after her, she hadn't satisfied him why should he care what was wrong with her.

Finishing up his cigarette and laying for five minutes with his eyes shut contently, his hands folded in back of his head, he didn't wait for her to return. Had he held his breath he would have been dead she took so long. She looked god awful when she came back in, Chuck almost regretted opening his eyes. Then, the coughing filled the ears and she looked like she was about ready to collapse. It was almost a reflex as he lifted the covers for her to come back beside him, it was a good thing his tolerance levels were so high. Inexplicably high, even he couldn't figure out why he was being so nice to her after what she'd done to him. She'd dropped the sheet on the way to the bathroom and picked up a shirt of his off of the floor, he noticed as he looked her over quickly. Looked her over only enough to see her start to back away from the bed. It only took a few steps for her to put her hand on her head, he could see her hesitation with a dizzy head rush for a moment before she gave up her fight and walked forward, slowly getting back onto his bed. Instantly she pulled for the covers he'd pulled down for her and she shivered into them, pulling them to her neck as he dared to reach out for her. Surprising the both of them she didn't complain, she just curled closer to him.

At her first contact with his body he felt almost like a child who'd just put his hand directly on the hot burner of a stove. Her coughing stopped for a moment and her breathing turned into wheezing, she sounded the worst he'd ever heard anyone sound. Between her wheezing, coughing, and the fever that was so evident there was no question to the fact that she was sick. She shook again with a chill and all the nights he'd watched discovery health to go to sleep suddenly kicked in as he wrapped his only boxer clad body around her to keep her warm. It was odd for him, Chuck didn't care if people were sick. There was oddly something making him want to help her and want to take care of her. It wasn't like he'd ever had any experience taking care of anyone, no one had even done it to him in the first place. Bart hadn't ever helped him as a child. Good guy chuck was making his once and a while appearance.

"Good to know it was your fault you fell asleep"

Arrogance filled his voice as she continued to shiver and wheeze in his arms. The condition she was in was far from her normal self, not that her normal self had been around for a few weeks. She was far from the person she'd been when he'd met her for the very first time. It was strange really, to see her go through such transformations. Chuck wasn't someone to notice things like that on a regular basis, it took real changes for Chuck to see them.

"I think you're sick, you don't sound too good"

The only thing she did was make a grunt to the obviousness that he'd just stated. She didn't feel good, she felt far from good. She felt like an ice sculpture, her fever had to have been the highest it had ever been. She couldn't take a clear breath without wheezing, the coughing felt like it was about to shatter her into pieces, it created pains in both her chest and her back throbbed. All of that was nothing compared to the fire that was burning in her throat, throwing up hadn't made it anywhere near better. The smoke from the cigarette Chuck had been smoking was killing her morning sickness. She couldn't remember another moment in her life when she had ever felt the way she did.

"How about I call a driver and we'll get you to the hospital? They can put you on drugs or something. I don't know what you're supposed to do when you sound the way you do. But, I think you sound like you need a doctor because it's not normal."

Vanessa shook her head and put her hand weakly against his chest as if she were attempting to push him away that wasn't working to well. She couldn't let him go with her, there were things that he just couldn't know anything about.

"I'll… I want, myself. To go myself… I don't need your help."

Another painful sounding coughing fit erupted from her lungs as soon as she'd gotten the messy sentence out of her mouth. She'd throw a fit if she had to, they both knew she would. Even if she was weak and sick she still wasn't about to play by any of Chuck Bass's rules. She threw out another cough and shiver as she started to get out of the bed and away from him.

"Well, a car is going to take you regardless."

Taking the last word Chuck reached to the side table and lit another cigarette. Exactly the last thing Vanessa needed.

* * *

Laying in one of the kids beds Vanessa could hardly keep her eyes open, she'd never been a good patient when she was sick but this time she was so almost completely out of it she couldn't have cared less what was going on around her. Soon as she'd been released from the hospital she'd gotten on the subway feeling like she was about to pass out. Heading to Cora's was the best thing she could have done. Vanessa was in no shape to take care of Ruby, she needed to take care of herself. Or rather with Cora there, Cora insisted on taking care of her. She hadn't moved in hours, not at the least bit typical for Vanessa. she could tell the kids were worried by just how often they peaked into the room to look at her waiting the Vanessa they knew and loved to take them to the park and film them making a movie on the slide. They hadn't ever seen Vanessa the way she was with the fever and the rest of her infections.

"Mommy, here's the cold face cloth, tell Vee she's gotta get better now, we have to go out and play!"

Jack said from the door as Cora got up from beside Vanessa and went to retrieve the items from her middle child, Jack was the only one in the house. Steve was out with a friend and his mother and Elle had her own day planned that Cora hadn't told Vanessa about. Something was up but Vanessa didn't feel anywhere near well enough to question her about it.

"Thank you Jack, now go back and watch Nemo ok?"

Nodding his head he blew Vanessa a kiss before running off back to the couch. Out of the three kids it wasn't hard to tell that Jackson was the one that adored Vanessa the most. Whenever she was around the six year old was normally glued to her side. He'd even been the one that threatened Nate to take care of her. It was cute and Nate had pretended to take it as a real threat just to humor the little boy. They had spent hours after hours arguing back and forth till Vanessa had assured both the boys that she loved the both of them, receiving a kiss from both. Cora used to tease Nate that he needed to watch his butt, or Jack was going to steal her away from him. Now there was no competition left.

Cora turned back to Vanessa on the bed and shook her head as the thermometer beeped off its next reading. With the cautious meds the hospital had given her the fever was coming down very slow, not like it would have come down if she'd of just been allowed to take the motrin she'd attempted to take.

"Vanessa, do you have any idea how dangerous it was to let your fever get up that high? 105.1 I mean, what were you thinking? Not just for that poor baby but for yourself too. I don't know how you got this sick without noticing."  
She lectured as she took the thermometer out of Vanessa's mouth, checked it to its 99.5 and placed it back on the table beside the bed. Vanessa felt better then she had when she'd first gotten to Cora's just knowing someone cared had made Vanessa feel a little bit better. Even if Chuck hadn't been so bad about it all it still wasn't the same as being with Cora who hardly let her do anything out of worry.

"I've been busy working Cora, anything to keep my mind preoccupied"

Vanessa whispered out lowly as she pushed the quilt Cora had pulled up to her neck down a little bit. With the way Cora was mothering her she knew she didn't know the first thing about being a mother. But as her sickness progressed she found herself going into the delusions of keeping the baby rather than the abortion she'd scheduled. The fever was making her mind all over the place, that's all she could venture to blame it on and nothing more.

"Sweetie, you need to take care of yourself. How many times to I have to stress that one?"

The eye roll was an involuntary movement as she crossed her arms over her face to avoid another lecture from Cora. As she pulled her arms down from her face she heard the door to the apartment open and shut with footsteps trailing in. Vanessa looked at Cora who stood up fast and rushed to the door of the room sticking her head out to greet whoever it was. Which could only mean one thing.

"Well I can't say she's very impresses, as you can tell by the fact that she's not speaking to me."

She heard Nate's voice as she watched the silhouettes against the wall of Noelle clinging to Cora and burying her head in her shoulder. That was unusual for Elle, normally she didn't want anyone to take her away from Nate.

"I told you she wasn't going to be impressed with anyone else. You know that she adores Vanessa, she had a hard time sharing you with Vanessa and you want her to share you with someone she doesn't know. See Nate, maybe children are more perceptive then you think."

The comment Cora made made a slight sleepy smile come to Vanessa's face. Nate had to have taken Noelle to meet Blair, and that couldn't have gone to well. She knew that Cora's kids were three she was very close to for a reason. They were smart unlike Nate. He'd never be one to use his brain and actually think like a smart person. She shook her head to herself and closed her eyes. With the little bit of information maybe Vanessa really could take a few hours of sleep, at least she had a small list of people that liked her better then Blair, not that Vanessa cared for competition, that was Blair's game not her own.

* * *

Stepping into the small Williamsburg apartment he noted that it was cleaner then the last time he'd walked or more stumbled into it. Since the night after Jenny's not so sweet sixteen Chuck could hardly count the nights he'd spent with Vanessa as they consoled the gin and vodka paired with expensive cigarettes and hashish. She'd been a virgin at smoking, the thought of her nearly coughing up a lung at first inhale still made him snicker with laughter. Numbing your own pain always seemed to be the best cure for everything when you couldn't control any other way. Chuck had learned that at a young age. Passing on the things he knew to others with the same pain was something he didn't mind, she was just as bad off as he was. They both had deep aches in their chests where their hearts had once been, but, Chuck wasn't one to think of himself having a heart. Besides on the nights she didn't fall asleep on him she wasn't half bad in bed, and, she was shameless on her knees. Chuck Bass's crude mind won over every other emotion in his body always.

She hadn't drank or gotten high with him in over two weeks, something that had just stopped suddenly two weeks ago. A week after she'd suddenly come out of a daze she'd been sucked into. For a week she'd seemed to use more than he did, and that was saying something. Then, then it all just stopped. Tonight he planned on getting her back to her new normal, back to the heartbroken, revenge seeking, cold bitch she'd become since being dumped. He needed someone to share his woes with, someone to drink and smoke with because doing it alone just wasn't working. If he had to he even planned on sharing with her what Nate had done to him just hours ago. How he'd asked for help with Blair and noticed that she'd changed. He's use anything to pull Vanessa back into the self-destructive funk she was in.

He didn't even have to call her name out to find out where she was. He could hear the water running in the kitchen, if that wasn't enough he could hear her strained coughing too. Bronchitis's dry hacking cough on top of strained strep throat didn't sound so comfortable. Chuck had made a point of upping his vitamin intake just to avoid himself getting sick. Even if she was sick, there he was. He needed to feel needed, even if it was a fake need it was still something he wanted to feel. After his run in with Jenny and the woman he'd hired being a fault Chuck just needed someone that felt as bad as he did. With how bad he knew she felt he knew he could drive her into doing whatever he wanted. He'd done it to her in the past weeks, he could do it to her again.

Walking though the small living room he headed into the kitchen. She hadn't even noticed his presence as he put down the bottles he'd had in his hand on the counter. The water in the sink was running and Vanessa was standing at the stove making something that smelt oddly enough good. Who would have thought that Brooklyn could actually cook decently. Chuck watched her for a moment, she was humming something or other and looked almost unnerved. Pulling a cruel smirk to his lips he reached over and shut the water in the sink off.

"Do you really have the money to waste on wasted water?"

Hearing his voice she spun around dropping the big plastic spoon that had been in her hand down onto the linoleum floor with a clank. He did his best to hold back a laugh as he twisted off the cap to the scotch and took a sip right from the bottle. Her annoyed eyes flashed at him as she picked up the spoon off of the floor and walked to the sink and turned on the water, rinsing the spoon and letting the water again run.

"What do you want Chuck?"

Her voice was a crackling whisper due to the different viruses that clogged her lungs. He rolled his eyes soon as the words slipped from his lips. As though he'd actually be at her apartment for anything else, they both knew the real reason he was there, of course she knew what he wanted. It was if she'd actually give it to him that was the real question. It wasn't him that she wanted and they both knew that. Nate was what she wanted more than anything. Bronchitis was taking over her lungs, strep throat killed her throat, a double ear infection in both of her ears, and morning sickness that lasted on and off all day depending on the smells around her. Morning sickness surly didn't help when it came to taking her meds. So much for going through with the abortion, now her sicknesses was going to get in the way of her appointment. She'd just have to postpone it yet another week. that was the thing that burned her thoughts, that made her completely disconnected. Not that Chuck knew a word of it.

"I wanted to che… sex. Why else would I come here?"

Only Chuck bass would have been able to say it with a straight face. All Vanessa could do was roll her eyes, she should have expected his response. Chuck wasn't about to admit that a small part of him had been worried about her, he wasn't supposed to worry about people. He most defiantly was not supposed to worry about Vanessa Abrams. She wasn't his problem to worry about.

"Well then, you'd better just call one of your booty calls because there's no way that I'm doing anything for you this afternoon or tonight. I can hardly breathe alone the last thing I need is"

She rasped out as Chuck unscrewed the cap to the vodka and held it close to her from behind her. The smell of it wasn't even tempting as she shrugged away from him. She had no interest on listening to anything Chuck had to say as she shut off the stove and pushed the pan off of the burner and turned around only to be chest to chest with him.

"Fine, then I'm afraid that I'm just going to have to hang around here. Maybe I can catch Ruby and the other one putting on a show in her room."

Not at the least bit surprised at Chuck's comment Vanessa rolled her eyes and reached over to take devil kitten off of the counter. The kitten had only seemed to get worse with its distain to Vanessa. To everyone else it cuddled and purred, to Vanessa it scratched and tried to bite. Picking the cat up off of the counter it swiped at her catching her skin with its claws it felt deep red marks all the way down her arm. More scratch marks on top of the ones she'd already had.

"What did you do to the cat?"

Opening up a can of tuna she put it in a bowl and put it back on the floor. With Ruby taking money with cigarettes daily Vanessa hadn't yet had a chance to buy cat food in the past week. The rent was due and Ruby wasn't any help with getting the money up. Ruby spent most of her days asleep and her nights high and drunk out of her mind. Keeping a job wasn't something Ruby would have been able to do. So the cat was stuck with people food, at least it was better than the raw meat Ruby's friends had a habit of trying to feed it. With all of that in consideration Vanessa didn't blame the cat for scratching and acting rebellious. Life out on the street had to have been better then the hell it was stuck in confound in the walls of the apartment.

"The cat is Blair's incarnate"

Vanessa whispered under her breath as Chuck caught it and laughed his devil like laugh.

* * *

Jenny - I actually have one story with Vanessa and Nate where I did that. it's a two shot, as for this one I'm honestly not yet sure where i'm going with it exactly myself yet. I'll be waiting to see just as you guys. lol, hope you continue reading!

Izzy- I was just going to send you a message the other day then I got carried away and forgot, I'm sorry. I like Maureen, she seemed like she was something different from the rest of them even if Tripp seemed to be all for everything the family did. Scott! though I'm of little intrest to actually see him on the show he works here. Dan/Scott comes in next, I'm looking forward to posing the next chapter, I think it'll be amusing. :P

Nope, you read the thing about Blair right. in my opinion Blair is just plain when it comes to the Upper East Side. sure, she's over the top and nuts but she's just like everyone else. Vanessa is the different one. she adds more to everything around because she's not the same as everyone else and she has no interest in being the same, looking cookie cutter pretty isn't something that Vanessa tries to do like Blair would try for.

Christinamarie712 - well that is a good question isn't it? :D hmmm how about a little hint? I know that in a little bit someone slightly close to one of the 'parents to perhaps be' will find out... who could that be?

Francesca - :D well updates will come perhaps even faster now that i'm done. Vanessa needs people to talk about her choices with ;)

Jen - Maureen might play an even bigger role in things soon... perhaps ;) but i'm not saying anything now am I? :P

Layla Persnickety - eep!! thank you soooo much!!! :D I try really hard on them and I'm so glad you like them. I'm a writer, it's what I do. hopfully some day it might actually make me some money. lol

ALEX!! - Ok let's see, I'm so glad Vanessa's struggles are coming across and she doesn't sound selfish. I was a little worried about that with the past chapter.

Oh! And reading that part of your review just now I just got a massive brain storm. See, no matter how many times I read it over I always get something from it. Maureen was trying to look out for her, she thinks she's making a mistake and Maureen just doesn't want to see her go through the same things Maureen goes through every day. I think I'll keep working at redeeming her in your eyes. Yea, about Tripp someone had mentioned it in the thread and I think I watched the part with him and Blair like five times while I wrote it. Lol yes she is! And it seems like they all need a little fresh air!

There's going to be something major that happens that makes Nate remember who he really is. Candyman will be back shortly, there's something in his life that will make him wake up.

DV was the best part about the other night, and speaking of Nate's apartment only one image came to my mind when I saw all those windows, and the image was an 'aww' one.

Eep! I'm so happy to see someone else who knows what I'm talking about with WAB, you know, they should straighten her hair just once, cause I still love the V curls, but I mean… it would be very different.

Keep the reviews coming long, see what they do, I get ideas right in the middle of them. :P

alright everyone!

please review and tell me what you think. Reviews give me ideas so keep them coming!

hope you liked the chapter!!

Manda


	6. Falls, Showers, and Pickles

Author's Note: wow ok so I did this so early that I forgot to add an author's note. this chapter is basically just a filler, sorta. I'm more then anxious for next chapter, Maureen and Tripp's wedding ;) there's a lot going on next chapter. ok that's all i'm gonna say. read, enjoy, review... please! they make my day.

Manda

* * *

Maybe up over the back door hadn't been the smartest place for Vanessa to have picked as a storage area for the things she didn't want anyone else to see but, at the time she'd picked it there hadn't been a risk of anyone walking in. Two days ago she'd been in a rush to put the book, pills, and the pamphlets out of sight before Rufus had gotten into work, over the door had been the least suspicious place to move ceiling tiles. That's why she'd picked it, she'd pulled the ladder over and stuffed the things in there before anyone got there. Her secrets were some she didn't plan on sharing, not till she figured out what exactly she was going to do about it. It had been two weeks since her talk with Maureen, one week since she'd felt like the bronchitis, ear infection, and strep had taken over her head, and nine weeks since she'd gotten into her predicament.

She still had a few weeks to decide what she needed to do. There were days she felt like she wanted to rush to the clinic and get rid of it, get rid of all the pressure on herself. Since two days ago though, she now had the sound in her head. She'd had the cool gel spread onto her abdomen, the small machine coasted along. She'd felt a strange ping of nervous anticipation while the ultrasound technician fumbled around searching. It seemed like the longest few minutes of Vanessa's life. That was a reaction she hadn't expected. She hadn't expected to be a little worried when the women had trouble finding the sound she was looking for. She hadn't expected to be so relieved when it had turned out that the sound still hadn't been turned on. Soon as the sound as on it was there, the fast paced washing machine sound. Hearing it had lifted an unexpected weight off her shoulders, it had also sent her into a state of panic. In the past nine weeks it hadn't been as real as it was hearing the heartbeat. She'd been able to pretty much pretend the thing didn't really exist. It hadn't been anymore then a secret under her shirt. Now, it was all real, so much more than before. This told her that there was an actual little thing inside of her with a real heart beat. It was still something she wasn't very keen about remembering yet. Especially with the fact that she hadn't decided if she was going to stay pregnant or not, it was still a day by day thing.

Even with her indecision she was still taking the prenatal vitamins on the mornings that she could keep it down and she remembered it. It had only been two days but even still she'd only thrown one up so far. The book on the other hand was the 'What to Expect When You're Expecting' book she'd been given at the free clinic. Why she was reading it she wasn't sure but something made her feel compelled to flip through it. The little thing she wished in so many ways didn't exist, but she still felt like she needed to learn more about the baby. About its little heart, the way it was growing and turning into a real baby from the tad pole like thing it was before. It all amazed her, and it scared her, she felt so venerable and afraid when she thought about it. She was losing her grip on being herself it seemed. Vanessa had already fallen for the Upper East Side's titled prince, but she was also falling for the child that had sprung from it. One thing she didn't want to believe in, she didn't want to let herself do.

Jenny and Dan had been begged by Allison to stay in Hudson for the weekend. So reluctantly they'd agreed. Rufus took advantage of the situation and decided to stay with Lilly. He'd told Vanessa that before he'd left for the day. Vanessa figured she was free. She'd stayed till dusk in the gallery, lying on the floor reading the book she'd been given, eating saltine crackers, and drinking ginger ale. Moring sickness had hung over her head all day long. Now that she was calmer it was time to go home and deal with Ruby, who she knew would be leaving for the night soon. All she had to do was take care of Cat then she'd have the rest of the night to sleep just like she wanted. Vanessa was completely worn out by everything around her. Sleep sounded better than it had ever sounded in her lifetime.

So in preparation of leaving the gallery for the night she'd dragged the latter over to the door and stood up on it putting her stuff back into the spot in the ceiling. She hadn't been expecting anyone so the thought of the door opening hadn't even crossed her mind till the ladder started to tip and the head phone fell out of her ear. Before Vanessa could even open her mouth to complain the door had been forced all the way open and she'd lost her balance on the ladder hitting the side of the counter with her left side and expelling a mildly loud 'fuck' as she went down. If her infections and meds hadn't been enough it seemed that she'd be adding bruising to the picture also.

The one who'd opened the door in the first place rushed through soon as he'd heard all the clattering. There hadn't been enough time to prevent her fall but he was next to her in a matter of seconds.

"Jesus… Vanessa I'm so sorry. I tried to call you first but you weren't picking up your phone. I banged on the door. I guess your headphones were too loud. Are you ok? Nothing's broken right? I mean, do I need to call 911 or anything?"

Scott's panicked voice spoke fast as he finally came into her view. Vanessa lay on her back on the floor, knees bent, head resting on her hands. She could feel the bruises forming and she was in no rush to move off of the floor. She knew she wasn't hurt, a little shaken up and a lot red but other than that she was fine. Lying on the floor the coughing fit started causing Scott to panic that much more as he helped her to her feet. He was beginning to remind her of Dan, it was exactly something Dan would have done. Even as she shook her head and attempted to talk with her hands to get him to calm he still asked her every five seconds if she was ok. After limping to the sink for a glass of water she took a sip and cleared her throat to talk.

"Scott, calm down. It was a simple fall, I'm fine"

She said putting her hands up as she watched him back away from her to the gallery refrigerator. Taking one of the ice packs out, she took it from him with a partial smile as she winced at the movement. It wasn't ok to make fast movements it turned out.

"I came to see if maybe you wanted to go get dinner or something. My treat and you can't say no. how about those tequila shots from a few weeks ago."

He'd been persistent with asking her out on dates once a week. Scott at times seemed to be overrun with confidence. His familiar green eyes sparkled at the offer and she could see flecks of brown and gold in them. Vanessa would have loved to say yes. If her heart wasn't already gone with no shot of ever coming back, Scott seemed really great but Vanessa just didn't want it. Besides, those tequila shots sounded way to tempting for her to sit near.

"Actually I was just about to head home, my sister's cat needs attention and so does my apartment. You can come again if you want to."

Knowing he wouldn't refuse the offer she reached for her bag and her phone. Scott spent most days laying on her couch telling her all of the reasons she wanted to go out with him. Vanessa never seemed to budge and Scott never took the hint. She didn't mind it so much, there was just something about him that she couldn't get mad at.

"Only if I can pick up a movie, at least do that with me V, please?"

Sighing in response she clicked a button to check for missed alerts on her phone not that she expected anymore then maybe Scott's calls. It surprised her to find three missed calls from Jenny and five from Dan. Seemed like something was going on, starting to send a text she zoned out of her conversation with Scott only for the door in back of her to slam shut and make her jump as four sets of feet traveled in.

"Damn it V, are you trying to give us all a heart attack?"

The lights in the gallery were all off and she and Scott were sitting in the dark, something she hadn't noticed till Jenny's voice peeped up. Turning around as if she'd been caught with her hand in a cookie jar, with the ice pack against her side she threw a confused look at Dan and Jenny as she looked at the other two with them. Serena, Eric, Dan, Jenny stood in the doorway with their hands full of game boards, colorful bottles of liquor, and sleeping bags. Looked like it was the night for a sleepover and she'd attempted to miss the memo.

"Don't worry V we have your stuff with… who's this?"

To think that he was the one to call her rude when it came to new people, it seemed like she'd figured out where she got it from. Placing the ice pack down on the counter she walked over to them sourly as Scott followed suit.

"Dan, this is Scott. Scott this is my best friend Dan, his little sister Jenny, his ex girlfriend Serena, and Serena's brother Eric. Scott's new in town, from…. Boston?"

She looked at him again to make sure, remembering things lately wasn't one of Vanessa's strong points. Though with everything she'd read it seemed as though it was normal.

"Careful, this one isn't the most optimistic one in the city."

Dan said throwing a look to Vanessa as he put his hand out to Scott to shake. There was a look on Scott's face that left Vanessa trying to figure him out. It was like he was in shock about something. Then she remembered that Serena was standing in the room, that's all it had to have been. She rolled her eyes, of course every guy stops to stare at the Van der Woodsen.

Soon as Dan stepped back and Eric had shaken Scott's hand, and Jenny had waved at him Serena's bubbly self bounded forward and hugged him. It seemed like someone had already hit the liquor.

"Welcome to the city Scott. You'll love it here."

Dan shook his head as he watched Serena's actions and tried not to laugh. Their friendship had improved a lot since Jenny's sweet 16. Dan looked at Vanessa and made a motion of tipping a bottle.

"Am not, it was one bottle and if you'd walked in on our parents having sex on the couch in the living room first then you'd have consumed as much alcohol as you could just to erase the image Dannnnnn don't lie"

Her words slurred together as Jenny and Eric put their hands over their ears and Dan made a face, too much information was turning into a big problem. Sounded like Lily and Rufus needed rules just as much as the kids in the house needed them also.

"I thought you two were with Allison this weekend?"

Vanessa asked as she walked back to the table and put the ice pack back to her side as everyone filed into the gallery and started to set up things here and there for the night.

"Let me tell you, pregnant people just aren't that fun to be around."

At Jenny's words a nervous laugh escaped Vanessa's lips causing Dan and Scott to turn around and look at her with an identical look of confusion. She thought quick and bit her lip attempting to come up with an excise for her actions. She didn't need one as Eric somehow turned music on and Jenny called everyone over to an already set up game of monopoly.

* * *

_The city was awake and a buzz outside the window of the brownstone. The two inside couldn't have cared any less as they lay sound asleep on the hard leather and wood couch. Not the most comfortable piece of furniture to sleep on but there was something about being together that made it that much more bearable. The steady breathing felt through the rises and falls of chests, a somewhat warm blanket that had been draped over the right side of the couch almost too small to cover them both pulled tightly around their still clothed bodies. Not another space in the world had been more comfortable to sleep just due to the fact that they had one another. The mess they'd made out of the living room surrounded them, chip bags on the table, lap top half under the couch, jeans, coat, sweater, and leggings to make things a little more comfortable littered the floor. Had Anne or one of the maids come in they would have shaken their heads, Mr. Nate and Vanessa (as she insisted) had a habit of falling asleep wherever they decided to settle down for a few moments. Their strange places had included sitting beside the stove in the kitchen back around Christmas time, when they'd attempted to bake cookies, flour all over both of them and the kitchen floor. The other had been the middle of the hallways floor after a snowball fight in central park, poor Marjorie had thought they were both dead from weather conditions. The pair still joked about it, star crossed lovers doomed from the start. _

_He was the first to wake up; the sun shining on the red walls of the 'family room' did it. Making the walls shine like fire in the early morning sun. It's attempt to alert them that it was somewhere around seven on a Thursday morning was something he'd tried to block out for twenty minutes already. The soft breathing of the female whose body was on top of his, whose gentle breathing hit his neck with every inhale and exhale, would have lulled him back into his dreams if laying with her hadn't been enough. He ran his hand through the dark curls that sprung out soon as she'd pulled all of the bobby pins out of her hair while they watched something or other on the television. He was perfectly content being pinned underneath her and feeling her breath as she slept, listening to the sound of their hearts beat, just knowing she was his. Maybe they were different and all, but it just added more to the relationship than anything else. It made him fall even more in love with her then he already was. _

_Buzzing on the table made him blink open his perfect sapphire eyes once again only to be greeted with by the morning sun. Nate hadn't ever been a very big fan of waking up in the mornings. Glancing at the table quick he noticed Vanessa's phone attempting to vibrate off of the table. Seeing that it was too close to first period time for Dan it could only mean one thing, work loomed an hour away for her. He'd tried in the past to pay her to take a day out of work but she always seemed to refuse, Rufus needed her help. He knew she wouldn't be happy if he let her sleep, no matter how tempting it sounded to lay with her in his arms all day. She made him turn soft, Chuck Bass would have been embarrassed to know some of the things that went through his best friend's mind. He snapped out of his thoughts. He needed to get up and get them both going for the day, he knew he'd at least make it to the second half of his classes and LAX practice. _

_Gently he shook her shoulder, his lips brushing the top of her head as he tested out his sleep groggy voice for the first time in the morning. _

_"V… Vanessa, baby, you gotta wake up. Your gonna be late for work." _

_The normally light sleeper barely budged, far as she moved was to lift her hand and place it against his lips, her own way of telling him to shut up and let her sleep. Normally it was only something she did when she was falling asleep. Nate kissed her hand as he moved it away from his mouth. A smile crossed his face and he did his best not to laugh at her childish antics. She could be such a child sometimes, just as long as the outside world didn't get to see a moment of it. It was their thing, he loved every second of being with her. _

_"Come on, Vanessa, You have to get up."_

_In reaction this time she turned her head into the couch and attempted to burry herself between his arm and the back of the couch to hide. Anything to get his voice out of her head and to keep the sun light from invading her dreams it seemed. _

_"Nate stop"_

_Mumbling almost completely inaudible he couldn't help but let the dimpled smile from crossing his face. Even stubborn and grouchy she was beautiful to him, he just didn't understand how he's been lucky enough to be picked by her. He didn't deserve her, she was to good for his world. Regardless of the whole letter to Jenny thing, it just proved how much she loved him. _

_"The last time I let you sleep through work you didn't speak to me all day. So, you get up now or I'm carrying you up those stairs and putting you in the shower."_

_Threatening hadn't done anything only made Vanessa ball her fists and put them over her ears trying harder to block him out rather than listening to him drive her crazy to get up. Nate laughed once, he wasn't about to threaten her again as he picked her up and through her still sleepy form over his shoulder where she complained against his back._

* * *

Clicking the side of her cell phone the numbers glowed three fifteen AM, go figure, even the time tried to tell her something, that or Vanessa had just watched far too many horror movies in her life time. She knew she'd been the first one to fall asleep. Early on in the game but there weren't many nights anymore when Vanessa didn't crash from being exhausted. when she did sleep her memories surronded her as dreams, being dragged into the shower fully clothed was one of the better ones even if she'd yelled at him to no end after. She didn't have to move very much to know what, or who rather she was using as a pillow. Twisting around so she was laying on her stomach she could just barely make him out in the light of the street lamps. Her eyes were still not right exactly from being sick. Since having the fever they'd been a little out of focus. She blinked a few more times before she'd noticed the blonde's head on his shoulder, her arms wrapped around him, and their legs entangled. They sure didn't sleep as though they could very easily someday be step siblings. Vanessa laughed to herself, typical Dan and Serena.

Raising her hand to his shoulder she shook him a few times waiting for him to wake up. Dan wasn't the lightest sleeper, he'd never been. She hadn't even had to whisper his name before he blinked an eye open to stare at her. She didn't have to say anything back to him she simply motioned to the kitchen area with her head then stood up and headed into it taking a second to turn around in the doorway and look at everyone sprawled out on the floor. Scott was lying with Jenny and Eric, all three were sound asleep next to the monopoly game board. Dan was working on getting Serena off of him without disturbing her too much. It had been a good night all together and everyone had gotten along without much of a fight. With the amount of liquor that had actually been consumed Serena would have been the only one that felt the effect.

She switched on the light in the kitchen and headed straight for the fridge as she heard Dan's footsteps behind her. She wanted cheese cake, or, potato salad, or… well that was a new one. Cravings hadn't existed till now, even more proof that she wanted to hide from after the night she'd had. she'd had fun, with friends, if she stayed pregnant how was that going to continue? Dan wasn't going to speak to her again because she'd been so stupid, Serena would take Blair's side and insist she was trying to trap Nate, Jenny still wasn't over him, Eric she didn't actually know so he didn't count in anything, and Scott would defiantly stop attempting to pursue her. Vanessa's mind had never been so insecure as it was lately, it couldn't have been normal.

"Midnight snack or are you planning on pulling a parent trap and honeying up everyone while they're asleep? Only thing is I think we need to use fluff on Serena, the honey won't faze her any."

At first she'd jumped at the sound of his voice till she'd actually listened to his sentence then a short lived smile crossed her face. Doing that would have been the old Dan and Vanessa before she'd ever gone to Vermont. Jenny had to remember all of the times she'd woken up with flour all over her bed. Allison had called it the 'torture the youngest' game.

"I don't have the energy for that one, I'm just hungry"

Shrugging her shoulders she turned around to face him chewing on one of the deli pickles from the jar. It was just a good thing that Dan wouldn't have thought anything of her strange snacking at weird hours of the night.

"So I was thinking, I'm gonna ask Serena to prom. Just as friends of course. I told you what happened at Passover with Lilly and Rufus. I'll pass on inducing yet another heart attack. I think Lily would have to be committed with another thing like… ouch, Vanessa what did you do?"

Not noticing he'd even caught it she'd lifted her shirt slightly to see just how bad the bruise was. The black, purple, and blue marks along her side looked as though someone had sucker punched her in the side. She raised the side of her shirt again and touched her side with her hand wincing at the contact almost right as soon as she tried it.

"It's nothing, I was trying to fix something and I fell. No big deal."

Giving her an odd look for a moment he gave up and shook his head as he pulled out one of the stools and directed her to sit down as he opened two bottles of water and slid across from her. She'd been more and more secretive lately.

"You and your accidents, that damn cat looks like it's trying to kill you."

Even Dan had noticed that Vanessa's arms were the cat's new scratch board, the cut on her face as slowly fading but still obvious.

"You've been stressing yourself out since Nate and you… split. At least you passed the drinking and smoking faze, no offence but you're scary when you're high and sneaking through my window at night."

His statement made her sit right down, her hand unconsciously going to her stomach. It hadn't actually occurred to her till the moment that she could have actually done damage, for a good four weeks or so of her pregnancy she'd been in such a daze she didn't remember much of what happened. All she could remember was turning to Chuck to make the pain go away, not that Dan knew it was Chuck she'd turned to. Something told her he wouldn't have been very supportive of that one. Chuck Bass was not one of Dan's favorite people, she'd receive too much lecture then she wanted to deal with. She was well aware of hypercritic Dan, he wasn't someone she adored exactly.

"Dan… there's something I need to te…"

Jenny's sudden appearance in the doorway made Vanessa shut her mouth and take another bite of her pickle. She wasn't exactly ready to tell her secret to Dan there was no way that she could let Jenny find out also. Her news would just have to wait, not that was any problem to her, and she was really in no rush to tell anyway. After the pretty ok night they'd had she was in no rush to complicate things.

"Serena, Eric, and Scott are all talking in their sleep. It's a little scary in there. Serena's ordering from some bar, Eric is on a date with Jonathan, and Scott is asking someone why they gave him up. I think I'll stay in here with you two. At last you two are half normal."

Sliding into a chair beside Vanessa Jenny kept on rambling as she took a pickle from the jar in front of Vanessa and took a bite looking back and forth between best friend and brother. Vanessa looked over at Dan to see if he'd heard anything she was about to say before Jenny walked in and it seemed like nothing had registered, nothing had gotten through his brain.

* * *

Izzy – poor Chuck, it's one thing he's never going to forget, I mean… he's chuck bass :P lmao. She's still having problems from the fever. She's still running herself down as you can tell, anything not to admit what's really going on. The cat… hmmm it's part will get bigger. Nope they haven't so far, and I was going to try and put a flashback in here but I couldn't get it to come out right. but, next chapter there will be. Though if it'll be pleasant or not I can't say :P actually, edit that one - I think i'll add that flashback in.

rocklesson86 – I think chuck does have a good side. It's just buried deep deep deep deep down.

Christinamarie712 – Chuck being caring might just be sticking around o.O yes he did, though Chuck bass never stays down for too long. The cat is evil, though, aren't most cats?

Jen – Chuck Bass admit he cares about someone? Now that would be a scary thought in its self… or is it?

Alex – Yay! I gave him depth :D mission accomplished. I was trying to stick with making Chuck as realistic as I possibly could. I can totally see Chuck being completely overbearing and protective of someone or… something, can't you? Especially when it comes to a something of Nate's, if you get what I mean ;)

Dan's back! He might not know, but he's back. Besides Nate I see Dan being one of her most difficult people to tell about the pregnancy. She's not ready to admit it out loud much, she's far from ready for Dan to know. It'll all just make it more real. She's attempting to postpone the agony.

Chuck has to know about it, and Dan needs to know about it… hmmm idea there o.O yep I think so

What'll happen when her acceptance letter to NYU is actually thrown into the mess? As if her life wasn't already complicated. Why not just add one more thing for her to think about to it.

Next chapter we still have to deal with bastard Nate, but Fitz is coming, very very very soon

The aww image I'll tell you in the thread :P oooo what book?


	7. Marks on the Sheets

Author's Note: ok so this chapter came out ok, I'm not sure if it's as good as I wanted it to be but it's done. I'l looking very forward to your reviews so please review and tell me your thoughts! I have a hard time continuing on without reviews. (: ok I'm gonna keep this short and sweet, read, think about it, review, and maybe Noelle will even give you a cookie after. by the way, yes I did change her age. I needed her a little bit older.

enjoy!

-Manda

* * *

Sneaking into Cora's apartment wasn't all that hard, the spare key was always under the doormat in case of emergencies. In Vanessa's opinion it was an emergency. In four and a half hours she was to be at a church, in the same small vicinity of Nate. To sit at his cousin's wedding beside Chuck and smile like she wasn't hiding anything. The fact along that she had to sit there with Chuck was enough to start up her hesitations. She needed to find a dress that hid both her bruises from a week ago, scratches from the cat, and the mini bump that she swore she could already see just by looking in the mirror. Her thoughts were going to be the death of her, that was all she knew. Vanessa hadn't ever been very good at hiding things and all of these secrets were driving her crazy. Sitting at the kitchen table she'd reached for an unopened bottle of vodka a while ago. So there she was, spinning it around and around. Part of her could already taste the liquid in the bottle; she knew that the effect of it would numb her pain for a short while.

"You know darling, that baby's favorite drink is not vodka"

Cora startled her by putting a hand on her shoulder, Vanessa hadn't even known she was up yet. She sighed and stood the bottle back up. She put her head into her arms on the table not looking at Cora, she couldn't look at Cora. She knew that if she looked at her Cora would try even harder to make her feel better and Vanessa didn't think that was possible. Just the thought of having to be in the same room as Nate was making her sick, how was she actually supposed to do it? How could she look at him with Blair and still be ok after it all? Being anywhere that family made her nervous, the thought of seeing William, it wasn't going to be a good day.

"Do you have any idea how tempting any type of liquor is right now? Anything, any type of liquor or anything to make today better then it's going to be. I mean, is any of this even worth it Cora? Is this baby even worth it, I don't know if I can do this. I really don't know. A baby doesn't deserve to be in the middle of any of this mess."

Working herself up was becoming a common occurrence for Vanessa. She over thought things and stressed out over everything. The baby decision was one she didn't know what to do about and Cora had tried to reason with her over it a number of times. Vanessa's mind told her that it was all just going to crash and burn right in front of her, but her heart told her she needed to stop and she needed to give everything a shot. The same heart that had been broken into little pieces, that's what made everything so hard. After trusting herself to be with Nate she didn't trust herself with anything anymore.

"V, if you do that do you really think you'll be able to live with yourself. You drink that bottle and something happens to that baby without your consent, will that all really be ok with you?"

Pulling out the chair across from her Cora sat down and Vanessa lifted her head for only a moment. It was long enough to catch Cora's eyes.

"Yes, no, maybe… I don't know anymore."

Slamming her head back down on the counter she sighed, the wedding really wasn't something that she wanted to attend. It gave her to much to think about, going with Chuck just made it that much worse. There wasn't a doubt in the fact that she'd be gawked at and glared at all afternoon and evening. She owed it to Maureen though; she'd been good to her without reason. She'd kept her secret.

"I think you need to stop stressing out Vanessa, just take everything an hour at a time. You'll be fine today, maybe something will happen and you'll even find the courage to tell him."

Cora only received a grunt in response as Vanessa didn't bother to sit up again. There was complete silence in the yellow and green kitchen till the pitter patter of little feet across the linoleum floor interrupted it. Both Cora and Vanessa looked up to see Noelle dressed in her peter rabbit pajamas dragging her beloved blanket in one clenched fist. The sight of the small child was enough to make anyone smile. She stumbled right past Cora and straight to V putting her arms up with a sleep hazy smile spread across her face. Cora shot Vanessa a warning look as though to say that thirty pounds was too heavy to pick up and Vanessa paid no attention.

"Veevee… beebee"

Noelle's actions made Vanessa's eyes flash up to Cora's, Noelle had placed her hand right over Vanessa's white sweat shirt, right on her stomach. She sent a glare to Cora, how else would the small child know. She was speechless, words didn't even exist to say anything on the matter of the baby. She wasn't ready to admit to anyone never mind a child who was very close to Nate. Feeling Noelle's hand over her stomach she couldn't bring herself to show any type of emotion, she wasn't sure of any type of emotion.

"mommy sayed beebee is a fishy. It's swimming in your tummy"

Maybe the honors program for a nearly four year old was not that good of an idea, she had much to large a vocabulary Vanessa decided then. She was speechless at a complete loss for any sort of words to either deny or admit to anything Noelle was saying.

"who else's fishy did I tell you it was Ellie?"

Vanessa felt her heart rate speed up as she watched between the child in her lap and her friend. Of course Cora would encourage it all. She'd been on it since the prospect of the baby day one. Of course she'd been that way, with Nicolas's death Cora's motto had been seize every day you have like it was the last one you'd ever live. Somehow that one included having and taking care of the baby. Elle's smile increased spreading cross her whole face as a light blush came to her cheeks as it always did before talking about or to Nate.

"Natie!"

She squeaked out in a happy voice as Vanessa gave her a light fake smile and almost nodded her head. At least that was one thing she'd come to terms about. She still felt it hard to believe at times that there really was a baby inside of her, even after the weeks that had gone by she still hadn't wrapped her mind around the whole thing yet.

"What did mommy tell you though Ella bell?"

Listening intently to what was going to be next to come out of Ele's mouth Vanessa looked back and forth between Cora and Noelle half holding her breath. When it came to Cora it was anyone's guess what Ele was going to say next. Vanessa could only hope that it was something good and not something bad, she didn't want her secret coming out from the mouth of a four year old.

"Shhh, no Natie"

Noelle said taking her voice down a few levels and putting her finger to her lips. At least that was a little bit of a relief, knowing that she'd been told not to tell him.

"Veevee? Can I speak whale to the fishy? Will it understand me?"

Finding Nemo was all three of the kids favorite movies so she should have expected it. Vanessa put her hand over her eyes for a second before looking at Cora and shaking her head quick as Elle looked at her impatiently on her lap. Noelle had somehow coiled herself up so that her ear was to Vanessa's shirt. She was listening as thought she'd be able to hear something.

"Do you have to eat fishy food now? So the fishy can grow into a beebee"

Giving up her protective feelings she couldn't hold it up anymore, the little girl on her lap was waiting for her to talk back. Ele was waiting for her to be positive and to talk about the baby like she was happy and excited that the little thing was coming. Vanessa knew she wasn't going to be able to go along all that way. She knew though that she needed to try.

"No silly, I just have to eat healthy."

Playfully ruffling Ele's hair she avoided looking at Cora at all costs, she knew Cora would have a smile on her face. an actual genuine smile that might or might not be very contagious. It wasn't often that Vanessa didn't smile around the kids, even in the darkest days they had their ways. sitting in the silence, Noelle's ear still up against her sweatshirt the shrill ring of her cell phone broke all concentration in the room. The sound of the phantom ring she'd assigned to Chuck sounded in her ears and she looked at it confused for a moment before lifting it to her ear.

"Hello?... what?… why?... fine, yea"

With a short conversation she hung up the phone and put it back on the table. Chuck was demanding her presence at the Van der Bass suit hours before the wedding. Part of her was anxious just to be away from Cora and Noelle before she felt anymore suffocated by the thought of the baby or before something changed her mind on the facts in front of her.

"I have to go, but, I'll call you right after it's all over ok Cora?"

Vanessa said as she lifted Noelle off of her and sat her down on the table top pausing for a second to hug the little girl tightly. Whatever idea chuck had for before the wedding couldn't have been good, any idea that came from the mind of Chuck Bass wasn't ever a good thing.

"Take care of yourself and that baby today ok Vanessa?"

Cora chided as she got up to walk Vanessa to the door of the apartment, Noelle trailed behind dragging her stuffed bunny by the ear. Once they got to the door Elle grabbed a hold of Vanessa's hand so that she couldn't go anywhere for a moment. it was one of the many ways Noelle was just like Cora.

"Fishy"

Noelle whispered getting close to Vanessa as though she were telling a secret up to Vanessa's stomach. Vanessa saw the corners of Cora's mouth pick up into a smirk and Vanessa did her best not to smile too, Noelle seemed so serious.

"Fishy, take care of Veevee, mommy's are important"

Wincing and shutting her eyes at the word mommy right away Vanessa needed to get out of there. That was a place her mind didn't go and had no intention of going any time soon. Cora saw it too as she picked her daughter up and opened the door for Vanessa. had everything else been under different circumstances maybe things wouldn't have seemed like just a mess but the fact was things were a mess. Vanessa couldn't let that one go. They were a mess with no getting better in sight. The goodbyes she bid were silent as she rushed out into the street letting the cool morning air hit her face right away. Anything to get away from her thoughts, even, if it meant going to Chuck to do so, he always knew that to do and how to make her escape from the places she didn't want to be. Even if it meant having sex where he chose it to be. Her mind just needed a break and she needed to escape from where she was for as long as she could.

* * *

The whole dress just yelled fun at her, and after trying on the past thirty-six Vanessa was more than relieved. In the past two and a half hours she'd tried on everything from a simple black Vera Wang that cost nearly two months of her rent to the classic vintage yellow summer dress in the back of her closer. None of the other dresses had been anywhere near as perfect as the one she had on. Name brands were something she couldn't have cared about, but, everyone else at the wedding did. Chuck had advised her to take note of the designer. Nanette Lepore, cobalt blue with rose red and lime green butterfly bursts, a lime and red tiered pattern along the hem, and a red ruffle tie behind the neck. It was unique and loud. Just the perfect Vanessa style, something that not many people would have picked. It was so much better than the champagne gown she'd nearly been forced to wear. When Blair had become a brides made at Grandfather's orders Maureen had let Vanessa off the hook. At least she was able to move in the loose fitting dress she had on without worry of her secret escaping. It didn't matter if she wasn't showing much, she could still feel it, she still felt like everyone could see it when they looked at her. Trying on the sixty-two other dresses Chuck had forced her to try on she could see it with every dress. Ten week hardly showed anything on her figure, but, Vanessa could see it all. Even standing in the small bathroom of the Trump Tower she could see it. She swore Nate had been able to see it to when he first laid eyes on her. It was only the hand slipping it's way to her butt that reminded her why Nate was really gawking at her. Chuck Bass wasn't the most suddle person around.

Maureen had insisted Chuck escort her. Apparently somewhere between the slash mark cross her face from the cat and the purple, yellow, and green bruises all over the left side of her body from falling off of the ladder Vanessa wasn't the best candidate to do things alone. How being around Chuck was supposed to make things better she wasn't sure. Secondhand smoke was just as dangerous as if she smoked it herself. None the less she agreed. Her subconscious told her she only agreed so that she could see the looks on both Nate and Blair's faces. In that aspect she'd been right, their faces had been covered in matching shades of outrage and disgust. Vanessa had played along through, half against her will she'd played along. They'd walked in not holding hands but rather with his hand in a very inappropriate spot. They'd sat in one of the pews and Chuck's hand had slipped it's self between her thighs, she'd attempted to pull down the short dress so that no one noticed. From the look in Nate's eyes as he stood up beside Tripp he'd been a witness to it. Even in a church Chuck Bass had no shame. The thought made her feel dirty as she smoothed another layer of clear gloss over her lips, she wasn't a whore. Sleeping with the Upper East Side manwhore while his best friend's baby developed inside of her did not make her a whore. It just might have made for a slightly twisted episode of Maury, but, Vanessa was not a whore.

The door to the bathroom opening and shutting behind her made her thoughts vanish and her hands retract from the spot where her abs had at one point in time been decently solid. The slight weight gain there hadn't been something preventable, just as the expansion of her boobs hadn't been optional either. She shuttered to think it would get worse and there wouldn't be any avoiding her secret.

"Vanessa?"

The sound of her name out of his mouth made her shut her eyes as she glanced at him in the mirror. She took a breath and turned around slowly. Facing him wasn't one of the easiest things she did anymore. Between hiding her secret and knowing that she was intimate with Chuck Bass she didn't want to be face to face with him. It just wasn't a good idea she didn't think.

"Are you ok? You don't look so good"

It wasn't like she was just going to admit her morning sickness to him. Not in the middle of his cousin's wedding. She didn't want to have to tell him at all. It would have been nice to complain to him that her morning sickness lasted all day, nice to have someone that would have been just as scared as she was. The most restricting part about telling him was not the part that knew he'd resent her, or the part that knew Blair would make a public scene out of it all. It was the part that told her that his first thoughts verbalized on it would be him telling her it was a mistake and that she needed to have an abortion. After the four weeks of knowing it was inside of her she'd gotten used to the idea. She felt as though if anyone was going to make the decision to get rid of it it was her. The last thing she felt like putting up with was his negative views on what she was doing.

"Yea, I'm fine, I'm just…"

Vanessa trailed off as Nate slipped a travel size Motrin from his pocket to the counter top.

"Hung-over? "

Part of her wanted to say she wished. Wished it was just a hangover that would pass in a few hours. She didn't bother to respond, she just picked up the Motrin off the counter top and held it in her hand. Ibuprofen was yet another thing on her not to have list. That list seemed to be one that never ever ended. Never in Vanessa's life had she had as many restrictions to things that she had now that she was carrying the little thing inside of her.

"I guess that's what you get for sleeping with Chuck."

When he hissed out his words she winced and wanted nothing more than to tell him the truth. Her hormones were acting overtime and all Vanessa wanted was for him to wrap his arms around her and put his hands on her stomach. No, she pushed the thought from her mind. That was the last thing she wanted him to do. She didn't even want him to know about the little thing she was hiding. As far as she was concerned he didn't need to be involved in her decisions. It must have appeared that Vanessa had zoned out again because Nate reached for the pill packet. When his hand lingered against hers she felt Goosebumps rise on her skin. His eyes showed he'd felt it too but it quickly ended when he tore his hand away from hers with the pill packet in it.

"Nate, I…"

She hadn't had the first clue of what she was going to say as she started to break their silence. Her brain wasn't working in coordination with her speaking. As much as he had no right to be mad at her, he was the one that had broken up with her; she was the one that had suffered a broken heart. He didn't even care what he'd done to her and he'd done so much more then he actually knew.

"Save it Vanessa. I don't want to hear any excise you make up for what you do. You're not my problem. Acquire as many STD's from Chuck that you'd like. Or, wait weren't you shoving your tongue down some other guy's throat at the park last week? What happened to that?"

Her mouth fell open soon as the words slipped from his mouth and she wasn't sure if it was because of how much of an ass he was being or because he'd actually used a word like 'acquire' rather than just the word 'get'. He wasn't acting like the Nate she'd fallen in love with. More like a jealous asshole was more like it, lately she didn't even know who he was.

As for the kiss it wasn't much, Scott had surprised her with a dinner in the park that she didn't really want. She'd been nice and went along with it anyway, she had nothing else to do after work. Dan was working now trying to make money for college, her friendship with Jenny wasn't right enough for her to be hanging around with, and Cora's kids were sick meaning Cora had barred her from being anywhere near the apartment, Ruby was away for the week with the band. She had no reason not to let Scott try and take her mind off of things. He'd been sweet; they'd watched a movie in the park on his iPod and at the night he'd kissed her only for her to pull away. She wasn't ready to be kissed, she wasn't ready for a relationship, she wasn't even ready to be honest with anyone. Somehow gossip girl had found it though, her kiss had been an update on spotted. He, he didn't have any right to care, he didn't have a hold over her. Thinking it through again she felt her face heat up in both embarrassment and anger.

"You! As if you have any room to talk! You hadn't even dumped me yet and already there you were screwing around with Blair. How do you think that felt to me Nate?"

Her voice was thick with ice as she balled her hands into fists and dug her nails into her palms keeping them at her sides so that she kept all of her physical harm to herself. Lately Vanessa wasn't one to hold herself accountable to her actions, mood swings were set off at even the slightest thing.

"Well obviously you're over it. Tell me, did Chuck Bass even compare to what we had?"

It was more than obvious that he'd had quite a few drinks at the reception already. Vanessa sneered at him one more time before turning away and heading back to the door of the bathroom. She wasn't even sure why he'd come into the women's bathroom to begin with unless he'd been looking for a fight with her the whole time anyway.

"I don't feel like dealing with you."

She said with her back to him as she started to head out the door and into the hall only till he caught her wrist making her stop in the door way with the door open. how they'd gotten to where they were now she couldn't figure out. Vanessa felt like they were complete strangers. There was a part of her that wanted nothing more than to fix it and a part of her that wanted to run away from it all. For it all just to go away and go back to what it had once been before she'd known anything about the Upper East Side, before she'd known anything about Nate Archibald. The baby was her tie to him, the longer she stayed pregnant the stronger her tie to him got. She'd tried to schedule the abortion but she couldn't go through with it, not without him knowing. There was something that told her he deserved to know too. Sure, it was her body and her final decision but it was a piece of him too. Even if she didn't want to be a part of him or be anywhere near him the baby still was, and, he still owned a piece of her heart, and a piece of the thing inside of her.

"Of course you don't"

He mumbled and Vanessa spun around to face him biting the inside of her cheek and trying not to scream at him. It was Maureen's day. Maureen who had been nothing but nice to her lately, checking to make sure she was alright and trying to take care of her. No matter how much she refused Maureen was still persistent with her trying.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean? Of course I don't? You're the one that gave up on us to go back to being everything that you said you were sick of. I never once walked out on you so don't be an asshole and turn this all around on me. I wasn't the one that decided to change overnight. That's you… that's all you."

Angry and fierce she looked him straight in the eyes and tried not to faultier to falling apart. Verbally fighting with him was going to take all the energy she already hardly had away.

"Of all people to move on to, never would have thought you would have picked Chuck. That's for sluts and whores to do, never thought you'd be one of them. Your no better than the rest of them Vanessa, I don't know what I ever saw in you."

Her mouth fell open with how hurt she felt with what he'd said. Of all people to give her a name she hadn't expected it to be him, he'd done just as much wrong if not more then she had. They stood glaring eye to eye without words, hurt written all over both of their faces as no one could conjure up any more hurtful words that wouldn't have been stepping any further over the boundaries then they'd already done.

* * *

The rain was drizzling down around her but Vanessa could have cared less, after the things he'd said at the wedding all Vanessa wanted to do was to turn herself off and not feel. She hadn't let Chuck kiss her tonight, not even once. She'd wanted it rough and fast, anything to make her head forget for a while. Forget the messes she was in and the things she'd gotten herself into. She pulled the sheet closer around her body and let the rain beat down on her. The green sheet was already soaked, she wasn't sure if it was actually from the rain or her tears. Vanessa Abrams didn't cry, she wasn't supposed to cry over moronic boys that broke her heart. Tougher than that, she was always supposed to be the tough one, taking care of everyone else was her top priority. She threw her head back letting the rain water beat down her face, perhaps not the best idea when a person was still recovering from bronchitis. Vanessa couldn't remember the last time she'd made a good decision; it sure as hell wasn't lately. If it had been lately she would have just given up by now. She'd of had the abortion and gone straight back to Vermont without ever looking back at New York.

There were still things that kept her in the city. Her sister for one, Ruby's drinking and drug use wasn't something that she could dared to leave alone. If anything happened to Ruby she'd always blame herself. Then there was Dan and Jenny, it was the last summer they'd have together before college came up and turned everything upside down. Even if she and Jenny weren't as close as they'd once been Jenny still needed her around to keep her grounded when ever everything progressed with Rufus and Lily, Cora and the kids, she wasn't sure she could actually leave them. Cora had been so good to her lately, she couldn't turn around and end it. So it left her in the city, in the city sleeping with Chuck Bass for an escape.

She felt herself shutter with an involuntary sob and she put her arms around her legs keeping the sheet covering her. This was all too much, when the sound of the rain beating down couldn't even calm her anymore she knew it was all far too much for her to handle anymore. Secrets were something that Vanessa hated, they just made matters worse. Sitting there trying to concentrate on the rain Vanessa hadn't heard the door in back of her open and shut.

"Are you crazy?"

Footsteps behind her broke her concentration as she leaned back to look up at him walking forward with a cigarette between his lips. His hand shaded it from the water coming down so it wouldn't be watered out. She sighed and lay back down on the hard top of the roof shutting her eyes and taking in the cool air and rain.

"Probably"

Vanessa mumbled out as Chuck exhaled smoke into the night air trying to hide a laugh deep in his throat. He'd already figured out that she wasn't exactly normal but she was different, that's what kept him coming back for more. Something about her he couldn't quite figure out. She wasn't like anyone else, and, it wasn't because she wasn't from the East Side. She was just different all together. She wasn't Blair but she had qualities to her that kept him content. His eyes were stuck on her comfortably laying in the rain with just a sheet wrapped around her and clinging to her every curve.

"Nate really did some damage to you tonight didn't he?"

Chuck observed her closely as her eyes were shut. Her hands rested on the sheet over her stomach leaving lingering patters of up and down as they moved. It was almost like she was attempting to sooth herself from something. Little did Chuck now she was calming herself down from another buildup of sobs that tempted to come loose from her throat. She was using the baby to remind her that at one point in time there had been a Nate that she loved, that Nate didn't exist anymore she'd decided.

"If you'd gotten Blair or any of your other conquests pregnant your first way to fix the problem would have been by telling them to have an abortion right? So if they'd gotten pregnant and just gotten rid of it without saying anything it wouldn't have been that big of a deal right?"

It was an odd question coming out of her mouth and Chuck actually had to stop and think about it. Pregnancy and babies were two things he didn't like very much. After his mother's death in child birth pregnancy wasn't something he ever wanted to see anyone he almost cared about, he wasn't any good with children and never really intended to have to take care of any, and responsibility wasn't something he handled well. There was another part to it all though, there was something actually living involved and… NO.

"Vanessa, you're not trying to tell me that… I've never forgotten protection and you're on the pill you have to be. You were with Nate, I know that he doesn't take care of his business very well. You'd have to be on the pill."

Eyes flicked open in slight annoyance as she shook her head and looked up at him. That was one thing she was glad about, at least she knew for sure the paternity of her baby, she'd already been pregnant when she'd slept with Chuck for the first time.

"I was on the pill, and Nate doesn't take care of things very well."

She was tired of hiding and tired of lying. If Chuck told he told, she couldn't have cared less anymore. She needed to have the abortion; ten weeks still didn't mean anything. She could do it long as she didn't think about it, as long as she disconnected herself from the fact that it was actually a real baby. She couldn't think of it as a piece of her or of Nate, then she'd coil back into the mess she'd been in to begin with.

"Wait, you're telling me you're knocked up and you've been knocked up this whole time? Nathaniel is going to be a father and you haven't even told him yet? Vanessa that's not even fair, he has a right to know. I never thought Archibald had it in him, but apparently he does."

Mumbling the end mostly to his self she looked back out into the night sky. She'd just told her secret to his best friend, on any normal night she would have re thought it with a 'what was I thinking' but not tonight, she couldn't have cared less. She knew what she had to do and how she had to do it. Nothing would go back to what it once was until she did, she'd be off the hook then, and their ties would be severed.

"It doesn't matter, none of this matters anymore. I'm not doing this"

Upon opening her eyes he was right in front of her, hand out stretched to help her up. As she rejected and started to again close her eyes he grew more impatient and took her hand helping her up anyway. She sighed feeling his hand on her back as he led her back into her apartment. Still shaking her head she walked away from him to pick out dry clothes to change into.

"If it wasn't Nathaniel at hand here Vanessa, I would say the option was all yours. You need to give him an option in all of this. You can't not tell him, that's not right or fair, you both got yourself into this mess and it's not all on you to get out of. Even I can tell you that."

With clothes thrown on and her hair thrown back in an elastic she turned back to look at him laying on her bed with his eyes shut and hands folded. Without any hesitation she crawled up beside him on her bed and laid her head on her pillow, she was worn out enough for the both of them.

"I'm going to tell you a something Vanessa not because I like thinking of other people's issues but I think you need to hear it ok? Nate, did Nate ever tell you that he had a sister?"

A sister? That was a new one, as far as Vanessa knew Nate was the only child Anne and the captain had ever had. There wasn't a sign of any other person in his house nor had there ever been, there weren't even photos of Nate when he was little. Vanessa had learned over the months that Anne was funny like that, Nate's baby photos an any other photos in the house were always hidden to display pieces of art that were worth an actual price tag.

"You won't know anything of her, they don't talk about Ruthie. She was born when we were all two, I don't remember her any, and I don't think many people do. She died when we were six, Nate's blamed himself even though not a second of it was his fault. Tay-Sachs disease doesn't give a child very long to live once they're born, and, she wasn't even born a very strong one."

Vanessa was at a loss for words as she shut her eyes listening to Chuck's voice as he told things about Nate she hadn't had any idea about. It wasn't that the story changed her mind any on the matters at hand, but, it did give her new insight to his cluelessness. Any type of early childhood trauma would do that to a person, losing a sibling defiantly counted in those marks. It just made her think of Ruby, and all that she'd give up to stay in New York and take care of her.

"Since then he's always been good with his cousin's brats and what not"

Letting her mind back to Cora and the kids she thought of Noelle and the way he was with Noelle, the way that Noelle had already pretty much claimed the baby. Her mind was full as she turned on her side away from him only to feel him pull the quilt up over her. She'd never tell anyone of course but Chuck did have a sweet side, it might have been hidden deep deep down but it was there. She'd noticed that also after being with him she'd wake up and his arm was almost always over her rather than them lying on different ends of the bed like they'd always start.

"You just need to tell him Vanessa, talk it though with him. And, you know, allow me to my time of celebrating because he fucked up before I ever did."

She suppressed a sleepy eye roll, shutting her eyes and letting her mind take her thoughts over. She had a lot left to consider and think about now, with the fact that Chuck now knew too she had even more to consider. There was no doubt in saying that Nate would find out one way or another, part of her still wanted to have the abortion before he found out. Before she had a whole new mess to straighten out, she knew that if she did it and he found out after there'd be no chance at any type of friendship or relationship between the two of them. If only rewinding time would actually work, then she could have gone back to before everything had happened. Vanessa had a lot of tough choices to make and the clock was ticking on them, too much longer and she'd just have to face everything that was going on with only fewer options. Sleep sounded better than ever suddenly, escaping sounded like something she needed.

* * *

**Izzy** – well there's the first time they've talked to one another face to face since the break up. As for YOB I totally understand, don't apologize… keep doing it. I might get it done that way. It's only like half there right now.

**Christinamarie712** – yes! Exactly who Scott is. Dan and Jenny finding out, hmmm well it's coming down to the wire here. as for keeping the baby, she's still very back and forth with it. Vanessa doesn't do very well with decisions.

**Jen** – lol poor Serena, she's tainted for life now, bring on the liquor! :P I wonder how Lilly and Rufus would have liked to see all five of their children actually getting along. Was that enough Chuck Bass? ;)

**Alexxxxx! :D** – yes they should shouldn't they… Josh and Steph should hire me. Though gotta admit, I'm falling in love with Chuck after last night. He was a sweet heart, Nate on the other hand still needs his brain transplant.

I'd be most afraid to tell Dan if I were her, love Dan but he's very judgmental. She'll get there sooner or later, after she calms down a little bit.

On that one I have a few ideas and if I wasn't so lazy they'd be written as one-shots. As for in here there's a way coming that will turn him back into Fitz that we all love, he just might be a little too late for some things. We'll see, I just started working on it.

Hmm Scott, she starts falling for Scott only to notice that he knew who he was and he lied to her also I don't think V's going to be very please. She doesn't like to be puzzle pieces in people's games as we've noticed, so we'll see what happens with that. Scott's persistent and he likes to get his way, I don't think Nate's going to like him very much.

There's Chuck again!

NYU is coming up, and V's going to learn of a few more decisions she has to take care of.

Two more people finding out this chapter, what's the total up to now? four?

Hope this chapter was as good as the rest!

Nope, I've never heard of the books by the way :-/ maybe I'll check them out!


	8. The Last Goodbye

**Author's Note**: I apologize if this doesn't make much sense, I'm half watching medium. so last chapter wasn't my favorite chapter and I missed putting some things in it and what not. this chapter on the other hand I like, I really like and i'm hoping you all will to. don't forget to leave me your comments. I like replying to reviews, :D so I think you should enjoy this chapter... I hope you do at least. tell me what you think!

Manda

* * *

"Last time I at least got in the building, this time I stood outside. This is getting worse Scott, I mean, I couldn't even touch the door handle without freaking out. I called you to come get me and you listened, you shouldn't have listened. You should have told me to stay there till I did it. I have to do it."

In the week following telling her secret to Chuck Vanessa had balanced all ideas and her latest attempt had been to go through with the one thing she felt like she needed to do. She'd gotten as far as the Planned Parenthood building before the rain had started to fall. Then, she'd stood outside the looking at the brick building unable to move to go inside. She'd watched the hours of her appointment click by and she hadn't made any extra effort to go inside. Vanessa had just watched the minuets tick by on her cell phone. She'd seen all the girls braver then herself who had gone in and hadn't come back out. She had the money in her pocket for it, scraped up from pay, tips, and tuition she'd put aside for college, the letter she hadn't yet gotten. If she hadn't gotten into NYU there was no need for that money. Ruby would probably take it any way to buy pot and cocaine. That was not an environment to raise a baby in, that's the reason she needed to go inside and just have it done without thinking about it. But she'd let herself think about it. She'd let his whispers of 'I love you' and all the memories of their nights together seep into her head and she'd chickened out. Scott was there five minutes after she called. He'd been waiting nearby.

"I told you to do what you felt was best, if carrying the baby's what you want to do then do it. Vanessa you need to stop forcing yourself to do what's right for everyone else and do what's right for you. Even though school's a huge opportunity that you'll love, and, it's sitting right in front of you."

Putting his arms around her and pulling into a tight hug he kissed her temple, in the past week she'd gone with it. If Nate could take another shot at the game then why the hell couldn't she? Besides the fact that she was still carrying Nate's child things were ok. Scott wasn't Nate but he wasn't so bad either. He got along with Dan and Jenny as though they'd always known one another; it was nice to for once have no awkward moments over boyfriends when it came to Jenny. She should have been happy though it all. Vanessa couldn't get rid of the looming feeling that things weren't the way she wanted them to be still. Even if she'd gone into Planned Parenthood and gotten rid of the baby she wasn't sure if it would have helped any. Chuck's words telling her that Nate needed to know what was going on still lingered in her mind. Maybe if she'd of just told him she wouldn't have had any sort of problem getting the abortion.

"Here's your key, and I stopped to get your mail for you. I think there's something in here that you might want. I don't know though, you're bipolar when it comes to things like this."

Being slightly taller he pulled away and held the envelope above her head so that she couldn't reach it. Looking up into the drizzly rain she could make out the emblem on the corner of the thick envelope and a nervous smile spread across her face as she reached for it. It was strange, the year before she wouldn't have even thought the sight of the envelope would have excited her. There were a lot of things she hadn't thought about last year. Nate had been the one to change her world and put more color into it, now she just had some of the shades to struggle with. Trading the envelope for a kiss she grabbed it out of his hand with anxiousness. Holding the envelope in her hand she stood for a moment, this hadn't been the way she'd seen herself opening an NYU envelope. Standing outside of Planned Parenthood with a guy she wasn't even sure about yet was far from lying on Nate's bed and swapping envelopes like they'd planned to do. This wasn't it.

"Open it already; you're lucky I didn't open it for you on the way over. Then we can finally talk about next year like you've so desperately been avoiding. I don't see what the big deal is, college is calling your name Vanessa and I know you want to answer it. If you could only see how much your face lit up when you saw the envelop. You know that this is what you want, NYU is what you want."

She gave Scott a look as she turned the thick envelop over and started to open up the flap, all she wanted was to look at what was right in front of her for the moment, almost all she wanted. Scott stayed silent to Vanessa's surprise as she pulled the paper from it and looked it over.

Accepted, she was in. School was almost covered by financial aid and part of the rest she had in her pocket. One of the best film schools in the nation wanted her to study there. Her SAT's had proved to them how good she was on top of the documentary she'd sent. It was everything she'd wanted, everything she'd planned on doing. For five minutes nothing else mattered for a moment, she was just a normal eighteen year old getting accepted to college. Crying coming from a man walking by with a baby carriage was what jostled her from her thoughts. There was more over her head then just accepting an offer to go to college.

"I… I was accepted. They want me at NYU in the fall."

Vanessa flashed him a fake smile and folded the paper back in the envelop tucking it in her brown messenger bag and turning to walk down the street back to the apartment. She didn't care to think about it anymore, all Vanessa wanted now was to get home. To get home and push her efforts of the day to the back of her mind with a movie, pickle, and maybe a blueberry bagel with chocolate chip cream cheese. As gross as it all sounded Vanessa's cravings lately had been through the roof. If she stayed pregnant she had eleven out of forty weeks down and already she felt like she was eating everything in sight.

They walked in silence all the way back to Ruby and Vanessa's small apartment. She couldn't find it in her to talk about it, to vocalize any of it. They'd talked about it before and she knew his opinion on it, he thought she needed to go to school. School was more important in his eyes over anything else, to her, she wasn't really sure. Her mind was back and forth on it all, part of her just wanted to run all the way to Vermont and never look back. That sounded the most tempting, forgetting she ever had a life in New York.

Too many people knew her secret now. Maureen who found out from Vanessa's own stupidity, Scott who she'd come clean with after he'd kissed her for the first time less than a week ago, Cora who she'd first told her suspicions to, Ruby who of course didn't remember, and Chuck who she'd told because she needed to. She'd needed someone close to him to know, to help her in some strange way. Then there was Noelle, Elle had overheard Vanessa talking in her sleep delirious with fever a few weeks past. She'd heard her mumbling about Nate and the baby, the three year old had watched her, hand station on her stomach, as she mumbled and talked. There wasn't much room to deny it for Cora. When Ele thought she knew something it was the last thing she'd let go. Both Vanessa and Cora knew it. Six people knew what had her so worked up and confused most hours of the day, he biggest life decision. It wasn't too many people to still have a decision but it was too many people for the risk of him finding out through someone else's mouth then her own.

There was so much on her mind that she needed to process and consider and so much that she didn't want to think about. She'd been accepted into the Tisch program, all of the opportunities that were presented in front of her were overwhelming. Getting into NYU was a lifetime decision, everything would have been laid right at her feet if she took the offer. Every bit of it sounded good to her. To stay in the city and further her dream, express the things that she saw differently than anyone else. Vanessa had a chance to study with the best of the best. To go to a school she might have actually liked. That offer was one that she would have said yes to in a second if nothing else had been standing in her way. If she only thought about herself and no one else she would have been going straight to NYU in the fall, she'd of moved into the dorms and left Ruby to wallow in problems all by herself. Even Scott would have been at NYU, Scott who told her she needed to do what she wanted and not what anyone else wanted. He just had the habit of wanting her to follow the college rout. That wasn't Vanessa though and that wasn't all Vanessa had to think about. If that had been all Vanessa's life might had been a little bit simpler then it was.

She didn't even know what simple was anymore, if simple was even something that actually existed. Things would have been simple if she and Nate had just planned on going to Europe and had actually followed through with it. Then things would have been good and she wouldn't have had a million things to worry about. They would have talked about college and enjoyed one another's company, not dealing with an unplanned pregnancy on her own with a guy who was still a virtual stranger yet. Sure, he was her boyfriend of sorts but it didn't mean that her feelings or attraction to him was very dominant, not like it was for Nate. And that wasn't something that she was looking for anyways.

Unlocking and opening the door to her apartment she tossed the keys on the table with bad aim as they fell to the ground as they usually did. She couldn't have been bothered to pick them up as she rolled her and walked forward to throw herself onto the couch omitting a sigh. As she lay down on her back and looked up at the ceiling exhausted from her day already and it'd hardly started yet.

"Why are you doing the silent thing? Vanessa it's your future, I'm only trying to point out what might be the most influential to you. You know all the potential that you have."

She flicked her eyes to look at him as he came closer to her, pickle and cup cake on a plate. He'd been near her to long it seemed, even he knew her cravings were odd. He placed it on the table in back of her head and looked down at her. In his eyes she could see that he had feelings for her and he did his best to respect her wishes. But Scott wanted school, for some strange reason he wanted school in New York and to be involved with her. He got along with Dan, Jenny, and Serena and he was the first guy not to be completely infatuated with Serena. She should have loved that she was first rather than the blonde bombshell. But, she couldn't comply with his wishes she didn't think. She couldn't sacrifice one thing for another person. She'd already done that and lost too much of herself in the process, she wasn't sure if it would have been worth it to do it again. Not when the thing she could have been giving up might have been her only shot.

She'd never had the urge to be a mother, most of the time Vanessa didn't even really like kids all that much. There was something about knowing the baby was her baby that changed it all. For some reason that was all she could think of. While she'd stood outside of Planned Parenthood it had all come down on her. Even if it was far earlier then she'd expected or ever wanted, and she knew that she still had her whole life ahead of her she wasn't sure if she could just let it go anymore. The attachment grew with every breath she took slowly those facts were taking her over. Pregnancy was beginning to settle into her mind not that she wanted to admit it out loud, it was just something she'd keep in the back of her mind till she was sure of her decisions.

"Scott, I really don't want to talk about it"

Lifting the frosting off the cupcake she put her finger in her mouth, her eyes still closed. She knew he wasn't pleased with the way she was acting but they'd only known one another for about five weeks, five weeks where Vanessa hadn't known what she'd wanted even once. It was all more then she thought she could handle at times.

"Know what… I'm going to um… I'm going to pick up a movie and call my parents. I'll see you in a few hours or maybe tomorrow"

Soon as he turned his back on her she rolled her eyes. Guys, they were all the same. All the same and all a pain in the ass, they didn't know how to grow up. She took a bite of the pickle and pulled up her favorite quilt. Maybe a nap would do her some good.

* * *

New Port, half the time she was in New Port he couldn't have been more glad. Those were the nights he'd spent with Vanessa for hours and hours laying on top of blankets, sheets, and pillows both innocent and not. Tonight, New Port was as far from a good idea as it could have ever been. Tonight Nate didn't know what to do or how to act and to make matters worse he couldn't get in touch with his mother. Which meant she's probably had way to much wine and was sound asleep somewhere with her snobby friends. His mind was on fire and he had nowhere to turn. Grandfather would have been the last person on his list, Maureen and Tripp were on their honeymoon, Chuck didn't do well when it came to family matters, and Blair… well, she was just Blair, just not the right person he wanted to console him at a time like this. Serena wouldn't have been a smart choice with the fact that he was with Blair and he'd been there and done that before. He was sure Dan couldn't have been very much on his side, Jenny wouldn't have been very bright to attempt at not that he even would have. The one person that he knew would have sat with him without question, the one person he'd of most wanted to be there at a time like it wasn't exactly friends with him right now. He'd messed up their relationship completely. All of it left Nate with nothing to work with. He knew he shouldn't have been such an ass to her. You're not supposed to treat the people you love that way.

He'd treated everyone wrong lately, like he'd been living in a fog. Why standing in the middle of the ER was reminding him of it all he didn't know but it was. The prospect of his father's maybe heart attack was putting a lot of things in perspective. Being alone in the ER was reminding him of everything he didn't want to be involved in, what was the use when you didn't have anyone to lean on. Doctors rushed in and out of his father's hospital room, monitors beeped and rang out and Nate couldn't stand near the door any longer. Not alone and not with the prospect of something happening to his own father. Nate didn't take loss very well, he'd had more than enough loss in his life and he wasn't sure if he could handle anymore.

Coffee sounded good, even if it was stale coffee it sounded good. It sounded like it would wake him up for a while. Nate had made up his mind to go and attempt to find the cafeteria. Walking down the hallway he passed by the waiting area only to stop in his tracks, from anywhere he would have known his own St. Jude's Lacrosse sweatshirt and the person that was tucked into it, her head hidden in her arms, messy curls cascading down her back. Her sister had to have been in some type of trouble again, he knew how much she hated being alone when Ruby was dragged in for alcohol poisoning. Even if he'd been rude to her and they weren't exactly on speaking terms he wasn't about to let her sit alone too. He was the only one that knew about just how bad Ruby was, Vanessa couldn't tell Dan, she wouldn't tell Dan. That's when Nate felt it more than before, she was the one he leaned on and vice versa.

Getting closer to her he knew she was sound asleep, her gentle breathing still seemed rough and nervous. He was used to seeing her like that, in hospitals especially. It seemed almost like a monthly basis for Ruby. The thought of her being there all alone and dealing with Ruby all on her own made him feel guilty and for a moment his father was far from his mind. Just the way she always did things to him, he couldn't think of anyone else besides what she needed and what was good for her. His need to protect her was as great as ever as he watched over her, he felt like he needed to touch her to know that she was real. To know that he wasn't alone now and for her to know that she wasn't either, they needed one another.

"Vanessa"

He whispered softly reaching out to pull a strand of hair away from her face as he attempted to wake her up. She wasn't in a very heavy sleep since her head popped up right away and she blinked her sleepy eyes for a few seconds letting them adjust to who was in front of her. She couldn't have been fully awake as she lunged forward and buried her head in his shoulder.

"Shh, it's ok V, I've got you."

Soothing into her hair he held onto her tightly and rubbed her back as she started to cry. Vanessa never took Ruby's 'accidents' lightly but she only cried when she was really afraid. Normally he'd of been with her right from the start. He'd of been the one to hold her and sooth her into telling her that everything was alright. He held her close to him as they sat on the floor, him rocking her back and forth and whispering as she started to come out of her sleepy haze. She hated hospitals, as did he; they were quite a pair when it came to the sterile white walls.

"Where's Ruby V? What's going on with Ruby?"

Feeling her shutter at her sister's name Nate tightened his grip and she didn't complain she just held tighter to him. It's what he'd meant by being around when they needed one another, she wasn't quite awake and she was already hysterical, all of it got his mind off of his father for a while, just what he'd wanted. With her there it was possible, with her he could worry about her only and block everything out. When he was with Vanessa everything faded into the background, it was a feeling he forgot, a feeling he missed. It was like she was the model of carefree and comfort for him regardless of the situation, it was something he couldn't explain. Something he'd done his best to brush off till she was in his arms now.

"She wasn't breathing, she wasn't breathing and I didn't notice. I was too damn preoccupied"

Breathing in every inch of her coconut scent he didn't loosen his grip on her for even an inch, with everything swirling around him he needed her to breathe. His hand rubbed her back and she wrapped her arms around his neck, he was sure it was just because she needed someone there and couldn't care that it was him or if it had been a stranger.

"I've told you a million times that it's not your job to babysit her. V, you do everything that you can, more then you should have to. Sometimes you're too good to her Vanessa."

The doctor walking forward broke him from his thoughts yet he didn't bother to stand up to greet the doctor. It was the one from his father's room, he had a grim look on his face and it only made Nate lean his head on top of Vanessa's whatever the doctor had to say it couldn't be good. With a look like the one the doctor possessed the news he had with him couldn't have been good. With the fact of it all there was only one person he wanted with him, and she was there, right there for him to hold onto till it was all out in the open. No one else would have been the understanding or comfort he needed like she would have been. For her being there, he was grateful.

* * *

Unconscious and not breathing on the bathroom floor, Vanessa should have known something was up when she didn't hear gagging. She'd waited fifteen minutes before going to look for her only to find Ruby in a condition she couldn't revive her from. After a night of binge drinking and ingesting only god knew what else it wasn't too much of a surprise. Ruby had a habit of not paying real attention to what was going on around her. When she drank it was to have fun and play games. She wasn't the sensible sister that was normally left completely up to Vanessa. That's what had added to the pregnancy being even more of a disappointment in her eyes. It wasn't like Ruby would have ever pulled something so stupid. Maybe in that way Ruby had the right idea of things, she'd never have to be sacred to shitless that she'd messed up the entire night by falling for three little words that made up what Vanessa considered to be a very fake faze. The moment though belonged to Ruby, Ruby who was on the road to giving Vanessa a nervous breakdown. The ambulance had gotten there pretty quickly after they were called. Not easing Vanessa's nerves much.

She'd stayed beside the glass window only long enough to see them pump Ruby's stomach of all the toxins she'd put into it. Vanessa had assured the paramedics and doctors working on her sister that it wasn't a suicide attempt it was just Ruby being her normal twenty-one year old self. Then, she'd headed back over to the waiting area in attempt to calm her own blood pressure down a few notches. She could hear it in her ear that was just how much her heartbeat was racing. Her better judgment told her that she needed to calm down or she'd have more than just Ruby to worry about. So she'd wondered over to the waiting room and sat down in a chair closing her eyes. She hadn't meant to fall asleep, she hadn't even thought she was comfortable enough to fall asleep, she was just exhausted enough to fall asleep. Every day she was exhausted, living took too much out of her every day.

Then when she ever woke up in his arms she'd thought she was dreaming, dreaming a dream she'd wanted for as long as they'd been apart. Maybe not in the same circumstances but they were together, she could touch him and know that he was really there, her crave for him was just as bad as always. Turning from having her back to him she was torso to torso with him as she opened up her hazel eyes to find him finally asleep. Dried tears shown on his face as the early dawn light shown in the window and blazed down on the bed. She couldn't have cared what their last exchange of words had been prior to the night, she didn't care if Scott trusted her, nor did she care what Blair would think. The only thing she knew was that he had his arms around her; she'd been the one to wipe his tears. His whole life was shaken up and changed in a night and she'd been the one to care for him, to listen, just as she'd always done regardless of their relationship or lack there of.

Her leg was thrown around him, pressing herself as close to him as she could get and she didn't try to move. One of his hands rested on her hip and the other behind her head as she kept still and watched him. There were so many mornings where she'd watched him sleep, even now with the stained marks down his face she couldn't tear her eyes away from him. She'd never known the pain he'd know when he opened his eyes but she'd be there for him. She wasn't sure why exactly but the thought of it all made her slip her left hand between them to rest on her abdomen. It was the first time she'd done it while she was awake, there was something about him being there with his arms around her that made her brave enough to. At the same time she shuttered, it all felt way too real suddenly. His eyes blinking open so suddenly made it partly worse as she dropped her hand right away to her side and locked eyes with his perfect sapphire ones.

He had to have thought the same thing she had in the hospital before reality had set in. thought that they were back months ago when everything was ok and the madness hadn't set in. his eyes showed it, soon as he remember what had happened the night before his eyes showed the hurt and the pain. She had to bit her lip to avoid her increased hormones from filling her eyes with water. Instead she let him bend his forehead to lean on hers, grateful for the silence.

"I know that you don't want to, but, maybe you should try to call your mom again"

They'd been asleep for two hours, they'd only been at the apartment for two and a half. He'd carried her home, acting like she needed consoling over his own. She knew it was anything to escape the reality that he refused to let set in. she'd let him do it, whatever he needed to do. Ruby was in a medical induced coma till the toxins were out of her system completely and she'd be halfway decent to reason with. There wasn't anything else that she could do for Ruby. She'd had a long night with Ruby but, it wasn't anything like the night Nate had had worrying about his father. A father that had put him and Anne through hell only to find out that William Vanderbilt had been behind the whole thing. Now, the father that Nate fought with so much wouldn't ever get the chance to say another word to his son again. The captain was dead; a heart attack had claimed his life without any prior warning. Nate hadn't even gotten a chance to say goodbye from what she'd gathered. He'd mumbled and broken down to her and she'd stayed quiet and listened. Doing exactly what he'd wanted and not telling him it was all alright and it was all going to be ok.

"Yea"

Whispering Nate pulled his head back from Vanessa and stayed looking into her eyes, just barely avoiding the blaze that burned in both of their chests. It wasn't a time for fighting or reconciliation, it was a time for friendship, that's what he needed most. Yet, he never moved his arms from around her for more then a second to pull her favorite orange quilt around them both and she never protested. She left her leg thrown around him and slipped her left hand that had previously been resting on her stomach to the side of his face brushing the corner of his eye as she leaned her head into his chest. She was simply there to be his friend, maybe they could attempt that one.

* * *

rocklesson86 – glad you liked it! Chuck's under a lot of stress, at times he has no idea himself what he's saying. That broken heart Blair gave him is single handedly the worst thing he's ever gone through without liquor working. Of course he told Nate's secrets, Chuck can have a very big mouth when he wants to.

Izzy! :D – Nate can be such an ass, but with the way he's been acting lately it wouldn't surprise me for him to be so rude to her. After all he told her she was no better than Blair, ew

Yea, I really should have continued on with that chapter I didn't mean for it to come off like Cora told her and I'm hoping the little bit in this chapter cleared it up. I need to pre read before I post things! I'll remember that from now on. I half did it with this chapter. Vanessa likes to reliaze things and then keep them to herself.

Chuck is her new buddy, remember one of the things he most cares about is 'Nathaniel' and anything that has to do with Nate.

Jen – Chuck Bass will be around for a long while. Lol Chuck provides comic relief and bitter sweetness. Elle thinks it's her fishy, gotta remember she's one of Nate's biggest fans. She could be very important coming up. Maureen will be coming back, she's important, very important. I should have mentioned that, Chuck was invited threw the Vanderbilt's they assumed, that's why Nate was so annoyed with Blair.

Christinamarie712 – :D Chuck is Chuck, he cares about Nate and everything Nate cares about. He knows his best friend pretty well. Nate is coming up, knowing I mean… perhaps ;) Elle likes to talk to Vanessa about the fishy.

Francesca – it's getting closer, very much closer ;) can't wait till that part is up!

Alex!!! :D – first off when I saw the length of your comment I totally squeaked out loud! Because it excited me, more than excited me, and I've read it and re read it. I still am only ish with last chapter and I'm going to be that this chapter might have been a little bit better then the last, I'm hoping so anyways.

See, Chuck's turning into a sweetheart, sort of, it's scary in its self isn't it? Yea, I thought Nate needed a little bit more background maybe something that showed why he is so dumb and blind at times. Chuck just felt like he needed to even up the scores a little bit. Tell Vanessa something that she didn't know.

Don't you just want to ring Nate's neck, well, now I feel bad for him but I'm still frustrated qwith him and don't worry, V's not going to just melt into his arms always, but he's had it rough and she feels like she needs to be there for him. Nate's a pain and he thinks he's king of the world. See what happens when you mix Nate and the Vanderbilt's. it's an explosion of stupid. Just that simple.

Jess would make anything they handed her perfect, they just need to hand her more than they do! So not fair! I think I've watched both the Daughtry and the Matt White videos a million times lately. They really need to give her more than they do.

Seeeee I didn't mean for it to come off as though Cora right out told her, I should have explained it better and I touched it in this chapter and it will be more so in the next or the one after, I'm not sure which is going to turn out to be which just yet. Well, Cora thinks she needs to keep it, she's voiced that one. Scott is on the side of getting rid of it, going to college and making a real life for herself. Other things are coming up in a way that you might not expect. She'll have everything in front of her and everything thought through. ;)

let see, Chuck is coming back next chapter, with Dan now that I think about it. Jealous Nate is going to be around too, worse than he was with asshat perhaps? Nate needs to learn that he doesn't take precedence for everything though. Oh! One other thing that's coming up Nate and Ruby… I think, yea pretty sure there. Yay! I'm so happy that Nate was right on key, just what I was hoping for.

Blair, hmmm Blair, I have such an issue when it comes to writing Blair for some reason. Well actually I know why! Because I hate her! :D lol sorry, um, perhaps… I'll look at it all and attempt to decide what's going on with Blair. And I promise I will not throw her off of any cliffs.

hope you liked this chapter darling! :D can't wait for your next review!


	9. He's Not It

Author's Note:

thank you so much for your reviews everyone and I hope you liked this chapter. Please keep them coming, they make me want to write more. I made a major decision on this yesterday with the help of Alex of course, now, there's just another huge decision that I need to make and I think I have made it but I'm not sure if any of you will be very happy with it. We'll see.

Ok, it's summer and I'm a nutcase so listen to this one. If you've listened to the Katy Perry song :Waking Up In Vegas. For some reason all I can see is the two of them after not speaking being totally wasted at twenty-one and stumbling into one of the chapels. Maybe I'll make it a one-shot ;) we'll see. It's as bad as the other two ideas in my head. I'm crazy, it's a fact. :D I won't deny it.

Manda

* * *

It had been four days since the captain's untimely death and Ruby's accidental over dose. Four days that they'd been back on speaking terms. It was an unexpected turn of events, something that Blair was less then pleased about to say the least. But Nate found a comfort in Vanessa that he couldn't find in Blair. He also knew that when it came to Ruby being out of commission and not allowed to do much Vanessa was going to have a hard time keeping her in bed and away from the liquor cabinet. It was Nate's excuse to get as far away from the East Side as he could. Away from family members he wasn't exactly in the mood to deal with. Vanessa was his escape, taking care of her and Ruby would be exactly what he needed to get away for a while.

Nate didn't even bother to knock on the door as he twisted the knob and stepped into the apartment. The apartment was next to spotless which only meant one thing; Vanessa was nerved up about something. That was the time Vanessa cleaned the best, she put everything in perfect order just to get her mind off of things. Reaching down he picked up her keys off of the floor that had to have fallen off the desk. Giving her one less thing to do was the least thing he could do. Standing back up he saw her, sound asleep on the couch covered by just a fleece blanket, the blanket she always seemed to attach herself to. He took in the sight of her for a few moments. Taking quiet steps over to her he sat down on the side of the couch and pulled the blanket up around her better. As his hand brushed her back he smiled to himself, he still felt the zing of electricity. One he couldn't figure out why he didn't feel when he touched Blair. It wasn't the way things were supposed to be. He was supposed to feel it all with Blair, she was the one grandfather approved of. Family was important; holding onto family had been what his mother needed most. Not getting on his grandfather's bad side was also important; he's seen that one first hand with what William had done to his father. He had to stay with Blair, even if it was only comfortable. People lived with only comfortable all the time; he didn't need any more than that in life. Blair would be just fine. It would have been a lot easier if he hadn't ever met Vanessa. Who needed love though? Love only hurt people; it wasn't good for anything else. He reflected on the ways he and Vanessa had already hurt one another after a tryst with love. Yet Nate couldn't resist himself anyway as he leaned down and pressed his lips to the back of Vanessa's head.

The small connection of his lips to her made him want more, made him remember just what it felt like every time they touched. The electricity, the passion, the adoration and belief in love, everything had once been there. It was a good thing she was laying on her stomach, he wasn't able to kiss her perfect lips. There wasn't a way for him to get carried away and wake her up with the way she was asleep now. Memories flashed threw his mind of waking her up in the mornings or of waking up beside her in the mornings. Unlike Blair she wasn't ever afraid of him looking at her with no makeup or frizzy hair. That was one of Nate's favorite things about her, Vanessa was completely real and she didn't try to hide it. She didn't hide anything from him. The only person who told him the truth was the one person he'd dismissed to the curb without a second thought. If you really loved someone there were sacrifices that needed to be made, letting a person go was one of them. If things would be better in the long run it was what he'd had to do. So he'd decided that letting her go was for the best, turning back into his old self was the only way to protect her from the family. Blair was already the Stepford wife type that would have fit in just fine.

Listening to her even breathing as he sat with his hand on her back he watched her sleep and listened to her heart beating even beats, the beats that at one point in time he used to fall asleep at night. He could have stayed lost in listening to her all day long if he hadn't come there for other reasons other than checking up on Vanessa. Bending down again he rested his cheek against the back of her head for a moment longer before standing up to leave the living room. There was only one bedroom in the small apartment so it wasn't all that hard to find the one he was actually looking for. He'd easily take the shared responsibility of taking care of Ruby so that Vanessa didn't have to do everything herself. Nate knew very well that Ruby wouldn't be one to listen to doctor's orders so easily. She'd be up and driving Vanessa crazy soon as she could stand up on her own two feet.

Soon as he got into the doorway of the bedroom a little thing wound around his ankles purring up a storm as it did so. That had to have been an addition brought on by Ruby, Vanessa wasn't crazy about cats. She'd of been a puppy person had animals even been allowed in the apartment as it was. Bending down in the doorway he pet the small thing that purred louder liking the attention and who it was being given by. It wasn't only people that fell all over him. Everything with a half of brain liked Nate without a question, till he doubled crossed them of course.

"Well pretty boy, why are you here? I know I didn't knock my head out that bad. They pumped my stomach not my brain. Why is my sister hanging around with the shitty looks of you again? She doesn't need whatever your paying her."

Everyone liked Nate other then Ruby that was. Their personalities clashed like night and day and it was something nether of them would ever get over. They were far too different for their own goods. Yet they had one thing in common, one thing it seemed neither one admitted very often or very freely, they both loved Vanessa. Most of the time at least, when they both weren't being to full of themselves to admit it, which was depending on days and moods when it came to the two, poor Vanessa was the one person hurt by it.

"Nice to see you too Ruby"

He leaned against the door frame with his arms crossed across his blue shirt that showed the sapphire in his eyes. Something she wouldn't notice, of course Nate's charms didn't work on her.

"I'm here because your sister needs sleep, you've drained her of energy Ruby. She does everything she possibly can to keep you alive, you're all she really has Ruby. You mean everything to her and she can't handle it anymore. I've never seen Vanessa seem so run down."

Picking up a cigarette from beside her Ruby lit it and blew the smoke at the ceiling above her as Nate watched on and lectured from the doorway. Of course he wasn't going to get through to her, why he was even trying was beyond him. Nate never was the one to exactly have all the brain cells he should have had. At times even he knew it.

"All I've done to her to make her run down? Buddy, if anyone needs to look in the mirror here it's you. My sister is a total mess, tired, sick, and it's all because of you. You know, she got into NYU Nate, she got in and she's considering not going because she still has your mess to clean up. You knoc…"

Nether one of them had even heard Vanessa till she was already in the room standing between the two of them glaring at Ruby. Nate stood back confused and stunned, he'd deserved all of Ruby's yelling, why Vanessa had stopped her he wasn't all that sure.

"You have no right"

She raised her sleep filled voice her eyes still locked with her sister's, her hands still on her hips as she attempted to calm herself. Nate hadn't ever seen her so in raged before. He took a step forward placing both of his hands on her torso in attempt to calm her down like he'd done so many times in the past. It only made her clam up more he noticed and right away dropped his hands back to his side as she spun around then to look at him, the same cold glare still in her eye.

"And you! Why the hell are you even here?"

Her voice was still and cold he noticed as he took a step back away from her. He didn't really have an explination for it since they both knew that she wouldn't have handled him checking up on her very well. She didn't like to be babysat, anyone who knew Vanessa knew that. But he had to see her, she made him relax and that's what he'd needed. He'd needed her to make him feel better.

"You can't just come here whenever you feel like it anymore Nate, you lost that one. I don't need anyone checking up on me. I'm fine. The both of you just need to lay off."

Ruby clearing her throat made them both snap out of the locked eyes they had as Ruby's cigarette smoke finally filled Vanessa's lungs and she coughed once and covered her mouth. How many times did she have to lecture her sister on the matter, she gave up, that was it, she was doomed. She shook her head at Ruby and Ruby shrugged her shoulders.

"Then you two get out of my room"

As she said it Vanessa had no doubt in the matter that Ruby's words didn't pertain to Nate leaving the room. It wasn't like the cigarette would have any effect on him. Vanessa sneered at Ruby as she grabbed Nate's hand to drag him out of the room. Soon as they were out of the room Nate had somehow spun it so that her back was pressed up against the wall and his arms were against the wall on either side of her head. With him as close as he was she almost had trouble breathing, she'd missed it. Even sleeping in the same bed as him the other night hadn't felt quite like this had. his body almost pressed right up against her made her thing of the night with the black mask when he'd pinned her up against the door only to slowly slip the black trench coat from her body and… she was losing control of thoughts as his perfect blue eyes looked at her. Everything was forgotten as he leaned in to her, she could feel his warm breath on her neck as her eyes involuntarily shut.

"Why didn't you tell me you got in?"

The door to the apartment shutting in back of him made her eyes snap open and in a reflex she put both hands against his chest and pushed him away from her before even seeing who'd walked in the door. What she hadn't noticed till after he was back from her was that devil cat was right beside her ankle and decided to take more anger and aggression out on her as it lifted its paw and once again slashed her. The cat taking things out on her was something she was beginning to get used to. she made a note not to wear pajama shorts around it anymore. She didn't even flinch this time. What did make her flinch was Scott's voice as soon as he opened his mouth.

"What's going on in here?"

He eyed her as he looked back and forth between Nate and Vanessa. Vanessa bit her lip and closed her eyes shaking her head. All she wanted to do was go back to sleep and not deal with anyone. It sounded so tempting.

"Nothing, Nate was just leaving"

Vanessa ran a hand through her hair as Scott walked over to her and kissed her, she could taste the spite in his kiss as he did so and it made her anger build up more as she pulled away only to see Nate's hurt expression and it made her hurt worse. Biting her tongue to get the anger to go away she looked at Scott expressionless for a second before glancing at Nate only to find his back already turned to her.

"I'll um… just, please come to my father's funeral. I kind of need you there"

Nate said dejectedly as he shut the door behind him. Vanessa felt the tears involuntarily build up as she refused to look at Scott and turned to the bathroom rushing in and slamming the door behind her not faltering to lock it behind her. She rushed to the shower and turned on the water needed the sound of it hitting down on the cold tile to calm her. Why did everything have to be so hard.

* * *

She refused to pick up his calls, he'd been trying to get in touch with her all day and he'd gotten nothing yet. She hadn't been herself in a few days, sleeping constantly and not picking up the phone for anything. he'd even resorted to calling Scott to see if maybe he was with her and they were just to preoccupied to pick up the phone. That had turned up a negative as well. The only thing that had resulted in was Scott coming to his apartment and playing video games with Jenny, just one more thing that Dan had to worry about. The last thing he needed was Vanessa and Jenny to fight over another guy. One had been more then plenty to last one life time. It just meant that Dan would have to keep an eye on Scott a little closer, if he seemed to be eyeing Jenny at all Dan would have to put a stop to him being in the city, yea, as if that would have ever happened. All of that was secondary, secondary to finding out what the hell was going on with his best friend. She hadn't been herself in months. She hadn't been herself since Nate had put an end to things. It wasn't his Vanessa to fall to pieces when a guy bailed on her. He was next to positive she hadn't done this to herself when they'd faltered in their almost relationship.

The subway had been a short ride over, less crowded in the afternoon then it usually was. Dan wasn't about to complain about it, he liked the peace and quiet. With prom coming up in just a few weeks he had a lot to think about, taking Serena as a friend was just a starter. The fact that he'd declined from Yale and was going to go to NYU was another bit, and his father's newest depression over his and Lilly's relationship was the last. The later one was the one he'd liked to have thought about the least. It was awkward to know that he'd lost his own virginity to his could have been step sister, whom he'd nearly shared a sibling with. All of that was more than unmoral and Dan was lucky he didn't need any type of therapy for it. The harder he thought about the more he thought that maybe a shrink really wouldn't have been all that bad of an idea. Then again he'd probably make them retire with all of his issues. The life of Daniel Humphrey was not the most easy life of all.

His foot hitting the pavement of the sidewalk made him look up to her apartment building. He began to think of what it all would have been like if she hadn't come back to the city. He would have had next to no one to confined in. pouting to himself the slam of a car door made him turn his head out of curiosity. Seeing the black shiny limo beside him was what made him stop. He couldn't think of anyone who would have been in Brooklyn in front of Vanessa's apartment with a limo, unless Blair was harassing her for some unknown reason. When the driver shut the door behind the passenger that had been riding in it Dan felt the confusion and slight anger flair to his face. Why the hell Chuck Bass would have been visiting Vanessa was beyond him. Vanessa couldn't and wouldn't have done all the way over to the dark side. She wasn't the type of person to do that. On the other hand, that would have been a good enough reason for her not speaking to him. He would have given her a bad time and he wouldn't have denied that for a single second.

"Humphrey take a photo, it would last longer than the stupid look on your face. I don't want to know any of the sick fantasies in your head. I'm really not interested in that."

Dan sneered at Chuck's slimy sounding voice as he folded his arms and glared at him. Chuck hated it when Dan was anywhere the Upper East Side so Dan had every right to do the same when it came to Brooklyn. Not to mention it seemed like his best friend needed to be saved before she made any further mistakes from anyone from the other side. Namely Chuck who's off again on with Blair could have close to have gotten Vanessa killed if she tried to come between that messed up relationship. He wasn't about to sit around and allow his best friend to self-destruct anymore then she already seemed to be doing.

"What do you think you're doing? Vanessa doesn't need you interfering in her life. She's not one of your games Chuck, just go back to wherever you came from and leave her alone. She doesn't need anyone else playing games with her, it's been more than enough lately."

Looking like they were squaring off on the sidewalk Chuck looked at Dan amused, he wasn't there to play games either. He was just there to… check on her. He wasn't sure why but knowing what he knew he felt responsible for her in a way, Chuck Bass never really felt responsible for anyone. But with the way both Nate and Blair were acting lately he knew that someone needed to look out for Vanessa. He hated the thought of caring about anyone still though, he'd just have to act like an ass and hide it from her.

"Don't worry Humphrey I'm just dropping by some stuff for them, they can't live off of Chicken soup, that's not going to get anyone anywhere now is it?"

Giving Chuck a look that said what the hell he began to turn away from him and head to the door of Vanessa's apartment. The last thing he wanted to see was his best friend break anymore at the hand of a UESer. She'd had more then enough, even two months after her breakup with Nate she still wasn't herself and it wasn't something Dan could even begin to figure out why.

"She and Ruby don't need your charity, Vanessa does just fine on her own. She doesn't need anything you're trying to give her Chuck, so why don't you just leave now"

Chuck was still finding it all amusing as he let out another light cackle, it only infuriated Dan more as they both stood there, Dan's hand on the buzzer.

"Oh Daniel, I didn't mean Ruby, though I wouldn't mind sitting in with her and her girlfriend. Now that you mention it I wonder how much it would cost to add one more into their bed for a night, after they're tested of course. No, what I was talking about was Vanessa and that Child she's carrying. If Nate's not around to step up someone needs to."

He watched as Dan's mouth fell open in shock and he knew that Vanessa wasn't going to be happy with him but in his mind he knew that she needed someone else to watch out for her and once the shock wore off of Dan's face he'd of been just the person to do it. The best friend was one of the people that knew you better then anyone else. At least in his opinion that was true. Even if Humphrey was, well, Humphrey he was still one of the best people to take care of Vanessa no matter how stubborn she was.

"Pregnant? Vanessa… pr...No"

Dan hesitated, his best friend would have told him, she didn't keep secrets that big from him, she wouldn't have, and she couldn't have. But she was, all the signs showed it. He couldn't figure out why he hadn't seen it before. He was suddenly furious with her, he was supposed to be the person she could confine in and she was using people like Chuck. Dan clenched his fists and turned away, all of it was not something he was about to deal with right now.

"Cool off, but, she needs you Dan"

He heard Chuck call behind him as he walked away as fast as he could just waiting for his explosion of rage.

* * *

Even before he'd opened the door to his room he'd known half of what to expect. When Jane wouldn't even look at him he'd known exactly what that meant. Not that he could blame her, she'd gone from hearing 'Jane come on, don't you have a life outside of these walls? Go out and have some fun… the Archibald in the house is man enough to take care of himself' to hearing 'whatever your name is, we need champagne and lunch, sushi is preferred, and hurry up on it'. Had Nate been in the position Jane was in he was sure he'd of felt the same way. The way things were would stand, Blair loved him, he'd just have to remember that every time he felt like he needed to touch Vanessa to feel the electricity. All Nate needed to do was to keep reminding himself that he and Blair were all that they needed to be. He'd learn that he loved her just as much as he could love Vanessa. it was what was best for everyone involved. That's just what he had to tell himself. He told himself that and took another breath before putting his thoughts back together as he twisted the door handle to his bedroom and pushed it open waiting for her condolences and worries over his father's death, things that he really didn't want to have to deal with but knew he would have to.

"Well Nate, it's about time. Where have you been? Out with Tripp? Or maybe picking up things for your mother? How about with Chuck for the day, what's your story this time? I'm sure it'll be a good one, just like it always is."

Her eyes narrowed at him as his usually confused look spread across his face as he looked back at her and shut the door behind him. Angry Blair wasn't what he felt like dealing with, she wasn't ever the least bit suddle when she wasn't happy. He should have expected it coming sometime lately, at least it was better than her asking him how he was feeling and coping every fifteen seconds. That much was at least relieving to him.

"If there's one thing I've learned it's that I will never wear one of your school sport sweatshirts. Picture that gossip girl snapped she looks like she's gained a little bit of weight since your breakup. You really did a job on her didn't you Nate"

Nate clenched his jaw reminding himself of the rules, whatever Blair said was right. The risk of pissing her off was more then he felt like dealing with. He'd had enough to put up with lately; he really didn't feel like putting up with Blair's complaining. Had he been smarter he would have just stayed the day in Williamsburg with Vanessa. He could have found a way to drive her into letting him keep her company and take care of Ruby. Even if they were working on being friends Nate was sure he could still get Vanessa to cave if he wanted to, even without a persuasion of kisses that he'd of used in the past.

"Are you even hearing a thing I'm saying?"

Blair barked out at him and he realized that he'd zoned out and gotten lost in his thoughts. He was defiantly in for hell for the night. It wasn't exactly the way he wanted to spend the night before his father's funeral. He'd of much rather been alone to go to sleep and escape for a while. Taken some time to himself to forget his life. It would have been time without the pressures of family or how much he disappointed people.

"Can we please just not do this tonight Blair? I believe there are still preparations for my father's funeral to go over with my mother. Can our fight over whatever it's about this time wait till after the memorial tomorrow?"

He made a weak attempt to pleas as he walked past her to his draws in attempt to find something cooler to change into, maybe even a little bit of the rolled pot that had sat in his draw for months now. anything to get rid of Blair's complaining voice, his father's death, and the guy who'd kissed Vanessa. for someone who supposedly had life so simple things seemed to be pretty damn complicated. He couldn't think of anything he wouldn't have given to have been still beside Vanessa away from the craziness of the East Side.

"The pictures were all over Gossip girl Nate. Vanessa was with you the other night when your father died. You took her home! You know you could have called me! Not made a fool out of me by parading around with some low rent whore."

Nate slammed his draw shut causing them both to jump at the sound. Blair hadn't expected his anger and Nate hadn't expected it to be that loud. Nate had had a bad enough day and Blair's words were just adding icing to the cake. He couldn't contain his anger he'd held in enough. Had he been on speaking terms it would have been a night to get wasted out of his mind with Chuck. With Blair and the whole apartment thing they weren't exactly friends currently.

"This really isn't worth it. You know what Blair, this isn't working and I can't do this. It's not fair to you or myself. I just don't think we should be trying this."

As he said it he watched the angry fire burn in Blair's eyes. They both weren't into it, they shouldn't have even been surprised on the matters that were it hand. As much as they pretended to be neither one of them were into the relationship like they should have been, they couldn't just fake it anymore.

"What are you sa…"

Blair started to protest as Nate's bedroom door opened and Anne stood there not quite red eyed but more ready for business then anything else.

"Blair! Sweetheart it's great to see you. Are you staying with us tonight? I'm sure Nate will really appreciate it as would myself. You know, there's still room in the limo wit us tomorrow. My father said it would be a great idea if you'd take it with us."

Anne's smile made Nate sneer, there they were trying to put their relationship to an end and his family was interfering and trying to make him do what they wanted. Of course Nate was going to go along with it. He didn't have much else of a choice. No one wanted to make Anne feel any worse not that anyone could tell that she felt bad to begin with. Nate just didn't feel like dealing with any lectures from her.

* * *

Izzy! – Good I'm glad it makes it better. That's what I'd been aiming for in the beginning I had just forgotten to incorporate it. And I love what you said about kids repeating the things that adults say and do because Elle is the type to say what's on her mind. You'll see that even more so next chapter.

Yea, I think it was a between the line incorporation, nothing very important. Scott's not one I really care about. Lol he's just a stepping stone in my opinion. But he's a big part I guess I'll have to say.

Ruby's a pain in the butt, and she might not say it or show it but she loves her sister… I think at least. She's reckless and in trouble, more trouble than anyone knows. Vanessa might get caught in the cross fire. Poor Nate is finally getting what he deserves after the way he's treated Vanessa. as much as I hate to say it.

Blair… akfhakfja sorry, I just have a hard time when it comes to her. She drives me up the walls.

Lol well then, crack addicts shall get what they need by the end of the week. I worked on it yesterday!

Christinamarie712 – maybe she is maybe she isn't o.O Vanessa's due date is in December, well, saying that she's decided on having the baby. Natie's sad, but, he needed something to make him himself again. Well now that Vanessa's in a relationship with Scott and Nate's still with Blair, or sorta I don't know how well a relationship will work. Scott's not a big fan of Nate… and well, Nate has anger management issues.

Jen – Nate needed a part in it as well, since, he does play a major factor in Vanessa's life even if he doesn't know it just yet. Nate needs to shape up. I'm not really Blair's biggest fan so I'm sorry if she's at a minimum she's just not one of the greatest to me.

Ok darling here goes, Alex- the beginning of your review is so sweet, thank you so much! Screen writing is what I plan on doing but the novel is something that if I could get my mind to be only centered on it it would be done by now. I'm too stubborn for that and I like doing this more then writing it. Empathy is a very strong emotion, maybe now I need to work on some of the others. Hmm

Lol as for your dream, that had to have been amusing :P sorry about that one.

When I started I liked Scott, I really genuinely liked the idea of Scott and him himself. But, with Nate back Scott annoys me. I guess it's just far too easy for me to fall in love with Nate when he's not being an ass. Scott just has a hard time, knowing what we know on who Scott is he doesn't think the child should be born if it's not really wanted. But that all will come out and everyone will see exactly why.

Yes! CV was easy because they didn't have feelings attached, they were simple and they were both an escape. With Scott she's supposed to be developing feelings and she's not sure she's ready to. she's not over Nate, and hell, she's carrying his child. it's not going to be that easy for her to switch it all off. Besides, Nate isn't going to like Scott very much regardless of who he is.

That's because there's so much NV that happened that they negelected to show us. You know, just like how I think that Anne first met Vanessa coming out of her son's bathroom wrapped in a towel after a shower. ;) Anne's not going to forget that one. But it's true, he's even said that he can breathe around her so it was needed, he loves her he's just stubborn. Yet when he's second in something he hates it. Let's just hope baby's not like him.

The haters know nothing, they're just pains. She's more passionate about things then most and that's what makes her real. No one wants to think of that for some reason, who knows what it is. I can see Nate sitting with V at the hospital after Ruby's been admitted for alcohol poising monthly. Nate's gonna wake up one of these days and remember that it's Vanessa he loves and he really screwed her over.

Yay! Finally a way to redeem Nate and make him our lovable Fitz again. I'm working at it and it's going to take some time. They're friends but there's the temptation of passion there that's hard for anyone to let go of, maybe they'll be able to handle it and maybe they won't and for Nate and the baby… I'll tell you that it's coming up… very very very soon. Someone else finding out also, someone that might not be a very pleasant thing.

V&N as friends is a trial thing, we'll see how long that works for. Scott has secrets that V's going to be a little bit upset about. B, well, she's B… of course she wasn't very happy with it. She wants to be with Chuck anyway. V on the other hand, we'll see if she's even speaking to chuck after this.

and as I've said a million times I love your reviews, everyone's reviews, responding to them gives me more ideas. Just like the one that popped into my head randomly this morning, poor poor V.

so next chapter is a big big chapter, but that's all I'll tell you.

Love, me

THank you everyone! remember to leave your reviews!


	10. The Memory Game

Author's Note: you know, sometimes I write Anne where I love her to death (YOB) and other times I hate her.

(:

~Manda

* * *

The grounds of the Vanderbilt compound were covered in white roses and lilies. For someone who'd already been running a fever earlier in the morning and had forgotten to take their allergy meds her surroundings were a nightmare of stuffy noses, sneezing, and coughing. All she wanted to do was go home, to walk home, so that she could halfway breath. She couldn't though, it seemed like he constantly had his eyes on her, draining energy from her to take his own steps and deal with the family around him. Being as masochistic as she was Vanessa stayed put; she didn't leave the memorial ceremony after the captain's funeral. She'd said her condolences to Anne who only looked at her as if she were trying to figure something out. Vanessa was used to that from her by now. Chuck had taken her with him in the limo to the funeral, refusing to let her leave just yet. She should have known he'd had something up his sleeve.

They'd stood next to a cherry blossom bush a little out of the way and she'd watched Nate kneel down beside a grave, a single pink rose in hand. She knew just by the way his shoulders were slumped his eyes had to have been glossy. There was only one person the grave could have belonged to and Chuck only nodded as the thoughts formed in her head. Ruth Margret Archibald, the baby sister he would have been far too protective of. Watching his actions Vanessa had only wanted to go over to him and put her arms around him. But she restrained herself, it wasn't her place, and she had a boyfriend waiting for her back in Brooklyn now. What they'd had she was fighting to push into the past rather then re living it in regret. They weren't who they were when they'd started regardless of the ties that kept her to him.

It was a good thing allergies covered the tears in her eyes as she leaned her head against her hand and sniffed. Maybe she could have just skipped out the back door and he wouldn't have noticed, all she needed to do was find a way to call Scott, he would have met her somewhere for a while. Then again he would have pressured her to think about her options more and to Vanessa her mind was made up. A fact she hadn't yet shared with anyone other than herself and the slow forming bump that had made her favorite pair of jeans a little snug.

"Figured you might need this, and, by your red rimmed eyes it looks like I might just have been right."

She hadn't noticed him come in in the first place but when she looked back up in the mirror to look at him there he was standing right in back of her, one hand on her hip and the other outstretched with one of the things she'd needed most currently.

"Claritin? How did you remember?"

Taking the allergy meds out of his hand she popped the pill in her mouth and leaned over to get water from the sink as he held her hair back. It was something so natural and normal for them they didn't think anything of it. He'd always been sweet with her, sweet like candy. she stood back up and he let go of her hair letting the curls fall messy to her shoulders.

"Think of who you're talking to V"

They both smiled as she nodded her head he always remembered the little things when it came to her. Her allergies were one of the many things he was always on top of, he knew how rarely she ever remembered to take her meds and how often she could have used them.

"You know, this is the second time you're handing me drugs in a bathroom"

He laughed for a moment at her sentence but turned remorseful on it soon as he thought of exactly what she was getting at as he looked her in the eyes. At least this time they were on speaking terms. Nate smiled at her regretfully as she shrugged her shoulders, her way of telling him it was all whatever. The past was done and it was time to move on from it now.

"Least it's not for a hang over this time"

Vanessa closed her eyes for a second and he figured it was just regret, she was the only one to know that it was more than that. Part of her wanted to blurt out to him that they weren't the only two in the room. Part of her just wanted to blurt it out to him first that she was carrying their child, and she couldn't do anything about it, she wasn't strong enough to have an abortion. The connection that had started was something that for the life of her she couldn't figure out how to break. She wanted to see the reaction on his face whether it was regret or anger, she just didn't want to be the only one of them that knew anymore. Vanessa kept her mouth shut though, she couldn't make his day any more complicated than it already was. He had enough on his mind to worry about without her adding another thing to it.

"I have to get back out there. But later, think you might want to take Cora's kids and go to the playground for a while? It's supposed to rain later, monkey bars in the pouring rain can bring a smile to your face as they always do."

He leaned in to kiss the side of her head and her eyes closed yet again as her mind went to all of the memories the two of them bad consisting of the pouring rain and that park. Rain always seemed to change Vanessa's mood and make her relax a little bit more, one of the ways she was completely different from anyone on the East Side. She couldn't tell him that she was supposed to have plans with Scott, he'd had a long enough day and she didn't plan on adding anymore grief to his thoughts. Besides, if she humored Elle some more there wouldn't have been a chance for her to tell anything about what she thought of as her 'pet fishy'. She'd just have to come up with some way to lie to Scott, telling him she was hanging out with Nate wouldn't have been the best of ideas. She stood in silence as she watched him walk out the door back into the gathering of people.

"Hangover? Good, that must mean you don't plan on continuing this."

With the voice in back of her Vanessa's neck snapped straight to the direction it was coming from. Anne Archibald stood looking at her with her arms crossed, bun far too tight in her hair, indignant look across her face. The woman was one Vanessa hadn't ever cared so much to deal with. Anyone who could have used her son to brush up her own life wasn't someone who had to have to many ideals of family to begin with. Then again no 'parent' Vanessa was ever around really knew what they were doing, even Rufus wasn't perfect. There was just something about Anne that made Vanessa defensive, maybe it had something to do with how she'd met her for the first time. The two hadn't gotten a very good first impression of one another.

Being asked how much her son had paid for her services was uncomfortable on Vanessa's part, but, it could have had something to do with the fact that she'd been laying across his bed fresh out of the shower in a white towel waiting for him to finish up. Vanessa could have killed him for forgetting to lock his bedroom door. Even if he thought this mother was away for the week he still could have locked the door. That was back in January, they'd had several run ins since. All of them seemed to be just as uncomfortable.

"Excuse me?"

Vanessa felt like she was on trial for something with the way that Anne was sizing her up, it was something she did her best to pay no attention to. She wasn't intimidated and she didn't try to level up to her like Blair would have. If Anne didn't like her Anne would just have to get over it, Vanessa didn't have the time to worry about Nate's mother too.

"Don't play stupid Vanessa; I've watched you at Tripp's wedding and here at my husband's funeral. You have a hand that doesn't stray far from your abdomen when my son isn't near you and he looks distressed. You do it all the time in your subconscious. Then, you have this bump in your stomach that is just starting to show. You can still get away without the world knowing. Thank god, because what you're going to do next is you're going to get rid of it before my son or anyone else finds out a word of it."

If she hadn't been feeling well before her world suddenly felt like it was on full spin, all thanks to Anne of course, none of it was something Vanessa had expected. It took her several minutes to process everything Anne had said before she grew completely defensive. Of course she didn't like the woman before her but, more than that she had no right to attempt to tell Vanessa what do. No one did, she was tired of people trying to. Vanessa hated being told what to do and she was never one to actually listen to people. She'd been on her own taking care of her sister for far too long without having anyone to tell her what to do.

"Know what Anne, last time I checked whatever was going on inside of my body was none of your business."

After Anne's words part of Vanessa wanted Nate to walk back in and hear their fight, that would have been purely out of spite, a Blair move that she wasn't about to think of. She'd done enough that reminded his of Blair she wasn't about to cause another one. It was a conversation she'd rather of just caused between the two of them rather than him finding out with his demanding mother standing there dictating. Knowing Nate he'd listed to whatever his mother wanted and Vanessa wasn't sure a fight with him was something she could have handled.

"When you're trying to trap my son it becomes my business Vanessa"

Her stare was still solid and she wasn't backing down from her accusations as Vanessa looked up to the ceiling and away from her. Heartless, just plain heartless not that Vanessa had expected anything less from her, she was Anne Archibald after all, there wasn't any making her soft.

"Trap him? Yea, because I planned on this happening and he had no part in any of it."

That's what she'd figured; it would all be painted out to be her fault. She was the one with less money; she didn't have half of what they had. She'd be looked at like she was the tramp looking to score. That was the last thing Vanessa was looking for, she didn't even want his help to really think of. She didn't even have a plan yet but, she knew that none of keeping the baby meant she wanted a hold over him.

"Regardless of what part my son may have had in any of it, you're the only one that can end it and you need to end it Vanessa. This pregnancy is not something that you should be continuing with if you know what's good for you."

Vanessa laughed at it all, what else was she supposed to do. Her ex boyfriend's mother was standing in front of her threatening her. It proved to her exactly why she didn't want to be part of that life. She didn't want anyone else to be part of that, maybe she'd been wrong in her decisions. Adding to that family was probably one of the biggest mistakes she could make. But it still didn't stand in the way of her thinking not only about herself but about the baby at hand, and Nate also. Her mind wasn't about to faultier on her decisions, she'd tried to end it but it just didn't work.

"You can't tell me what I can and cannot do about my baby. I never said that I wanted even a second of Nate's help with any of it. I'm the one who decided to continue with this pregnancy and I don't need his help or yours. So you need to leave me alone and get out of my way. I'm doing what I want and I don't need your opinion on any of it."

All Vanessa wanted was to get out of the small bathroom, as she stood there with Anne it felt like it was getting even smaller. Finding it harder to breath she reached her hand out for the door to escape into the hallway and leave. Maybe calling Scott wasn't such a bad idea, part of her would have more preferred Chuck but it wasn't like he'd of even touched her since she'd told him. Something about respect for Nate, she wasn't used to Chuck being a friend, it was… different.

"You keep this pregnancy and Nate and I will lose everything. Do you really want to be the reason his entire life goes down the drain. I love my son, but, he's not domestic material. He'll never be able to handle a job or raising a child. My father will make sure he has nothing left and you'll be the reason for it all. Then, eventually he'll resent you for it all and you'll be left with a child you can't pay for and his life will be completely destroyed. Is that what you really want Vanessa? To be responsible for Nate losing everything? How will you feel when you're both broke and alone and the child is the one suffering. That's something you need to think about. Love doesn't cut it, love fades. Do you really want to learn that the hard way? When you have a little child stuck in the middle of it all. Your all better off pretending this never happened and this pregnancy isn't real. Do it Vanessa, save yourself and just have the abortion. Then this whole mess will be nothing but the past."

With every word that dropped from Anne's mouth Vanessa felt more vulnerable. Everything she said was true whether Vanessa wanted it to be or not. She wasn't doing the right thing, she was only thinking about herself again. Being pregnant for as long as she had been already was a mistake and she should have followed along with her first instinct. Then she wouldn't have felt like she needed it as bad as she did. She needed to get out of the party before she broke completely. She wasn't used to this, she was the strong one. Vanessa felt so conflicted and hurt all she wanted to do was find air to breath. She didn't look back at Anne for a single second as she rushed through the bathroom door and headed straight for a door.

* * *

The garden around him was sprawling with beautiful hand planted flowers from years past. His grandmother had dedicated every second of her spare time to it much to the displeasure of his grandfather. His grandfather had always despised the garden, it was amazing it still existed. Purple lilacs, pink roses, and Chinese azaleas, they were three of the flowers Nate knew he'd always know the scent of. They were the flowers his grandmother hand always liked the best. He had fond memories of his grandmother before she'd lost her life to the cancer she'd been the one to instill all the food he knew on him and, he was sure that the past few weeks he'd done her wrong.

There was one thing Nate knew for sure, that had Margret still been alive he would have been just fine with dooming Vanessa's life to being surrounded by the Vanderbilt's. Grandma Margie would have loved Vanessa. Her wit, her spunk, her ambition, everything about her would have been matters she would have approved of. Margie Livingston- Vanderbilt wasn't like the rest, she stood up for the things she was passionate about. That included Archer Joseph Fitzwilliam. The man Nate was sure was his real maternal grandfather. It was yet another thing Nate wouldn't ever know, Archer hand been killed shortly after Nate's mother's birth. For some reason a hit and run accident seemed a little suspicious for its timeline of events.

Nate smirked to himself thinking of how his grandfather deserved it after all the things he did. he'd done so much more that Nate wasn't even aware of. The only thing Nate really knew was that he needed to stop letting him interfere in his life. Nate needed to be like his Grandma Margie and stand up for himself. Which included separating from Blair, if he wanted to keep any aspect of that friendship or his friendship with Chuck he needed to stop his family games and do what he knew was best, he needed his own heart to be with the one he loved.

"Nathaniel, I thought I might find you out here. you always did have a thing for seeing to it that I took care of your grandmother's things. Not that I still understand why."

He'd heard his grandfather's footsteps coming closer but he hadn't really expected him to come all the way over to him. He'd hoped that William would have just walked by and gone to bother someone else for a while. Rather than feeding to Nate's increasing gut feeling that he needed to be honest with everyone. His father's funeral wasn't the place to do it all, Anne would show herself being far more torn up then she really would have been, and it would have been only after the fact that it meant that Anne would have just had one more thing to cover up.

"Grandfather, I was just getting some air"

Turning to face his grandfather he gave him a slight nod he felt him put a hand on his shoulder, Grandfather's fake way of encouragement. He gave his grandfather a half lit smile and looked away from him into the cloudy sunlight of the day. Why he'd gotten messed up back into the family he wasn't sure, Vanessa had trusted him to do it with caution and look where it'd gotten him. Back in the spot he'd been in the first place. Trapped into that world, following rules and directions that was written out before he had a single say in any of it. That's not what he'd wanted and he couldn't figure out how he'd let himself fall back into it. Where was his independence? Great, wonderful, he'd been accepted to Colombia on his own. What about the letter from USC that sat still unopened in his pocket? He'd let that dream go just to follow his mother's rules.

"I'm proud of you for the way you've handled this, acted like the man was an actual father to you. I just wanted to let you know that his assets have now been unfrozen and anything that was taken away has how been added straight to your account. It should be more than enough to cover Yale and live your normal life before your trust funds and things set in when you're twenty-one."

Nate bit the inside of his cheek as he looked dumbfounded at his grandfather. Here, at his own father's funeral William was making it all a business transaction and talking money. His own daughter's husband was dead and he couldn't have cared any less about her ordeals. What kind of parent did that? Nate held in a frustrated sigh and nodded his head for the show's sake. He knew quite well that it would be the only way that his grandfather would leave him alone.

"What do you say we head up to Yale tomorrow and take a look with the grounds? Maybe a dinner with the president? It would be a very smart education choice on your part Nathaniel."

He'd declared himself going to Colombia, what's that enough for the family? Of course not. Not really caring what Grandfather had said he nodded his head he couldn't disappoint today of all days, who knew what William would have done.

"Good, a car will pick you up in the morning. If Tripp weren't still away on his honeymoon I'd take him with us too, you boys should have more bonding time, better than the rest of these hooligans you hang around with in the city. I'm sure next year you'll make some really worth wile friends. Friends who aren't sons of Bart Bass for starters."

With one final clap to Nate's shoulder Grandfather pulled out his cell phone no doubt to arrange those plans as Nate put his head in his hands. Unfortunately he couldn't just skip out on the festivities, regardless of how much he'd of wanted to. it was his own father of course.

"Natie? Are you ok?"

The little voice asked as she put her head on his shoulder crouched down in her little black dress. His smile wasn't to be held back as he raised his head out of his hand only to be met with Noelle's big brown eyes. They were written all over with concern but as he gave her the best smile he could the concern half melted away and she threw her little arms around his neck.

"I'm ok Ellie, just a little sad"

He nodded as he stood up and picked her up with him, her arms still tightly around his neck and her head back on his shoulder. He'd never thought he was really good with little kids till Noelle had attached herself to him. She was the same age that someone very special to him had been, but so much different. Noelle was full of life and endless energy.

"Are you sad about your daddy Natie?"

Noelle's voice showed all the sadness she too felt for her own father that she'd hardly known before he'd been killed. As not always there that the captain had been he'd learned some things from him, like how to sail. It hadn't been so bad, at least he'd had a father that was around most of the time. Noelle pulled back from him and looked at him, as she did he smiled again when he noticed what was around her neck. The diamond star with the emerald in the middle of it, the present he'd had to trick Vanessa into taking. Elle had begged to wear it every day, and Vanessa always caved to restraint. They were memories he loved.

"Yea Ellie, I am"

He nodded his head and looked over at the flowers in the garden thinking for a moment. It was her two little hands on both sides of his face as she pulled his head to look at her again. A soft reflective smile stayed on his face.

"Don't worry Natie, your daddy's up in heaven with my daddy. I bet he's taking lessons on how to be a guardian angel from my daddy so that he can watch over the fishy swimming in Veevee's tummy."

Nate looked at her confused and started to laugh till her serious face brought him back into a quiet moment. She could have a very fierce imagination at times. he knew that when Noelle was set on something he wouldn't hear the end of it till she was through. To silence him further she lifted her hand and put it over Nate's mouth to shush him, something she'd learned from Vanessa naturally. Between the girls Nate was always learning to shut his mouth before something stupid.

"So do you know Natie? Because Veevee says she doesn't. did Veevee swallow a boy fishy or a girl fishy?"

Nate rustled Noelle's hair as she took her hand off of his mouth, a curious smile etching across her own face as she tilted her head to him. Nate wasn't putting two and two together, he had no idea what Elle was talking about and figured it was just another one of her silly pretend games.

"Did Stephen and Jackson make comments while Vanessa was eating sushi in front of you? Because sushi is just food, it's not real fish."

Searching for something to say that would make a little bit of sense out of what Elle was mumbling about it was the only thing he'd been able to come up with. Besides, admitting that the fish had just previously been in a lake or something somewhere sounded a little bit morbid. He thought it was a good enough story, it was just now the whole waiting process of seeing if Elle would take it. She took most things he said literally.

"No Natie! The fishy that's gonna grow into a baby! The baby that's going to call you daddy and Veevee mommy silly, Veevee told me about the baby in her sleep and then mommy told me I couldn't tell anyone. In Veevee's sleep, she told me that the baby has blue eyes just like yours! Veevee talks a lot in her sleep. Veevee even cries in her sleep, she did it last night."

Noelle's words had stopped registering in his head after Noelle had said the world baby. Could Vanessa really have been? And she hadn't said anything to him. He hadn't noticed it. Could he have gotten her pregnant then abandoned her like a good for nothing ass he sometimes was. She was dealing with it all alone, the pressures of everything everyone's pressures all on her shoulders. How could he have not seen it, how could he have let her do everything by herself, she deserved better than that. Everything was moving fast and Nate wasn't sure he'd be able to move if he took an inch. Before he knew it Ele's head was back on his shoulder and her little voice was back to whispering in his ear.

"Mommy told me that the baby might need to go back to heaven till Veevee is older and can take care of it better. She said it was Veevee's decision because Veevee needs to do what' best from her and the baby. Natie, Can you keep a secret? … I think Veevee will be a good mommy. You too Natie, the baby will be lucky to have a daddy like you. You'll love it and take care of it Natie."

Putting Noelle back down on her feet Nate stood up and put his hands over his mouth as Noelle stood looking up at him. His mind was erratic, he actually had goose bumps on his arms and he didn't want to stand still. He needed to find Vanessa. A few of Noelle's words stuck out to him, like her sentence about the baby going back up to heaven. He loved Vanessa, loved her enough for the baby she was carrying to be an accident, but, perhaps not a mistake. It was her choice ultimately, but, he didn't want her to feel backed into a corner like he knew she had to feel. Like her world was coming down around her and she had no one to turn to. Nate wanted to be there for her, to hold her hand and tell her it was all alright even if he didn't know the outcome himself. It wasn't fair for it all to be something she was taking on all by herself. She was so much more than that, they were so much more than that, the baby was more than that.

"Natie? Do you want the baby to go up to heaven too?"

Looking down at Noelle for a moment her words hit him, what her words really meant. Did he want Vanessa to have an abortion? His mind hesitated for a few moments, nether one of them had very good role models in front of them. He didn't know the first thing about taking care of a child, she had Ruby but this was a thousand times different. Next year was college and she'd already changed her dreams once for him, she'd decided on NYU. How could he ask her to change them again? This would be the thorn to break his 'family', they'd never accept the facts, never. Then he allowed his mind to drift, it was like flashes in front of his face. Kissing the back of her shoulder early in the morning, her lit smile when he did something that surprised her, her independence over everything, the way she looked with no makeup on, everything about her made him stop and smile. It wasn't Blair he'd wanted, it was her all along. Family had just seeped into making him think what they wanted was right. That wasn't family, that wasn't real family.

As much as he'd tried to not let his mind slip to that place he couldn't help it. Seeing her with a blanket of pink, baby food thrown all over her from the hand of a sweet little boy, the images floated into his mind. She was pregnant; they'd actually created a life. They had a chance not to be their parents, yet there was a bigger chance they'd turn right into them. There were so many things he had to think about, so many things they needed to discuss. It wasn't something they'd done alone which made it a decision that they both needed to decide upon. First, he needed to make sure she knew she wasn't alone.

"Ellie, I really need to talk to… Vanessa"

His eyes caught her as she passed by the garden and headed for the drive as fast as she could. Just by the way she was walking he could tell something wasn't right and he felt himself panic an unexplained panic that he couldn't quite put his finger on. All he knew was that he needed to get to her, to catch her and tell her she wasn't in it alone anymore. Nate was sure it was the fastest his brain had ever worked. Before he could even catch up with what he was doing Nate was heading after her, Noelle right behind him. His heart was racing his mind was a blur but he'd made it to her. When his hand connected with the soft flesh of Vanessa's wrist he felt her tense and for the first time since their sort of reconciliation he knew why.

"Vanessa"

With almost a whisper she refused to turn around to face him as she tried everything to get her arm away from him but he held tighter. He wasn't about to let her get away. Not with everything going on around them.

"Nate let me go, I have to get out of here"

Her voice was shaking and he could tell immediately that something wasn't right. it didn't matter what it was for the moment, with the new information he'd been given the only thing he cared about was letting her know that he was there and that she wasn't alone. He'd make sure she wasn't alone in a second of it. Nate wrapped his arms around her pulling her into a hug as she put her head against his shoulder. She didn't hesitate for the first time in a long time. He just held her against him.

"How about the three of us get out of here and go talk about all of this."

Pulling away from him he wiped the tears in the corners of her eyes with his thumbs. Kissing her temple he looked her over, for the first time he really could see the little bump that no one should have been able to notice unless they knew her body as well as he knew it. He was half surprised when she didn't complain when he slipped his hands from the sides of face down the length of her body to her hips. It was actually real, just as Elle had said.

* * *

Christinamarie712 – Dan's coming back up pretty soon but I thought this chapter needed to get out first. (: Meh, I think Vanessa had more then enough on her plate rather then yelling at Chuck, at least he had the right idea at heart. Well Nate, he's got some thinking and growing up to do now I believe. I'm thinking Ruby's going to get worse before she ever gets better.

Francesca – well on the Nate finding out bit ;)

Jen – someone needed to tell Dan, he's one of the best candidates to take care of Vanessa in my opinion. Nothing's better then having your best friend regardless of how judgmental he is. SCOREEEE feeling bad for Nate is exactly what I wanted! As for Maureen, she's on her honeymoon but she's going to be very in touch and involved.

Pagan-Angel13 – Thank you! :D I hope this one lived up to the story just getting better, that's what I'm trying for.

Nate's starting to learn that one now, he's a little bit stubborn when it comes to family but he's starting to see that family is what he makes of it… or what he makes with it? Yea, not sure if that made sense out loud, it did in my head!

Well Chuck can't have anyone thinking that it's his child now can he? Chuck Bass is not a child person. And Chuck knew someone needed to take care of V, if she wasn't going to let Nate do it Chuck took it upon himself to find someone that would.

Ruby and Nate don't get along, and there's a pretty interesting twist coming up that will show just how catty they are with one another. ;)

dun dun dun… :D lol Ellie has a very big mouth

honesty is the hardest policy, hope you liked this chapter! Can't wait to hear your thoughts!

Izzy! – doing this one out of order because I have to say you just made me laugh, yea, I was in the thread the other day when the dog/cat conversation came up and yeaa I see it that way. But in the sake of phsyco cat I figured it was best. But yea, black cat with green eyes… I can see it.

I gotta say, Scott is pissing even me off. Then again I've fallen back in love again so that might have the slightest hint of being why. But Scott has a motive he's after and it'll come out in time. He's lifjskdfjl I don't know, I just don't like him.

Dan's just upset, he's going to be the stubborn one for a while.

Alexxx! ~ Lovee your reviews but you know that, I just get over anxious to get them :P Nate's a jerk, how dare he be able to play with everyone's emotions and make so many people fall in love with him and hate him at the same time. I don't understand it, it's those damn blue eyes, yep, that's what I'm going to blame it on. Those perfect sapphire eyes. I think this chapter came out pretty good. Anne drives me up the wall though. She's such a **.

Yess NV always, I think I've dropped every other ship I have just for them. They're the only two that matter. Nate's starting to see the mistakes he's made too. Finally, but, he's got someone in his way that's not going to go away all that easy.

Ruby's going to get worse before she ever gets better. She doesn't understand the pain she causes V until she has no other but to look it in the face, but, that's all I'll say on that one. You'll see.

Vanessa was shocked that Ruby even remembered the secret to begin with. I figured everyone needed a little bit more torture before everything actually came out. Besides, how could Nate not think of all of his options when he had Elle's cute little fact in front of him? I wasn't sure of how to do it but, that was the one option I came up with.

Dan's the only one that knows Vanessa better than anyone else, and I'm still trying to figure the rest of him out at the moment but, I know I'll come up with something no doubt about that one. Chuck just wanted to know that someone was going to take care of Vanessa since he didn't see Nate knowing any time soon. Chuck doesn't exactly know how to take care of anyone so Dan was his only bet on it all.

well, keep in mind that what I asked you about needs a what I told you I was doing the other day. I'm iffy and if you're up for it let me know and I'll show you. Again I don't make a lot of sense here. anyways. I'm gonna get this up now.

Thank you sooo much everyone, you honestly have no idea how much it means to me. Keep the reviews coming and I will keep on writing! Make them long ) they give me ideas and things to think about. Oh! And I should mention this isn't a relationship reconciliation, she's in a relationship still. And he hasn't had a moment to think about the fact that she didn't tell him right away, even if he was the one that was the ass in the matter.


	11. An Almost Fate

**Author's Note**: wow! last chapter did so well i'm amazed, i'm hoping this chapter is liked as well. quick author's note here because I have to head to the hospital to visit my mom. next one will be longer. thank you so much for your reviews and please! keep them coming! :D thank you!

Manda

* * *

_Ruby had left for a week leaving Vanessa the apartment all to herself, it was the place she'd chosen for them to sit and talk. She knew she could use the apartment as an example of what she needed to point out and say. Her whole body seemed to shake as she sat across from him trying everything she could to stay completely calm. The way he was looking at her wasn't helping, the somewhat nervous but mostly smile across his face was making her words even tougher. Before she'd gone to the wedding her mind had been made up and clear, but after she'd realized that her decisions would only hurt him in the long run she knew what she had to do. Not what she wanted to do but what she had to do. She loved him more than that, being the reason that everything he knew was taken away from him. It wasn't something she'd vocalize though, she already knew she just had to make her demands and tell her decisions._

_As he sat down across from her and slid an Italian ice from the freezer across the table, of course after taking his own spoonful of it, Vanessa had a hard time looking at him. He seemed so careful and so doting. That's what made Vanessa's words that much more difficult to get out. She didn't want to see the disappointment in his face knowing she'd been the one to cause it. She didn't want to think of the word again after she'd been so sure she was done with it. Her decisions were decisions she hadn't planned on changing until his life was brought into the mess that was her own. If she was going to bring herself down how could she bring him down along with her. So, she'd gone back and evaluated everything. Her own feelings could and would be put aside to spare his life. She wasn't going to be the one he resented, and she wasn't going to put their innocent child in the middle of all of their problems. How would that even have been anywhere near fair to the child, she loved the little life already far too much to doom it to a life of hell and fighting._

_"I don't have the slightest clue how to say this"_

_His perfect blue eyes were staring at her and all Vanessa wanted to do was shrink and disappear. She'd be both letting him down and setting him free, but she'd also be letting herself down, something she hadn't expected. The last thing she'd expected after getting the news of her pregnancy was to become attached to it. Already her mind faltered to think of what she'd think every time she looked in the mirror. She was getting so used to laying a cautious hand across her stomach, when that was gone she wasn't sure how she'd feel. Part of her was relying on the baby to make her feel like she was doing something right. Why was it that things that made you feel so good genuinely were so wrong, just like falling in love with him had been._

_"I told you before V, I'm not pressuring you into any decision. Ultimately you're the one that has the final say, but, if you decide that we're having this baby then no matter how much you challenge me I'm taking care of the three of…"_

_His words were just making everything harder she decided as she reached forward and put her hand over his mouth only to feel the electricity through her hand at the feel of his lips on her skin. Vanessa was having a hard time keeping composure as she felt his lips on her palm in a pucker. Her restraint was wearing down; her need for him to just sit with her in silence was becoming greater by the moment. She'd of given anything to let him in while she was still pregnant, to feel his hands cover over the spot their combination lay._

_"Nate, I… this… um… I can't continue this. It's not a good idea for either one of us. Not for any of us really. Once it's all behind us we can move on like it never existed."_

_As the words slipped from her mouth she winced, she already knew there wouldn't have been a way that she'd get past it. It wasn't like she hadn't attempted the abortion in the past. Both times she'd tried they'd both failed, already knowing that this outcome was going to be different made her feel like she was going to throw up. She couldn't eat the Italian ice in front of her as she pushed it away with the back of her hand. Vanessa couldn't look him in the eyes as she did everything to avoid looking at him._

_"V, are you…"_

_He started to protest and Vanessa nodded her head mechanically right away ending his questions. She couldn't bear to hear the words anymore then she had to. Already she dreaded it. In her head she could already hear Elle's questions about the fishy and when the fishy could come back from heaven. Between the unexplained sadness in Nate's eyes and her own agony over what she had to do Vanessa shut her eyes and took a few deep breaths, why did life always have to hand you hard options that you couldn't come to terms with without it costing someone besides yourself also. She knew the decision at hand would cost her more than just her dignity, it would cost her part of herself too, herself and Nate. Maybe that was the way things were supposed to be. They really weren't meant to be together and he was meant to be better than her without her holding him back from the things he was or wanted._

_--------_

Green, orange, red, blue, splashes of color decorated her dress; it was supposed to be the main focal point of the dress. The blue crop jacket was something she'd added as an afterthought thinking it would take some of the pressure off. Standing in front of the full length mirror she could see it even in the dress. It wasn't just something her mind had dreamed up, every little bit of it showed in her own eyes. Even if the thirteen weeks worth of bump was not the most detectable other then looking like she'd eaten too much before going out. There was only a hand full of people that knew the real truth behind it. Maureen was going to be disappointed, this was the thing she'd been trying to protect her from. She was in possession of the one thing Maureen wanted and she was about to just give it up. Chuck would have told her Nate was a big boy and he could make his own decisions, but they both knew that was a lie. Cora told her she needed to follow her own heart, everything happened for a reason. Scott told her she was doing the right thing, the faster she cut her ties the better, the faster she could put it behind her and move on with her life. Dan, Dan wasn't speaking to her and Nate's face even though he didn't mean to showed the disappointment. Everyone who knew knew that the biggest decision of Vanessa's life stayed contently for the time being underneath her heart in its comfortable home. One that would all too soon be destroyed, the thought made Vanessa shiver. It was going to be a long day, perhaps the longest day of her life.

From the second that Vanessa opened her eyes the only thing she wanted was to pull the covers over her head and bypass the day. There wasn't a second of it that she actually wanted to face, it would have made the events that would take place later in the evening come too soon. Events that she was dreading already, she'd already agonized and thrown up over them a few times. The pink nail polish she'd painted her nails with had ended up all over her hands from her shaking. A shaking that came from the fact she was in for a long day, a day she didn't want to come. This wasn't the way she wanted it to be. Just lingering on the thought made her feel like her stomach was once again revolting against her. How did she ever decide on this mess. The selfish part of her wanted to tune out what Anne had said to her. Part of her wanted to act for herself and not let go of their baby, of her baby. But, Anne was right, when things didn't work out the baby would have been caught in the middle of all the fights and messes. What kind of a life would that have been? As much as Vanessa loved her mother she resented her for never being a real mother and she had no doubt in the fact that Nate resented his. What kind of mother would that have made her.

Tracing her steps back to the bed she sat down with a broken sigh pulling her lap top on her lap. She'd been up all night, reading things. Things between being pregnant and abortion stories, all good and bad, she still felt like it was going to be all bad. Had things stayed alright and she didn't go along with the things that were planned and scheduled for the day her due date was December twenty-fifth, somewhere around that she would have been screaming in pain. Her Christmas present would have been one of the things that scared her the most yet she'd of preferred it to the alternative. Even petrified of the thought that the little life inside of her depending on her more than even Ruby it was still her little life. She was supposed to be the one in charge of it, nurturing and taking care of it. Even if Vanessa wasn't that person this was so much different than anything she'd imagined it ever being. Part of her felt almost ready for it. No, she needed to turn herself off and let it go. This just wasn't the time and Nate just wasn't the one.

Shutting the lap top she pushed it away from her and lay back on the bed pulling the pillow over her face, if she fell asleep and slept through the day maybe everyone would have just forgotten about her. She knew that wouldn't have happened, Scott would be there in an hour to pick her up and she was already in hot water with Dan, not going to his graduation would have just made it worse. She needed to mend fences not break them more. As she lay with her head still under her pillow she heard the quiet shutting of the apartment door and knew it only could have been one person. A person she didn't bother to move a single inch for, she knew why he was there. She stayed quiet as she heard his careful footsteps enter the room, bend in the bed as he sat down beside her body, and his warm hand as he rested it on her stomach. His hand burned her, his placement would have been perfect if she didn't already feel all the animosity that was wracking through her. His touch was delicate, that fact alone made her want to curl into a small ball and shutter away from him. But she didn't, she needed to act like what they were going to do was what she wanted.

If he knew that she was doing what his mother wanted he'd of been so disappointed in her. Ashamed of the fact that for the first time in her life she was following orders rather than going by what she felt was right. Even more so that she was compromising their baby for what his mother wanted, and, demanded. Giving up she pulled the pillow off of her face but avoided any sort of eye contact. She couldn't let him see just how torn apart she really was over it all. How badly she didn't want to do it.

"Hey"

She smiled slightly in return as he picked up something off of the side of the bed that she didn't see till he was holding it out for her to take. Two orange roses, it was his graduation and he was bringing her roses. It was the Nate she'd fallen in love with, the one who'd conceived the child with her. The child that was somewhere right under his hand. Vanessa felt more and more pressure as she lay there with him looking at her, she needed to move.

"I just wanted to come and make sure you were ok. I mean, today's a big day and everything. I just… Vanessa you can still change your mind. One way or another we can do this. You can even still go to college like you want to, everything will be ok. Just say the word and this baby isn't going anywhere."

Pulling herself from his grip she looked away from him as she reached for the green dangle earrings to put in her ears. Anything to distract her mind for even a second, something to do with her hands other then linger on it. After they were in she turned around and shook her head.

"Scott's gonna be here soon and you laying on my bed like that is going to look just a little bit suspicious"

Faking another smile she looked at him laying on her bed like he'd been there all night. He had a graduation to get ready for and she needed space to think for a little while. Him being there was not helping her set a numb emotion log.

* * *

Soon as she walked through the gate he saw her. Dress, leggings, high heels, fake smile… he could see right through it even across her face. the only thing that gave off the slightest hint that all was not right was the huge blue-green bag she was clinging to. if he hadn't been suspiciously watching her so close he wouldn't have thought anything of it. He had been watching though, waiting to see if there really was a physical difference just yet. Other then the purse he didn't see anything. All he saw was his liar of a best friend who left him in the dark till someone else filled him in first. They'd done a lot wrong by one another in the past but this was the tip of the iceberg. The most life changing thing in her life and he'd had to find out from a man that neither of them was even supposed to like.

He hadn't taken her calls, he hadn't gone to the gallery, he hadn't checked up on her in over a week. Dan was to mad and proud to take a second to stop and worry about what she was up to and what had happened this time. He felt betrayed and hurt over the things she'd done. There was a small part that was also mad at her, for being so stupid. With Nate's lack of brain he wasn't surprised but she was Vanessa, she was supposed to be careful. Vanessa hadn't ever said she wanted kids, she wanted her future in film, independent film. She hadn't ever even said that she wanted college and Nate walked into the picture and suddenly college was her future? Now on top of it she was pregnant, she'd fallen so far from who she'd used to be, from who she should have been, in his opinion anyway.

Chocolate brown eyes followed her every stop she looked through the uppity socialites to find his father and sister. She looked so lost and confused, but, when Dan attempted to look at her he could see something underlying, a pain that was only partly clear. She wasn't looking where she was going, she was trying to find the two. He watched as Anne Archibald turned her eyes to Vanessa and a sneer graced her already stone like face. What Dan did catch was what Anne had done next. Dropping her bag directly in Vanessa's way as Vanessa was walking had been deliberate. Vanessa's shoe got stuck on the handle of it mid step and her ankle twisted and she fell right down onto her knees in front of a small crowd that turned to look at her. Vanessa hadn't ever been the girl to be kicked around and fall apart but, part of him expected her to crumble. He wasn't sure who she was anymore, he didn't know if his best friend had been completely taken over or not. She proved him wrong though, holding her eyes shut for just a moment she put both hands down on the floor for a second before standing up and taking a moment to straighten the blue half jacket she had on over her dress. She looked straight ahead not once looking at Anne as she put her head up and walked forward.

The way she carried herself as she walked away from the scene wasn't the Vanessa he'd always known, there was something a little more broken to the Vanessa in front of him then his beloved best friend. As he watched her he remembered something, there was a reason his mother wasn't going to be at the graduation. He had a baby sister that weighed less than two pounds struggling for her life in the hospital. He took a sideways glance at Vanessa, he couldn't see her as a mother. He couldn't see her in the same position as his mother. Carrying around a baby, worrying about a child, that wasn't his adventurous, fierce, opinionated, stubborn best friend. Regardless of what he thought though she was already pregnant, she'd already screwed up in that aspect.

Still in his slight daze thinking about it all he hadn't noticed her come over to them in till she'd said hi and Jenny had hugged her. Jenny didn't know her secrets just yet, that wouldn't have made for a very comfortable graduation. She didn't talk to him, they just studied one another for a second. He watched as she clutched the bag she'd been carrying her tightly in front of her. Her video camera was off in her hand, that was the part that reminded him of his Vanessa again and he took a step forward putting his hand on her arm.

"Are you ok?"

Turning to put her back to Jenny and Rufus a very fake smile crossed her face as she looked at him. Her voice dropped to an almost low whisper that held a bit of underlying seething in it and as much as he should have been aggravated over it that was typical his Vanessa.

"Don't do it Dan, I've called you and tried to apologize, you're the one that won't pick up. So don't try to act concerned."  
They looked at one another at odds, even when Serena had come between them it hadn't been this hostel and they hadn't been this hurt. He took in her hurt expression and her anger as she looked away from him back over in the direction of Anne talking away to her friends. As she looked away Dan looked at the camera then back at her, she was still his best friend. That was what made him pull her into a hug, a tight brotherly bear hug. He realized as soon as she clung onto him that's what she'd needed to begin with.

"Now, how about I get to documenting this thing in history… where's Allison? I know things haven't been great but I can't see her missing this today. It's a big day her son's grownup with the rest of his rich classmates."

She seemed oddly back to herself as she took a step back and turned on her camera flashing it in his face with a devilish smirk. He'd forgotten the pains of having her around before, the camera always right in his face. She'd caught some of his most embarrassing moments on tape in the past, today would be no different. His mother, that was a case he didn't want to tell her. There was just something in it that seemed to close to home and to sensitive for him to bother her with.

"She's just not… Scott"

Saved by the person he thought was hiding more then he said. There was something about Scott and Dan couldn't quite put his hand on it that Dan didn't like. He was always asking questions to Rufus when he was in the house and he came over like he was Dan's best friend all the time. It was strange and Dan wasn't sure he trusted or liked it. Scott snuck up behind Vanessa and wrapped his arms around her and he saw her tense up. It was obvious to him that Vanessa herself wasn't crazy about him. She didn't melt into him like she had in the past with Nate, she didn't have her unmistakable smile either.

"Did you tell Dan your news?"

He watched Vanessa shutter as Scott said it and kissed her cheek, a smile across his face. She wasn't smiling and she wasn't happy about whatever it was. There she went hiding secrets from him again. But her hazel eyes looked up and Dan saw a range of emotions that included what he knew all too well to be regret. They showed sadness too and it didn't take him more than thirty seconds to figure it out. They were best friends and knew each other almost too well it seemed.

"Can I talk to you for a second? Alone?"

Scott looked at them both trying to figure out what exactly was going on as Vanessa nodded her head. Excusing himself to Jenny and Rufus he reached for Vanessa to lead her back outside where they could get some air and talk without Scott interfering. He put his hand on her shoulders and wound her through the crowd of people being sure to hold extra tight as they passed Anne. She noticed it too as she turned her head enough to glance him a quick thank you. He wasn't about to watch her get pushed around when it was the last thing she deserved. She'd been stupid but the mistakes were already made.

Outside it was sunny and beautiful, the perfect warm New York morning with just the slightest breeze. He released Vanessa as she walked to lean her back against the cold stone of the building. Dan knew her every action of regret without her even opening her mouth to say a word of it.

"I don't know what I'm doing"

She whispered and her eyes showed her honesty in the sentence. Dan nodded his head, he could tell that. his best friend was falling apart at the seams and there was hardly anything he could do to fix it or make it any better anymore. he did know there was one thing that he had to do. He needed to be there for her, to tell her it was all going to be alright even if he didn't see how it would be. He didn't say anymore as he just pulled her into a hug tightly. Even if things were bad and messy they'd been friends since the age of six, he wasn't about to turn his back on her now. He just held her tightly wishing that he could have fixed it all from coming down around her. Even if he couldn't the lest thing he could do was to be there for her. They'd gotten through everything else without anyone else there in the middle. This was just one more thing that they'd have to take care of. He'd watch out for her, where Scott gloated Dan knew better. Vanessa's heart wasn't into what she was doing. By what Anne had done Dan knew Vanessa was only doing it because it was what she thought the right thing to do was. No matter how disappointed in her he was he wasn't going to be the one to sit around and tell her what to do. She was the only one who could make the decision for herself, no jackass boyfriend or psycho mother could make it for her.

The sound of a door shutting made them both turn around and look at the black limo that had pulled up. Out stepped two people that two years ago he'd never of gotten along with. Now one of them he was iffy about being friends with and the other he could tolerate. It was strange how far life could come and go when time passed. He watched Vanessa take a fast swipe to clear her eyes as the two boys started to come closer. Not that Dan had noticed it but he'd put himself in front of Vanessa and was looking at them both.

"Humphrey"

Chuck addressed with a nod to both him and Vanessa before passing through the gate. It was the other one that Dan took note of, his visibly torn face. he knew what it was, soon as he looked between Nate and Vanessa he knew they were both saying the same thing in their heads but not outside. Both hiding what they wanted to do and what was really in front of them.

"Dan"

With a nearly friendly smile Dan took a step back but not too far away so that if she needed him he could have still stepped in at any second. He wasn't going to leave her unless she told him to go and that she was fine. But, her eyes didn't do that. He could tell she silently wanted him to be there, so that she could use him as her anchor of strength, strength that she couldn't pull from Nate. Either one of them had it in them.

"Are you ok?"

He heard Nate say as he leaned in closer to Vanessa, his hands on her hips. How they both couldn't see it Dan didn't know, because even to Dan it was plain evident. The thought and agony of having an abortion tore them both apart, how were they going to go through with it or live with it after Dan couldn't see. They were more in love then they'd admit.

* * *

Even if what she really needed was his hand to squeeze for comfort he wasn't sure if he could do it. Much as he'd said he was on board with the whole thing the truth was Nate wasn't sure if he'd be able to handle it once it was done and over. He wasn't sure he'd be able to look at her with the same careful loving eyes. Nate was afraid, afraid that once it was over the sinking feeling that he felt would be worse than it was. He didn't think they were doing the right thing, if they were doing the right thing why did it feel so completely wrong? The sterile white walls around him didn't seem clean enough; the doctor seemed to cold, the instruments to scary. This wasn't any bit of what he'd wanted. Her body meant her choice, her mind was made up, and she'd been the one that made the decision on it. It was what she wanted, to not be pregnant anymore. none of it was fair to him, he'd known for three days and already measures were being taken so that it was all just a bad dream. That's not what he wanted, it wasn't a dream, it was a really thing. The abortion seemed like it was so forced, like it was just a quick way out. It all seemed so simple when it was just words. So simple when he didn't really want think about all that it really was. How was he to deal with it when he hardly even had a say in it.

It was her body, he needed to keep reminding himself that. It all felt so unreal, the fact that she was carrying an actual baby inside of her, a baby that was part of the both of them. A baby that had the potential to actually call him daddy and her mommy, their baby, there was so much more hanging in the balance then what she was looking at. They had a shot to not be their parents hanging over their heads and they were just going to give it up like it was nothing at all. His own little family lay on the metal table in front of him so close yet it felt so far away. Every time he touched her stomach he felt like a child that had touched the hot stove. He knew it was his mind's way of telling him that he needed to back off and not get so attached to something that wouldn't be there. Almost as fast as the procedure would start it would be over and there would be nothing left.

He couldn't think of it as not being her choice, she was the one that was voluntarily getting rid of it. Nate cringed at the thought. Did it really mean that they didn't mean anything to one another? This was all just a real mistake that shouldn't have taken place. He had a hard time believing it, how could she not feel what he felt, it was growing inside of her. Had he really screwed up on her that much that she could take it out on an innocent baby. His mind couldn't help but wonder if it was because she was truly falling in love with Scott, that Scott took care of her better than he did. He felt a surge of anger through his veins. Calm, he needed to stay calm. None of it was out of resentment he needed to keep telling himself. It was just what she had figured was best and maybe in a few ways she was right. She didn't have to worry this way.

The snap of the surgical gloves, the squeezing of the gel out of the tube, Vanessa's small noise at the cold… it all seemed to be in such slow motion. The doctor said nothing and Vanessa bit on her lip. From where he stood in the corner of the room he could silently see it all. He hated being a fly on the wall but he'd promised he wouldn't leave her and he knew he couldn't touch her. If he touched her he would have tried to get her to talk about it again, to reconsider her actions. Nate had asked her enough, put enough pressure on her why would he of wanted to add anymore to his own conscious, he'd done all he could do.

"Using the ultra sound I'm going to track out exactly where the fetus is, as soon as I locate it you'll be able to hear it."

At the doctor's words Nate looked up again, not looking at Vanessa but looking at the doctor's hands as he held onto the instrument and glided around Vanessa's small stomach. It felt surreal to be in the position he was in, to be watching and waiting for a small image to appear on the screen. Something he hadn't expected to be doing till he was at least twenty-seven. Something he'd expected to clutching the hand of his wife for, not sitting across the room from his ex girlfriend as he wanted nothing more than to be sitting beside her telling her everything was going to be alright. But he couldn't do it. Not if the bay wasn't going to be there in a matter of minutes.

'woosh, woosh, woosh' there was a sound that made him look up and right away without a question he saw it. There was a clear image of a baby in all the black and white. Nate could even make out the little thing sucking its thumb; it made it all so much more real. There actually was a baby inside of her, a really baby sucking on their real little thumb. Every bit of it didn't feel like it was actually happening. Something that sounded almost like a sob made him turn his head to see what it was, Vanessa's head was turned away from the machine and himself, he didn't think there was any way that it could have been her. If it was her she wouldn't have able to go through with it, how could she have gone through with it if she was actually looking at what was inside of her. What they'd created, what they'd done.

"Measuring just about three inches long, normal, it looks rather healthy. Baby's a little lethargic, looks to me like you would have had one calm lazy baby, most of the ultra sounds I've done at thirteen weeks the baby's moving all over the place. Anyway the whole procedure should only take about five minutes then I'll give you a prescription for pain meds and it'll all be over. Your period should resume in 4 to 8 weeks, and today you should only have some mild cramping."

Turning his head just to peek at her reaction her back was still to him but he could see her shaking. She was visibly convulsing in silent sobs as he watched her to confused and lost to move. He'd thought the abortion was what she'd wanted, she'd been the one to say it. She'd told him there was no other option and the abortion was the only thing they could do. He could tell just by the way everything was tearing her apart now that it had to have been just for the benefit of saying the words. She'd been trying to give him an out by saying she didn't want it. As guilty as part of him felt for thinking it he'd never felt so relieved seeing her cry. It all meant he wouldn't have to push aside any of the feelings he'd felt. Nothing would have to change, it would be hard, it would be different, but they'd be alright.

Standing there dumbfounded he couldn't move for a few moments, she was laying on the cold medal table her eyes full of water that fell down her cheeks and he still hadn't moved. Sometimes Nate's brain didn't work quite as fast as it should have. The doctor had turned back around to prepare things for the procedure and Vanessa had finally turned over. In the second that their eyes met they saw everything that was going on. Everything that they didn't want to feel or see at times, it was evident in the way their eyes were looking right into one another. He could see the hazel eyes burning into him, begging and pleading with him to not let her make perhaps what would have been the biggest mistake of both of their lives. His frozen joints seemed to unlock right away as he didn't hesitate to rush forward and pull her close to him. She didn't hesitate, she just held onto him curling into a semi ball against his chest as Nate shook his head to the doctor letting him know the procedure was off.

"I can't… I can't pretend it doesn't matter"

Straining her voice through hiccupped sobs he tried to sooth her kissing the top of her head and holding onto her tightly, both arms wrapped around her. All his mind kept repeating was that his baby was safe, they were ok. Things might not have been ideal but he'd work as hard as he could to prove to her that they'd be able to do it, they weren't their parents. Putting the child's needs in front of their lives already proved that they weren't their parents, at least, they weren't his parents.

"We're going to be ok Vanessa, I told you that. That little heart is being because of us, it's ours Vanessa. Something no one can take away from us. We're going to be ok, and so is our baby… baby V, our baby"

Her breathing and crying was only beginning to lessen as she listened to his words. Anne wasn't going to be pleased with her son and she'd hate Vanessa just that much more than before but Vanessa couldn't have cared less. Once the heart beat had filled her ears and the image of the small thing sucking it's thumb made everything more really then it felt before there wasn't any terminating it. She was pregnant and that was the way she was going to stay until the baby was fully developed and healthy. There wasn't a single way she could have put an end to it.

Cupping her face in his hands he put his forehead against hers as she lessoned her tears more knowing that she was safe, they both were. Her hands that had been clinging to her stomach were covered over by his, all four of their hands were planted on her stomach. Regardless of how iffy and unsure the emotions were that both of them felt they knew that there wasn't a way either of them would have been able to live with themselves. She felt his lips on her forehead next and she closed her eyes enjoying the feeling.

"I love you Vanessa, and I know that you don't believe that right now, and I know you don't trust me. With all rights you don't trust me. I haven't been here and I haven't done what I should have been doing all along, which is taking care of you. But I do Vanessa, I love you and I love this baby and I'm going to prove it to the both of you."

She noticed he didn't sound like his normally confused self as he spoke, he sounded like he actually meant every word, as honest as the night on the café floor a year ago telling her that there was something more than them just hooking up on a first unofficial date. There'd been moments she'd been iffy about that one, but, as he leaned against her forehead and his hands rested on her stomach she knew he'd been telling the truth. This wasn't just something to brush off anymore, they weren't the only ones involved anymore. it was going to take time, patients, work, but they'd do it.

* * *

**Francesca** – last chapter I think was my favorite yet too, there's more like that coming up… perhaps ;) as for YOB it's got 2000 words to it so far! I'm working at it

**Izzy!** – Ellie's a little trouble maker isn't she? Hmm let's see, can I think of a way to make her even more adorable? Perhaps.

I know, it's such a change from YOB, it sorta makes me sad. Hm, maybe it explains where Nate gets his personality syndrome from though.

:D I didn't even notice how much I liked that line when I wrote it, it wasn't till you pointed it out!

Scott! He just frustrates me more and more. I wanted to like him too. I had every intention on liking him. But Nate takes the cake every time. Damn Natie, what am I going to do with you? :P

**Christinamarie712** – Anne is frustrating, as you can tell she gets even worse then just telling Vanessa what to… (oh! Hmmm the thought I just got could be quite useful) ok, I'll just keep that one to myself. Elle is watching out with her fishy! As you can tell the child is obsessed with Nemo and fishy's there for poor baby is always going to be screwed into being Nate and Vanessa's fishy.

**Jen** – Chuck doesn't want to admit it but he likes feeling needed and he likes to take care of Vanessa. he's going to be uncle chuck after all… well possibly. Yay! Nate can get the same brainwaves as a nearly five year old! I think he deserves a cupcake now… don't you? :P lol Anne and Grandfather, ugh, so horrible. Just plain bad people.

**Layla Persnickety** – heehee :D please, tell me who the other option was. I'm betting it was Chuck. Though I have to admit, it never crossed my mind to have Chuck tell him. O.o it probably should have.

**Pagan-Angel13** – first off, have I ever mentioned that I love comments like this?

Last chapter was honestly my easiest to write and I was hoping that it would live up to what it should have. I'm very excited to know that it actually did. I'm very proud of it I have to say :D

Wow, I wish I'd thought of that. I didn't even think of Chuck walking in before. This chapter here I wanted so way for Chuck to see what was going on but it didn't work out. Perhaps I'll keep that one in mind, thank you so much! Anne's thinking of herself as she always does, she doesn't care what he'll think she just cares what she wants and an upper east side scandal is not it. Being grandmother is something she doesn't care for either. But she knows that she's on a thin line with grandfather as it is, one more straw would be the end.

what better way for Nate to understand then for someone who thinks at his level to tell him? No, I'm not giving Ellie enough credit there. Kidding, I love Nate he just annoys me at times. I'm so glad that Ellie's innocence about it all came across yet so did the harshness of abortion in Nate's ears but not in her own. Lol sorry, I'm a little excited about that one as you can tell. :P

Vanessa's a very independent person, she doesn't like to be told what to do and she's not crazy about Anne. She's had weeks to think about and to be with her pregnancy, it's not something she hasn't grown attached to. even here she's trying to sacrifice her own happiness and feelings for what she thinks is right for everyone else. Talk about someone who doesn't know how to make herself happy…

Empathy is my strong suit I'm starting to believe. Now I need to work on something else. lol

Nate loves Vanessa, he's just… Nate. He's royally screwed up much more times than the average person has. he's got a lot to make up for, and that's one thing Nate always seems to faulter at no matter how much he loves the people involved.

heehee, Ruby's going to be a fun one, that's part of my next issues to get working on.

hope you liked this chapter too!

**Alex!** - Yay! I was hoping it would. I hope reading them doesn't distract you too much or I'm going to have to start spacing them out a little bit :P kidding. I don't think I could do that to myself. It would drive me a little to insane.

Yayyyy!! I'm so hald that I did him the justice that the writers don't do for him now. they really need to show that Nate has more to him than just a pretty face because right now he looks like just a plain pretty face and we all know that Fitz knows he's more than just that. he's still got some redeeming to go and of course his confusion will always stay. Of course he needed V at the funeral. He can't breathe unless she's there, even if she's mad at him she goes for his needs. See, there's good mommy V ;) she knows how to take care of people why not her fishy?

Chuck… goodness I love Chuck now. perhaps more then I should of course. I'm trying to work out another Chuck part in my head. Because I just had a brainstorm that I think might be needed… hmmm we'll see ;)

see, as you can tell from this chapter Anne just gets worse and worse. Poor Vanessa has to deal with her all on her own too because she refuses to tell Nate about any of it. Something tells me that Nate wouldn't be to happy with her for even considering to go along with Anne's demands. Hmmm we'll see.

GG's N has all the potential to think about it and to act like that. J&S don't give him enough credit for the things he does. Noelle on the other hand only wants to look out for her fishy, she's excited about the fishy. :D poor V's never going to hear the end of it.

NV still have a long way to go and Scott's still in the way. Thank you so much for your help with you know what and I forgot to tell you this morning, I might have changed it again. I'm not sure I still have a while to decide yet. Going to need your opinion on it of course. But you already knew that. :P


	12. Something That Shouldn't Be

Author's Note: ok so i'm far to hyper and excited for tonight to take time to write a note, the notes at the bottom even fail today, I'm watching VV, s1 marathon starting with Handmaids tail, I bet you can guess why. ok! so leave me your thoughts. enjoy!

manda

* * *

The couch was overcrowded with Blair sandwiched between Chuck and Nate while Serena lay across all three of them. A bottle of scotch half empty on the floor beside Chuck, a shared bottle of Diva vodka for Serena and Blair that was nearly gone in its self, and a Smart Water for Nate. On a beautiful day with the blazing hot sun high in the sky the four of them sat in the air conditioned television room of the Van der Woodsen-Bass suit. Chuck wasn't a sun person unless they were in the Hampton soaking it up with girls in bikinis more than willing to strip it off. So Serena and Chuck had started drinking away without them, drinking away the afternoon and passing together stories till Nate and Blair had walked in sometime later. Things had been simple, the fab four, in the past none of them would have said that they needed anything more than just that. Growing up on the East Side with the parents they'd all been born to the thread that kept them together was stronger than any other thread there was. They were all one another had no matter if it had been rainy days or sunny days. Not that any of them would have admitted it but, it was strange to think that so quickly it had all changed. With Graduation just past everything was starting to come into perspective. Come September nothing would be the same. Chuck would be in full charge of Bass Industries, Blair would be at NYU, Serena… Serena was doing something, not that she was sure of anything yet, and Nate, Nate would have three months left till fatherhood took over. Just two months away everything would be completely changed and simplicity would be just a thing of the past.

Blair's nearly silent snoring made three heads turn to look at her. One thing Gossip Girl would never know was that Blair Waldorf did in fact snore in her sleep when she was too comfortable. Her head on Chuck's shoulder, for B it must not have gotten much better. Blair was only the center of group discussion for a few seconds before everyone went back to the bickering and half watching Toy Story, it shut everyone involved up.

That was a story in its self; Toy Story had always been the group movie of sorts. Whenever parents wanted to forget their children existed the playroom was full of the four trouble makers were tossed together and Toy Story was the only thing that kept three of them from complaining and causing hell to their nannies. Toy Story was the only thing that worked back then Besides Breakfast at Tiffany's of course. Blair was already asleep though, they didn't have to follow her directions for a few minutes, Blair only ever cat napped. Of course that was no surprise when of course they were talking about Blair. Blair didn't like to miss a moment of being the center of attention, they'd all grown up with those rules through the years.

"You can't leave me a message like that Lily! A candid message that you found our son and he's not dead! I want all the details now! All of them in full!"

Rufus's yelling and storming into the suit could be heard over the television that was on insanely loud. All heads that were awake seemed to snap back into reality at the yells. Serena reached for the remote and turned down the TV listening further. They'd grown up in the age of Gossip girl, there wasn't a way around needing to know what the gossip was. For Serena there wasn't a way around finding out what was up with her mother and ex boyfriend's father. The whole thing sounded so twisted. If it wasn't twisted and wrong it wouldn't have been the East Side of course.

"He's been in town for weeks now Rufus. My PI finally picked up on it when he was hanging around the building. He looks like you, and, he seems like he's had a good life. He's hanging around observing us both. You know who he is, you've seen him before, Rufus, he's been in your apartment… he's been with our kids."

All three heads were in full focus on the conversation at hand, all three were curious as to what was at hand. Serena's eyes popped out of her head, she'd actually been in contact with her brother and hadn't known the slightest word of it. She wracked her brain trying to think of who he could have been and if she'd hit on him.

"The only thing is Rufus, when Don checked into his past to make sure everything checked out there was something. He's been in juvie. Do you remember how they told us his name was Andrew and he'd drowned while swimming with some friends? That's because they tried to cover up what happened. There's a very good chance Scott killed his brother out of jealousy."

Soon as the name Scott had come out of Lily's mouth Serena and Nate turned to look at one another. Serena might not have known about Vanessa's pregnancy but she did know that Vanessa was dating him and if there was something wrong with him Nate would have been the first to jump on it. Even if he didn't admit it out loud everyone knew that he loved Vanessa. It was plain obvious.

"Scott? As in the Scott that spends time with my kids? He's our son… and he could have murdered his brother. Lily, you don't think that he'd be after Dan, Jenny, Eric, or Serena do you?"

Rufus had dropped his voice considerably but the three on the couch could still make out what he was saying.

"I don't know Rufus, I don't know anything about him. I do think that till we can all sit down and talk the kids need to be told and we all need to be careful around him. Just until we all know where everything stands."

Lily nodded her head and by the time anyone could say anything else Nate was up on his feet with his cell phone in hand. He hadn't liked Scott from the beginning this just gave him more of a reason to be protective around Vanessa. if Scott was crazy there wasn't any way Nate was just going to sit around when there was a chance Scott would hurt her. She was the only thing in his mind, nothing else mattered as he excused himself and picked up his water hurrying to make a call.

* * *

Two weeks had passed since she'd confronted her son's bitch of an ex girlfriend on matters she wished didn't exist. It was just ridicules that the low class whore wouldn't open up her Maybelline embellished eyes to see that what she was doing had the potential to run a family into the mud. Everything Anne had worked so hard to secure throughout her life was going to be lost all because some slut forgot to take her birth control a few times. Half of the women on the East Side had abortions by the time they were twenty that were easily covered up and pushed under the rug. Anne herself had never been through it but all three of her brothers had had girlfriends accidently knocked up and just as easily aborted without another question to it. William Vanderbilt had made sure of it. If there was one thing that William didn't tolerate it was a family scandal. What Nate had caused was bigger than a family scandal. Knowing he'd knocked up someone who came from a background with little to no class would prove to be a scandal to more than just the Vanderbilt name, the entire Upper East Side would have a field day knowing that while Howard Archibald sat in a jail cell Nate was off screwing some cheep bitch who was only out for money. At least, that's what Anne told herself, it was easier then admitting what her eyes saw whenever Nate looked at Vanessa.

She wasn't about to up and admit it seemed like her son did genuinely love Vanessa Abrams. It wasn't something that she'd actually wanted to admit. He was her son, her little boy, the only child she'd had left. Nate was the only thing that she had left, Anne had lost more than she could handle already. Losing both her son and money she'd worked so hard to keep wasn't something she wanted to deal with. She'd helped her father incriminate her husband just to protect her son. To keep the name a good name for him to have, to make sure he had the money to survive on. She'd done it all for him and only for him, every breath Anne took was just to protect her son. After losing her daughter she knew she couldn't lose another child.

Nate wasn't ready to be a father, she knew that. He was still her little boy, how would that mean he was anywhere near ready to be a father. He wasn't mature enough for it, her lacrosse playing party son, how could anyone of expected him to settle down and be a father. Nate hardly knew the first thing about fathers, his own hadn't ever been exactly poster dad. Anne knew her son wouldn't have been able to do it. She didn't want to see his blue eyes flash when he failed at it. Nor did she plan on having anything to do with the child that would take everything away from him. A child that would be born into a world where it wasn't really wanted shouldn't have been born at all. A child should have been treated like more than just a pawn in the game of life. A life should have been more important than that. It was obvious that by not discontinuing the pregnancy Vanessa was far from putting the child first. In Anne's opinion Vanessa didn't give a damn about the thing she was carrying inside of her.

Walking past her son's room she stood in the doorway of the shut door, the bedroom inside had gone through many changes in his life since it had been the nautical themed nursery eighteen years ago. Anne could still remember all of the early mornings she'd spent rocking her infant back and forth in front of the window for hours. He was her pride and joy after all. She would have done anything for her children, she'd tried to do all she could for her daughter. After Ruthie's passing Nate had become her top priority, she'd do everything she could to protect him. Even if it meant taking matters into her own hands she'd see to it that her son's life wasn't destroyed by some money hungry gold digger. Also, she wouldn't stand back and watch him destroy a child's life in the way that Howard destroyed his. She'd see to it that Nate never became his father. That included seeing to it that the child in question never got to that stage.

"…I'm fine Cora. I used Jane's entrance, Nate's on his way. I don't know, he said he had something he needed to tell me and he wanted to do it in person… no! Cora you can't say anything about the car accident. It was minor, something in Scott's text messages took him by surprise and when he looked up he swerved to avoid a car and hit the curb… Cora stop… the cramping isn't anything to worry about and I'm not bleeding. Yes, if anything changes I'll call… Ok, I have to go."

Anne sneers at the prior conversation and can't help herself in wishing that in the hours to come the 'simple' accident Vanessa had described to Nate's other low rent friend had horrid effects. Then her son wouldn't have been in the middle of the complicated mess he was in. Anne would have been able to breathe a little bit better at night. She knew that if something happened and Vanessa lost it Nate would get over it after a while, at least, that's what she did her best to believe. It wasn't like when she'd lost Ruthie, this wasn't a child it was just a mistake, Nate didn't know what true love really was yet. He'd had it with Blair but had been too blind to hold onto it. She should have tried a little bit harder to get the ring that sat on her left hand on Blair's finger before this mess had started. With the things that were in front of her now that was one of her top things to consider. She was sure Nate would get over it after a few weeks and he'd learn to see that it would have been nothing more than just a stupid mistake. Vanessa had been just a mistake.

"Jane, is that… oh"

The surprised look on Vanessa's face told Anne that she was just as excited to see her as Anne had been to see Vanessa. The sneer only took seconds to cross Anne's face as she sized up the girl in front of her. Evidence of her son's mistakes were standing right before her, not something Anne had wanted to see so late in the afternoon, not something Anne had wanted to see at all. She stood there wishing it to disappear with no luck. They both watched silently as Vanessa turned to pick up her bag off Nate's bed to attempt to rush past Anne and leave.

"Not so fast Vanessa"

When the name slipped from her mouth Anne felt herself shutter at it, not a pleasant sound. Vanessa and Nathaniel were two names that didn't sound right together Anne had decided from the very start. Vanessa didn't belong anywhere near her son. Even as Vanessa stood there with a hand over her face in attempts to calm herself down Anne didn't have any ounce of compassion for the girl. The girl in front of her had set out to ruin her life, Anne was sure of it. From the very first time their relationship had started Vanessa had been just a problem and nothing more. She'd even disgraced the staff in the house, people Anne had trained well. Jane had been told to address everyone as Ms. or Mr. and when Vanessa came along she'd asked Jane to call her Vanessa. That wasn't the way things worked on the East Side, clearly, she wasn't cut out to be a part of it.

"I really don't feel like dealing with you today"

Words out of Vanessa's mouth made Anne almost laugh, as if Anne felt like dealing with her. She wanted nothing more than for the girl to disappear into thin air. Vanessa rolled her eyes at the look on Anne's face and made another attempt to walk past her. Anne wanted a word, knowing that Nate was out for the next few hours yet she knew she had time to get what was on her mind out before he was home. She grabbed a hold of Vanessa's wrist and pushed her backwards with a little bit of force.

"Well I have a few things to say and you need to listen up. Since you obviously didn't hear my warning before you need to hear me this time, because, you're making a huge mistake. I know that it was you that changed Nate's mind and made him out his father to the police, and, it was you that made him break his deal to keep the money coming in. don't you see that you've wrecked his life enough. Why do you insist on destroying him further? Don't you care for him at all Vanessa?"

Bow blocking the doorway completely Anne watched as Vanessa backed up to Nate's bedroom window and looked out. Anne felt good, she was finally getting the words off of her chest that had been stuck in her throat since the realization had come that Vanessa was carrying Nate's child. the things she'd wanted to say since her son had gotten back together with the one person she despised for the fact that she changed Nate into someone she couldn't ever have made him. Someone good to wanted to be there for every moment and everything, Anne couldn't understand it. Why someone else had been able to change Nate into a real gentleman rather then it being the way he'd grown up.

"I've ruined his life? Anne, you're the one that allowed him to whore himself out to a deranged woman. You let him degrade himself to keep your own money. All for your selfish reasons Nate was miserable because he felt like it was his job to protect you. That should never be the job of your eighteen year old son just because you and your husband scammed other people. He shouldn't have all of that on his shoulders while on top of it he has the both of you pressuring him into doing well in school, getting into an ivy, and being everything that you're both not. How do you justify that one?"

The last thing Anne wanted to do was to listen to even a moment of what Vanessa was saying. Part of her knew that every word was right, she had done wrong by him. She hadn't given her only son the life he'd always deserved and now here she was with his girlfriend yelling at her the facts that she tried so hard to get away from. Anne was frustrated, with every word that Vanessa said Anne grew more and more frustrated. Before she actually knew what she was doing she'd picked up the vase off the shelf in Nate's room. The Vase that had at one time been her mother's, one thing that Nate had held onto, the red and blue hand painted blown glass Vase. Vanessa had her back to Anne, looking out the window and not paying attention when Anne threw it. The vase smashed into a million pieces beside Vanessa's shoulder scattering around shards all over the place.

Watching Vanessa, Anne, saw her grasp her arm and part of her wanted to faultier. Anne hadn't exactly meant to cause any harm, she'd only been releasing pent up anger. She saw the red line that streaked down Vanessa's arm as she pulled the glass shard from it and Anne winced, she'd never been good with blood. When Nate had been hurt that had always been the nanny's job to care for his injuries. Her hand went over her mouth as she walked forward a little more cautiously then she'd approached Vanessa before. Even if she didn't like the girl very much Nate wouldn't have been happy with the fact that she'd caused any harm to her. She reached out to place a hand on Vanessa's shoulder only for Vanessa to flinch away from her.

"Don't touch me"

Her voice was rough and bitter as she turned around one hand still on her wounded arm as Anne eyed her. She didn't fill with emotion at the pain of her arm like Anne had figured she would. Vanessa was un normally tougher than anyone else Anne had crossed paths with.

"I know that you've voiced your opinion on how carrying this baby is such a mistake to you but it's not your choice to make. Nate and I decided that there's no way in hell that we could end this. We tried Anne, I tried to follow your rules in your damn little game. I have a question for you though Anne, do you remember being pregnant with Nate? How about with Ruthie? Do you remember how any of that felt? That unexplained feeling that changes everything."

Soon as Ruthie's name had come from Vanessa's mouth Anne's hand had raised. She hadn't been able to stop it as her and connected with the side of Vanessa's face in a harsh crack. Both of their mouths were slightly agape as they looked at one another amazed at what she'd done. Vanessa's lip cracked as the blood started to fill it and the side of her nose. Anne was shocked by the reaction she herself had had to Ruthie's name being said. She hadn't meant to do it but surly it was too late to retract what she'd done. The blood had already literally been spilled. Anne stumbled a step back from her as Vanessa who still seemed to be frozen lifted her hand to her face to feel the crimson liquid that seeped from her mouth and nose and Anne noticed where her hand had been before. Still covered in blood from her arm her hand had rested over the partial bump. Looking at the red blood handprint against the white of her shirt made reality come to Anne. Vanessa really was pregnant and she was stuck on her decision without a question on it.

"Vanessa, I didn't…"

Anne was suddenly in hast to repeal her action, this wasn't the way anything should have been. She'd resorted to violence with Vanessa more then she had with her husband. She stood trying to finish her sentence as Anne started to pick up her bag again and make a fast exist to the door. Anne attempted to grab Vanessa again but quickly retracted her hand as Vanessa pushed past her and out the door of her son's bedroom. She didn't venture off to stop her before she left the house, with Anne's luck she'd of been the reason Vanessa fell down the stairs. Her son wouldn't ever forgive her for that.

With Vanessa gone from Nate's bedroom Anne took a seat on her son's bed. She looked around at all of the mementoes, some from his childhood, some from school. It was her little boy's room. She'd head him as he'd fallen asleep at night, she'd turned a blind eye as he'd gotten older and spent the night with girls in it. Regardless Nate was her son, her only living child. Soon she'd lose him if today's incident hadn't worked on that one already. He wasn't going to be happy about his grandmother's vase, but the fact that Vanessa was hurt would be even worse. She could see the man in him that she'd never found for herself, the man that every girl wanted to find. He was a gentleman, sweet, caring, loving, everything she'd wished he'd grow up to be as she'd rocked him in the rocking chair when he was an infant. Now her little boy was all grown up and expecting a child of his own. Regardless of financial issues and surrounding circumstances he was in some way happy. That's what had made her do it, made her rage take her over and her not be able to control her emotions. She was losing her little boy and she couldn't do anything to stop it anymore.

A sorrow filled tear slipped down Anne's cheek as she stood up from his bed running her hand along his quilt. She blamed herself for it all, if she'd just been a better mother then maybe she wouldn't have been sitting in the position she was in. she'd of much rather saw him off to a good college then watched him ruin his life to be a father so young. It wasn't that she didn't think highly of her son she just didn't think highly of family or fathers. Her own hadn't been exactly father of the year material. She didn't have much faith in fatherhood and she didn't want to see her son destroyed. No matter how guilty she felt over her fight with Vanessa it didn't change anything. they weren't ready and the child was going to suffer. Then, they'd both see the mistakes they'd made. When it was already far too late to fix it, when they'd both destroyed themselves and the child involved.

She touched the nautical lamp still on his draws, it was one of the only mementoes left in his room from when it was his nursery. She'd picked out everything that had been in the nursery without Howard of course. He never had been very involved in her pregnancy's. Nate wasn't ready to be picking out things for a nursery, he should have been decorating his dorm. Anne knew, somehow or someway she needed to find a way for there to be no baby. Both Vanessa and her son were far from ready to be parents. It was in their own best interests. She wasn't going to sit around and watch her child's life be destroyed by a stupid mistake.

* * *

It didn't take her long to rush up the stairs to the Humphrey loft out of breath and tired. She was through the door and past Rufus in seconds as she rushed straight to the bathroom to spit the blood in her mouth into the sink. Looking at her reflection in the mirror she cringed, her lip was split, her nose was bloody, her arm was still oozing enough to need stitches that she wouldn't go get, her white shirt was stained with blood. If Vanessa hadn't been shaken up enough by the car accident Scott had gotten them into by not paying attention the fight she'd had with Anne had made it even worse. Part of her questioned whether carrying the baby was worth all the misery that was coming along with it, how could it have been. With every cramp she'd felt made her feel worse than the thoughts, the thought of not having a choice in it felt worse. Rinsing her hands in the warm water she washed the wasted blood off of her hands and dried them on the towel beside her. She needed to sleep. Vanessa took a deep breath and looked down, she placed her hand in the exact spot the blood stain handprint was on her white shirt. Much as she tried not to think of it she saw Anne's point, part of her knew she was running Nate's life into the ground.

Sighing she slammed her fist against the wall after tearing it off of her shirt with haste. Why did every decision she had to make have to be so hard. She couldn't do anything about it though, every time she thought about how the outcome of the abortion a week ago could have come out she felt sick. Hearing the strong heartbeat and seeing the image on the screen while Nate was sitting there changed everything she thought she'd be ok with doing. Now she knew there wasn't a way she could have ended it, no matter how confusing her feelings were. They'd created it together and she couldn't just run away from it. Shutting off the running water she put her hand on the door knob to leave only to feel the door pushed open by someone on the other side.

"Dad said that you came this… woah, Vanessa what happened to you?"

Jenny stood in front of her while she crossed her arms. Jenny didn't know about the baby, she wasn't ready for Jenny to know. Even if she didn't voice it, it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out part of Jenny was still hung up on him. Vanessa knew he wasn't the easiest person to turn off feelings for. She was sure her pregnancy news wasn't going to be taken with open arms. She herself still wasn't sure about it most of the time. The only key was to take it all one day at a time, there wasn't anything more she could do about it.

"I got into a small argument with someone, not a big deal."

After a day at the beach, a perfect day at the beach this wasn't the way Vanessa had planned on ending her day. Coney Island had held many fond memories for Dan, Jenny, and Vanessa. Allison had taken them on her rare days of playing perfect mommy. Dan had almost put up a fight when she'd told him Scott was tagging along also. Vanessa swore it was only because of his own bromance with Nate. She'd worked him down from his cliff though. It hadn't been so bad other then the fact that Scott seemed to 'over brother' both Dan and Jenny. Vanessa figured it was only because Scott's older brother Andrew had been just like Ruby before he'd jumped into a lake drunk and never came back up. So Scott was just as used to being the responsible one as she was, that was one of the reasons she'd found herself attracted to him.

The beach had been beautiful, the water was perfect, the air was dry and slightly humid, and the company was good. She'd allowed herself to lay on the beach and get lost in the sun listening to the sound of the rolling ocean. Shorts and a semi flowy white shirt had been her beach attire. Just enough to stay cool and keep her secret from Jenny knowing. The accident had been the first thing to taint her good day and her arm still felt a little strained from it but it wasn't a big deal. Scott hadn't meant to hit the curb. Anne had just been the icing on the cake and all Vanessa wanted to do was to find her best friend and sleep away the rest of the day. She couldn't have been bothered to call Nate, she didn't know exactly what to say to him just yet. She defiantly going to tell him that she'd fought with his mother, Anne didn't deserve that no matter what she'd said.

"V, you have blood all over you. Ew, come on let's get you…"

Jenny shut her mouth and Vanessa heard it too as both the girls heads turned to the voice that was talking to a very hostel Rufus. Nate was looking for Vanessa, she shouldn't have been to surprised about it. He'd called her because he'd needed to tell her something. It had to have been pretty desperately important if Nate was willing to follow her anywhere just to tell her.

"Nate, I'm right here"

She called out with her eyes shut as Jenny's mouth opened in shock as she looked back and forth between the both of them with her mouth slightly agape. She watched at Nate turned to face them and part of Jenny wanted him to run straight to her and spin her around like the perfect Cinderella story. Rather than that happening she watched his mouth fall open in shock as his eyes landed upon Vanessa. She was a shock at first glance, Jenny would have given her that one. She looked like she'd been in a fight and the dried blood on her face didn't help lessen the shock very much.

"What the hell happened? Are you ok, are you…"

Vanessa nodded her head slightly as she bit her lip and didn't look at Jenny or Rufus's confused faces. She raised her head a little bit ducking at the confused and accusing looks as she walked forward and grabbed his arm pulling him to the door. The Humphrey loft was not the right place to have a conversation.

"I'll um… call later"

With a final look back over her shoulder she dragged a very confused Nate down the stairs and out to the warm early summer air.

* * *

Christinamarie – Well so far for them, yep, Dan can't leave his best friend alone, he cares for her way to much. Hope this chapter was good :D

Jen – Anne has her own emotions and thoughts to this, and as I sit here watching Handmaid's Tale the more I hate Anne, stupid kisfksjdf. Ok, calming down. Dan knows his best friend better then he knows himself at times. and well, better then she knows herself most of the time. :D I'm so relieved that that last part came out the way it was souposed to. Chuck and Nate is coming up pretty soon ;) there are a few things coming up first

Izzy – Goodness I can't wait to get more of this story out so I don't have to keep my mouth shut

Anne has a thing out for Vanessa, as you can see her emotions here. she's not my favorite person and I'm about ready to put her in a boat with Scott and sail them off to the middle of nowhere.

Blair and Nate aren't together anymore, as you can tell here. Writing Blair isn't something I do so well, I'm trying to stay away from it.

YOB is very very nearly done. Yellow on Blue is lyrics in a song by Something Corporate. The name of the song is she Paints Me Blue. I think I had my ipod on random that day. lol

Alexxxxx :D – you won't totally hate me if I don't respond a ton? I'm ten times more then scatterbrained right now, I blame it on Vanessa crying over… Dan! Lol much as I love this ep I wish it was Desperately Seeking Serena.

Heehee, I won't be surprised if I'm watching tonight and I do the same thing. Hm… perhaps it's a good thing I'm watching by myself so no one thinks I'm insane tonight.

I loveddd Karla's video and I agree, he's always smiling with her. The dimples are infectious. I can see Nate being more then totally comfortable around her, wherever she is, awwh, the thoughts make me squee even thinking about it. Side note, Scott in this chapter was totally unexpected to even me.

Dan loves her, as a best friend of course. They don't have to talk about things Nate knows her just that well. Everything about her he knows. That's why he knows her pain without her even talking about it. It's all in their looks for communication.

See sweetie Nate, he's he can always find his way back to being himself.

Not everyone knows about the baby but some people do. B doesn't for one. Anne's not happy as you can tell. It's just le sigh, a mess. Though next chapter is a little bit more of a calm break. ;) you'll see and I'll be asking for your help.

Mmm, you know how I feel about them keeping a baby at eighteen. Ok, going back to my season 1 marathon and bouncing around the house more than hyper for tonight. Oh! So I got galred at and whispered behind my back today because the back of my shirt says 'Team Vanessa' yeaa I know I'm just to coolest. Lol kidding. See farr to hyper. Ok, I'm done. ♥


	13. A Surprise End

Author's Note:

ok, I'm officially done battling my demons trying to get the Europe trip to stop throwing me plot bunnies that try to kill me in my sleep. Needless to say I'm writing and it's going to be in full Nate's POV I'm thinking right now. currently chapter one has 120 words it will have 1000 when I post it. We'll see, right now I just can't get it to go away so I'm writing it. as for this chapter it's intense and drama full and I think you'll like it. remember to drop me a review and leave me your thoughts. This past chapter elated me! You guys are the best but duh, you already know that. ok I'm gonna shut up no so you can read and I'm gonna go back to making some avi's cleaning my bedroom, and writing, lol I like multi tasking ;)

Enjoy!

-Manda

* * *

The moment his best friend's face was visible through the crowded air port a smile spread across Dan Humphrey's face as he rushed forward. She heard his name right away when he called out to her. Three weeks had been a long time for the pair to be apart. They hadn't spent three weeks separate since she'd moved back to the city. Three weeks with hardly any classes back and forth had proved tough for them both as he watched her let herself go from Nate's hand and rush forward to him. Nate had taken her for three weeks to Europe to get her away from the craziness, not that she knew a word of any of it. He caught her immediately and spun her around like a scene out of a movie. The only difference was she wasn't his soul mate she was his best friend. The best that he could have asked for, that was something he'd known since they were six. Since she'd watched him break his arm then pretended to video tape it with only a laugh of her telling him to 'suck it up' as he screamed in pain. They'd always been best friends even in the twisted ways their friend ship started out. He hugged her tightly as he stopped spinning her and put her back down on her feet beside Nate as she still clung to him, her arms tightly around his neck.

"I missed you V"

Kissing her cheek Dan backed away for a second, their hands still held together tightly as he looked her over. Her skin was golden caramel from all of the sun she'd taken in throughout Europe. Her hazel eyes showed an almost peaceful happiness as her smile graced her face. the cut on her arm had turned slowly into a scar he could see as he looked her over, inspecting that Nate had returned her in one piece just as he'd asked. Of course Dan knew the real reason behind the scar on her arm, but he wasn't all that worried about Anne. Even if she had a heart of stone she still had to have a heart somewhere in her chest. He also knew that she refused to tell Nate about it, something that he didn't understand. Anne had attacked her, Nate had every right to know about it. She was Vanessa though, her words stood for more than anyone else's. for whatever reason Vanessa was trying to protect him more then he deserved. Dan was there to help with whatever his best friend wanted, no matter what it was he was the one there for her to be dependent upon.

"I missed you too! What are you doing here? I thought you were with your mom?"

Stepping back and letting go of his hands he continued to look her over. His eyes only noticed it once Nate's arm had wrapped back around her and to cling tighter right under her stomach. It was unmistakable then, clear as day that it was just a little bit more then weight gain yet so easily covered up with a loose shirt. He still had a hard time believing that she was actually doing it. It made her both more stupid and braver to him. Trying to do something that she herself hadn't ever had a great show of, mothers weren't something either of them was very big on. Gabriela and Allison weren't exactly prime examples of what to do right. She was going into it completely blind.

"I wanted to come see you first. Three weeks is a long time to be without your best friend. Besides, pretty soon the alien is going to take over all of your time. I'm heading up to my mom's after this. Jen's already there."

Dan smirked as he looked at her. His Vanessa was back as she playfully hit his shoulder with slight force. They both laughed as she shrugged her shoulders slightly but even with her tainted slight sad eyes he could see it even if she couldn't, he could see the smile that lay under her nerves. He'd always been able to see thing things about her she hadn't been able to see herself.

"Nate, um… it's still no better, I don't know if you want to…"

The shrill ring of Nate's cell phone as the harmony of his grandfather's tone run g out shut them all up as Vanessa's confused eyes turned to look up at Dan. Nate partly nodded his head before releasing Vanessa and silently excusing himself to go tend to his phone. Dan knew he was in trouble soon as he turned back to look at her, standing there with her hands on her hips waiting for a response as to what he'd been talking about. If anyone knew better than keeping Vanessa in the dark it was Dan. he knew as soon as he looked at her and she'd asked he'd spill everything he knew regardless if Nate thought it was a bad idea or not.

"Daniel Johan Humphrey what is going on?"

She raised an eyebrow as she middle named him and put her hands on her hips waiting for her to explain. As he looked at her he attempted to figure out some way to get around it but there wasn't one. Besides, in Dan's past experience it was better to just be up front with her. She'd be somewhat less mad that way.

"I'm just going to come right out with this because I think the guy is an asshole and I don't want to see anything happen to you. Scott's my half brother and he's been stringing you along. He's dangerous Vanessa and you need to be careful."

It was evident in her eyes just how fast she processed the information and he watched her hands ball into fists. She wasn't happy, he hadn't expected her to be. Vanessa didn't like to be kept in the dark. He'd warned Nate she'd react that way. Nate had taken it upon himself to make sure everything was alright before he told her. That wasn't going to work, they should have known her better than that.

"Wait a second! He knew about this and this is why he took me away isn't it? And you let it happen? Dan what the hell where you think… Rufus! Your dad has to be going crazy. How could you not tell me? You know what, forget it. I don't want to know. And right now I don't want to hear an explanation out of your mouth or from his. I'll call later"

She tore her wrist out of his grasp before he could tell her anymore and he knew better then to make a scene, she would have flipped out. Vanessa didn't like to be called to with attention of everyone else around her. Dan would just have to make sure Nate went after her. It wasn't like Scott was even in the city anymore, he couldn't have been. No one had seen him in a week and Gossip Girl surly had reported if she had.

* * *

Scott was enraged and partly out of control. His girlfriend had unexplainably been missing for three weeks without so much of a phone call. When he'd woken up first thing in the morning to a voice mail saying she'd be back in the states soon he'd felt his blood boil. He didn't like to be in the dark, he'd spent almost twenty years of his life in the dark and here she was being just like the rest of them. He didn't tolerate that very well. Scott had a bit of a temper that he couldn't control very well. Andrew had seen the best of that when they'd been sailing. Three years older Andrew, Drew had always been his best friend, they were brothers. When the words slipped from Andrew's mouth that Scott was adopted Scott flipped. Before he knew what he was doing he'd pushed Andrew overboard. He'd known when he heard the motor of the boat stall and bang like something had been stuck in it that he'd done something that he couldn't ever take back. it was a good thing they'd been drunk and high or the charges of underage drinking and possession could very easily have been murder. Yes, Scott had killed his brother and he knew it. Since then he'd been in dozens of fights and other misdemeanors. With this situation of being lied to he felt the same emotions of rage that he'd felt that cool morning sailing with his adoptive brother. There was something in Scott that made him tick.

Things hadn't ever been bad for Scott, he was just a kid with an angry tempter and a deceptive manor to him. He'd always felt like something was missing in his life. Being told he was adopted after living his full life up to eighteen years till the truth had come out. He was upset with everyone that surrounded the case, he'd been lied to for his whole life regardless of his feelings or the way things should have been. Thinking you were one person only to find out your someone else doesn't provide a person with the greatest sense of self. Scott had spent days after the accident and after the truth had come out telling himself that it wasn't his fault. Something he knew very well to be a bold faced lie.

Coming to New York he'd had one thing on his mind, revenge. He'd done enough research and observed enough in the past year to know exactly who they all were. Lily, Rufus, Dan, Serena, Eric, Jenny, and even Vanessa, they were all under his watchful eye. He'd taken a semester off from Boston University and lied to his parents and said he was deferring to transfer to NYU. He thought that would work, that he'd be able to watch them quietly, get close, and then figure out his final plan. He hadn't ever meant to get close to any of them. Vanessa was just another pawn in his game in the beginning. She was someone who was close to Rufus, Jenny, Dan, and even a friend of Serena. He'd figured she'd be the best person to use to get into the middle of them. Then he slowly realized how fragile she was, how the tough front she put up had a very deep crack in it. He hadn't expected to actually feel something for her. She was unknowingly beautiful, partially broken beyond her own realization, and deeply in need of someone to renew her trust in everything. He might not have been the best person for the job but it sure as hell meant he was going to try. She just couldn't learn who he was before Scott was ready to tell her himself.

Someone had found him out, he'd found out three weeks before. The same day his girlfriend had taken off for god knew where for three weeks. Getting that text message he's contemplated a car accident, killing all four and a half people in the vehicle he was driving. Instead he'd run them into a curb, enough to shake them up. She'd been the reason he'd stopped. He'd watched her in the mirror the entire drive since she'd insisted on sitting in the back with Dan. he'd watched his 'brother' teasingly pull at her hair and poke her stomach. He'd listened to Dan mocking her about the 'alien' that she was carrying. It was a genuine smile on Vanessa's face. She was content and happy. The part of him that was so partial to her couldn't cause something that would have destroyed her. Something he wouldn't have seen her perfect smile again for. Regardless of how much he despised the fact that she was pregnant he could see her smile and lay a hand across her stomach when she thought no one else was looking. He just wished there was a way to destroy it without her feeling so lost. If he could have figured that out it would have been one of the first things he did without a question to it. Scott never saw himself as cruel, he was just a realest who saw the way that things should have been.

He had a list of people he despised in the city that wasn't just restricted to Rufus and Lily. Serena and Eric had made that list due to the careless and free way they'd grown up. He'd read the magazines, they had hardly any restrictions when it came to morals or wants. At least, that's what he'd gathered from Serena. Eric on the other hand seemed a little more dark and human like. Jenny was quite obviously a wannabe bitch, not quite like Serena but under far too strict of rules to be her so far. The, there was Dan, Dan seemed like a bit of a pompous ass from day one. Even his story Scott had picked up in the paper carried an air of arrogance. A story that in Scott's eyes was twisted beyond belief, his brother and sister had hooked up. Well that would be a new one for therapists and talk shows. His father was some washed up musician raising two kids and his mother was a whore of a socialite who married men only for their money. The life he could have been born into sounded like a bad television comedy. Of course mentioning the people he had a strong distaste for Nathaniel Archibald made the top of the list. A guy that had hooked up with Serena, made a play for Jenny, and knocked up Vanessa. Scott wasn't his biggest fan to say the least in it all. He despised the guy more than most would have. That was one of the reasons that made him disagree with Vanessa's choices even more. A child of his shouldn't have been anywhere near existence, not if it was already doomed from the beginning.

All of it went through his head as he contemplated everyone and all of their issues in his head. Sitting at Vanessa and Ruby's apartment he looked around at all the things. He'd picked the lock since she hadn't been home yet. That had been a week ago. He'd expected her to have been home waiting for him to get there. The lock did just as well, if she was doing anything behind his back he would have caught her. It's not like her drunk of a sister was ever home anyway. The photos around the apartment were of Ruby and her friends, of Vanessa and Dan, or of Vanessa with Nate. Those were the ones Scott could have smashed upon seeing. He restrained himself though, he was trying to do better when it came to that. It was due to him putting Vanessa's needs before his own. Something Scott wasn't very good with but he was trying. For her he was trying.

Scott had been hiding in Vanessa and Ruby's apartment for a week, no one had thought to look for him there as he was sure they'd been looking for him. Lily and Rufus had both attempted to talk to him and it hadn't gone so well. He hadn't wanted to hear what they had do any about the adoption or their thoughts on how crazy he was. his was just disappointed, things had strayed far from what his life had been and it was a shock. So he'd barricaded himself in Vanessa's apartment. She was his girlfriend; she would have understood it all. He knew she had to.

Consumed in his own thoughts of how to do things and how things shouldn't have been done he hadn't heard her door shut or her walk in. it wasn't till she was standing right in front of him suddenly staring at him in idol shock that he knew she was there.

"How did you get in here?"

Her voice was strong but almost shaking as she stood there looking at him wide eyed. The fear in her eyes alone told him that she knew what he'd been accused of in the past. What he knew he'd done. Not just that but she knew he'd lied to her about who he was. He wasn't just some simple kid who'd grown up in a two parent family, watched his brother and only sibling destroy himself, and had great friends. She knew he wasn't anything much like her. His mind started to go over who had told his secret and he started to drive himself crazy as she stood there waiting for a response from him. A response from his mouth wasn't coming when his mind hadn't yet processed the words she'd said.

"Scott, I said, how the hell did you get in here? My sister's away and we don't have a spare key."

Her voice full of resentment and anger made him slip from his coma like state to finally look at her. He could actually see it when he looked at her, the small bump that protruded slightly over the top of her short shorts and under her tank top. The fact that she didn't care any longer to hide it from the outside world made him seethe that much more.

"I see it's becoming more and more obvious that you're pregnant. Did you run away so they wouldn't call you a whore? I'm sorry I didn't mean that."

Standing up Scott started to get closer to her as Vanessa backed closer to the door making Scott raise an eyebrow. She wasn't acting like the Vanessa he'd fallen for, she was acting like the rest of the sorry ass people who'd judged him for the things he hadn't meant to do. Just like Rufus who had cornered him to talk before he'd run off and still had yet to look back. As he'd observed Rufus wasn't what he'd been looking for, he didn't need yet another father figure to lie to him about everything. He still got closer to Vanessa standing only inches away from her, her back pressed up against a wall.

"You knew you were Rufus and Lilly's child and you never bothered to tell me. I don't like liars Scott, I think you'd better leave because right now you're not one of the people I want to see. So go, go before you do something that we'll both regret. Dan's my best friend and Rufus has been like a second father to me over the years, I don't like people screwing with them just for their own benefits. Rufus and Lily did what they knew was best for you. I'm sorry that it's not the way you would have wanted it but that's what happens some…"

Vanessa didn't get a chance to get the rest of her sentence out as Scott's hand wrapped around her neck and slammed her backward to the wall with as much strength as he could, tightening his grip around her neck as he held her in place. Fear came to a bubble in Vanessa's eyes as Scott held on without letting go, squeezing her throat tightly so that Vanessa couldn't breathe or gasp for air. Her every emotion had rung dry as he held her back with such blaring force her eyes were wide and she had to have been shaking. Vanessa hadn't ever been so afraid in her life.

When he started to ease up Vanessa unfroze from her shocked state as she felt him get closer to her, his hand still loosely around her throat as he leaned in to kiss her. Scott himself knew that she was going to flip out when he released her, his mind told him he just needed to make her comfortable enough to trust him again. He hadn't expected her knee to come up and sharply paralyze him where it hurt most as he tore his hands from her neck to keel over in pain as she fell to the ground in a harshly breathing mess.

She scrambled to her feet, hands against her throat so fast she could hardly think of what she was doing or where she was going she just needed to get out of there and get away from him as fast as she could. She couldn't even take a second to see what her eyes had connected with while he'd held her life against her. Her sister's kitten laying on the floor with a steak knife through some part of it. The thought made her shutter and rush faster accidently skipping a few bottom steps and falling to her knees as she attempted to get out of the building as fast as her legs would go. She could hear him moving around upstairs as she finally got through the door and frantically tried for a cab rather than the subway. Her life hung in the balance of her getting out and getting as far away from him as she could have.

* * *

_Dear my beautiful, smart, loving son,_

_I just need to start this off by telling you that I love you. So much more then you know or can even imagine. Leaving you is something I already regret but doing it this way is the only way I can. Taking my own life is the only way to make everything better. Through the past eighteen years Nate, you have been everything in the world that matters to me. Looking at your big blue eyes day after day when you were little and even now has always been exactly what I needed to make the stresses of life as thin as smoke. When I looked into those eyes I always saw my little boy I took home from the hospital that day, the same one that gave me stick candy kisses after running around with lollypops after I told him not to. I love you Nathaniel and I don't think I have ever said that enough. I've never told you exactly how proud of you I am and that is something I deeply regret. Seeing you graduate and knowing you've been accepted to both Colombia and USC show just how well you've grown up and how smart you've become. I'm so sorry I've never praised you enough for that. In every instance I've seemed to pull out the bad. Like finding your father's drugs I never should have blamed you for it without hearing your side of things first. I hope you can find that in you to forgive me for. I've never been the type of mother that you deserve Nate, but you've made me so proud. I know the same words stand for your father also. I know that had he been alive he would have done everything remotely possible to be at your big day with us also. There are so many things I would go back and do if I had the chance, so many things that have turned out to be so much less than fair to you over the years._

_I tried to provide you with everything and somewhere through the years I lost track of what you really needed, family. Believe me, that's something I regret every day. I miss watching you and your grandmother walking around in her garden and picking the flowers. You used to look so little compared to the sunflowers she kept. I know you miss her, and I'm sorry about the vase in your room. I know it was one of the only mementoes you had of her. I know that if she were still here she'd be proud of you too. You lit up her life Nate, you lit everyone's life. We were the ones that shouldn't have taken it for granted as much as we all did. your father included in that. Thinking back on it now there were so many times we could have done more family things. We could have shown you we were better parents then what we were, all that we could have been. But we didn't do that before, and it's too late to go back and right our wrongs._

_As for what I've done now Nate, I'm sure you're less than thrilled with me and I don't blame you for that. taking my own life was something that I needed to do for myself. Every day I wake up and see someone that I don't know anymore, someone that I don't want to know anymore. I don't like the person that I've become over the years Nate, I don't like lying to you and everyone around me. I miss your father terribly and I'm hoping that by doing this I'll be reunited with Ruthie. It doesn't sound fair when it's just written out without a real explanation but Nate, I know you're going to be ok without me. She's given you a reason to live and be happy. She'd given you more already then your father and I ever did it seems. Because when she's in the room there's a smile that I haven't seen since your father took time out of his day to play basketball with you when you were nine, before you learned that he stuck by his expectations for you even when he didn't stand up for his own obligations. She makes you smile and for a very long time it was the last thing I wanted to admit. I'm your mother, we don't ever want to think of the times when little boy they'd done everything to raise happy and healthy comes home with a girl that now owns more of a piece of his heart then even you own anymore._

_This is hard even to write out but she's good for you Nate, and from what I can see you're good for her too. I can tell she didn't tell you what I did because I know you better then not saying anything. That alone shows that she's much more of the person I never was. I was the one that threw your grandmother's vase, I also reacted to her in ways I'm far less then proud of. I never meant to hurt her, I just lost control and it is something that I now deeply regret. She didn't deserve it; you both have enough to deal with. I understand that it was unexpected, and I'm sorry that I called her the things that I did. I know she wasn't trying to do the things that I accused her of trying to do. I see now that this wasn't something she did deliberately and she's just as afraid and unsure as anyone would be given the same situation._

_I still think that it's too early for the both of you to have to do this. You both have so much ahead of you and this is going to stand as a road block in both of your futures. It's not a very easy job as you can tell and I can't bear to think of it breaking either one of you. You both deserve so much more then what this is going to provide you with. I'm so sorry Nate but I can't watch any of this happen to you. It's not what you need and I'm not going to change my mind on that. This isn't me saying that you can't handle it and that you'll do the same job that your father and I have done. I know that that won't happen, both of you are more of the people then your father and I ever were. I know you'll do the best you can Nate, but this is a very big responsibility that I don't think you're ready for. One that you shouldn't have to be ready for a very long time, I just wanted better for you Nate. It sounds like the same thing all parents say for their children but you'll understand. Unfortunately it'll be sooner rather than later for you. I'm sorry Nate, I just didn't want this for you._

_Please let her know that I know it's not her fault despite what I might have said to her. Also, she's hardly showing still, (please don't be upset, Don was only watching over the both of you to make sure everything was alright) that's the way I carried with Ruthie. My bets on it being a girl. I just hope she's half as strong as the both of you are. I also hope she's healthy, god knows you two already have enough to deal with. Something being wrong with her is the last thing you need._

_I'm so sorry for everything I've done to you Nate. I hope that someday you can forgive me and all of this. I'm just glad that I know that you're going to be taken care of, if there's anything that I'm sure of it's that you'll be ok. I wouldn't have done this otherwise. I know that your father and I never had the perfect marriage but I miss him Nate. At least when he was sitting in a jail cell I knew I could go see him. But since his death nothing has been the same. Seeing you grow up before my eyes isn't helping that either. This is something I did for me, to make things alright for me. I know your grandfather isn't going to be very happy, he'll tell you it's just one more thing he needs to cover up. But I need this Nate. Just always remember that I love you, I always have and I always will. Don't ever doubt that and the last thing I want you to do right now is blame yourself. You didn't do any of this Nate. And you're going to be ok._

_I'm so sorry for everything that I've done to you Nate, one day, in a very long time we'll be together again. You, me, your father, and Ruthie. Someday after you've lived your full life. Take care of yourself Nate, yourself, Vanessa, and that baby she's carrying. You're everything I was always afraid to be my son. Keep your head up and remember who you are and you'll be just fine. I love you_

_Love,_

_Mom_

Reading through the Note the officer had handed him Nate dropped it to the ground placing his head in his hands. Even after reading the letter he couldn't figure out how his mother could have done it to him. His father had hardly been dead two months and already he'd have to bury his mother next. At least Chuck had had years in between rather than having to do them one in back of the other. Everything felt like it was moving so fast and Nate couldn't breathe. There was one thing his mother had been right about, Vanessa was the best thing that had happened to him. He knew that she'd be what he through all of his energy into to get through all of the hardships that were thrown his way. As the last few officers picked up the last of the evidence and his grandfather chatted away on his cell phone to someone or other Nate wished that someone was there for him. He wished they hadn't fought and she'd just gone home with him. He would have felt better if she'd been there to squeeze his hand. Soon as she called she'd come straight over, he knew that.

His mind was so focused on what his mom had done and how he was going to get by without her his mind was too preoccupied to think of Scott or the fact that nether Rufus nor Lily had seen or heard from Scott in over a week. it had been bothering him since Serena had reported it, that why Nate had tried so hard to keep Vanessa from coming back home. After finding out about Andrew Nate had done everything he could to keep Vanessa as far from Scott as he could. She and the baby had been his top priority up till the plane had landed and his grandfather had called claiming emergency. There was too much in Nate's life going on for him to think of it all at once.

The very rasped out sound of someone who's throat was already strained tore Nate from his thoughts soon as he'd heard it. Nate turned his head expecting one of the officers coming to say that they were leaving now but the image he saw completely shocked him. Her neck was beat red and there were partial finger prints that he could make out without question. Nate didn't even have time to react as she stumbled a little bit and nearly stumbled into his lap as he put his hands on her hips to pull her onto him before she fell. His heart that had already been quickened before suddenly skipped a few beats. Her breathing was erratic and fast as Nate's intense eyes caught Jane's and he watched Jane hurry to get her water.

"V… hey, baby look at me"

There wasn't anything else in his mind other then what was right in front of him, she was the only one his mind thought of, the only thing he couldn't get past. As Jane rushed back Nate touched the finger prints gently and even that made her wince. Soon as Jane was back over with the cold glass of water he nudged Vanessa gently till she sat up a little more and took the glass to take a sip with her shaken hands. Her face wasn't stained with tears like anyone else would have been, her eyes more showed regret than anything else. He wanted for five minutes for her not to be as tough as she always was. Holding it all in wasn't good for her. As he finished the thought in his mind something else occurred to him. Holding it all in wasn't good for her but it wasn't good for the baby either. How something so important had skipped his mind for even the slightest of moments he didn't know. As she sat on his lap drinking the water he moved his hand from her shoulder to just gently resting against her small stomach in question of it all.

Feeling her slip her hand over his to squeeze his hand over her stomach he leaned his head against her shoulder and let out a relieved breath. At least one thing of importance was perfectly alright. There wasn't a question to Vanessa being a fighter as she put the glass down beside her and he caught it as her eyes drifted to the note beside them. His mother had written his name in her best cursive, then, after she'd shot herself she had to have touched the note because her blood had smeared all over the front. The thought of it made him suddenly stop and shutter. His brain and reflexes didn't work fast enough as she picked up the note in her weak hand and began to read it. He could tell it didn't take her more than a few seconds to get through the first few lines as she dropped the note and turned to look at him, her face completely written over with worry suddenly. The regret was coasted over with worry, worry for him.

"Nate"

As raspy and hardly there as her voice was he could hear the compassion and worry it would have been laced with if her throat didn't feel like it was lit on fire. He felt her hand lift from his that was place over her stomach in her disarray way of sitting. As he went to object he felt both of her hands suddenly placed on the sides of his face as she leaned her forehead down against his. Silently his mind mentally traced the marks around her neck, he could see how tight they were and he knew exactly who they'd come from without even having to question it.

* * *

"Vanessa, V, wake up please?"

Hearing his voice break through her foggy hazy sleep state her body jumped and she felt him tighten his hand on her stomach as like a reflex. Tonight, his hand hadn't strayed very far from her stomach. She could tell it was to assure him that the three of them were ok; nothing would happen so long as he was there. Sleep hadn't been the easiest of things to come by on a night as the one it was. Between his mother's suicide and Scott strangling her neither one of them had taken sleep very easy. He'd spent almost two hours rubbing circles on her stomach before she'd settled into a very light sleep, light was putting it as an understatement. Hearing his voice had brought it all rushing back as her hazel eyes blinked right open only to close again with haze a second later. She didn't want to be awake, sleep called her, pulling her in tighter. Vanessa felt like she'd just shut her eyes and already he was poking and prodding her to get up. She tried to figure out if hours could have really gone by that fast or if he was just being a pain.

"Vanessa, are you up?"

Her eyes blinked open again as she peaked out of one at the time on the night stand. 2:57, the numbers stood out to her as she remembered the last time she'd looked at the clock the time had read 2:32. A complaint from deep in her sore throat came out as she rolled from one side to the other to face him. As always resisting his perfect puppy dog blue eyes was nearly impossible as they locked eyes and he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. She could see all the hurt in his face, how much betrayal he felt by both of his parents. There were so many things she wanted to say to him, things she wanted to do, but, it just wasn't the night for any of it.

"Mmm"

She almost non verbally complained as she started to close her eyes again only to feel him press his lips to the bone right under her left eye. Once again her eyes opened as she recognized one of the ways he'd always gotten her up in the past. She didn't bother to hide the yawn as she looked at him silently waiting for him to open his mouth again. Vanessa hadn't ever been one to be woken up from sleep, especially when she was overtired. Tonight, Nate had a habit of doing everything he could to keep her awake.

"I think we should have had your head checked, he slammed you up against that wall pretty hard V, what if you have a concussion?"

Overprotective with good reason but it still wasn't enough to make her want to wake up and function. It had been a long day and all Vanessa wanted was to lay in his arms and forget that it existed for a little while. His arms were the only thing she wanted to think about, that and sleep for a few hours. She started to shut her eyes again not bothering to agree or disagree to his questions as a little bit of fluttering made her eyes snap open and her eyes squint a little as she attempted to figure out exactly what she'd felt. The strange sensation she didn't quite recognize. Feeling the tiny flutter again she felt a surge anxiety and amazement through her as she turned onto her back causing Nate to sit up in alarm. Her eyes shut and she blew out a breath of air as her hand made a path down her abdomen to where she'd felt the tiny flutter.

There was still a part of her that wanted to forget it and pretend she hadn't felt anything. Just because it had been thirteen weeks since she'd gotten the positive test and eighteen weeks since it had been conceived she still had a problem remembering that it was real. Even as the evidence protruded a little more every week part of her still wanted to run away and pretend it wasn't going on. There was still a part of her that couldn't help but think that maybe if she'd gone through with the first abortion everything would have been different, everything would have been fine. Those were the thoughts that made her feel sick to her stomach. Her mind tried harder to figure out how she could think that about something that meant so much to her at times. her thoughts were doing the best to eat her alive and she almost forgot why she'd started to think in the first place till Nate's voice once again interrupted her.

"What's the matter? Is something wrong with…?"

She felt almost guilty when his hesitation to say the word made her smile. Had he said baby she would have thought more than before that something was wrong with her. The word sent chills up her spine whenever she thought of it. Four letters made it real. Soon as the words slipped from his mouth she felt it again, the sensation that had started her off to begin with. A few seconds later it stopped again and she opened her eyes to look at him, a coy smile spreading across her face as she shook her head.

"You can't be serious"

Partly she laughed to herself in disbelief as she stayed silent for a moment waiting for the movement. When there was nothing she looked at him and shook her head as his panicked face looked at her like she was nuts. She watched him silently still waiting as she bit her lip for a moment before giving up. It was obvious what the whole thing was about already. Someone already knew how to play favorites it seemed. If that really had been what she'd felt. Part of her was in the middle of doubting it.

"Nate, say something"

Watching her carefully he didn't listen to her right away as he just looked at her not knowing what she was talking about. She could see he was starting to think that she'd been more hurt then she'd cared to admit before.

"Vanessa you're starting to…"

Her hand was over his mouth seconds after the first few words left it. Just as she'd thought she would, she felt the tiny fluttering just like she had before, it was real and it was there. Vanessa did the best she could to get rid of the realization nerves that threatened to make moment more than tainted. For the moment she was going to do all she could to pretend they were worry free and unlike what Anne had mentioned in her goodbye letter that the odds weren't against them both.

"Say something again"

Taking his hand she looked into his deep blue eyes doing everything she could to mask the nerves and distrust in herself disappear from her own. She just took his hand and glided it to the spot where she'd felt the last little jolt. To the left a little lower then her belly button, that was where it had been.

"Vanessa I really don't get what… was that just?"

Sure enough soon as he'd opened his mouth the movement had been made again under his hand this time. There wasn't any getting around the fact that it was real with the proof that thumped right under their hands, right under her skin. She could see it in his eyes that part of him was unsure too. The kicks made it all that much more real, that much scarier when it proved the fact that there really was a baby in the middle of it all. She knew part of him wanted to run too, just the way she'd wanted to too. Then there was the part of the both of them that was relieved that everything was alright. After all of the stresses that the day had brought with it all three of them had survived through it. A part of them that knew the baby was what showed them they both needed to keep pushing ahead and going for it. The realization made her shutter a little bit as her eyes stayed completely locked with his. Then there was something there, something that stopped her and made her straighten up and made her need more as he started to lean down to her mouth and she never once objected. Instead when his lips brushed her own she put her hands through his hair and pulled him closer to her making the kiss deeper. He was as careful and delicate with her as he could be as he rolled on top of her using his forearms to keep him propped up in order to hardly to touch her other then brushing up against her. Her head was carefully between his arms as he continued to kiss her, breaking his lips from hers and tracing long needed kisses down her neck and collarbone against the blue of her tank top. His kisses were tender and gentle as they were over the bruises and abrasions left from Scott's finger prints. They were marks that made him tense and angry every time his eyes caught them. Her hands gripped around his bare chest as if it were the end of the world only this time it held passion rather than reliance, because he was what she needed not just what she wanted.

"I love you"

They both knew it was three words she couldn't comply with saying back but it was a feeling that was more than mutual. It was even more proved by the flutter that he too felt against his stomach making a smile come to both of their faces that was slightly unexpected on both parts. It might have been slightly tacky in both of their eyes but she couldn't have felt much better as he trailed a line of kisses down her tank top to pull it up above her belly button.

"And you too squirt"

He whispered receiving a few more guppy kicks as he placed an open mouthed kiss straight to the spot reminding Vanessa of a tacky television show. She couldn't have cared, after the day they'd both had they needed something that wasn't dark or depressing and oddly enough something had seemed to listen to them. Then his words registered in her head and a small laugh escaped from her lips as she shook her head breaking the serious moment.

"Squirt? Ok, now if you start saying dude I warn you ahead of time that I'm burning Ele's Nemo dvd."

They both laughed as the baby kicked in response and Vanessa sighed and looked away. It was hard to believe something so simple could feel so good after the day they'd had. Even with all of the complications and mistakes that still hung in the air everything was alright for the moment. As Nate rolled back onto his side Vanessa snuggled closer to him as he wrapped his arms around her. They'd find a way to make it alright. She felt him kiss her forehead as she her eyelids become heaver again as she gave into temptation and fell into a light sleep. Her whole body felt comfortable and relaxed as he held her close to him. There wasn't another spot in the words she'd of rather been or he'd rather of had her. The kiss proved to her that every emotion was still between them and he'd felt it too. Things might have been complicated and messy but there wasn't any mistaking what it felt like to be close to one another, to have one another to remember how to breathe again. Even as she fell deeper into sleep she knew that with him she was safe, there wasn't a way he'd of let anything happen to her.

* * *

ChristinaMarie712 – well after this chapter I'll let you make your own assumptions of how crazy Scott is, I'm not sure, what do you think? Lol and, after seeing him on the screen and my best friend pointing out that he looked like Adam Lambert I'm in no rush to see him again. Anne, well, as you can tell she's not someone to worry about anymore. Jenny on the other hand is someone I don't like very much so we'll see how she takes things. Everyone will start to find out very very soon.

Jen – Scott is creepy, very very creepy and he's more dangerous than Anne ever was. I think he most defiantly comes from Lily's side… don't you? He's got Ceecee in him. Jenny and the others will come up very shortly. Though I do have to warn you that I'm not a very big Jenny fan to be honest and as for clothes, well, you'll see.

Francesca – I think I've mastered this whole empathy thing 8-)

As for the baby it's tough like she is, much tougher then it's father that's for sure. We'll see, they have quite a few more tests coming up.

Izzy – oh darling :D

Yea, he has some unresolved issues that he needs to have sorted out, I'd say he takes after Ceecee. A little bit out of his mind.

Anne's not a problem anymore now is she? Though there are other people who don't want to see this baby in existence to it's not exactly out of the woods yet.

I'll try my best to be nice to Jenny, even if I don't like her. I'll do it for your benifit. lol

Layla Persnickety – :D hope this one was filled with just as much, don't worry, Drama is in full stock and you'll like what I have in store. I'm pretty sure anyway. Your review put a huge smile on my face, thank you so much, I try to make them as human as I can. I'm so glad I succeed, hmm perhaps this sort of worked for Scott too.

Pagan-Angel13 – What they want to do and what they feel they should do are two completely different things. They both have a lot to think about and a lot to work on that's still going to take time yet.

Dan knows the best of Vanessa whether she knows it herself or not. He's like her other half only more judgmental and cynical. His reaction on Scott will be soon and after this chapter I'm going to say that he even less then likes his brother very much. Anyone that can hurt his best friend like that regardless if their blood or not doesn't get the time of day.

Well, I don't think Anne will be a very big issue anymore, she can't exactly push Vanessa around from the grave. Besides, she's come to see just what Nate feels for her and the child she's carrying she doesn't agree but before he death she at least saw.

Even if Jenny and Vanessa aren't as close as they'd once been Vanessa still doesn't want to hurt her and she knows the news that she has will hurt Jenny perhaps more than Vanessa's hurt her in the past.

I don't think Nate will allow him within five feet of Vanessa after what he's done to her now.

Empathy is a very strong feeling and I just love to invoke it, I hope this chapter did the same as the rest of them :D

Now, if only I could promise Squirt would be healthy and happy that would be great. To promise IT's even going to be born would be great now wouldn't it? But IT (having a hard time not writing the real thing is killing me here) still has twenty-one weeks left to go and a ton of people that don't want to see it alive. Poor thing.

ALEX! – so did Scott come off just as well? Not that there is really any way to make him anywhere near justified because well, he has no morals and he's frustrating. I don't know, I can't make myself like him. Hope this chapter was just as intense enough for you. ;)

NCBS always seem to be best friends regardless of what they do to each other. They've all shared everything including one another o.O lol that sounds so twisted when it's written out. And, at least they have things in the past that keep them together because without that I'm pretty sure none of them would have had anything to go on when it came to one another.

Lol there are many reasons suddenly I'm going to quiver whenever I see Scott on the screen come September. But this, this just takes the cake. He's ruthless and cruel in this chapter even if he doesn't quite mean it. That's the Van der Woodsen in him, he has some unresolved hissues that need to be sorted out. You really like it coming out through the RL fighting thing? :D yea it was just a random though I thought might be a good idea. I could see it in my head and it totally worked out the way it should have. Yay!

Anne was a very twisted person who should have perhaps taken more anti depressants then she did throughout her life. She watched her world fall apart and she didn't know how to get out of it. She sees what Vanessa has and it's something Anne hardly ever had. she was far to jealous of it all to make amends or peace with any of it. She didn't mean to hurt her it just came out before she could do anything about it. Vanerssa didn't want to see Nate any more hurt then he is, her heart is to big for that. besides, he dragged her out of the country for three weeks before Vanessa had any way in it. Nate's gonna see everything that went on and what his life was like, he still has a lot of stress left to deal with.

Though I'm not sure why she trusts the Humphrey loft to be the safest place to go. I mean, Jenny's there. I like Jenny bout as much as I like Blair :P Jenny might prove to be a bit of an issue, I'm still deciding on that one. Hmm, we'll see.

S2 is amazing to watch and I wish it hadn't deleted off my DVR while I was living at my sister's house. Can't wait till it's on DVR to make me happy again. It's not soon enough.

That's it for my review. Not great, but I hope it's not going to disappoint you to much. :hug:

The Season finale was sooo good, everything about it was perfect and I'm hoping that we do still get to see jealous Nate but I want that drunken hookup. And more ;) we'll see.


	14. As The Rain Falls

**Author's Note**: WOW! ok, this was the best number of reviews I've gotten on a chapter yet. and for that here, I give you an even longer chapter! keep it up, you know you make me want to write. the next chapter of the new story will be up very shortly too. more at the bottom! Enjoy this!

-Manda

* * *

What she wouldn't have done for a coffee, the aroma and caffeine to wake her up and give her a little more energy then what she'd had from being up all night for almost two nights straight. After him waking her up every fifteen minutes the night Scott attacked her and his mother's death the first night because he was afraid something was wrong with her. The second night had been spent in the emergency room. After an episode of severe bleeding and cramping Nate had dragged her in without a choice. He'd already lost his mother in the past day, was going to be damned if he had to lost another. The ultrasounds had been prodding and troublesome and of course she'd complained but nothing was as bad as the looks they'd given him over the marks around her neck. When they'd ever asked him to step out of the room while a social worker came to speak with her she'd flipped out, her heart rate had sped through the roof soon as he'd let go of her hand. Vanessa didn't admit it out loud but when he wasn't there with her she was actually afraid, afraid that something would happen. Vanessa was only as strong as she pretended to be. When her false act cracked there wasn't anything left. With the baby being in danger, being able to feel it kick the previous evening, Nate's half hidden distraught over his mother, and her attack from Scott Vanessa was running on strained emotions. So strained her thoughts weren't her own, she needed sleep, she needed her stresses to go away, she needed things to be normal for just a moment in time. Something she didn't feel would happen any time soon.

It was a little bit better now being back at the apartment, at least she felt like she could almost breathe again. There were few people that knew about Nate's apartment, Chuck and Blair being among the few. Not that that made her feel any better, the last thing she wanted was anyone else finding out just yet. Gossip Girl would catch on soon enough and out her secret, there was only so much a flowy top could do anymore. Eighteen weeks was nearly halfway there. Pretty soon there wouldn't be any hiding it, she just held her breath that it would hold off a few more days. With Anne's wake and funeral coming up in four days the last thing she wanted was to be ostracized as she attended for Nate. It wasn't fair to him to have to put up with the repercussions of their mistakes on such a crucial day either. He had enough to worry about without adding anymore chaos to the days ahead.

She closed her eyes for a second resting against the door frame of his bedroom as he walked past her, glancing at her through tired eyes before pulling down the sheets. She smiled at him a short and hesitant smile and shook her head silently communicating as he walked back to her and leaned his hands against the wall in back of her his sapphire eyes meeting smoky hazel in a combination of tired slight angst. Sleep and stress was wearing on emotions and things were about to explode if they didn't separate for a little while.

"Go take a shower and call Chuck. You and Chuck had plans tonight and you need a break from craziness. I can go to the loft, Dan's bed is always open for me to sleep in. I'll be safe there. Besides I think we both need a few hours with them rather than being together. You need a break from me."

As she talked he leaned his forehead against hers closing his eyes. He didn't even have to agree and she knew he wanted to, more than anything else he needed to. She had plans of her own she needed to get done without him hovering over her like she was breakable glass. Vanessa didn't like to be babied regardless of the situation. She knew he'd argue about it, he wouldn't have been Nate if he didn't. She couldn't handle it for a while she just needed a break.

"V, do you really think that's a good…"

Lifting her head up just enough to kiss right under his jaw line she pulled back from him and walked to the other side of his bed where her things were thrown. Tossing things into her bag she could still feel his eyes on her back as she moved around. All she needed to do was to get out of the apartment then she could do the things she needed to. The other thing was she needed to do it alone without him insisting on going along.

"Nate, I haven't been parented since Allison Humphrey ran out on Rufus so don't start. I'm more then capable of taking care of myself. I've done it for eighteen years this isn't any different. Nothing's going to happen to me and you heard it yourself, it's just fine."

She hadn't meant to snap but lately Vanessa's emotions and reactions were out of control, besides she didn't like being taken care of and he knew that. She threw a few more things into her bag but froze as soon as she felt his hand gently wrap around her neck grazing the finger marks that were there. She let out a low growl that mostly remained in her throat. She knew he caught it when he slipped his hand from around her throat right down to her stomach making her ease up but only a little. That was still a touchy area for her as well, there'd been enough touchy feely in that area to last her for the week. For a while she wanted to freeze off the fact that it was real, just so that she could breathe without being nervous.

"Don't get mad at me, I just don't like you anywhere but here when that son of a bitch is missing. If anything happens to you I swear to god."

Without warning she spun around to face him, her eyes in a slight glare. Apparently she'd spent far too much time laying in a hospital bed for the weekend, too much time listening to the nurses whispers. Not that she'd tell him anything they'd said. He'd just tell her to brush it off and nothing else mattered. They'd sparked her thinking though, her thoughts weren't the most healthy place to be when her mind was already as full as it was. She just needed space for a little while.

"I am not someone that you can control all the time Nate! I don't need you to take care of me, I didn't need you for the first few months and I don't need you to now. Scott didn't mean to hurt me, he does things without thinking. Besides, it's not like I'm going looking for him. I'm going to carry on with my life just as it was before he choked me, I wish I could carry on like it was before I got pregnant, right now, before you would even be fine with me."

He stood dumbfounded as they were face to face. She could see the hurt in his eyes and the anger rising to his throat and it took her everything not to cave to him. It wasn't like Vanessa truly meant a word that was coming out of her mouth. They were just the head of her emotions boiling over.

"I'm starting to think it was simpler when I was with Blair"

Hissing out through clenched teeth it didn't take her even a second longer to stand in front of him as she swung the backpack onto her back and took off with her back to him, she was still shaking with nerves. She never glanced back at him as she headed straight for the door of the apartment only for him to catch her shoulder with his hand as she attempted to jerk it away from him.

"V I didn't mean…"

Without so much as a chance to get the words out of his mouth she shoved his shoulder with her forearm till she was free from his grip. His words didn't matter to her, her only thought and only want was to get out of the apartment before she broke in front of it.

"Part of you did or you wouldn't have said it"

Putting his hands up in surrender he stepped away from her as she stomped out of the apartment slamming the door behind her with enough force he felt the apartment shake.

* * *

Taking another drag from the joint in his hand he blew the smoke to the ceiling and raised his glass of scotch. It was going to be a rather long night with Nate's whining and Blair not speaking to him. This new relationship 'I love you' thing meant he couldn't even call anyone to help make it go away. That alone made Chuck have doubts that this whole thing was going to work. He wasn't used of not being able to get away from his pressures without set. The whole thing sounded like a sick torturous joke. He blamed it all on the guy next to him. Had he not had a secret to actually keep he never would have been sitting on the couch all night long working on his best baggie and a few glass bottles of scotch. For some reason keeping his mouth shut for the sake of Nate was more important than spending the night with Blair. Ok, so maybe he was lying, he wasn't doing it just for Nate. Vanessa had an even bigger part in the secret. He wouldn't admit out loud he was doing it for her but he was. even he knew that she didn't need any more stress then she had to handle on a daily basis. They'd become 'friends' somehow along the way. He shuttered, friends, he wasn't even about to figure out how the hell or why the hell it had happened. That was something he'd rather just leave alone.

Glancing over at his best friend for the third time in the hour he hadn't said anything since Chuck had walked in. it wasn't normal for Nate to be a very silent drunk. That was when he usually did his most damage spilling things that shouldn't have been said, never had he ever held his liquor very well. The silence wasn't working here, Chuck had never been a very big fan of silence. That was the thing that poisoned your brain and made you actually think. The mind of Chuck Bass wasn't a very good place to live when it came to things like that. in fact, it was a rather dangerous place most of the time.

"Nathaniel, are you going to tell me what's wrong? Something happen with Punky Brewster and the shrimp?"

Breaking the silence he swirled around the amber liquid in his glass and eyed Nate. His head was back against the back of the couch and his eyes were squeezed shut. It took a little while after Chuck had said his words for Nate to open his eyes and look at him again. In the mean time Chuck continued on smoking. If Nate wasn't going to divulge anything there wasn't anything Chuck could do.

"Scott attacked her the other day, she has bruises on her neck from him trying to strange her. She refused to give him up to the police, because he was Rufus's son she wouldn't tell. I don't give a damn if he's Lily's kid he could have killed her. I already lost my mom and dad I can't lose another person right now. She's just so stubborn I got frustrated with her and we got into a fight and she slammed out of here to sleep at Dan's"

Chuck's eyebrow raised at the beginning of Nate's story. He'd only heard of Scott from Lily and Rufus's arguments. He'd never expected their child to be even remotely dangerous, Rufus Humphrey wouldn't have had a balls for those genes. When Chuck thought about it Serena could have been, he must have taken more after the Van der Woodsen's then.

"Fights happen Nate, so you go to Victrola and enjoy a show. That's if the good for nothing owners didn't change it completely into a cheap strip bar. When I owned it at least it had class."

As he mumbled to himself he heard Nate grunt in protest and Chuck rolled his eyes, typical Nate always attempting to be somewhat sensible. Even if Chuck could see his side in things partly it wasn't something he was going to admit out loud. It wasn't till Nate picked up yet another wine cooler that Chuck decided he couldn't keep Nate living in misery any longer, it was beginning to get sickening.

"It doesn't make you your father Nate. I know that's what you're thinking and it's not true. Stop worrying about your impending doom. You and Vanessa have made it this far without her killing you you're doing pretty well. Yes, I think you're nuts for letting her go through with all of this but I know she's attached. You're taking this as your chance to make up for things you didn't do in the first place, even I can see that it's more than that for you. Hey, I'm just glad it happened to me and not you. I don't know how you put up with Vanessa as well as you do. She caves even less then Blair does."

Nate opened his eyes again and Blair's name burned his ears. He still regretted dragging Blair's name into their fight. She'd seen in Vanessa's eyes that had been what hurt her the most. He took another swing from the glass bottle.

"I'm afraid I'm going to mess this all up. Am I even ready for it?"

Chuck let out an egotistical laugh at Nate's words. regardless of what he thought or what Nate thought there wasn't really an option in it. he should have thought about how he'd handle it all before the condom had broken or he'd forgotten it, which ever… Chuck didn't really care to think about either one of those. That was pushing it just a little bit.

"No but is anyone ever ready for it? it's a big responsibility not to fuck up someone else's life Nate. But it's also someone's responsibility not to create another life if it's not wanted. You'll be ok Nate. If you ask me it seems like as unexpected as it is you're both starting to settle into it. Also if it's a boy don't worry… Uncle Chuck"

He paused trying the name on for size and nodding his head once when it settled. It didn't sound so bad, he could handle that one he decided, when the kid was a little bit older and not so breakable.

"Uncle Chuck will teach him which is the best liquor, which girls to stay away from, and how to work a condom. Even with the tacky banana demonstration since apparently no one ever did that for you Nathaniel."

They both silently laughed and shook their heads in unison, yep, the poor kid was doomed from the start.

* * *

The small town of Bloomfield in Essex Vermont hadn't ever seemed as big as it did when Vanessa got off of the bus and started to walk back to the house her parents had bought when they'd decided to leave New York. She could still remember hating the house because it took her away from Dan and Jenny, the Humphrey family that was as close to normal as she'd ever seen. New York had always been her home, even when her parents had dragged her away. Now it felt kind of strange to be running to a place she didn't even want to be. She'd done everything to get out of there but suddenly it felt like with Arlo and Gabriela was exactly the place she needed to be. Her parents might have been eccentric and most of the time out of it they still deserved to know what was going on. Vanessa also needed five minutes to be just a normal eighteen year old that was as far from the drama of the Upper East Side as she could get. It wasn't just the fight with Nate that had set her off it was that as time passed by she felt herself missing her parents a little more. Just because she wanted to be more than they were, since Nate had planted the ideals of college into her head she'd wanted so much more then what they expected of her.

She'd taken her last two hundred and fifty dollars out of the bank in a rush at an ATM that would probably charge her fees for going over by two dollars. Her cell phone had been shut off over a week ago, leaving Vanessa with next to nothing. Vanessa needed to pick up some shifts at work, she shouldn't have spent so much time doing nothing and wasting time when she needed money. She needed money for everything; not working wasn't going to get her anywhere. Those stresses were some she couldn't care or think about. There was already enough beating down on her mind. Seventy dollars to get to Vermont, she'd left New York at nine the night before it was seven in the morning now and she still hadn't slept. Vanessa was running on ambition to get things done only.

Reaching for the handle of the screen door it felt cold. It didn't matter if it was the last week in July the Vermont shade was right over the house. Part of it felt good but most of her was filled with dread, dread of what she had to walk in there and do. Her hand rested on her right over stomach, as nervous as it made her it also gave her a slight bit of confidence. To her the baby was an extension of Nate and that alone gave her a little bit more confidence.

"Here goes nothing"

She mumbled to herself as she looked down for a moment exhaling a breath and pushing the door open. At least that was one thing she could count on, the house always smelling the same. A mixture of paint and pot, it was just as familiar as it had always been. There were paint splashes all over the walls and dishes in the sink that looked like they'd been mounted for years. Part of her wondered if her parents had cleaned anything since she'd been there for a weekend during Christmas. Why was she thinking any of this? She'd never complained growing up, this was all effects of being around them in New York. She'd become someone she'd never been in the past and she wasn't sure how much she liked it.

"Mom? Dad?"

Vanessa called as she passed through the doorway of the kitchen to find them sitting in the living room burning incense, passing a joint, and painting with their hands. They didn't even look up at her calling, not that she'd expected them to. she smiled to herself and shook her head, typical.

"Mom, Dad… I'm here"

Trying a little bit louder they both seemed to snap out of the trances they were in to look up at her. At first they both looked out through a smoking induced haze then her mother stood up. Gabriela wasn't a very tall person, much shorter then both of her daughters. Never the less she completely took Vanessa by surprised as she strode closer to her and hugged her, her parents hadn't ever been very lovey or touchy. Vanessa stood at surprised attention for a moment before hugging her mother back. Maybe coming home to them hadn't been as bad an idea as she'd of thought when she'd first gotten there.

"Arlo would you look at her? Our little girl's all grown up! And would you look at this! It looks little our little Vanessa's had a bit of fun with a boy too."

Right as her mother's hands slipped to her stomach Vanessa felt like she'd been hit with cool ice that was slowly melting. Then again she should have known that they wouldn't have taken it like any normal parents would have. A nervous breath escaped her as her smile became a little bit more real. Gabriela dragged her over to the couch to sit between them with excited haste.

"Our sweet girl is going to be just like us Arlo, you know, we were younger then you when we had your sister Vanessa. Oh! I think we should paint your stomach! Just think how cute it would be! You can deal with the hives for a little while can't you V?"

Vanessa was overwhelmed to say the least as she sat speechless looking back and forth. After her run in telling Anne Vanessa hadn't known what to expect of parental opinions anymore. the only thing that made her shutter was the thought of becoming her parents, that wasn't exactly her goal in life. As much as she loved them Vanessa had thoughts and rules that were all her own. Gabby's other sentence made Vanessa almost laugh out loud. At least her parents remember some things. Six years old being covered head to toe in a rash after they'd decided to paint her and Ruby from head to toe was still something she shook her head at. It wasn't often that the concept of allergies meant anything in the Abrams house hold.

"Your sister told us yesterday when she told us she was marrying Tracy or Trudy maybe? I can't remember the girl's name. All I know is that they're doing it this afternoon. Isn't that wonderful? Your sister standing up for her rights. It's just so wonderful!"

Just like that the subject was off of her and onto Ruby. Things always revolved around Ruby but she didn't mind it, it always meant there was no pressure on her. Listening to both of her parents done on and on about Ruby Vanessa sank further into the couch, her arms crossed across her stomach as she drifted into a light sleep knowing they wouldn't notice her not a wake for even a second and when they did they'd just go back to smoking like they'd been doing before she'd gotten there.

* * *

When he'd finally sobered up the effects of everything it him like a ton of bricks. It was five o'clock in the afternoon, five o'clock and she hadn't even called to say she was ok. That could only have meant she was still angry with him. Not that he really blamed her, the things he'd said were uncalled for. He knew how touchy she was when it came to Blair, he never should have opened his mouth. Not even in anger over the way she was acting. She'd been released from the hospital to take it easy and sleep, not to get into fights and storm off to Dan's. Nate felt lousy and stupid, he had since he'd woken up with his head on Chuck's knee. He was angry at his mother, he was afraid of his impending fatherhood; he didn't know where he was headed. He'd used the Upper East Side's oldest tactic, pry on the most delicate of subjects and hurt the person who was standing up to you. The only thing was he was pretty sure those rules weren't supposed to go for pregnant girlfriends. He'd hurt her again, just when she was beginning to trust him again. Part of him wondered if he'd ever stop and treat her the way she deserved to be treated. Part of him had to wonder if all of this was a reflection of how he'd eventually treat the both of them. Could he really handle disappointing not just her but both of them? That was exactly what his father had done to him and he was living proof of its lasting consequences. The thought of doing it to his own flesh and blood made him feel sicker then he did already with his hangover. Disappointment was something he didn't want to pass onto anyone most defiantly not his own child. that was being no better than his own.

He'd taken the subway over to the Humphrey loft hoping that would score him a few brownie points in her eyes right off the bat. He knew there would still be a lot of groveling to be done once he saw her face. That alone would ease his mind and make his nerves stop jumping into his throat, seeing her face to face and knowing she was alright. There was something nagging at him that he couldn't stop worrying about and he couldn't even put his finger directly on it. He'd called Dan's cell phone a few times and he hadn't picked up. Vanessa had to have forbidden it, letting him know anything about her whereabouts, he should have expected that. She wasn't going to be very happy to see him now either, he really needed to choose his words better before he spoke them. Raising his hand to the door he knocked on it and stepped back waiting for someone to open it. Part of him wished it would be Vanessa right off the bat and he could have just begged without an audience. Of course he had no luck as Jenny came to the door before anyone else.

"Well this is a surprise"

Her voice had an acidic air to it as her glare was almost strong enough to burn a hole right through him. Sighing he put his head down, at least he knew that she had to be there. It was at least a start. Never had it crossed his mind that maybe Jenny wasn't talking pertaining to Vanessa. Jenny always had dry sarcasm to her, he'd figured she just had to be annoyed over listening to Vanessa complain about him.

"I know, I messed up"

Admitting defeat were hardly things he ever did, but, this was a case where he figured her had to do it. He'd do anything to get Vanessa back to the apartment. Maybe then his hangover wouldn't seem as intense as it already seemed.

"Woah wait a second Nate, if this is you apologizing and trying to make amends for all the mistakes you've made is one thing. But, I won't hurt Vanessa, I won't do what the two of you did to me. It's not fair to her or anyone else, she apparently really does love you regardless of the feelings that I have for you. Gossip Girl gave you the label she did for a reason Nate."

His hangover was intense but he knew what had slipped out of his mouth hadn't been anything to convey things like that. He'd really scorned everyone around him that everyone thought he owed them apologies. It had already been a long day and the only thing he cared to find was Vanessa, even with the Advil he'd taken his headache still pounded in his ears. Standing in front of Jenny still he just gave her a confused look as Dan's voice broke through their awkward silence.

"Nate? What are you doing here? Where's Vanessa?"

Soon as the words left Dan's mouth Nate felt himself freeze, Dan was asking where Vanessa was. that meant he didn't know where she was either. She wasn't with Cora, Cora had taken the kids and gone to Arizona, she wasn't at her apartment, she hadn't been back there since Scott had attacked her and even with how pissed off she was she still wouldn't have gone back there. He knew her better that. Even if she pretended she was tougher than most.

"Please tell me she stayed here last night"

At the moment he couldn't even get a greeting out as the lump in his throat got larger and larger. Jenny put a hand over her face and peered out at him though one eye clearly embarrassed over her little outburst. Had he not been in such a spin he would have attempted to make her feel better after it all by apologizing, but, there was too much going on for him to stop for a second and think of anyone else but finding Vanessa.

"No, I wasn't home I had orientation at NYU. Which reminds me, she has it at the end of the week, can't let her forget that, it's important if she's going to know what to do next year."

Dan babbled on and Nate leaned his head against the doorway till Dan has shut up noticing that there was more to Nate's accusation then laid on the surface. Dan studied Nate's face closely, he looked not only like he'd had a long night but also the guilt held his shoulders slumped and the worry shown every time his eyes flashed open. There wasn't a subject that was off topic suddenly, it was obvious that Vanessa was missing and there was something more going on than just that.

"You look like hell Nate. Is everything ok? Did something happen with the baby?"

Nate's head raised only enough to catch what looked like Jenny's eyes bugging out of her head. Sometimes it was easy to forget that their secret was just that rather than public knowledge. He was still amazed by the fact that she'd been able to keep it as long as she had. Normally anything happening in Nate's life was public knowledge, somehow with her it was still a secret. He knew she wasn't ready for the stress of everyone knowing. Even if the months were flying by he knew she wasn't ready to tell the world it was real, Vanessa was still processing.

"No! the ba… it's fine. She's fine too, as far as I know. We got into a fight I don't really, we got in a fight when she got out of the hospital the other night. She was already annoyed, I said some things I shouldn't have said and she slammed out of the apartment. Her phone's shut off. I don't know what else to do Dan, I figured you'd know where she was."

As he explained he felt Dan pull him into the loft further. His mind was too far gone to even pay a second of attention to Jenny still glaring shock filled daggers at him. He's just adding to the list of things Vanessa's not going to like very much by being the reason Jenny found out. If Vanessa wasn't missing in the first place he won't have had to do that. That was just one thing he needed to remind himself of, they'd brought the obstacles of the day onto themselves.

* * *

Chris and Rebecca Rosson's living room was bigger than her parents yet much smaller than the rooms she'd now become accustom to. There were photos all over it, photos of Scott and who she guessed was Andrew throughout the years. The house proved along that Lily or whosever had put Scott up for adoption had done a good job picking a home and parents. She could tell by the way Chris and Rebecca sat across from her with their hands clasped that they loved one another very deeply, they loved one another and they'd loved both of their children to the best of their abilities. It wasn't their fault that their son had turned out in some ways so disturbed. Vanessa would be the first one to testify first hand that things didn't always turn out the way they were planned to turn out. Her hands resting protectively was proof of that alone. She'd already been away home for three days at her parents' house remembering what it was life before going back to New York. This was her last stop before she had to rush home for Anne's wake and funeral. She knew she was going to pick up heat for not calling him at all but, they both needed space. If she'd been in any danger she would have called, she thought. His comment regarding Blair had stung more then she'd thought it would have.

"You say you're a friend of Scott's? Is something wrong? Are you a friend from Portland or BU? Oh no, our Scott isn't the that did this to you is he? I'm sorry, that sounded rude. We both understand that accidents happen and both my wife and I are here to help in whatever way you need. Is this why Scott is hiding from us?"

Chris talked without giving Vanessa room to breathe or protest. An unsure smile graced her face that became a little more dominant when they mentioned they hadn't seen or talked to him. She'd been a little on edge the whole ten minutes she'd been there so far, afraid that Scott would pop out of a room. The thoughts made her slip a hand to her neck which drew attention to it. She could feel Rebecca's eyes on the finger prints that were slowly fading from sight.

"Oh, no. This isn't his baby, I didn't mean to stress you both out. I'm sorry, no, your son as nothing to do with this. I'm just a friend of his, that's all."

She offered another smile as she placed her hands back into her lap starting to feel a little bit anxious under both of their gazes. There was something in Rebecca's gaze, a certain sadness that she could feel. One that almost felt like Rebecca was disappointed in Scott, disappointed in herself for the way she'd raised him. Vanessa opened her mouth to dispute it. it wasn't fair for her to feel something she hadn't done. The things that happened weren't anything Rebecca or Chris could have prevented and Vanessa felt like it was her job to make them know that. her big part had always been one of her greatest downfalls.

"I know my son, and I know those marks on your neck must fit his hand. Those little hands that I tried so hard to treat others with respect. I'm sorry for whatever he'd done to you. He has a temper and I'm not quite sure where it comes from.

While the words slipped from Scott's mother's mouth Vanessa shook her head. She wasn't about to let someone innocent take the blame for something Scott had done under rage. It bothered her just as much as the doctors blaming Nate for it bothered her. The last thing she was about to do was to let Scott's innocent mother feel like she'd done something wrong in the way she'd raised her son. That wasn't the case at all.

"No, that anger comes from his biological mother's side of the family. I've been told his maternal grandmother is quite the nightmare. Not that any of this is my place to tell you but I think you both ought to know that your son is in New York city. He went looking for his birth parents and he found them. I'm his half brother's best friend and I got to know your son pretty well before I knew who he actually was. I just thought you both needed to know that he is ok, a little hurt and distraught maybe."

Watching the shock on both of Scott's parents faces Vanessa felt herself tense and wrap her arms around themselves. They both looked pained by Vanessa's news. She took a breath before reaching out to touch Rebecca's hand. They both looked up meeting in an eye to eye glance and it was the first time that Vanessa felt far older then her eighteen years. There was something in the shared look that made her feel that every inch of what was going on inside of her was real. The baby wasn't just a game it was something that made her share the emotions and worry that Rebecca Rosson felt on a daily basis when it came to caring for her son. Rather than tainting her more for the first time Vanessa felt ok about it. the responsibility the nerves, all of it felt a little bit changed.

"I don't want you to think we've raised our son to be a monster. We did everything we could for both of our boys and both Andrew and Scott were happy children and they had the best childhoods we could provide us with. We never loved Scott any less because he wasn't our own flesh and blood. The moment he was placed into our arms he became ours. Adopting him was no different then ten hours of labor with Andrew. If anything it was more of a gift because I don't know how his mother did it. how she separated herself from her child like that just to give him a better life. A life that she knew she wouldn't have been able to provide him with. We did everything to make Scott know that we loved him unconditionally. Everything he wanted we always strived for him to have. He was still our precious little boy even if he was adopted. We never looked at him as if he was adopted. He was always meant to be ours. Things aren't that simple or black and white. Giving a child up for adoption ha sot be one of the most agonizing things a woman can do because she's giving away a piece of herself. Scott was a gift, and he still is. Regardless of the things he does he's still our little boy and we love him unconditionally regardless of those things."

Rebecca had filled all up causing Vanessa to retract her hand while Chris pulled his wife into a hug. watching the couple Vanessa once again hugged herself tighter. She'd been dealt her own rough set of cards in life and watching the pair in front of her she could see that it wasn't very often that things went well as planned. There was always a chance that life would backfire even more as time went on. Those were the thoughts that scared her the most. She closed her eyes for a brief second lost in her thoughts before opening her eyes to see Chris still consoling his hysterical wife.

* * *

Storm clouds were in the sky as Vanessa stood half behind a tree trunk watching the scene in front of her unfold. She'd silently stood in the back during the wake, watching as everyone took their moments to walk up and give their condolences to the only remaining Archibald. She watched him as he nodded his head and accepted hugs and handshakes. She wanted to be the one to walk over to him after everyone had sat down but the only black dress she'd both packed and owned reveled every inch of baby she was trying to hide. She felt like over the past four days she'd popped out and her baby bump was now completely visible no matter what she wore or what way she turned. That's what kept her behind the tree as everyone filed out of the funeral in a precession, her eyes were glued to him standing in front of the casket that would soon be six feet under the ground. His head was bowed slightly and his shoulders were slummed. He looked warn out and tired from the days past and she knew that part of it was her fault.

Watching the last remaining relatives file out of the grave site area she took a deep breath to herself as she moved out from behind tree. He never once made a move or heard a step as she walked up behind him, she could tell he was too far into his thoughts to let anything else cross his mind. When she reached out her hands to squeeze the arms of his suit jacket he still didn't budge. It wasn't till she stood up a little more and leaned forward enough to put her head on his shoulder that he seemed to come alive again. She felt his mouth open as he began to protest and lecture her but she quickly shut him down by wrapping her hand around and putting it over his mouth as she whispered quiet 'shh's' into his ear softly. He crumbled then, just as she figured her would. Between losing both his parents and the sudden upcoming responsibility of fatherhood including all of the other normal worries he had Nate was under just as much if not more pressure then she was. The skies opened up and the rain began to pour out of the clouds as he turned around in her grip to put his arms tightly around her and move as close to her as he could get with the growing bump in the middle of them making things a little difficult for things to be what they'd used to. she felt him convulse into her shoulder as he held onto her tighter, his anger, rage, frustration, and fear were all pouring out his him as they stood in the rain beside his mother's grave. It was all what he'd needed, the release of all pent up emotions coming lose and pouring out before they did anymore mental damage.

"It's ok Nate, I'm right here… we're right here"

She whispered and he picked his head up off of her shoulder only to slip his hands from around her to get caught in the messy curls that fell around her shoulders. They looked at each other for a second before he leaned in to kiss her. A kiss that wasn't as soft and careful as the past ones had been. It had a fiery passion that somewhat scared her as she put all of her strength into it. His hand slid down her back ringing out a section of her hair as he did so. She felt her heart rate spike a few points so much so she could hear it in her ears as she pulled away from the kiss and put her head down onto his shoulder letting him hold her tightly.

"I was so worried about You Vanessa. I can't lose you, I can't lose either one of you. I've lost my mom and my dad V, I can't lose either one of you two. You're my life V."

Lifting her head again se looked at him as she shook her head and rested her hand on the side of his face. that wasn't what she'd wanted to hear, she wasn't the type of girl for that. of course she loved him without a doubt but, there was so much more to him than that. for some reason she felt like she was the only one to see that. Maybe it was because she was the one that had grown up with hardly much of a family life, she knew what it was like to live for yourself.

"Nate no, listen to me. Your life belongs to you and only you. No more rules or expectations You can do what you want, become who you want. I'm not saying that I'm not along for the ride or anything but Nate this is about you and no one else. I'm not here to replace anyone why taking away everything that can be. That's why from the beginning I was against all of this because that isn't what I want you to do. I want you to be more than this. You can be ,Nate and you know you can, I know you can. This isn't some Twilight movie, You're not living for anyone but yourself. So don't even put it that way."

Staying silent he shut his eyes and she wiped the rain or tears that fell on his cheek bones. For both of their sakes she wanted to get through to him. She refused to let him fall into any sort of cookie cutter ways, not with her he wouldn't. She would be the last person to allow that one. Sure, they were going to be parents, through the trip to her parents and the train ride she'd slowly started to come to terms with it.

"We're going to be right here but we're not a crutch for you Nate. You have to live your life for yourself, the way you want to. This is all something we still have to figure out yes, but, it can't be something that stands in the way of you figuring out who you are yourself or I'll never be able to forgive myself for it. one way or another we're going to deal with all of this but you're going to be you. Do you hear me?"

Her eyes were intensely staring into his as she held onto him working the best she could to get her point across. The hesitation was still in his eyes as he looked back at her with a mix of emotions and feelings. It was the same look she'd gotten after the Van der Bass wedding over a year ago. The look that told her he knew what he needed to do and what was right but he was still torn. Nate wasn't used to living without a crutch and she knew that. she also knew that if he was ever going to live up to his potential he needed to overcome that.

"I still love you"

He whispered like a child trying to get out of time out early, the side of his face picking up into a slight smile. With the slight smile and his sparkling eyes she had trouble resisting him or staying as the authority figure giving orders. She shut her eyes to avoid him as she shook her head doing her best to battle her own smile as she shoved his shoulder back with her wrist playfully.

"I know"

Quietly she nodded her head as she pulled her into yet another kiss that she couldn't resist complying with. His hands unwrapped themselves from around her and slowly slid to resting on her stomach. For the first time it made her smile against his lips, the thoughts and motions of him paying attention. Something she hadn't even wanted to do till she'd seen what it was like to love someone unconditionally. Till she'd been around her own parents and Scott's, sure, maybe her parents were a little messed up and Scott's parents had a troubled son they always needed to worry about. Both sides that she'd seen during her break from reality showed her different things, they also gave her things she needed to think about and consider. His hands still on her stomach he leaned in for another kiss and let it linger there softly. It wasn't till he pulled away that they both felt his cell phone vibrate out shrilly. Against their better judgment he took the phone out of his pocket thinking it would be out of any sort of importance.

**Spotted, it seems like one Upper East Sider has mixed his DNA. Could someone be taking on the ranks of something his parents bowed out of not too long ago? Pictures show him looking pretty cozy with his girlfriend's? Ex girlfriend's? very obvious baby bump. How has no one caught this sooner. Maybe Brooklyn was a little more of interest then we all seemed to think. Such a shame. **

"Shit"

Vanessa mumbled out and shook her head as she put her head on Nate's shoulder with frustrated regret already. They still had a after memorial gathering at the Vanderbilt compound to attend. This was going to make it one hell of a long day. She knew it would comes but it still didn't mean she was anywhere near ready for it. Damn Gossip Girl.

* * *

**Jen **–Anne was being completely selfish, and she was afraid to lose her son, her only child. him growing up meant she was too and that wasn't something she was ready to lose. Oh the life of an Upper East Sider. Scott is creepy, to think I actually liked him in the beginning.

**Jo** – the last chapter needed a soft spot after intenseness, at least I thought so.

**Francesca **– Hmm what the baby is hmmm, take a wild guess ;) though, I'm not sure if I'll tell you that your right or not. I haven't decided when or if they're going to spill :P

YOB updated!

Heehee thank you! That put a smile on my face! I'll keep it up then!

**Christinamarie712** – Someone pointed out to me the reason I write Dan/Vanessa the way I do, it's because I read the books. Though they're completely different of course this is more book like. The show should put them together ore _ Scott, hmm, I'm not really sure. Nate has no one really breathing down his neck anymore. he needs to figure out his own life for himself now.

**Izzy**- The Kitty will come back up again. It was still a spiteful kitty. Regardless if it's not deceased, and, I think you're the only one that picked up on the kitty!

Scott is cowerding surprised at his own rage. He didn't want to hurt her. Scott does a lot of things he doesn't mean to do it seems. Well, that was the point of Anne's death, she did cowered out of it all. But don't think I didn't redeem her. There are still some past items left behind that they hadn't found just yet. And one that Nate perhaps might be holding onto. Very cheesy, I know but I thought that they needed a happy moment for a little while. It's totally unfinished there, there are more twists coming up :P got the ideas in my pocket, or rather in my head I guess. Lol

**Pagan-Angel13**-

Scott is troubled but he doesn't mean to do the things he does he just acts out of rage without thinking his actions through. I was trying to somewhat redeem him not that I think it worked very well. The boy is just past being redeemed.

Anne cowered out of facing the facts that she wasn't the only one her son needed anymore. she was hurt knowing that he'd found someone else to love. There'll be more from Anne later on too.

V had her reasons for not reporting Scott even if by not doing it she was only worrying Nate more then she should have. He's still Rufus's son and Rufus is like a father to her. She doesn't want him to think he's failed. Even if he didn't have a say in the way Scott grew up.

Dan is Vanessa's best friend, he's her other half, the one person who knows what she's feeling without her opening her mouth. And on the other hand he might have thought that it was a good idea for Nate and Vanessa to be out of the country and bond without the rest of New York City being in their business.

V needed to just punch him, I would have if he kept waking me up like that. jeez, let the girl sleep. No, it was a good thing he didn't let her sleep, as you can tell from this chapter. :D I'm glad you enjoyed it and looking forward to what you thought of this one!

**Cherielle **– wow, that is a huge compliment, thank you so much! I'm so glad you enjoyed it and I will do my best to keep it interesting :D though I'm not sure it's such a good thing if it keeps you away from analyzing classical music specially if it's for classes. :P hope you liked this chapter (:

**ALEX **– leaving you for last (: because I know it's going to take up a ton of room. Lol :D

You get nightmares from Scott and it doesn't even bother me, I write one NV fight and have nightmares. I think there's something wrong with that picture. Maybe I need to lay off the horror movies?

DV as we've discussed are book DV :D they're the perfect friends. NVC yes! Of course! Gotta start it out with NC ND first. Lol C's gotta make N afraid, poor kid. :P it's in for doom. And hmm they really should discuss CV shouldn't they. Hmm I think an idea just popped into my head.

YES! That was the first thing I thought of when I re read it. lol I actually had to dig out my DVD's and watch that ep. When they showed him on the screen in the spin off I actually ran to hide against my mom. For drama sake of course XD I had friends over with an audience, I love a crowed with dramatics. Lmao.

I was trying to somewhat redeem Scott with that but it failed, Scott always fails. Le sigh, oh well. V only feels safe with Nate after that one :love:

Anne's going to be back around. Well, parts pertaining to her. Makes me wish that the one shots for like after the mask thing I'd actually finished. I have them started, but they failed. Mann, maybe I'll try again. Your totally tempting me here! I can see his phone ringing and him picking up to C as she comes out of his bathroom in one of his blue button up shirts and her hair wrapped in a towel out of the shower. Lol I don't think that C would actually get a finished conversation there. The baby is an adjustment they're both having a hard time coming to terms with. But it's becoming more and more real and they can't get away from it, it's ok though, it seems like it's starting to settle in. I'm sorry! I thought fluttering would be the less scary word to use. That was their calm after the long day. The baby telling them IT, (this is getting annoying now. I just want to say it) was alright. Well I'm going to shut my mouth as for the rest. And you know I love reading and responding to your reviews. Hope that this eased the pain of finals a little bit more. Gotta go work on the other story now, and the next chapter of this while my ideas are still flowing full force. It's going to be a very writing filled day.


	15. Lack Of Trust

Author's Note: Thank you so much everyone that reviews! :D hope this chapter is as good, sorry for the short note, the sun outside is calling me. so i'm gonna go take a notebook and lay in the grass for a bit. leave me your thoughts! you know they mean a ton to me :D

-Manda

* * *

"Rufus I'm taking off"

Vanessa called out as she stood in the doorway watching him dust paintings. At least with him dusting paintings he wasn't giving her the 'I'm so disappointed in you' look he'd been giving her for the past five days. He hadn't said anything about it he'd just shake his head when he thought she wasn't looking. She hadn't gotten it from her own parents yet Rufus Humphrey was more than sticking up for that job. It was cutting close to a week now since she'd been at the Humphrey loft, after Jenny's outburst the last time she'd dared to walk in there a day after Anne's funeral Vanessa wasn't about to go there again. She'd had enough of people yelling at her. Nate included in that one. Maybe leaving with a shut off cell phone wasn't the best of ideas, but, she'd just needed alone time.

None of that was even the problem at hand, the issues was Rufus now. he was looking at her once again with disappointment in his eyes as she leaned back against the doorway her hands resting over the bump in her purple tank top. Now that everyone knew Vanessa felt much more comfortable when he hands rested over her stomach, where they did often now. not having to wear big baggy sweatshirts in the dead of summer felt good too of course. It was just the stares and gawks she could have very easily done without. Though she'd been expecting it once Gossip Girl caught on she still hadn't been ready for it. though, who would have been? Especially when she was a person that didn't particularly like attention that that matter, scandals weren't something she'd liked to have been in the middle of.

"Go ahead and say it"

She shook her head and putting her hands up waiting for him to put his input into it all. She'd been waiting for him to start all day. What was one more person to rattle off how they felt about her mistakes. William had already told her that 'the bastard child wasn't ever going to be more then that when Nathaniel came to his senses'. It had hurt more then she thought it would to hear the word bastard slip from his mouth. She'd been expecting it naturally, but she just hadn't thought she'd feel so protective. It had just been a good thing Maureen had grabbed her wrist and dragged her out of the building before she could have flipped out on the man that she didn't think very highly of. It was pretty obvious that Nate had filled Maureen in on her latest running away stunt and their hospital run.

None of that really compared to the look in Rufus's arms. Suddenly she was relieved that it was her and not Dan or Jenny. Just his eyes alone made her want to shrink away in guilt. Maybe this was what a parent's reaction was supposed to be. Not demanding it be gotten rid of like Anne had done or just barely the celebration her mother had put up. Maybe she should have been happy that at least one person cared that she was ruining her life, or at least part of her thought of it that way.

"I'm just a little disappointed in you Vanessa. I thought you were smarter than this. Your life isn't supposed to be turning out this way. You were planning on so much. A child is a very big responsibility. One that you have to be very sure you're ready to take on before you do it. It's not something that's very easy to do alone either, and you're a lot younger then I was when it was just me with Dan and Jenny."

Silently she smiled and shook her head as her eyes shut, yep, those were some of the words she'd been waiting for. It was all the truth she more than knew. She had been counting on being more then what she was doing now. Vanessa had worked for everything she'd achieved in life. Sure, book smarts had come easy but Vanessa had always been one of the few that actually got things. She took life for what it really was, hard work and something you had to work at to achieve the things you wanted. She'd never been handed anything on a silver platter like the life she was now associating herself with. Love hadn't meant to be something she'd fallen for, but, she had. There hadn't been any going back once it was done.

"I didn't plan this one Rufus and you know that. Think about who I am for a second. You know that I didn't want any of this… ever. It just happened and I couldn't change it. Do you remember what it was like the first time you and Allison heard Dan's heartbeat? I know Allison's told the story a million times. Well I know how you felt. Think of it this way, the first time I heard it's heart beat I was there to have an abortion because this wasn't what I wanted nor was it anything near what I wanted. There's something about that heartbeat and knowing that it's inside of you that makes it so difficult to turn your head and decide that it shouldn't exist. For the first time I found myself not capable of doing something I had set my mind to do."

Finishing her second she paused for a moment gathering the rest of her thoughts as she held her finger up so he wouldn't talk and interrupt her. The silence of her own mind all through work had given her something she needed to think about and get off of her chest before someone else made her explode. She just half felt bad that Rufus had chosen himself to be her first victim with it all.

"It was an accident, and hell, I think I can even admit that a majority of me still thinks it was a mistake but it's done now and it's not like I can go back and change any of the facts. Nate and I made a mistake one that's going to follow the both of us forever. There isn't anything I can do about it now and if I'm being perfectly honest I don't know if I would go back. Sure, it would be a lot easier but you know how alone I've always felt. Watching you and Allison with Dan and Jenny having normal Christmas every year. As much as maybe a mistake this is it's mine. And I know it doesn't make any…."

She trailed off as she attempted to decipher the look on Rufus's face; it looked like it was mixed with mind amusement. Vanessa couldn't figure out how any of it could have been mixed with any sort of amusement. She played with the chunky bracelets around her wrist as she waited for Rufus to talk and explain himself.

"You're full of guilt aren't you?"

His simple sentence had hit her soap box and knocked it down figuratively as she nodded her head and looked down. Vanessa should have known him to get it exactly right on first try. She'd grown up around him after all, he knew her better than her own father did. he and Allison had been the ones to rush her to the ER after she'd cracked her skull open after she'd jumped off the garage roof at age eight when she'd gone away with them to New Hampshire for the summer. The thought of it made her run her fingers over the scar at her hairline and shutter.

"I know I'm ruining his life and my own and that's the one thing I'm afraid of. If I'm ruining our lives how am I not ruining its life too? How do I know I'm doing the right thing?"

The smile had now had on his face made her lightly growl at him under her breath as she traced her steps back and sat down in a chair with her arms crossed and resting onto of the small bump.

"it's all something you have to figure out Vanessa. For the best of you and it's not something that's just going to happen overnight. It's a big deal that you weren't planning for. But at least you told him. You didn't make snap decisions or hide things from him."

Speaking sourly from experience she offered him a slight smile, he hadn't seen the people that had adopted Scott like she had. he'd only seen the people who hadn't wanted to let their remaining son go. Vanessa wasn't about to speak out on that. Normally she would have tried to protest for arguments sake but that wasn't very high on her list today.

"How did your checkup go yesterday?"

The change in subject was something she was more than relieved for. She bit her tongue as she thought back on it. the argument she and Nate had got in when she told the doctor not to tell them what it was. when the ultrasound technician seemed like such a judgmental ass on so many levels Vanessa hadn't been in the greatest of moods. it had caused a slight rift between she and Nate so far that she'd slept on the couch and left before he'd even gotten up in the morning. She was still staying at his apartment without being home due to the fact that Ruby was suddenly on her 'honeymoon' at some tent city somewhere. Alone was out of the question when no one knew where Scott was. of course that wasn't something she'd tell Rufus about, even if he hadn't raised him Scott was still Rufus's son.

"He's about two weeks behind now and they don't know why. I don't know the woman had a problem with treating me apparently. It's nothing I'm not used to believe me. I was just glad it was over when it was before Nate said something he shouldn't have."

* * *

"You tell me he sent you and I swear to god I'm going back home tonight whether my sister is home or not! How many times do I have to say that I don't need a baby sitter? I mean damn it, I'm not a little kid."

Vanessa said pointing a finger at Chuck as soon as she stepped onto the sidewalk outside of the gallery. He was standing there with a smirk on his face as he leaned against the door of the black limo that was wide open and she guessed waiting for her. Vanessa hated having an escort, there was no need for it, and she liked taking the subway. It didn't matter if the heat outside was hot enough to fry and egg on the sidewalk she didn't need special treatment. How much clearer did she have to make that fact before someone listened to her? She sighed and crossed her arms above her stomach waiting for him to respond to her. It better have been a pretty damn good response or she was walking away without looking back.

"Relax Vanessa this is exactly what he told me not to do. What neither of you realize is that you are clearly one of the most hated people on the East Side right now. I'm pretty sure Penelope has the rest of the headbands in order to take you down on a mission to save Nate's freedom. I'd rather not see anything to you or the shrimp, not that I don't want to see anything happen to you, I just don't feel like listening to Nate whine about it if something were to. don't get the wrong ide… why am I explaining things to you? Just get in the damn car."

Growing impatient with her he motioned again to the inside of the car as she rolled her eyes and started to walk past him. He should have known he'd have his work cut out for him. She was especially stubborn lately, more then she'd ever been. With every day that passed that she felt her losing herself more and more the more impatient and stubborn she became. She needed to hold onto one aspect of her former self before it was all gone completely. Before she could get more then a few steps out of his way he grabbed her wrist lightly and tugged a little to pull her back in the direction of the car.

"Vanessa… please?"

Hearing Chuck say the word please alone made her cave with only slight resentment. Chuck Bass never said please about anything. it had to mean he was serious. Rather than making a bigger scene she tore her wrist out of her hand and stomped to the limo like an angry child.

"Happy?"

She rolled her eyes as she slid over to the other end of the limo as he too got in and shut the door. She could tell by the smirk on his face he knew she'd eventually cave. Vanessa would have put him through more torture if she felt like sleeping at the gallery but home with Nate sounded pretty good. After their argument the night before making up sounded pretty good, among other things.

"The headbands are more brutal then you think, especially when Blair doesn't approve of something either. I'm sure you got that one loud and clear the other day though."

Throwing a bottle of water to the place next to her she picked it up and unscrewed the cap to take a sip. The other day had been a nightmare, Blair had simply left early rather than going to Anne's memorial. It wasn't till three days ago that Vanessa had gotten out of the shower only to walk out on Blair screaming at Nate and throwing every available name in the book at him regarding her. Nothing less had been accepted of course. Sleeping with Chuck and Nate had made Vanessa public enemy number one. Regardless if Blair hadn't exactly liked her to begin with the feelings only seemed to intensify now that 'she'd slept her way into the East Side'. Thinking at it now it all made her roll her eyes. She hadn't expected the outcome of everyone finding out to be good anyway. The results hadn't even been good when she'd found out if she recalled correctly.

As if her negative thoughts were transferrable to the baby the kicking that started made her scrunch her nose. It was still strange and unreal to her, feeling it actually moving. Not that she wasn't grateful; with her partly unsatisfactory appointment knowing that it was there was a part relief. There was also a small part of her that liked to hear Nate's conversations with it after he thought she was asleep. He turned into someone no one would have guessed he could be. No one besides her.

"Something wrong?"

Concern crossed his face as she raised her head to look at him confused for a second before she realized she'd been following the kicking with her hand and her eyes. Her thoughts had completely strayed from where she was or what she was doing. Worry about the headbands hadn't ever crossed her mind. She wasn't afraid of them, they could do whatever or say whatever they wanted. Vanessa had enough things on her mind to worry about with everything around her.

"Oh, no nothing, it's just… moving. I think someone would rather be teaching the Lacrosse freshman with Nate rather than tagging along to work with me."

Shrugging her shoulders she shook her head at him. She watched him as he watched from her face to her stomach with interest. She raised an eyebrow at him when his interest hit her like Ele's did whenever she said it was kicking.

"Come here Chuck"

He looked at her like she was crazy for a moment and started to shake his head to make a snarky comment that he swallowed after a moment of curiosity passed. It didn't take him to long to make up his mind and slide over to her. They both looked at one another for only a second, knowing that if they did to long an argument of some sort would have erupted without a question. She moved her hand off the spot giving him enough room to put his own hand down. They were completely silent and it only took a second before the baby moved another light time. Chuck's hand moved fast off of the spot and Vanessa couldn't help but laugh at him.

"That has to be a very uncomfortable feeling while you and Nate are…"

Before he could finish his sentence Vanessa had clasped her hands over her ears not wanting to hear him finish the rest of his disturbing sentence. Leave it to chuck to bring sex into everything. Typical.

"Exactly how high are you right now?"

He narrowed his gaze staring at her as he moved back away from her and closed his mind clearly thinking about her question. That alone made her shake her head at him and attempt not to laugh at him. Waldorf was making him soft and making him drugged, the things that love did to a person. Speaking of, they were finally stopped outside of the apartment, she was relieved for it being a short ride before Chuck decided to say anything else. He'd re question once he was sober and clean.

"I'm off to dinner with Roman and Harold"

* * *

Seeing them so friendly as she got out of Chuck's limo made Nate unexpectedly uncomfortable. Knowing that they'd been together in ways he didn't want to think about made him want to break their conversation up immediately. Nate didn't like competition when it came to Chuck, Chuck was far too much of a smooth talker for that. It didn't matter to him if she was carrying his baby, she was still too close to Chuck alone for his comfort. Chuck was a sleaze sometimes, Nate wasn't about to deny that and Nate knew quite well that he still deserved hell for what he'd done by 'stealing' Blair before graduation. Dropping the cigarette to the ground he crushed it under his shoe, Tripp had just left, Nate only smoked when he was in company that did or he was stressed. This one was just a company light, he'd felt oddly almost calm lately.

That was as long as she was in a better mood then she'd been in before she'd slept on the couch. That was one thing he couldn't wait to be rid of, pregnancy hormones. All of that were just things he had to deal with and he didn't mind so much. As he put his hand in his pocket and his hands connected with the velvet jewelry box he smiled to himself, it was all worth it. He was sure she'd put up another fight regarding the velvet box but he didn't care. It meant something to him and she'd suck it up, he knew he could get her to. After all he had skipped his mother's will reading just to get it, he just couldn't let her know exactly that and he couldn't let her know exactly what it was either.

He picked up his pace a little bit and caught her hand as she was about to shut Chuck in the limo door. She had a slight smile on her face as he gave Chuck a half wave and pulled Vanessa into an unexpected kiss. For the first time in a while she didn't bother to complain as she wrapped his arms around his neck and kissed him back letting the limo drive off behind them. Nate's hand slid to rest on the sides of her stomach as he continued with the kiss knowing it would more than likely end up all over Gossip Girl. She seemed to be trailing and annoying Vanessa more than she ever had in the past week.

"I missed you today"

Whispering with his forehead still pressed to hers he laced the hands, sidewalk PDA was something they had both participated in from the beginning. It had been the causes for the nearly disaster during the winter formal. The night he'd noticed for the second time that if she walked away from him he'd lose every little grip on reality and what really mattered. She was more than just some random girl he'd slept with on a café floor. She'd in her own way changed him, that was even before getting pregnant.

"I can see that"

Vanessa smiled and he tucked her hair behind her ear and started to lead her into the apartment. He had more up his sleeve then what was in his pocket. She seemed to be in a good mood and after their minor fight the night before he just wanted to kiss her. But first there was something bothering him. Even after Chuck had pulled away the thoughts still nagged at him and tempted to turn Nate's thoughts for the night sour till he knew some of the things he was still in the dark about. The thought of his best friend and his girlfriend together made him shutter, maybe now he knew how Blair had felt about himself and Serena. That all felt like a whole other lifetime.

"You and Chuck were together at Maureen and Tripp's wedding. But were you together . like together together a lot?"

He shuttered again as the words came out of his mouth to her. Pulling Vanessa into the apartment he wanted her closely as she looked away from him. He knew whatever was to com eout of her mouth next wouldn't exactly be anything that he wanted to hear but he needed to hear it. regardless if he had no room to talk. He and Blair had been together a few times. not by much help with him, it had taken him more time then Blair had liked to want her in that way and he never fully had. that just went to further prove that the way things had been like that wasn't the way they always should have been.

"You don't really want to do this Nate"

Shaking her head she took her hand out of his and walked to the couch laying back on it as he sat down beside her. Skeletons in closets were the killers of most relationships, ok, that was it. Tripp really needed to stop influencing him to speak his mind. Tripp double majoring in politics and psychology wasn't good for anyone. Sitting beside her on the couch he rubbed his hand up and down on her thigh, he knew what it did to her, she'd lose more of her train of thoughts to hide things and she'd be next to completely honest.

"It was just sex Nate. Sex, drugs, and liquor. He made me feel good while you were being an asshole. The only reason I'm telling you this is because I don't feel like lying to you, and I know you're going to get pissy about. I needed something Nate, and Chuck was hurting too. You and Blair… I don't even want to get into this one."

He didn't want to hear anymore as he ended her thoughts with a kiss, all thoughts of her sleeping with Chuck were some he wanted to discard from his own mind. Thoughts of her smoking with him, being completely wasted, just another pawn in the life of Chuck Bass. All of it was her own fault, or more so then anything else it was his fault. The only bit that didn't cross his mind was that there was one innocent victim in the madness surrounding Chuck and Vanessa's rendezvous. The baby had also been subjected to the stress, chemicals, and drugs that came from that error. That was only something that stuck out sourly in Vanessa's mind and made her worry still. Even if it was pushed as far back in her mind as it could be there was still a chance that everything could have had some type of effect.

His lips still traveled her neck and lips as his hand slipped into his pocket while he had her contained from protesting and complaining. He knew as long as she couldn't talk she couldn't tell him no. it was only once he'd opened the jewelry case and slipped the item out of it that he eased up his kisses and looked at her.

"I have something for you, something that you can't complain about you just have to take. It means a lot to me ok? Just don't complain."

As she opened her mouth to protest he kissed her again slipping his hands around her neck to clip the clasp shut. Pulling back once the pendent was hanging from her neck he loomed over her as she looked down and shook her head. He half expected her to take it off and yell at him for trying to give her something she wasn't worth. But she didn't protest, she just looked at the purl and diamond combination and sighed a short sigh before pulling him back down to her by the neck.

"Ok, this isn't comfortable."

Vanessa mumbled pushing him away from her as he obliged and sat up enough for her to sit up too. She was after his lips again only seconds after as she stood up and pulled him by the collar of his shirt to follow her into his bedroom. He wasn't about to hesitate as he lifted his shirt and pulled his shirt off leaving it in the doorway between the living room and bedroom. She didn't complain as her mouth attacked his fiercely before pushing him down on the bed. Now this was a side of her that he'd missed in its absence.

Sitting on top of his lower half now he slipped his hands under her shirt and began to pull it off of her till something caught her eye and she stopped their kiss to reach for it. he should have known it wasn't going to be anything good. As soon as he noticed what was in her hands he put a hand on his face. She wasn't going to be very happy with him, that he knew for sure. He watched her eyes scan the document that had been addressed to him to begin with.

"Nate? What are you? No!"

Her words were jumbled together about as badly as her mind was from what he could tell. He reached to take the acceptance letter out of her hands and she held onto it tighter the anger coming to her face as she shook her head at him.

"How could you seriously not tell be about this? Nate, You've wanted USC forever! Do you honestly think that I'm going to let this just pass you by like it's not a big deal? I mean damn it Nate, You can't do this. Don't you dare say it's because I'm pregnant. That just even further proves what a mistake this is. I don't want it to be this way for you Nate. It's not fair to you."

Laying there with his eyes shut he refused to look at her. If he did he knew he'd see the disappointment in her eyes as she talked. Because she knew him better than anyone else, she knew that sure, if things had been different he would have jumped on the opportunity. Things weren't different and he needed to stay in the city. They were having a baby, there was no way Nate could have just run out on her. He wasn't going to do that to her, not to them. That wasn't the type of person Nate was. Besides he couldn't think of an actual reason why he would want to. They were the only ones he wanted, she was the only one he wanted.

"Vanessa don't do this. Please? Can we get back to this?"

He attempted to persuade as he tried to pull her back down but she resisted him. Well arguments were truly a buzz kill when it came to what they'd been doing prior to. Why he'd even taken the letter out to begin with was beyond him. Sure, part of him wished everything were normal again. That he was looking more forward to starting college then he really was. His nerves toured December blocked most of his thoughts regarding anything else. Fears he knew she shared but he'd vowed to keep to himself rather than stressing her out more.

"The very first day we met you gushed about what getting into USC would mean to you when you did it. I can't be the one that holds you from that, I refuse to be. I can handle this on my own, just go, go for a semester and see if you like it. Going doesn't mean you're running out on us it means you're doing something for yourself for once."

Shaking his head he wasn't about to back down and they both knew it as she slid off of him and stood up on the side of the bed looking at him and waiting for him to change his stubborn mind on the matters at hand. He wasn't about to give into her. He gave into her about everything else, this wasn't one of those things.

"It's not important anymore V, damn it, just stop it."

He raised his voice a little bit and she completely stopped and stared at him for a minute wordlessly, Nate knew she wasn't going to be very happy. But, they had enough on their hands to worry about. Why was she so worried about him, wasn't it enough that he was trying to do the right thing?

"I'm not doing this tonight; I'm going to sleep at Chuck's. Will that make you feel better?"

* * *

"Heard you slept at Chuck Bass's last night"

They were standing outside of the brownstone that had been Nate's childhood home as Maureen struck up a conversation Vanessa had been trying to avoid. She'd slept on the floor even after Chuck had offered to share his bed. She wasn't about to push her fight with Nate any further then it had already gone. Though it wouldn't really have mattered any, she was the one that was mad at him after all. He's lied to her and made decisions regarding the rest of his life off of a mistake that she could have very well taken care of without his help. She'd made it pretty damn clear from the beginning that she didn't want what was going on to in any way, shape, or form decide his life for him. If this wasn't deciding his life for him she didn't know what was. From day one she'd know what he wanted most in his future and that was to go to USC. He'd been accepted and he was just going to throw it all away for her? That was just as far as unacceptable as unacceptable got. Over her dead body would she have been the one that took away his dreams from him. She loved him far too much for that. She could handle being pregnant alone, she could do with raising the baby alone while he went to college. If things were truly meant to be then everything would be alright in the end.

"Your cousin is stubborn and stupid. He has so much potential and he just wants to throw it all away for absolutely nothing. From the moment I met him Maureen he's had one goal in mind, he's wanted USC more than anything else. That's everything he's wanted from day one, to do that and achieve that on his own. Now that he's done it he's going to pretend it's not a big deal. I can't see him do that Maureen, I can't be the one that comes in between everything he's wanted baby or no baby I'm not going to be like everyone else in his life. I refuse to be that person. He's got far too much going for him to have one more person be a weight around his neck to drag him down with. One of these days he's going to wake up if I let him throw this opportunity away and he's going to resent me for it. I can handle him resenting me but I don't want that for this baby. If you look around up here that's what all of these people have grown up around, wasted dreams. Why the hell would I want that for this one?"

She shook her head as Maureen opened the door to the brownstone and Vanessa walked in without questioning it. She was too high up on her own horse to think about what they were doing and why. Not that she would have known anyway. Maureen had called to invite her to lunch, nothing had mentioned Nate's old house. She was too busy ranting and raving to contemplate a second of what they were actually doing.

"All I know is that he slept on my couch and talked in his sleep. He loves you Vanessa. he's just trying to do what he thinks is best for you and the baby. He's afraid to be the type that leaves and never comes back. he had close to a deadbeat himself, why would he want to cause that himself? She means just as much to him as you mean to him."

Maureen shrugged as Vanessa stopped on the stairwell and looked at her shaking her head. Everyone kept doing that and it was starting to drive Vanessa a little bit crazy. She had her own thoughts and opinions regarding the little thing that used her as an indoor amusement park.

"It's not like California is on the other side of the world, it's the other side of the US! And, why does everyone keep insisting the baby's a girl? And why are we in Anne's house?"

Looking at Maureen in question Vanessa watched as she took something out of her bag. On the little blue envelope she could clearly make out her name in an idyllic script across the front of it. Vanessa looked at Maureen confused for a moment as she took it from her hand and looked it over.

"I say baby girl because that's exactly what Tripp and I would have wanted. Someone I could dress up and play with. As for this letter, I was given this at the reading of Anne's will yesterday. Don't shoot the messenger I'm only doing what I was asked to do."

Vanessa nodded her head and contemplated not opening it up, did she really want to hear anymore thoughts on how much of a mistake she was making by keep the baby? She got it from every angle why did she need it from a dead person too? But under Maureen's gaze she felt curious, she wasn't sure she could actually resist it. pulling open the envelope she sighed for a second as Maureen finally smiled and nodded her head walking out of the room and leaving her to read it with her own thoughts.

Vanessa,

I haven't been fair to you, not from day one and I know that. I can also tell you now exactly why that is Vanessa. You're the one that makes my son smile, the actual smile that had at one point only been a smile for his mother. A smile that I hadn't seen in ages before you came along. It's a truly scary thing when you learn that there's someone else in the world that means so much to the little boy who's life you were once the center of. I guess I've been raised to be selfish in that way. Like so many of us who were raised and grown up on the East Side we've never truly learned how to share the spot light or what it's like to truly be in love. My mother was a prime example of that. She married for the money and fell in love with a man after. Here, it's not love that you're taught to search for. It's money that over shines envy of happiness.

I told Howie for years that by being with Blair he'd be satisfied and I could handle that. He and Blair have been friends for a very long time. She has enough money that they and their someday children would have been very comfortable and Howie agreed. He too saw the sense that money took in those roles. What neither of us had accounted for was for Nate to find someone he'd actually fall in love with. I guess in a way I've always been jealous watching the pair of you because, with a little secret that I'd rather you not tell my son because with regards to what I've done I'm not sure he can think much less of me, the Captain and I have never been really truly head over heels in love. To see your son having something that you've never had yourself is a little bit difficult.

Then after you two separated Nate fell back into the way he'd been. A cloudy haze of marijuana seemed to follow his every move as he attended more and more things with Blair. He was once again comfortable but the smile never touched his eyes. Then I saw it. First at my cousin Tripp's wedding, I don't believe you noticed what you were doing but I did. Every time you looked at he and Blair together you looked down at your hand which was firmly planted on your stomach. I have to admit, I didn't think anything of it until Jane found a container of birth control under Nate's bed. I had sources that told me it didn't belong to Blair. It was the funeral that most confirmed it for me. It was the way you looked, the way you touched, the way you almost regretfully smiled downward. The shame was written all across your face yet you didn't let it touch you and you tried not to let the feelings crush you.

The way that I acted in the bathroom was inexcusable, but, you never told Nate about that. Even after our little run in in his bedroom you still didn't tell him about that either. If you had I'm sure I would have known. Because if I know anything about my son I know that when Nate is passionate about something he never lets it go. Due to that fact he visits his sister's grave at least once a week, mostly in the middle of the night. He would have hated me for demanding you destroy his child. Because to my son you're as far from just a silly game as silly games get, this baby is blessed. Because he or she has a set of parents who might be young, and might have no clue what they're doing when it comes to raising a child, but it has a set of parents who love each other and want what's best for one another more than anything else in life. Regardless if it's being together or not.

The trial separation he'd insisted upon was to protect you from the Vanderbilt's. He may love his cousin unconditionally but he's seen what Tripp has put Maureen through. It wasn't ever because he loved Blair more then you, he may not have noticed it but I did. It was because he knew if Blair was sucked into their black hole then she'd of been just fine. You on the other hand have more integrity and intelligence then that. You'd of never stood of a second of it. That is also why I know that some day when he slips that Vanderbilt heirloom onto your finger it'll be the first time in decades that's it's worn in love rather than just in title and honor.

You're truly one of a kind Vanessa believe me, it's a big relief to know that I don't have to worry about my son now that I'm gone. Since if you're reading this I'm sure of that one. I'm saddened in a way that I'll never get to meet my granddaughter or grandson, and I'm sure that the only stories he or she will be told will be of how much of a mistake and horrible woman I was. I'm sure that if I had been to stay around it would only have caused problems. This way I know that it's one last obstacle in the way for the both of you. Just, take care of him for me Vanessa. Take care of yourself and that baby also. Because, what you learn to really see in the end is just how much family and your children mean to you.

The key that I've enclosed opens a room that hasn't been unlocked in fourteen years or so. You're more than welcome to anything inside of it, if you want it of course. A lot of it holds a sentimental value and I'm not sure how Nate will feel exactly about any of it. I'd rather not hurt him anymore to bring it up to him directly. So just take a look around and if there is anything that you want please take it. It would mean a lot to me. I'm sorry for the trouble I've caused and thank you for being the one to make my son happy and break the chain so many have fallen into. You'll be a fine mother Vanessa. Even as scary as that sounds now it takes patients and love and I know you have that in you.

-Anne

Vanessa looked at the letter and at the key now in the palm of her hand in shock, the women that she was so completely sure hated her really did have a heart. It was just tragic to know it after she was gone from her son's life. It didn't seem fair on Anne's part. She took a second to herself just reading over the words again as Maureen came back into the room quietly behind her.

"So, Tripp and I were talking, he said that he always loved being so close to Nate but he'd always wished that they were closer in age. I don't know, we were thinking that maybe it would be a good thing for all of us if Tripp and I got pregnant too. The kids would of only been a few months apart."

Raising her head to look at Maureen Vanessa turned up a half smile, at least Maureen and Tripp would have been more ready for it all if it happened. They were married (not that that mattered for much), they had a house, a completely stable relationship to take care of a child in. their child wouldn't be the scandal of the family, that title would still go to her own.

"It wasn't good news though, apparently there's too much scarring for that. Hey, there are still options like surrogacy and adoption right?"

Maureen's smile as she said the words were tense and Vanessa could see that what Maureen was saying affected her more then she wanted it to be known. It once again made her feel like she had everything she shouldn't have and didn't deserve.

* * *

Jen – Uncle Chuck is a very very scary thought in my eyes. I mean come on, he's chuck. Hmm, a little girl he'd teach to play poker regardless of what her parents said about it then he'd be the first one to freak out when she fell and scrapped her knees. The next day the entire driveway would be turned into turf. Vanessa is worried about Scott, I mean, he's still Rufus's child. besides, I think they opened her eyes up to something…

Francesca – and I'd have to agree with… well I can't tell you that now can I?

Poor V, she's running out of place to go now, not like she can sit at the loft anymore. Jenny's a little to stubborn. It's just a good thing the girl isn't afraid of the headbands. I can see them as very very vicious.

Christinamarie712 – Jenny's not happy, as you can tell by the fact that V went to Chuck's rather then to the loft as she normally would have. Vanessa's travels was just to clear her head. And maybe put other options in her mind. Grandfather, well don't worry. He's coming soon.

rocklesson86 – Thank you! I hope you continue reading (: thanks for the review, it keeps me writing.

Pagan-Angel13 – N and V needed some time to process and I still don't think they've had enough. As hard as time apart is they need it more then anything else. There's a lot going on right now, a lot that neither one of them intended on dealing with.

Scott's parents were also to convey something else that I'm not sure anyone really picked up on. Vanessa has a lot to think about, this chapter presented her even more to consider and take in. she's got some decisions to make regardless if Nate likes them or not. She needs to do what's best for all three of them.

I love Chuck, more so lately than ever before. Hope you liked CV here, and remember his actions there were totally drug induced. Chuck Bass is meeting the parents, that's something I would pay to see.

I have to admit that I'm not the biggest fan of Jenny so I really didn't much care how she found out. She wasn't happy and of course she was going to act spiteful regarding it. she still is.

She didn't want to take anything from Anne's death, the last thing she'd wanted to do was for everyone to find out like that but she knew she needed to be there for Nate. Even if they're fighting she knows she loves him, even if she won't say it to him.

Thank you :D now if only I could remember how to do this with Dan and Serena perhaps my other story won't be on a permanent hiatus.

V's coming to decisions that you can't see just yet, that she's not even sure she can see just yet, she's both sure of herself and completely unsure of herself. She's still got a long road yet.

Hope this chapter was as good as the others!

Izzy – Nate was severely sleep deprived, two days straight with no sleep he's destine to say things he shouldn't say and doesn't mean.

There was another meaning to the things that Scott's parents said beside them talking about Scott. ;)

The damn cat was evil! Lol but I'm glad it's still in your mind because it's still got a pretty big role to play. Oh kitty, if only it had a name. lol

Poor V, more decisions and lies, when will she ever win?

ALEX! – does that mean they get better then the last every time? Besides this one of course, It doesn't feel all that great to me. Only bits and pieces of it.

Nate's gotta stop trying to take care of her or she's just really going to flip completely one day. He's driving her crazy with the fact that he refuses to do anything for himself. She needs things to be as close to normal as they can be. And she's going to keep fighting with him on it. especially now that she knows he has chances that he's passing up on just for her. That doesn't cut it.

Chuck is a pain in the neck and he wants the things that Nate wants not that he'll ever admit it, he'll just live it all through Nate. Hmmm, it's going to be a very interesting Christmas. With all things in account of course. Chuck likes watching out for Vanessa, not that he'll say it, and as you can see in this chapter there's a lot more then just that for Chuck, he cares, he really does. Uncle Chuck is still a scary thought. I'm not going to lie.

Yea, I'd want parents to be upset and mad, I mean HELLO! That's not what any parent wants for their child. it's a good thing Vanessa has Rufus, she needs to get it from somewhere and she's surly going to get it from him. She looks up to him. Heehee, had to take that spin with Ruby. I like how the show did it, why not make her even more completely off the wall then she is in the books?

We see the loft so much you kind of start to wonder if V lives on the street or in the gallery :P the first place N always thinks to look for V is at D's because usually that's where she is. :D can you tell that I don't like Jenny at all. Of course! Jenny was probably the one to send the blast, she's beyond unhappy and pissed off about NV and the baby. And I have to be honest, after the dance wasn't one of my favorite NV moments. O.o oddly enough. Oh! And I think I just came up with a new theory on something… I think I have to go re watch some scenes and think about something.

The thing wish S's parents were more about the thing that you figured out today then anything else. It wasn't truly about S at all. She just went there because she felt like it was the right thing to do. Loveeddd CV for that. it was what she needed to feel like she was in a way getting back at them. If only they'd continued onto that more so then they had.

:D have to admit I thought of B/L too after I was done with it that was back when I shipped them! I'm really not crazy about rain scenes to be honest. I think because of the notebook which is a movie that I more then hate! Lol go ahead call me crazy like everyone else does, there's just something about the movie that I don't lie.

I hope that CV went with what you wanted on your requests list. NV have one more and last sweet scene coming up for a while. As mucha s I hate to say it. also! There's something more to the necklace he slipped around her neck. I'm not sure if anyone will really pick it up of course!


	16. Rain On Innocence Left Behind

**Manda's Note**: Ok I would totally have a long note for everyone if I felt good, but my head is killing me, I'm totally stuffed up and I just want to watch Twilight and go to sleep. That's what i'm going to do. so leave me your thoughts on this. I hope you like it, thank you for reading

xoxo

-manda

* * *

He could see her from the lounge chair, he'd been watching her for over an hour while she lay on pool tube casually chatting with Maureen and letting the warm wind blow her around. Every smile her face held, every laugh, every sound he took in. three days he'd have to leave her, he hated the idea of it. Leaving his girlfriend twenty-two weeks pregnant to attend school halfway across the continent, but what she'd insisted on he'd attempt. Her wet hair was drying to a disarray of curls, she had an almost peaceful smile on her face, and the white tee shirt she'd put on over her bathing suit stuck to revile every inch of baby bump. When he pushed his nerves out of the way about it all he couldn't help but take it all in, they had created the baby. Regardless if it wasn't the right time for it or if they weren't ready for it, it was too late for regrets. He'd had far too many conversations with her stomach after she went to sleep to regret it. Besides, when was it ok for a father to truly regret their child, that was left for the parents of the East Side, that wasn't for him. That was the last way he'd treat his son or daughter, that was the last way he'd treat Vanessa.

"She seems calm today"

Looking up as Tripp commented on Vanessa Nate nodded his head. They'd been in the Hampton at Tripp and Maureen's beach house for the past week and Vanessa hadn't seemed more comfortable in weeks. She was out of the eye of Gossip Girl, free enough to breath. She seemed comfortable with Maureen and Tripp, something Nate hadn't expected in the beginning. Not that he would complain about it. it all was quite a relief, normally Tripp didn't like Nate's choices. Blair had been to… well, Blair, Serena was to free and to loose, she drove Tripp nuts. There hadn't really been anyone else, Vanessa was the only one that mattered.

"She slept well, well, besides the fact that I had to pull her away from Maureen and horror movies at two o'clock this morning to come to bed. It's good to see her smiling, after everything that's happened lately I wasn't sure she was going to be ok again."

Reaching for the glass of lemon aid in Tripp's hand he spoke honestly, lately he'd been worried about how everything was affecting her. She seemed to be withdrawn. Even from Dan she hadn't spoken with all too often. He knew that had little to do with Dan himself and all to do with Jenny, things there still weren't ok. Not with how spiteful Jenny was being with regards to Vanessa's pregnancy. Vanessa hadn't done anything to deserve it.

"So, are you going to be ok? I mean with the whole leaving her to go to college thing."

Nate sighed soon as Tripp opened his mouth to mention it. Of course he wasn't ok with it. the thought of it all made him nervous, what if something happened and he wasn't there or able to get there right away. Part of him also had to admit that it bothered him that she was pushing him to go so badly, did she really not want him around? He only had three days left to spend as much time with her as he could, three days before he'd be way to far away to hold her every night. He just needed to live in the moment for now, to take in her happy appearance.

"No, but I have to go and at least try. She'll be happy with that. I'd rather not piss her off for the next few months. She's got enough to deal with, I mean, we both do of course. It's not like getting pregnant was something we'd planned. In some ways I feel like I'm settling into all of this better then she is, I guess because it's all more real for her still then it is for me yet. She's done all the work."

With a scream coming from the pool their conversation was cut short as Vanessa tipped Maureen's float over knocking them both into the water with a loud complaint from both the girls. It all resulted in a war of splashes on both ends as the boys watched on in amusement. Nate and Tripp both looked at one another and shook their heads, for one being a wife and the other a soon to be mother they were both acting like normal typical teenagers without a care. Maybe vacations had been needed from the start.

Maureen was good when it came to Vanessa, she didn't judge her, Nate wasn't sure exactly why. Then again, Nate didn't know all of what Maureen's past was or what Vanessa knew of it. She was better at that then he knew, keeping things to herself. That wasn't exactly something Nate was used to. Not with growing up with Blair and Serena of course. Gossip Girl seemed just to be another person in his life with them, secrets weren't very easily kept. With the way she did things it was all new to him, new and intriguing still, he was pretty sure it always would be she never seemed to cease to amazing him.

"Saw grandfather the other day, he went on for a while about how he can't believe you would be so careless as to let something like this happen. Yet, I think he's proud of you. You didn't cave into following his orders like Maureen and I had when we were in your situation. I was to swayed by the money. Now, it's left me in guilt."

Looking over at Tripp confused it was words and stories Nate didn't know about and hadn't heard before as he spotted the bottle of tequila right beside his glass of lemonade. Tripp was always a nosy drunk when he had a story to tell. He had always been. But this was a story Nate hadn't heard in the past. Most of them only told of Tripp learning to drive for the first time and accidently running over Maureen's dog, that was a story Tripp told all too often.

"What are you talking about?"

He was intrigued now as he glanced at the girls now deep in conversation again after their splashing fits in the water. Maybe he hadn't been the only one to make some sort of mere mistake in the past, quiet obviously it hadn't been handled the way that Nate and Vanessa were handling things.

"Maureen and I were sixteen, Grandfather paid for the abortion, he also apparently paid for someone to do a shitty job and hurt her in the process of it all."

Tripp laced out angrily with a sneer to his voice as he picked up his glass again and took another sip. Nate was about to open his mouth and make another comment but he was instantly shut up as the gate to the backyard was unlocked and two figures came rushing through.

"Nathaniel Archibald! The prodigal half Vanderbilt has returned. Tripp said we weren't going to see you this summer. Nina and I were so disappointed, what's a summer without seeing you're beautiful eyes every morning when I come out for a swim? This makes me summer complete!"

Nate didn't have room to get a word in edge wise as the strawberry blonde ran forward landing on his lap with his face between her hands as she gushed over him and kissed his cheek. Mallorie Sloane and Nina Douglas, there hadn't been a summer when he hadn't seen the both of them. They were his Blair and Serena of the Vanderbilt summer home beach house. Mallorie was a tall strawberry blonde who could have easily passed for a swim suit model with the plastic surgery enhancements that her mother had paid for. Nina on the other hand had always been softer and lighter on the other hand, blonde hair cut to her shoulders. Never the less they'd been two girls that Nate had grown up with, and hooked up with while high. All of that felt like it was a lifetime passed. With the rush of their excitement and the memories of summers past he threw his arms around Mallorie in a tight hug for only a moment's time.

"I was starting to think you two had stayed in California for the summer, it's been quiet around here."

Teasing her made Mallorie stay perched on his lap in a slightly over friendly manner that anyone would have picked up on. Without another second Nate started to feel uncomfortable as he attempted to peer around her only to have Nina block his view of the pool. He wanted to glance at her just to know that she was ok, all afternoon he'd been constantly watching her with Maureen. If he only had a few days left to do so a moment out of his view was too much.

"As if we could say away from you for a whole summer Nate, are you crazy? But Tripp told us you had a lot going on. Not that he'd tell us what exactly. Though I imagine it has something to do with the newest girl in your bed. Tell me, what's she like this time? Personally I have to say I'm just glad it's not Blair, she never did seem like she knew how to please very well. Nate, we both know that you've had far better than that, and you deserve far better than that."

Letting Mallorie talk he didn't budge to give her one second of information out of his mouth as Nina finally moved to ruffle his hair. He had a clear view into the pool where Vanessa and Maureen were still swimming like they hadn't noticed anything. That was something about her that he both loved and didn't understand. She didn't make a big deal out of things, even when he gave her every reason not to trust him. When she laughed at something Maureen had said and she looked up their eyes met for a moment and she offered a short smile before going back to hiding herself in the water by a float. Even with Mallorie and Nina in front of him he could have seen straight through them to her through a crowded room.

"Come on Nate, time to give us some…"

Mallorie cut herself off as she turned her head to look in the direction that he was looking in. he knew Mallorie's eyes had found her as they widened to their fullest deep greens and she hopped off of him in an instant, to get a better look he guessed. It wasn't a hidden move as Maureen moved in front to block any views, Nate knew it was only because Vanessa didn't want a big deal being made, which meant not saying anything about the pregnancy unless he wanted to sleep on the couch for the night.

* * *

Sprawled out on the floor of the living room Jackson sat beside her head, Steven lay on his stomach beside her, Nate rested his head back on her stomach lightly, and Noelle sat on top of her legs tracing a straight line over her tank top across her belly button every few moments. Part of her already missed the quiet of Maureen and Tripp's beach getaway, not that she'd of given up a second of time with the kids or with Nate. She just knew that being at the beach house there was more time before Nate left, before there were dozens of miles between them that meant that he couldn't get to her in a fraction of a second. She knew she'd been the one to insist it, and she knew that space between them would give them both time to think out what their next moves would be. Space between made it better for them both to think for themselves without anything literally in the way of right minds. The miles would be a good thing, at least, she hoped it would. It was just the paths that their lives needed to take before they were thrown the actual curve ball. A kicking, screaming, gurgling curve ball that they couldn't give back, the thought made her shutter.

"How about Finnegan? You know, Finn for short."

She should have known he was up to something when he was so quietly resting on her stomach without butting into her reading. Nate didn't usually stay very still or quiet for too long unless he was listening to his head phones to loud in his ears. She couldn't hear The Virgins pouring out from the white buds that she didn't see so she should have known he wasn't listening to anything. with everything she had on her mind to think about finding a name wasn't very high on her priorities list. It was more like trying to decipher whether or not they were doing the right thing in regards to the innocent little child that came far before anything else.

"Finn? Will you please stop watching finding Nemo with these three Nate, what kind of a name is Finn Archibald? It's bad enough you've already labeled your baby with the nickname of squirt."

Cora added in her two sense and it was something Vanessa was grateful for. Even if she wasn't ready to look at baby names Finn was most defiantly one that was not on her list of possible ones. As cute as hearing Elle call the baby a fish was the baby likely wouldn't think it all very funny. Finn Archibald sounded more like a punishment then a good name. If the baby was already doomed from before he took his first breath the last thing she planned on doing was cursing it with a name it couldn't overcome also.

"Cora has a point"

Adding vaguely she put the book she was reading in preparation for her first college lit class down to look at him for a moment and shake her head in disagreement. He had lost the round, Cora seemed to know better, after all, she had picked three good solid names for her three children without hesitations. She'd give into him and play along for a little while long as it would make him drop the subject faster.

"Everlee?"

The next suggestion that came out of his mouth made her stop for a second from flipping the next page in her book. It didn't sound half bad she decided as she said it over in her head, trying it out for size. Suddenly part of her wanted to sit up and take part in her thoughts, if she let herself get closer to the situations she might have put her book down and willingly participated. But she wasn't ready to do that just yet, not ready to admit that every part of it was actually real. Giving the baby a name would make it so that she felt like all of her decision were made for her. In twenty weeks her life as she'd known it prior to her carelessness would all be completely over with no shot at going back on it to what had once been. As selfish as it sounded she wasn't sure she could handle that.

"Everlee doesn't sound so bad"

Vanessa said only half giving in as she shut the book and placed it down on the side of her watching him flick through pages of the name book. Any normal college student would have been going through the college course book trying to chance some last minute classes, not attempting to choose the name of a child. It wasn't one of Vanessa's good days, she felt more down then anything, more regretful. She had since she'd listened to the girls at the beach house fall all over him. As crazy as it sounded she felt guilty for tying him down while he was away, she didn't feel like she had a right to do it.

"I like Sarah! Or Holly!"

Ellie said adding her two sense in as Cora picked her up off of Vanessa's legs and kissed her cheek as both Vanessa and Nate watched. The way Ellie threw her arms around Cora's neck and buried her little face into her mother's cheek made Vanessa and Nate exchange a look with one another. Unconditional without any hesitation, that was the love they saw between mother and daughter, what they'd both hardly had any of. That excluded what they'd learned for one another.

"I don't know about the name Sarah"

Shaking her head with the image of Georgina in her head she looked at Nate who she knew would protest the whole Holly thing, it was to Blair like. She was no Waldorf and neither was the baby. Lucky for everyone involved it seemed. E

"Back on the track of unusual there's always Zev"

They all stopped what they were doing and looked at her some faces wore shock and surprise, she'd actually opened her mouth and volunteered a name. Something Nate hadn't been expecting her do to. With her constant change in moods every once and a while he should have been expecting her to do anything that wasn't usual, she was more erratic than ever.

"That sounds like what Steve and Jack wanted to name the puppy in the window of the pet shop in Jersey!"

Noelle chirped out and clapped her hands like it was oh so amusing making both Nate and Vanessa look at one another and shake their heads. maybe giving the baby the same name as a dog wasn't the best idea.

"Well, how about Azalea? You did say it was your favorite flower Veevee, it's a pretty name and it's different too!"

It was the first time Jack had added his thoughts on the matter into their conversation and it made them all stop. Vanessa smiled, it didn't sound like such a bad idea and Jack was right about it being her favorite flower after all. Nate lifted his hand to high five Jack, seemed like someone had finally caught Vanessa into giving an actual thought to it. Something that Nate had been starting to think no was going to make her do.

"Alright fine, Nate, hand me the book"

A reluctant smile was on her face as she put her hand out and waited for him to put the name book into it. he'd twisted around to lay on his stomach, chin resting on hers as he watched her go through the names biting her lip and shaking her head in reaction every once and a while.

"Cael"

She said it once and a smile spread over her face that Nate noticed as he thought about it and let it sit in the air for a second. It was different and unique without being to strange. Just like Everlee it sounded good, it was one he knew would defiantly be put into the possible category.

"How about Kenzie? Or Jade?"

Steven's turn to suggest from next to them Nate and Vanessa both nodded their heads, the later of the two names sounded like it could defiantly fit well. Nate looked at Vanessa for her opinion only to find her not looking at him or the book but suddenly looking out the window into the pouring rain falling down to the sidewalk.

"Enough of all of this, come on, let's go to the park and play for a while."

* * *

Running his hand along the antique cherry wood he closed his eyes and smiled. He'd been too young to make an issue out of being kicked out of it at the age of two. To him the new room with the blue walls was much cooler then the plain old white and wood. Dust came off on his hand as he lifted it to his fingers; it had had years of not being cleaned or even touched. The early evening sun was setting making the sun burn orange through the glass and giving the room an eerie glow. It graced the photos that hung on the walls. Photos of him and Ruthie in their mother's arms rocking in the Italian rocking chair, pictures of him holding his baby sister, and kissing her forehead come the time the tubes weren't ever removed. It was hard being back in the room, it had been locked since he was around four as it was. There was something about it that felt almost right, knowing that his mother thought about any of it before she'd selfishly backed out of life.

He took a deep breath, it might have been long ago but that didn't mean it made the pain hurt any less. It was only after Ruthie's death that he'd watched both of his parents, mother and father, deteriorate from the loving parents they'd been at one point to the callous people they'd turned into over the years. All through the death of their youngest child and only girl his parents fallen apart. The thought of it made him reach for Vanessa's waist and pull her closer to him. He may have lived his life in a confused fog but at least he had a reason to. His childhood hadn't been as easy as the outside world thought. Chuck, Blair, and Serena had been the ones that had known it, they'd excused his confusion with a dismissal of the hand. It wasn't a big deal. Nate hadn't known any type of clarity till Vanessa had come into his life. Now even if things were a jumbled up mess at least he knew that he loved her, even if she couldn't and wouldn't say it back to him he knew he loved her. He also know the things he didn't want for his own child's childhood.

"Are you ok?"

Nate heard her voice but it sounded miles away regardless if she was right in front of him. Between college starting in a few weeks, a baby coming at Christmas time, and all of the other things he had to worry about surrounding him, surrounding them, Nate couldn't remember what it was like for things to be normal anymore. a part of him missed normalcy, and knowing that eventually things would be ok. The last thing he wanted to do was to leave her and go up to USC, it had been all he wanted but that was before she'd come into his life. Now, the thought of being that far away from her scared him. It wasn't because she was pregnant, it was because she had every right to change her mind about him and decide there was someone better than him that she wanted. He'd given her every reason to find someone else. Had Scott not been a complete psycho then she might have found someone else, he'd seen her happy around Scott. That was the thing that scared him the most. The thought that he could lose her to someone else at any point because of the stupid mistakes that he'd made in the past of putting her behind everyone else.

"Huh? What? Yea, I'm fine"

Stumbling over his words as he kissed her forehead and lifted his hands from her waist to her neck to fix her necklace so that it was straight rather than twisted. She hadn't even argued over the gold or diamonds that hung around her neck. He made a mental note to tell her that everything he gave her was important to him, if that made her not complain then it was completely worth it. it was something important to him, more important then she understood. As the darkening light caught the diamonds they sparked and he allowed a reflective smile to touch his eyes. One that he knew she'd spotted as she put her hand on the side of his face and pulled him closer in for a kiss. Just a simple one while he put his arms around her pulling her as close as he could with the slight bump in the middle of them.

They'd been in the nursery room all afternoon just talking and going through things. He'd watched her sit in the rocking chair looking threw a photo album of himself and Ruthie's photos, she'd hugged random stuffed animals, and brushed her fingers over old gifted clothes that hadn't been touched in a decade. All of it had seemed so natural for her, so right to watch her in there. It told him they'd be alright in time.

"I don't want to leave you tomorrow"

Tucking a strand of hair behind her ear he kissed her forehead before pulling her into a hug, but, there was something in her hug that gave him a sudden doubt that something wasn't right. He pulled back from her for a second and she was biting the inside of her cheek. They both looked at one another, hesitation to talk on both ends. Whatever it was that was on her mind wasn't good, it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. She had something on her mind and he had any bet on the fact that he wasn't about to agree with whatever it was.

"The look on your face, change your mind? I'm sure if I beg grandfather enough hr can pull some strings at Colombia and get my old schedule back."

Though he knew it wouldn't be true he figured he'd try anyway. Of course Vanessa rolled her eyes at him and shook her head like he was crazy. At least he'd tried, he'd have something to remind her of when she called him at night.

"I didn't change my mind and actually I don't think you're going to like what I have to say very much but just think about it Nate. I think it's what's best for the both of us. I'm not saying it's for good but I think we should end this for now. Before you open your mouth and protest Nate think about it, California is thousands of miles away from here. You're going to have temptation all around you and I don't want you to feel like you're doing anything wrong. Just for now, I just… I don't think we should be us, well, together."

Looking at her quizzically he thought she was nuts. The words coming out of her mouth were a breakup of sorts. A break up when the last thing that they actually needed was to be separate, he wanted to be there with her rather than being anywhere else. But she was stubborn, stubborn and he was tired of giving into it all.

"No way in hell Vanessa, what are you even saying?"

She pulled away from him shaking her head, he wasn't going to listen to her and she'd known it wasn't going to be that easy to make him. But it was the way she knew things needed to be done. He'd know it too if he really looked at the situation at hand. He was going away to college, college was full of parties and other worries that he needed to take care of. None of it said he had room for a pregnant girlfriend tying him down without him feeling lost and stuck. She didn't want to ever be the reason he felt that way. He wouldn't be able to see it right then but he'd see it once he was there in the summer like sun with the girls falling all over the hottie from the east coast, it wasn't that hard to see.

"What I'm saying Nate is that we need to break up. We need to be free to do our own thing for a little while. If it's all meant to be it'll all be fine in the end Nate. Just do it, please? If you won't do it for yourself then do it for me. Go an just be normal for a semester, don't worry about me or the baby just worry about yourself and your classes. Have fun"

Her eyes were shinning and he could see that she was trying to do it all for him once again, trying to make him happy. If course it sounded tempting, to pretend nothing existed and that he was completely free of all worries. But he wasn't and they needed one another.

"I love you Nate, that's why I want a break from us."

Nodding her head she moved back to him and put her hand on his cheek again as he shut his eyes at her touch. He knew right then that they really were over and he did need to take a slight step back. they were words he hadn't heard her say in far too long, and he knew she meant them. He'd follow her rule again only till December, till they painted rooms and re arraigned furniture. The baby stood as his promise that all would eventually be alright.

* * *

"So have you met these people at all yet? At least their colors don't seem so bad… red and royal blue. It's not like you're stuck with some over the top pink priss. Who knows V, you might even get along with them. Not that you're anywhere near one of the easiest people to get along with anyway"

Dan was laying on Vanessa's bed in the dorm as she hung pictures up with sticky removable Velcro, a dozen of she and Dan, one of her and Nate, a photo of Cora and the kids, all the usual. They'd been working all day on perfecting her lime green and orange side of the room, and joking around like little kids. She'd been put in a triple, what she could gather from them wasn't much. All so far that had been done were beds had been made. She eyed the blue side of the room, there was something about it that she couldn't quite put her finger on. With the bet that Dan had made with her that she wouldn't like either of her roommates' right from the start she decided to shut her mouth and wait till they came in before she started to tag them with issues. After all, they could put a label on her as soon as they walked in themselves.

"Not once, they haven't been here all day. They had to of come in while we were out for lunch."

She shrugged finishing up the last picture before crashing down beside him on her new bed on her back. it was going to be hard to live in the dorm, to not be anywhere near Ruby at nights. But she was 'married' now, Lara had married her and Courtney in a meadow high of course. Where that counted on the list of marriages Vanessa wasn't sure but to Ruby it counted. Whatever made her happy, she just hoped that someone would rush her to the hospital whenever she needed it. Those were things that Vanessa couldn't linger on. She had enough to worry about and deal with.

"Maybe they'll decide they're not coming and you'll get this place all to yourself. Then I'll just take one of the other beds and live in here. Better then the football player I got stuck with in my room. Total obnoxious jock, there's already been too many parties to count in my room and night fall hasn't even come yet. I swear I don't know what I'm going to do."

Catching her rolling her eyes at his words he shrugged his shoulders. It was wishful thinking of course. No one ever had lucky like that, especially not Vanessa. In all the years he'd known her if anything followed Vanessa it was bad luck. If it had been good lucky then she wouldn't have had to stare clear of the loft, there wouldn't have been a baby for her and Jenny to be fighting over. That's all Dan thought of the baby, it was just bad luck that was going to turn her life inside out. That was all, a careless mistake that if two people were more careful could have been avoided, one that she would never again get away from. it would be the first and only time he and Blair Waldorf actually agreed on something, that something was the fact that a baby by Vanessa and Nate at such a young age shouldn't have existed. It would only destroy the both of them rather than anything else.

Proof came from the break up she'd told him she'd purposed. That alone showed that none of it was ever going to work out and the child it's self would be screwed with any outcome. He'd known his best friend almost their entire lives, she wasn't cut out to be a mother now. he wasn't sure if she was ever really going to ready to be a parent. She was too much of a free spirit to be confined to taking care of a child for the rest of her life. The baby was already better off being raised by strangers and nannies in Nate's home then tagging along with Vanessa. as much as he loved his best friend he had little courage in her to be a good mother. Mother wasn't a word he ever would have associated with Vanessa Abrams.

"V…"

He started only to be cut off by her annoyed look, a look he'd learned to know better than most over the years. She knew what he was about to say, Dan could see it in her eyes as soon as her mouth opened to speak.

"Don't say it Dan, don't give me the 'you did a stupid thing and I'm worried about you' speech because it's a little too late for that. What's done is done and there's nothing I can do to get out of it. It's more than just some stupid little game Dan"

Sighing she rolled off of the small dorm bed and went back to folding clothes to put in the small set of draws beside her bed. She was annoyed with him and he didn't even have to say another word on the subject. In fact if he did say another word on it she was likely to throw him out and evict him from her room already. If he had to stay with his new roommate and that was it already there was no way he'd survive dorm life without sleeping at home most of the nights.

"There's always adoption Vanessa, between the two of you I'm sure you could find a good home and someone to actually care for the baby. That way you could still have your life Vanessa, the way you want it. just think about it for a while. You'd know it was well taken care of, and you two would be free to do whatever you want without having to worry what the effect was going to be in the end.

He knew he'd gotten her to stop and think about the possibilities, how she could keep her life the way she wanted yet still give the baby a good life it's self. He was giving her the option of a way out and a way to make things right. in Dan's mind it was the only thing that made sense for Vanessa to do anymore. the last thing he wanted to see was to see his best friend struggle with things she couldn't handle. Handling a kid was something he was more than sure she couldn't do. She hardly had patients when it came to Ruby, a baby was a completely different story.

"You have got to be kidding me"

Soon as they'd heard the voice and the exclamation Dan and Vanessa both looked at one another. it sounded like Blair's voice outside of Vanessa's dorm room. They both cringed at the same time. As the door knob turned Vanessa walked her way back to sit down on the side of the bed beside him. They were both exchanging a look of nerves as the door slowly opened, all four mouths in the vicinity of the small dorm room dropped open, there was only one that perked up into a sick over joked smile. Dan snapped his mouth shut and looked at Vanessa who still looked horrified. Vanessa Abrams, Blair Waldorf, and Georgina Sparks had all been assigned the same dorm room. If the year lasted it would be a miracle, if the semester lasted it would be a shock, and, if anyone survived the night it would be completely unexpected.

* * *

Jen- wow! Yay I'm so glad you liked it, and here I was saying that it wasn't my best chapter. Things were far to hidden in the chapter then I'd of liked it to comes out. Vanessa needs some sort of father figure and I figured that Rufus was perfect for that. he'd known her since day one and he's one of the people that knows her the best. I liked Maureen when they first showed her on the show and here Maureen is very important, she'll continue to be important. Anne's letter was to tie up loose ends that seemed to be left up in the air.

I love Chuck! Lol I think this is making me love Chuck more, since I don't much care for him on the show well only toured the end of the season. And yes he's a big fan of the bay, secretly of course, god forbid anyone ever saw it. though just a little thing, Vanessa's more over his number one priority and if he had to choose between the two of course he'd worry more about Vanessa then the baby ;)

Francesca – You'll know soon enough, two or three chapters I believe ;) YOB is currently on hold for a little while, I haven't nearly started on it as much as I hate to admit that. I'll get on it though! I promise!

Cherielle – Thank you :D don't worry, you're not getting to much of a calm breath, what's the fun without the drama right?

Christinamarie712 – :D Rufus is really the only real father that Vanessa knows of course he was going to give her a bit of a lecture. Nope, Nate didn't purpose but there was something more with the necklace. And now I'm pretty sure you know what the key was (:

AryannaMonroe – I love giving people new addictions :P lol I hope the rest of the story lives up to it's beginning.

Izzy – I was hoping you'd be happy with that :P figured that Anne needed to redeem herself somehow. Maybe that made her a little bit better? At least I'm hoping lol

Drastic? Vanessa… neverrrr :P of course that's totally sarcastic, it's all leading up to something of course. I have a reason for it all up my sleeve and you'll see soon, very very soon. Sorry about the grandfather bit, I couldn't figure out how to do it and rather than do it wrong I just mentioned it.

Everything she's done has to have had some kind of effect on… grr and here I am still having to call it it. it has, a baby is only as tough as it can be. :-/

Scary thought isn't it? hmmm well then, we'll see

You haven't, as long as you're still liking it that's all that counts Izzy :hug: you know that.

Alex! – There's so much that I want to write here but I really doing feel good. I have a killer cold suddenly since I was messaging you ealier and it's making me just want to crawl into a little ball, put in twilight, grab my blanket and go to sleep again. I slept all afternoon or you would have had this chapter a lot earlier, I was trying to get it to you, I'm sorry I wish I had.

Hmm you know, when I was writing that one shot I didn't even think about it. I like the CV friendship as we both do. And you know that I love the whole CV sex thing so I'm not going to complain there and I still think it's going to be a bigger deal that's thrown in her face when they fight. Not that he really has much room to talk but he's Nate and he's an ass and he doesn't think. Show wise anyways.

As I told you before I love how you're the only one who figured that out, I wonder if anyone else with jump on the suddle hint I left in this chapter. ;) hmmm mentioning steamy NV makes me want to work on one of the ten dozen one shots I have started :pout: I wish I felt better or I'd do it right now. The writers are a bit incompetent to Nate's dreams just fade but rather I like your idea of it there. As for here Vanessa's stubborn, she doesn't want him to miss anything just because he got her pregnant, damn it woman! Can't you just think selfishly for five seconds, goodness gracious if there was ever a masochist in my stories it's V by far. She only spent the night at C's because she knew it would piss off N, and that's what she wanted. She can't go to Dan's, she won't dare go after the argument she had with Jenny. Jenny's evil. Here's your DV scene, I think you'll like it. and thank you for the review darling, you know it made my day as always :kiss: can't wait to hear what you think.


	17. I Used to Rule the World

**Manda's Note**: want to know what the worst thing ever is, when you have a chapter all set and ready to post and at last second the word document decides that it doesn't want to open at all. yea, this chapter would have been up a week ago if the stupid computer wasn't a loser. now due to my wonderful best friend Katie I have the chapter done. without her I would have wallowed in self pitty over losing it. but now its done :) better things are coming!

* * *

The summer had faded fast into the cool air of mid September, leaves had changed turning the city into a beautiful mix of red, orange, and yellow colors. Fall had always been Vanessa's favorite time of year. This year was no different, consisting of trips to central park so she could film the people walking and enjoying the change of the scenery also, late night study sessions to cram for tests with new friends she'd made, and working far more hours then she'd ever worked in the past. It was all in a day for Vanessa. She did anything to keep her mind off the fact that issues were mounting up around her and she couldn't fix them for anything, the top thing in the category was the pregnancy. With school finances, Ruby's rent, and food on the top of her bill the night shift that she worked at the café and between classes and morning that she took care of the gallery for Rufus she was close to achieving the income she needed. However that didn't leave her a dime for medical. She'd be damned if she was going to be anymore over her head in debt then she already was with student loans. So Planned Parenthood just had to wait. It seemed like every other week she'd either canceled or put off her appointments, she just didn't have time. Everything felt normal at twenty-six weeks, nothing to worry about. It kicked on a regular basis of two in the morning and hardly ever else, just enough to allow her to forget the issue at hand partly.

The only issues that she really needed to deal with was not killing her roommates. One had separated the room with tape on the floor and the other liked to butt in where she didn't belong. Living in the same room with Blair and Georgina was almost as bad as being in hell. It had been four weeks since Nate had left and Vanessa hadn't talked to him in three. She just hadn't had time to sit down and have a conversation. They'd both settled for answering machines, he was much more hesitant on them, his worry showed. Other then the problems in her life there was school. The Tisch School of the Arts at NYU was everything Vanessa had always wanted. She was finally in the ranks of people like her, people that understood her. She'd never cared so much to be understood, it was just being able to run with the people who didn't think she was crazy for her ideals that made her feel good.

Her late evening class had been canceled by the professor at last moment and Rufus wouldn't let her take on another three hour shift, as though it would be too much for her to handle. She knew he was only looking out for her but Vanessa liked to be busy. She didn't have to think about things when she was busy. Without having any place to work and only ten dollars to her name she knew where to go, a place she not only didn't have to deal with people but a place where she felt she needed to go with Nate not around to do it. That's what lead her to where she was, laying on her side by the fifteen year old faulty headstone. Her theory of modern film book was on the side of her as she hugged her sweatshirt closer around her body. Nate's sweatpants and sweatshirts that he'd left in the apartment were the items she lived in, anything that would hide as much of her expectancies as she could worked well.

"Justin, I told you I needed it done yesterday! My grandfather cut my cousin completely off and he has expenses that he needs covered now, I need you to open the off shore accounts up now."

She knew Tripp's voice without even having to look up and if she had to bet on which cousin he was talking about she was almost positive that she'd be right. Now she knew exactly why his voice was sounding so worried lately, he had more to deal with then he could handle too. There was just too much to pretend everything was going well.

"It should be in Nate… no, Nathaniel Archibald. His name is on the things that I sent you. He's the one I told you about… yea, that was grandfather's final threat. He doesn't get another dime till he's twenty-one, grandfather thinks it'll teach him a lesson… because he's a bastard, as if Nate needed anything else to worry about. You took care of his rent for me right?"

Pulling herself up off of the ground with the strength she could find she brushed off her hands on her sweatpants and slid her hands inside of her sweatshirt pocket. This was one of the many reasons why she didn't want to go through with everything in the first place. She didn't want anything to change or happen to him and here he was losing everything and it was her fault. She needed to think up a way to make it all go away before it was too late. There had to be a way to fix things before Nate had nothing left. Her mind told her that she and the baby weren't worth it, they weren't worth him losing everything he'd ever known over. They were two different people with two different life styles, that was why she'd sent him away in the first. She didn't want to be part of that world and she didn't want him to have to become someone that he wasn't and didn't want to be. Over the past few weeks Dan had instilled it in her head that it wasn't what Nate wanted, it wasn't what any guy would have wanted. She hadn't always listened to her best friend, what reason did she have to not to this time? It didn't matter if he was still in a way upset over Serena and Carter, she still knew he was usually right on things, even if she didn't normally admit it.

"I wired him eight thousand dollars cash this morning and I… you have to excuse me Justin I have something I need to take care of."

She'd been spotted, it didn't take a rocket scientist to know that when he held up the 'one moment' finger it was to her. That and there wasn't exactly anyone else in the cemetery at the point in time for her to brush it off on. She wasn't exactly all that hard to miss anymore, Nate's sweats could only hide so much of her.

"You really shouldn't have heard any of that. Nate's going to kill me. You don't have to worry about any of that V, Maureen told you if you need anything just come to us… speaking of, are you feeling ok? You look exhausted. Maureen said she's tried to call you all week and you haven't pick up. We were starting to worry about you."

Picking up a half smile that she knew Tripp would never see as transparent she shrugged. Vanessa knew she was running herself into the ground but in order for things to work she also knew that she didn't have a real choice in the matter. There was so much that she needed to do with little time to do things. Vanessa didn't know how to get herself out of her own mistakes and lies anymore.

"I didn't think it was possible before but I think you and Maureen worry even more then Nate does. I'm fine I've just been busy putting in extra hours and taking care of school things."

Referencing the book in her arms for show the attempted to brush off any worry, handling things by herself was something she'd always done. In the past week she'd even attempted to brush off Dan who wouldn't stop either telling her to consider her options or complaining about how Gossip Girl spotted had followed Serena all the way to Brown with Carter. Life changed, people changed, it was all just a fact of like. Nothing to stress over, just things to deal with slowly.

"Everything was fine at your doctor's appointment last week? Maureen said you had one. Sorry if I'm prying, just want to make sure my newest cousin is alright. I'm guessing Maureen told you the news about the adoption."

Relief swept through her when he talked to much and changed his own subject. That way she wouldn't have to lie about doctor's appointments she hadn't gone to. she did that enough for Nate she didn't need to add others to that ever growing list. Rufus had asked too and she'd completely made up her own response that the baby and herself were just fine. Meeting eye to eye she looked at him confused. Going through her memory bank she couldn't think of Maureen saying anything to her about any of the adoptions she was looking into. Then again Vanessa's mind wasn't very reliable lately. They had to have found someone.

"You found someone?"

When the words left her mouth Tipp shook his head and Vanessa was left still confused.

"No, they told us to come back when we've been married more than a couple of months. Of course Maureen isn't giving up, she's vowed one way or another she'll find a baby. Can't ever hold Maureen down when she puts her mind to something. She's very persistent, she'll figure something out."

Offering him a slight smile she felt her hands tense a little bit over her stomach, she still couldn't figure out why she and Nate were dealing with a pregnancy they didn't know what to do with and at times didn't even wanted when others couldn't get the one thing they actually wanted. There had to be something in back of it all, some reason for everything that had happened so far. Vanessa didn't like to think of carelessness as a reason for it. She'd had far too many conversations after the lights in the dorm room were out silently to accept that.

"Speaking of, I'm supposed to be meeting Maureen for dinner. Want to come with us?"

She shook her head right away without looking up at him. The last thing she wanted to do was tag along and feel anymore guilty. She withdrew from everything lately not wanting to put herself in the public eye for anything else. She was doing well enough hiding from Gossip Girl so there wasn't much to worry about.

"No, just have her call me later. I have midterms to study for and stuff."

Tripp nodded his head listening to her as she stiffened while he hugged her. she should have been used to it, it was normal Tripp. Something nothing would have expected after being around grandfather but, Nate and Tripp had seemed to have gotten well around his straightjacket ways.

"I'll pass on the message V, and, don't worry about the money. Maureen and I will make sure you, Nate, and the baby have everything you need. That's one thing you shouldn't have to stress over. Isn't stress not good for you?"

He sounded more like a concerned older brother as he gave her one last glance before turning away and leaving Vanessa back to wallow in her thoughts again. Things needed to have final decision soon which meant that she needed to give up and actually talk to Nate about what they needed to do. She couldn't shut him out forever and she knew that. Even if she knew that if she did then nothing would change for him. Everything would be just fine and he wouldn't have to worry. Maureen and Tripp wouldn't have had to save him. Maybe there was something out there that would have been best for all of them. Maybe she needed to find that something and solve everything before they were over their heads without a way out of it all.

* * *

A little after midnight he'd finally located her. In a place that he hadn't really expected to find her, a place where he'd pulled his own drunken best friend from time and time again. He should have known that she would have picked up in his place when he wasn't in the city. Nate wouldn't have wanted Ruthie to be alone without anyone there either. Chuck himself hadn't ever been one to visit grave sites; he hadn't visited his mother ever. What was the use when they couldn't hear you? Having a conversation with the ground was something he'd leave for the crazy people. It wasn't Chuck Bass style unless he'd had a little too much Scotch.

That wasn't the case tonight, tonight he was in charge of finding Vanessa. Scott was back in the city. When he'd come downstairs he'd found Lily and Rufus sitting on the couch with the bastard and his parents. By the time he'd gotten ready to go out Scott had run off. The last thing Chuck really felt like doing was giving the news that Vanessa and the child had been killed by the psychopath. After the last time Chuck wasn't about to put it past him. So he'd run to the dorm. Pissing Blair off for the night when he'd asked for Vanessa right away of course. But, while Nate was away Chuck had taken the responsibility of watching over her. It wasn't like Dan was doing a very good job of it. He and Serena had been conspiring to gang up on Vanessa and Nate with their own thoughts regarding what should be done. He was beginning to wonder if he was the only one that saw the things that was going on as their business and only their business.

Never the less Chuck had given up spending the night with Blair to go find Vanessa and drag her somewhere that Scott couldn't get a hold of her. He hadn't expected to find her near Ruthie's grave. At least she wasn't hurt, upset and distraught but not hurt. She and Blair had gotten into another screaming match with Georgina not bothering to intervene. He couldn't count home many times in the past few weeks he'd been called by the wicked witch herself to come and settle down a count of screaming by both of the girls. Every time he did it he swore it would be the last, yet, every time he ended up doing it once again.

"What was it over this time?"

She'd slept a few hours after he'd finally argued her out of the cemetery and to the apartment. Now that her hazel eyes were open and she looked like she was almost awake as he sat down on the side of Nate's bed looking at her. The girls couldn't ever go a night without fighting so it wasn't anything new. Every argument was different then the last.

"She broke the clasp on my necklace, speaking of, did you know that the necklace he gave me was his mothers ring? I can't get over how sneaky he is"

Mumbling out from under the covers she'd pulled nearly over her head Chuck reached for the gold chain on the nightstand next to her. Nate had told him what he'd done but with how stubborn Vanessa was Chuck couldn't blame him. Like he'd said, she wouldn't have taken it any other way. Stubborn and impossible, Chuck had ruled her that right away. Even if they were sort of friends now it was still the same deal.

"Well, Blair has always been very partial to it. It's a piece in history or whatever. Been in the family for years, don't ask me, I don't do the heirloom thing."

He rolled his eyes as he saw her reach for another blanket. With that he knew something was up. Thinking of the last time she'd been like that he reached over to put his hand on her forehead he was instantly met once again with heat. Not as bad as the last time he'd found her burning up. That was the time he was pretty sure she was turning into something from hell. At least thing time she didn't have a hacking cough. This time she didn't seem to be half as sick as she was that week.

"How long have you not felt good?"

Accusing her she looked at him with narrowed eyes as she pushed his hand away and shut her eyes for a moment. The last thing she wanted was him lecturing her. She had to much that needed to be done to be babied. Midterms were coming up and she had study groups to get to, besides working was taking up her life. She hardly had time to be laying in bed socializing. Rufus needed her to open up the gallery. For some reason or other he was busy for the week. something was going on that none of them would tell her and she didn't ask any questions, she had more than enough to worry about when it came to life without still being involved in everyone else's lives.

"I'm fine Chuck, don't worry about it."

She said as she began to kick the covers off only for Chuck to repel against her and pull them back up. When she didn't stop fussing and moving around he started to take out her cell phone and she backed down in an instant to afraid that he'd try and call Nate. That was the last thing she needed. They hadn't talked in weeks; she also hadn't exactly gone to a doctor's appointment in weeks. That was the other reason she dreaded talking to him. She dreaded Nate asking questions she'd have to bullshit answers to.

"You're impossible"

As he said it with a slight sneer she rolled her eyes before shutting them and pulling the covers back to her and relaxing or relaxing as far as she could. She'd been able to block the money trouble Nate was in out of her head for so long on and off she wasn't sure how long it would last.

* * *

Throwing a glance to the blonde laying on the bed in his dorm room in her bikini flipping through pages of Vogue not giving a care if it was in fact the middle of the semester and she'd already missed a week of classes, he didn't question it either. Nate couldn't help but shake his head at her. She was always so typical, never one for a change of course. Conformity had only come when one person told her to jump, other than that she was the one person that had always followed her own rules. He wouldn't have expected any different. Nate smiled to himself letting all of his worries go for a second and drifting back in his mind to a time when worries hardly came with a single care in the world. The days he trailed her around in the playground, the days when it was only the non judging breakfast club. They were days he'd loved in the past yet in another way wouldn't go back to for a single second. He had a life and people who needed him now. More so then he had ever had, even if they were in some ways more stubborn then the non judging breakfast club was. they gave him a reason to actually want to be himself, or at least learn who himself really was.

"How do you concentrate in class? When you're out of it you can't seem to get your mind off of them. Nate, I'm pretty sure when Vanessa said to go to college and get the experience out of it that you couldn't get at home it didn't include sitting in your dorm room pining over being home."

With a square hit to the side of the head with the pillow that Nate hadn't been expecting he dropped the picture frame with the sonogram from the first time they'd seen the baby on the screen to the floor and threw a glare to his best friend. She just rolled her eyes and made her own graceful leap from the bed to the floor to pick up the pieces of glass that had come from it. Even in the middle of September with the weather changing into a slightly cooler temperatures she'd insisted upon going to the beach and playing in the rolling waves even if he'd told her it was too cold. She still couldn't get over just how grown up he'd been acting lately, in a way it scared her. It wasn't typical Nate Archibald, but, she liked it. As though Nate had finally learned how to do something for himself and grow up a little bit. She was proud of him.

He sighed and shook his head as he took the photo from the frame and threw the other remains of the glass away. Every once and a while he looked at her and shook his head, she could be the biggest pain in the neck when she wanted to be. For the past week that she'd been there she'd downed as much Vodka as she had in the past and he hadn't so much as taken a sip. Hardly a shot of tequila had slid down his throat in the weeks he'd been in California. God forbid anyone needed him at home, being drunk when Vanessa called would only have given her one more reason to tell him to continue on with his life.

"Serena lay off ok? Why don't we just talk about your new mess of a love life and get out of mine for a little while. It's not something like an argument S, she's completely shut me out of her life. Damn it!"

Tossing the empty glass bottle from an empty bottle of beer from the night before against the wall he felt Serena push his arm before he turned around to look at her and lecture again. Seeing her pulling on the white dress to cover over her bathing suit he raised an eyebrow as she grabbed the keys to his room off of his desk. It could only mean one thing… she was dragging him out of his room and into the real world. She'd tried it enough times in the past week, Serena should have learned that it was completely hopeless. He wasn't about to come out of his moping state for her or anyone else till Vanessa finally gave in and stopped with her stubborn streak that wasn't helping anyone.

"No, I don't want to talk about my latest fight with Dan being my 'step brother' or about my hookup only relationship with Carter Baizen. I'm done with full forced relationships for now, I mean look at the last few I've had. They've blown up in my face. The last thing I want is You, Blair, and Chuck having to bail me out of yet another one of my near mistakes. Especially when Blair now has her 'perfect' relationship with Chuck in my… I'm sorry! I didn't mean to bring that up."

Her flightily thoughts rambled out of her mouth before she could actually think of what she was saying and all Nate could do was shake his head more. He always did that with Serena. Sometimes it was hard to see how he'd been so hung up on her at one point. She was to moving every second to hardly have a conversation with let alone anything else. When he actually thought about it he knew that was what had attracted him to her in the first place, she wasn't the high collar perfect that Blair was. Serena had been a freedom he hadn't been sure he'd get any other way. None the less that was in the past, now, she was just to moving for him. He liked freedom but it had to have some sort of justified calm to it at the same time.

"You can talk about Blair and Chuck all you want. It's not going to bother me. Blair and I were only together again so we could put an end to that one. I don't regret it, well, the only part I regret is leaving Vanessa alone when she could have used me around. Instead she had Chuck… I thought we weren't talking about this?"

Complaining as she pulled him out the door, out of the dorm and into the bright sun he watched her as she let go of his hand and bounced up and down ahead of him with more energy than a bee high off of honey. Her blonde hair blew in the warm breeze and she swung the keys to his car that Tripp had bought him around her finger as she hopped to the black BMW convertible without pausing to see what he wanted to do.

"Why don't you tell me why you're actually here in the first place S. Because I know it's not vacation and I know it's not because you missed me. You're running away from something, I thought you were done with the whole running thing?"

As he started up the car and she put the windows and top down in the car before messing with the radio he questioned her. He'd tried to get it out of her for a week and she hadn't budged, Serena wasn't usually one to stay tight lipped about anything. Even when drunk she usually told all of her deepest secrets. Why she was in California in the first place wasn't one he'd been able to get out of her yet. Maybe she'd really changed in the time that he'd distanced himself from everyone to try and care for the things that were going on around him in the first place.

"Fine, it's because I have an idea to pitch to you and I don't want you to get mad at me for it. I just want you to think about what I'm going to say. Don't just snap like I know you will. Promise me you'll keep your mouth shut of judgment when I get it out?"

Without waiting for him to make a sound she grabbed one of his hands off of the wheel and looped their pinkies in a promise. She knew he'd listen to her regardless of what was going on in his head. After all, she'd made him promise it. The pinky promise was one the two of them had always obeyed and shared when they were young.

"Serena I…"

He started to protest but was cut off just as soon as Serena opened her mouth and started to talk again. She wasn't about to let him have a word in of complaining before she said what she had to say. She knew he wasn't going agree or like it but in Serena's ears it was worth a try.

"Scott's around again and before you say something against him its ok. He's there with Chris and Becca and with them he's perfectly fine. They and my mom and Rufus are going to therapy three times a week. My point is though, and Dan brought this up first so if you want to flip out on anyone don't let it be me. Rebecca and Chris have done everything for Scott regardless if he's adopted. If face I'm pretty sure they are more dedicated to him then our parents have ever been to us. Becca says it's because he was a gift for her, for the both of them. They still love him after everything he's done Nate. What if you and Vanessa don't raise the baby yourselves? Give it up… find someone who can really do it. that way either of have to give everything up. Dan just doesn't want to see Vanessa lose herself and he's afraid that's what's going to happen to her. he says she's already changed with everything."

His hands gripped the steering wheel tighter and refused to look at Serena, that was the last thing he'd consider. There was no way he would have been able to explain it to her without getting angry. No one seemed to understand that regardless of the circumstances he loved Vanessa and he didn't want to let her go. The separation they were in now was killing him. What would it have been like after Christmas? After the baby was born and he'd held it for the first time. The little kicks were enough to prove to him that something was going right. The year had been a tough one already, suddenly losing both of his parents. Nate would be damned if he lost someone else. Especially if that someone was his child, he knew where Dan stood on it. Dan had said the same thing since the beginning. Vanessa had told him that a few times.

"As I said Nate, just think about it. it could be what's best for all three of you. It's not just your own self you have to consider Nate. There's the baby in the middle of it. you seriously think you can handle all of that without a problem? You won't miss any of the life you've always lived? And don't lie to me Nate. I know what your grandfather did. I know he's cut you off. I overheard Chuck talking to Tripp in his study. You're never going to get any of that back if you go through with it. you'll be screwed Nate. I love you too much to see that happen. We all love you."

Hitting the breaks and pulling onto the side of the road along the beach Nate got out of the car and slammed the door. He was done listening to her. not a word she was saying was making any difference to him. He knew what he wanted and what they needed to do and nothing else mattered. She was being just like his mother before she'd killed herself. Trying to tell home what was best for him. He was sick and tired of everyone always doing that. walking away from the car he never once glanced back at her.

* * *

Jen - Maureen and Tripp only try to do the right thing. They're only trying to help (just have to say that as a heads up) there are baby names and still the baby doesn't have a gender… hmmm ;) the VBG roommate thing is far from done.. you'll see what I mean soon, very shortly. I wouldn't mind so much having Georgie as my roommate but Blair on the other hand I'm afraid I'd smoother her in my sleep.

Christinamarie712 – well, Jenny is still not speaking to Vanessa and Dan's being a pain. Poor girl, she gets it from everywhere. Well so far there hasn't been any bonding or killing one another, just separating rooms and pulling off necklaces. I don't think that would be a room I would want to sleep in without one eye open.

Izzy – eek, I'm going to hide from you pretty soon, yep, very soon

See I'm in so much of a rush to get to the coming chapters I'm truly slacking with the BGV scenes. After the next few chapters I'll get there. Blair knows how to defend her friends ;) even when what's going on is none of her damn business.

Vanessa's a pain, she needs to stop trying to save everyone around her and work on taking care of herself. Will she ever do that? probably not… she's likes to put herself in pain. Eventually she'll wake up and realize she can't do it all alone. The only thing is… will it already be too late to do anything about it? hmmm

Yeaaaa that…. I'm not going to comment on… you'll see :X

rocklesson86 – I wouldn't want them for roommates. Someone might wake up without a pulse.

Alex! – I think it would be so pretty on film lmao, well, at least the Nate lounging with his shirt off. Goodness, I loveee Chace! As you know :P lol

V's just afraid he'll do what he always does to her. The trust is still broken there no matter what he's done to try and show her he's changed and that he loves her. She's to used to him bailing on her and Dan being a whisper in her ear isn't exactly helping any.

Mallorie and Nina were harmless, they just stood to point out who Nate used to be. It made Vanessa remember exactly who he was. I know! That promo I remember having my fingers crossed that it was V. if only the writers were smart we'd all of been happy. YES! But I have to say no matter what I loved Book Nate. More so then the rest of them lmao.

Ohhh! I haven't even tould you anything about G yet have I? o.O

Holly is a very Blair name *shutters* V would never agree to it. Cael… hmmm, pretty cute isn't it? :P

She just wants him to be sure that it's the life and wants and nothing else. He doesn't want anyone else to be stuck in the middle of any other problems.

Now it's been far to long but you know my computer issues, stupid computer :(


	18. I loved you forever: forever is over

**Manda's Note**: That should NEVER have taken as long as it has taken. I'm sorry, I have a lot of family drama going on currently and its summer and things are just crazy. Though, between sitting in the air conditioning and watching season one… backwards, re reading the entire story myself. And being outside in the sun I finally managed to come up with some time to write. I have more that I want to say regarding up coming chapters but I'll keep my mouth shut. It's not nice to tease and it gives way to much away anyways. Now I'm gonna go listen to a mix of Taylor Swift and Boys Like Girls and write some more. Because I'm on a roll and I don't feel like stopping.

* * *

Five inch horizontal stripes in black and white snaked themselves around the room in Vanessa's opinion it made the room look more like a jail cell then a baby nursery. The baby bedding was the softest it could be. Mostly white with little black polka dots all over it, it was a hit at class Vanessa wouldn't have ever picked out. Vanessa could tell that no matter how Maureen attempted to keep the nursery natural her want for a girl slipped through in all of the lace and pretty aspects. Pictures of checker boards and black and white images donned the walls. Everything about the room had been set up and ready as soon as Vanessa had made her decision less than six weeks ago. It should have made Vanessa happy, at least when the baby came to a home in eleven odd weeks when she was due it would have a place to lay its head. At least someone was ready for that to happen. As Vanessa ran her hand along the black crib and looked down at the soft black rug she stifled her own sigh. It wasn't that she was having doubts about everything she was just having a hard time with it all already. Looking around that the nursery made her newest decision all that more real, all that more hard for her to accept.

"You totally hate it don't you?"

Hearing Maureen's voice Vanessa turned to look at her. Maureen was fully dressed in thirties black flapper attire but that wasn't what Maureen meant. She was talking about the nursery she and Tripp had put together. The nursery that they'd be using, it was only important that they liked it, Vanessa didn't have a say in it nor did she want to. It was too much pressure to think about. The fact that she would be putting the little thing she'd been carrying into their arms and encouraging it to call them mommy and daddy. That was defiantly something she didn't want to think about. Even if she still had eleven weeks it seemed like nothing compared to what she'd been through already. It all felt like it was coming to an end far faster then she could wrap her head around. She wasn't sure she was ready to quite say goodbye. Not that any of it was something she'd admit aloud. They were the things she needed to do, it was all for the best.

Halloween, October 31st that was the date. Also the evening of Maureen and Tripp's party, with the amount of invitations Maureen sent out it seemed like she'd invited the entire state of New York. Costumes were required yet Vanessa stood there in sweats. Mid afternoon peeked though the blinds. She hadn't felt well all day, aches and pains that she was sure were completely normal but none the less were there. Most of the night she just planned to hide away somewhere where they couldn't find her. Working from six in the morning to four in the afternoon had completely worn her out. She was beginning to get run down more easily lately as her pregnancy got further along.

"Maureen, You are Tripp are going to be the ones up and in here at two in the morning. It's your baby, what you like matters."

Feeling herself cringe saying the word she turned to the window and glanced out at the already dark surroundings. Part of her wanted to yell and scream that that wasn't the way things were supposed to be and it wasn't the way she wanted things to be, but it was the way she'd convinced herself that it had to be. Maureen and Tripp were better off with the baby. At least they had the time and everything else to learn what they were doing, the right way. She on the other hand had work and classes to complete, a whole life ahead of her once she got rid of the mistakes she'd made in the past few months. She and Nate would both be free but at the same time they'd know that the child would be taken care of. At least it would still be in his family, he'd at least be able to watch the baby grow up. Maureen and Tripp were ready for a baby, ready to take care of someone else and put their own selfish needs aside. Vanessa was sure she wasn't ready for that. She'd just started to live her life for herself, the thought of giving it up made her nervous. Giving it up and then not resenting the reason why she had to made everything feel almost impossible.

"I know, but, V no matter what you say the baby is still a part of you and you know that Tripp and I want you and Nate to be a part of his or her life whenever you're both ready to be. And you also know that we both want you to be completely sure of your decision before you make it. Things might change when you hold the baby for the first time. Believe me Tripp and I will completely understand as long as you let us babysit often. We just… we don't want you to feel like we've backed you into a corner V."

She clutched on tighter to the crib railing, she didn't want to listen to Maureen's reasoning. No part of it was anything she wanted to hear. Her decision was made. The baby wasn't hers and she wasn't going to change her mind. Every bit of it would be for the better, that's what she kept telling herself. Even Dan had sort of agreed, though Dan had insisted the child needed to be raised by someone who they didn't know. So that Vanessa wouldn't feel any sort of pressure or regret. V knew Dan was just trying to look out for her. He meant well even if he didn't always seem that way. He was just trying to make sure she didn't make the biggest mistake of her life.

"Maureen I um… I'll be back in a little while. I promised Cora's kids I'd take them out for a little while since she's sick. And, I don't know, I'm not feeling all that great myself. I'll be back later for some of the party."

Not waiting to hear another word out of Maureen's mouth Vanessa brushed past her out the doorway and headed down the stairs. Everything seemed to be so stuffy she could hardly breathe. For the girl who'd always loved Halloween this was turning out to be one that she wished she could have forgotten already and she couldn't explain exactly why. There was just a feeling at the back of her mind that made her want to go back to her dorm and crawl under the covers. Knowing Georgina though she was throwing some type of party or other with the guys from the dorm, Georgie always had their room full of people. Vanessa couldn't count a time when she'd actually enjoyed being in her own dorm room while either of her roommates occupied their beds. It had taken all restraint for them not to suffocate one another in their sleep.

* * *

The fake metal on her fake head gear chatted up and down with every step he took. She'd asked for a piggy back ride already, not even fifty steps into trick or treating and she'd already quit walking. What was the use in walking when she could so easily be treated like a princess and carried from place to place by Nate with just the simple pout of her lips. It was something Noelle had learned very early on. The fact that it wasn't hard to get Nate wrapped around her finger. Even a four year old could tell that Nate was a very smart person to have around. Not because of his brains but because of the looks that even Ellie noticed her got from random girls on the street. Things had always been like that now. Ellie just missed how normal it felt when ever Vanessa pulled him closer to her. Those were the moments even Elle realized that things had changed. The moments when Noelle worried about the fishy not getting the fair life it deserved because Natie and Veevee were being dumb. That's what Cora told her anyways and Elle always listened to her mommy.

"Natieee why didn't you dress up?"

Ellie whined in Nate's ear as she held tightly around his neck. Halloween was a cool and crystal clear night. Her face was lit up with a happy spark regardless of the animosity that so thick in the air. All three of the children were just relieved on behalf's of who they had out with them while Cora received an unexpected night off. They'd both shown up at different times to claim the kids for a few hours. They should have expected it but neither one had thought of it till they were both there and had children pulling and pleading with them for neither one to leave. So they just hadn't said two words to one another, they'd just helped the kids get dressed and ready then walked to the subway. Nate taking the liberty of picking where they walked to get candy, not to Vanessa's pleasing of course. She was the last person that felt like walking around the Upper East Side, but, with Jack refusing to go out if she let go of her hand she couldn't exactly say no. that's what led them to where they were, the streets in back of where Nate had grown up. All three uniquely dressed by Vanessa, in their array of consumes.

"Cause Ellie, I'm too old for dressing up."

He said back twisting around in a circle in the middle of the sidewalk for a rise out of the child who giggled in response and exchanged a look with Vanessa. Nate should have known from the coy smirk on the little girl's face that something far beyond her years was about to come out of her mouth next. Dressed up as Darla from Finding Nemo she was still her same quick witted self, she really needed time away from both Cora and Vanessa he decided.

"You don't act like you are Natie. That's what mommy said when you were dating Blair anyways."

Elle giggled and squeezed his neck tighter for a moment as the boys who were looking for reaction saw him close his eyes and shake his head. Ellie had maybe been around Vanessa and Cora far too much in the past few months. Deciding he needed a change of subject Nate looked over to the boys. Steven was easy to tell the Joker from Batman had been done to a Heath Ledger perfection. Jackson on the other hand took Nate for a loop.

"Jackson, how about that outfit? What are you supposed to be exactly?"

When Vanessa stopped dead in the middle of the sidewalk so did Jackson just to stand there and stare at him. Jack raised a hand to wave a white bedazzled glove in his face before popping the collar on the red jacket he had on. Nate hardly got the clue as Jack twisted around on the sidewalk and started to walk backwards in an impression.

"Nate, open your eyes. What side of pop culture did you grow up in?"

Vanessa said speaking her first words to him of the night. If that was all it took to get her to not talk through the children it was something he should have done hours earlier. It really had taken Jackson's dance moves for Nate to realize that he was imitating Michael Jackson. There was too much going on in his mind for him to remember things like that. simple things in the past slipped his mind easily when he thought of the baby and of Vanessa, and of everything else going on around him. Michael Jackson wasn't in his up front memory bank.

"Veevee, Think Tick and Momo will take the fishy out trick or treating next Halloween? And dress up with the fishy? Mommy did that my first Halloween, we have pictures! Mommy said it made everything special. I bet you'd dress up then, wouldn't you Natie?"

Noelle whispered in Nate's ear as she stared straight at Vanessa. Vanessa could feel the stares on her back as she slipped her arms around the small bump in her stomach. She didn't want to think of next Halloween, she didn't want to think of what Maureen and Tripp would do with their child. The only thing Vanessa did want to do was to live in the moment. to pretend the things around her weren't real. For the time being she got to forget that there were only ten weeks left before the baby was expected. Ten weeks till her bond was broken and she severed all ties with that part of her life. None of it would be something her mind remembered after it was over. Just a time in her life she'd have to work to block out as best she could, if that were even possible. She tightened her arms around herself.

"Ells, why don't you go up there and get some candy? I bet they have the big candy bars."

Seeing the uneasiness in Vanessa's shoulders as Noelle mentioned it all Nate knew he needed to get Elle to stop talking about it. Just like the child she was supposed to be Noelle pulled on his shirt at the mention of candy and Nate swung her off of his back so she could run along and get some. He watched her for a second as she grabbed a hold of Jack and hopped up the steps to the door of the brownstone, Steve lingering behind not exactly keen on the whole begging for candy bit. Nate was well aware he was breaking a few of Vanessa's set rules as he walked a little bit faster and slipped his hand to her arm. With just the simplest touch he could feel that every muscle and bone in her body was completely tense and it wasn't from him touching her. He didn't hesitate this time as he ran his hand up and down her arm, Vanessa not bothering to complain for once. That also made him nervous, it wasn't like her.

"V, you're not ok are you? What is it? Is it the baby?"

Nate's panicked voice rasped out into her ear as she shook her head. Even if something was wrong she wasn't about to tell him. It wasn't his place to worry about as it was and that was her every intention on the way to keep it. She shook it off, nothing was wrong, she just didn't feel exactly right. Maybe she just needed to calm down a little she decided.

"Mommy told her she needs to go and have her and the baby checked out Nate, mom said she hasn't been going to the doctors"

The oldest of Cora's children piped up from the side of them and they both turned for a second to linger on Steven. He wasn't ever one to get in the middle of other conversations, hardly ever the one to open his mouth period. They'd called Steve the silent observer since the day they'd met him. Yet here he was, telling the truth to Nate that Vanessa had refused to tell anyone other than Cora. Vanessa's mouth dropped open as Nate turned to look at her face, his own in mind confusion.

"You said everything was fine, you said they said everything was fine."

Vanessa shook her head as she looked away from him biting on her tongue. If the night couldn't have gotten any worse before it sure as hell couldn't of gotten any worse now. Now, regardless of who was around them they were going to fight. She should have seen it coming before. The last thing Vanessa had thought was that one of the kids would have ratted her out about any of it. Now she had no other choice but to come clean about it, Nate just would have gone straight to Cora and there wasn't a shot in Vanessa's life that Cora would have covered for her. Just because Cora was her friend didn't mean that she wasn't Nate's too.

"Nothing's been wrong, can you just drop it Nate?

Looking back and forth between Nate and Vanessa Steve seemed to make up his mind as he went to assist his younger siblings in continuing on up the street from house to house rather then returning right back at Nate and Vanessa's sides. Neither Nate nor Vanessa turned their heads to look as Steve put his hands out for his brother and sister to take. The two were too busy squaring off at odds to open their mouths and notice the kids were walking off hand and hand for more candy.

"How do you know that? Have you suddenly over night gotten your degree in medical? Because damn it Vanessa your life and the life of our baby hang in the balance. What can you not understand about I can't lose another person I love?"

His angry voice snapped out at her as she crossed her arms not bothering the take her eyes from her glare at him. To her he had no right in the way that he talked about the baby. The baby wasn't even theirs. There wasn't a reason for him to be so concerned, she didn't feel like anything was wrong, or that anything was going to be wrong. She wasn't even going to bring up the issue of money. It wasn't exactly like he was living the high life that wasn't from off shore accounts anymore. she'd talked to Tripp about that and William still hadn't changed his mind.

"It's not your baby Nate, it's not mine either. We're giving it up, there's no connection there. So just drop it already."

Knowing it sounded harsh she stopped looking at him as she looked away from him and shook her head. She didn't want to feel anymore connected. She didn't want to think about it. she was the strong one who had made up her mind, he was the only one having an issue with her decision and she wasn't about to let him stop her. there were things that needed to be done and that was the end of it.

"How do you do that? How can you even say that? Every time it moves V, can you honestly say that you don't care and you don't feel anything? because if something happens to that baby Vanessa, you're going to feel it just as much as I am."

He wanted to say he would blame her if something happened to the baby, that he'd be pissed off enough to not be in love with her. that wasn't the case though, he knew it wouldn't ever be the case. God forbid something happened in the time to come he knew they'd both never of forgiven themselves for it. Just because they'd chosen to pull themselves from the responsibility

"Know what? tell Cora that I'll be there to sleep later. I can't be around you anymore tonight."

Shoving the pillow cases she'd been carrying in her hands for the kids to dump their pumpkins into when they got to heavy she gave him one final look before turning away from him and starting to head down an ally in the other direction with no lights. He knew better then to follow her right away, that would have been a mistake that he'd of never heard the end of. He needed to find the kids and then go after her. Maybe that way she wouldn't have freaked out so bad.

* * *

"You look like you swallowed a perfectly round basketball. You look beautiful Vanessa, then again you always have. The only sad thing is that dick is the reason for it."

Instead of his voice making her nervous it made her angry. It was the last sound she'd been expecting but regardless it made her blood boil. With one hand covering over her tee shirt she lifted her other to the back of her neck, running her fingers along the marks that had once been there. She shuttered even with no breeze around. He was just too close to her. Vanessa could feel his breath on the back of her neck, his hand lingering low on her back, he was to close for her comfort but she wasn't afraid of him. She was to built up on her argument that had just passed with Nate for her to be afraid of anything.

"Don't touch me Scott"

Vanessa sneered through her teeth as she shook her arm away from him. He wasn't that easy to get away from as he tightened his grip around her arm holding her back from getting away, his other hand still held low on her back as he stood behind her still to close. She cursed herself silently, why had just torn away from Nate and taken off down a dark street? how was there seriously a house in the city that didn't at all celebrate Halloween? She wasn't about to scream and call any attention to herself, she could handle herself, she was sure she could handle herself. No one needed to save her, she could handle it. She'd done just fine so far.

"V please, can we just talk? Give me a few minutes. You know I won't hurt you. That one time was an accident, I shouldn't have done it I know. I never meant to hurt you Vanessa. I didn't mean to use you either. I was afraid to tell you who I really was. How could I? You would never have given me a chance. I fell in love with you V, I just wanted to protect you from him. He's not good for you, can't you see that he's already ruined your life?"

Attempting to step away from him again she pushed his shoulder back, his hand leaving her arm. Part of her wanted to just run off without thinking about it again. But in Vanessa's mind that was the equivalent of letting him win his sick twisted little game he was playing with himself. That wasn't something she was ready to do. Of course part of her wanted to feel bad for Scott. He was Rufus's son and Dan and Jenny's brother, he'd been denied that all of his life. With a father like Rufus and not being able to know him Vanessa saw it as a shame. He was the only person she could go to when she needed someone to actually step up and be the parent figure in her life. That was something he did more then well. She couldn't forget though, Scott's anger issues. He could have killed her, he could have killed the baby, hell, he'd killed Ruby's cat. Thinking of that made her shake her head. His game wasn't something she was about to cave into. Humphrey blood or no Humphrey blood, it wasn't an excuse to once again trust him not to do the same thing.

"Scott, just get away from me. I don't feel like dealing with you or the things you have to say tonight. I know you didn't mean to hurt me, just like you didn't mean to hurt Andrew. But the thing is that you did. You did and you can't take that back. You need help Scott. You need to keep going to those classes with your parents and Lilly and Rufus."

She knew what was going on, Dan had filled in her as they'd sat in the gallery drinking soda and listening to music while Jenny threw dagger with her eyes at Vanessa's back. That was the new ritual, Jenny's way of expressing her deep disgust for the events that had taken place. Vanessa knew for sure that her friendship with Jenny wouldn't ever be the same, that was one thing that would for the rest of their lives be tainted. Somehow, Vanessa had cheated in the race for Nate's heart. As if she'd planned to get knocked up.

As she went to take another step away from him she felt him grab her waist, his hand brushing along the side of her stomach. She winced as she felt his fingers tight grip even through the sweatshirt she had on. She stood almost completely still as he stood in front of her, one arm wrapped around her, the other raising ever so slightly to tuck a strand of hair out of her face. She felt a sudden surge of anger rather than nerves as she chose to stay completely still. Knowing that if she wanted to he could do her damage and there wasn't even anyone around to see it. The only way for a person to come running was if she screamed, that person would have been Nate. Nate coming wouldn't have been a good idea. He'd been pissed off enough at her, she didn't need to add another reason for him to freak out over nothing. She knew how Nate's temper got at others if there was something he didn't like. The kids didn't need their Halloween completely ruined by black eyes and police.

"I'm going to the classes V, I'm going for us. I didn't mean to hurt you, I would never deliberately hurt you. Yes, when this whole thing first started you were just another pawn in my game of getting revenge on them for what they did to me. But you're so much more then that Vanessa."

Scott's hand was still lingering on the side of her face and she could feel his warm breath only inches away from her face now. But she didn't make a sound, she didn't want to make a scene. Any random passerby would have seen their dark silhouettes and thought it was a sweet moment, he didn't seem like a shady guy and for crying out loud she was pregnant.

"I think I fell in love with you"

Leaning his mouth a little bit closer to her she felt his lips lightly brush against her own. She felt herself tighten at the feeling, he was the last person she wanted to be kissing. Her hand found her way from between them as she used all the strength she could to push him off of her. She wasn't expecting to crash her back into a chest of someone when she did so. It was just a slight bit of relief that gave off when she reached her hand to his shirt and knew exactly who it was when she felt the soft cotton knit of his polo.

"Get your fucking hands off of her"

Nate's voice snarled from behind her as his arm protectively tightened around her, right above her stomach like he was attempting to protect both of them. As though he needed to prove to her that that was the first thing he thought of, the well being of her and the baby, she knew it just by the way he looked at her anyway. He cared, she got it. She just couldn't care tonight the way she should have. She was more irritated then anything. With the both of them. Scott for his strange professions of love and Nate for everything, she couldn't put her finger on exactly what it was. part of her thought that it might have had something to do with how badly her back was bothering her.

She pushed his hand off of her taking a few steps away from them both as she glanced in the other direction making sure the three children weren't exactly in ear range. She was frustrated and tired and all Vanessa wanted was to be left alone. To stop thinking for a while, not to be reminded of the decisions and occurrences around her.

"Both of you leave me alone! You…"

She pointed at Scott, her eyes at a narrow glare.

"I don't want you touching me, I don't want you near me. Don't get me wrong Scott you're a great guy when you're calm and in a normal mind set but you have problems that I can't help you with. You need to have them straightened out before you learn how to love someone."

His hurt expression made her wince a little bit, she couldn't help but felt bad. Especially since Dan had told her just how well the pair had been bonding. Vanessa still wasn't about to take it on herself to risk trusting him again. She'd done it once and there were repercussions who said she had to risk it and try again. Besides though she did her best to act like it wasn't true, she still didn't have her heart back.

"As for you Nate… don't bother me about any of this. It's not your problem… I'm not your problem. I don't want to hear it, I don't want to discuss it, I don't want to think about it tonight. So just drop it."

With that she turned form them both and headed back the way she'd came. It was going to be a very long night if she had to stay at Maureen and Tripp's party and act like everything was just fine.

* * *

Music was loud, people were noisy, the liquor flowed freely. It was everything that Maureen could have wanted for a final party. After all, it wasn't like in a few odd months any bit of partying would have been possible. She and Tripp would have to stay as quiet as possible as Aimee, the women they'd already hired to care for the baby while it was a newborn. It wasn't like she or Tripp had any idea how to care for something so little and needy, they'd learn from everything as they went. But being only children themselves it would take a while. Tripp wouldn't admit it but Maureen knew they'd be alright with the whole arrangement. Soon as the little baby in the soft blanket was placed into their arms everything would clear its hazy state.

Maureen could see herself dressing up a little girl. Picking out her dresses and doing her little curls. This must have been the way it was meant to be, for she and Tripp to receive the child from their cousin's errors. At least, that's what Maureen tried to tell herself. This was what Vanessa wanted. Vanessa had told her she couldn't do it, she couldn't take care of the child that every day already relied on Vanessa for every source of everything. Maureen didn't know how she was going to be able to do it, she and Tripp had talked about it. They knew how much the baby meant to Nate, and how much it meant the both of them not that Vanessa would admit it. Maureen felt almost as though she would be robbing a bank when she and Tripp got to take their daughter or son home. It would be an open wound in Vanessa's heart Maureen figured that might never close, just thinking about that made Maureen feel guilty for what would take place.

The thoughts made her take another sip of the champagne in her hand as she turned around letting the black flapper costume sway as she did so. Her eyes scanned the room for her husband, it didn't take her long to find him. Lingering in a corner with Nate who wasn't in costume while he stood tall with his Batman cape and mask around his neck. Nate and Vanessa both had refused to come in costume. Halloween wasn't about to be celebrated. Maureen had noticed that they weren't even looking at one another let alone looking in the direction of the other. How they could be so immature when there was a child involved in it all? It was time for them both to grow up and face the facts. Even if they had been more mature then Maureen and Tripp had been at sixteen, at least herself and Tripp could stand in the same room with it all still.

"Tripp? Baby don't you think you've had enough?"

Her husband had the strong smell of liquor attached to his every move as he turned around to face her after hearing her talk. She could tell as soon as she saw his eyes that there was no little bit of coherence left in them. Tripp was too drunk to think a solid question though. It was going to be a very long rest of the evening with all of their guests and a very drunk Tripp. With Maureen's luck he'd be asleep on the floor of the living room within the hour. She swore at times he was more like a frat student then he should have been.

"What's the matter baby?"

In a touchy mood Tripp put his arm around her shoulders as Maureen spotted Nate's normal smirk come to his face as he shook his head looking at his cousin. If anyone knew what Tripp was like it was Nate. Nate who Maureen was surprised at, normally he was right alone with him playing beer pong in a corner. This Nate had a bottle of smart water halfway gone in his hand.

"I think someone needs to go to bed Maureen. Before he passes out in the kitchen and I have to haul him up the stairs to your room like I've done at least once a year since I was sixteen."

Maureen nodded her head in agreement as she too shook her head while looking at her husband. He wasn't the only one in the party to drunk out of his mind. It seemed like all of his college friends were the same way. When they'd first moved in together it had been an every night thing, parties with the guys… calling maids to clean up their messes before anyone found out just how careless they really were.

There was one thing that completely surprised Maureen in the things going on around her, there was a bottle of very expensive scotch that over the years she'd learned to put out. The scotch still had yet to be touched. Chuck Bass stood in the corner of her house drinking sparkling water and eyeing his girlfriend who had clearly had one too many glasses of champagne as she chatted with other women of high standards in New York City. There was something about Chuck's watchful eye as he kept them close on Vanessa. In some ways it made Maureen herself worry about V. If Chuck was even being so watchful there had to be something she was missing. Something they apparently all were missing.

She didn't have time to linger on the whereabouts of Chuck Bass for more then a couple of seconds. He wasn't her problem. The only problem she really had to deal with now was how to get her drunken husband up the stairs before he made a fool of himself in front of the rest of the important East Side. For Maureen that would be a task in its self when it came to just how much Tripp had to drink. It wasn't like Nate could lung him up the stairs without anyone noticing.

"Baby, do you know how sexy you look? Maybe we should go sneak into a closet before Grandfather gets here and ruins our party."

His whisper was a slur, a loud drunken slur as he tightened his grip around her shoulders and planted a wet kiss half on her cheek. Those were the times Maureen asked herself what her rush to get married was if he was only going to embarrass her at public events. At least it wasn't the older end of society she decided, if it had been them they'd never have accepted her again until she said that Tripp had a problem. Grandfather would have made sure to disown her if anything like that ever in their lifetimes took place. That would have been a disgrace to the Vanderbilt family, Maureen had already experienced what happened when the family was in any way disgraced. She'd seen first had that family wasn't what came first, it was making sure that the good name was what came before anything else. Being a Vanderbilt held with it more rules than any other sir name Maureen was afraid.

"Tripp think maybe you've had enough to drink?"

Maureen said at full volume as Nate turned away from them to talk with the blonde who had been hanging all over him since the second he'd walked in the door in a frustrated uncontent mood. She hadn't asked questions, she'd just chatted with more of the ladies from the country club. It wasn't her part to get in the middle of Nate and Vanessa's issues. They needed to work whatever was going on out themselves.

"Ok, does that mean that we can go upstairs now? get a little bit of action in before the nights over."

Rolling her eyes at her drunk and horny husband Maureen turned back around to survey the crowd. It was Chuck that caught her eye, hurrying as fast as he could across the hard wood floor. Chuck Bass never moved half as fast. Her mind took half a second to catch up with her head as she turned her head to follow where he was rushing off to. As her eyes finally found where he'd hurried to her mouth dropped open. his hands were on Vanessa's shoulder half pulling her up as she stood keeled over in a puddle of a watery substance with white flecks. She felt herself completely frozen for a few moment before finally snapping out of it and grabbing Nate's arm who'd been in mid conversation with some random blonde. There weren't any words expressed as he turned around and his eyes too landed on the scene that was unfolding. Everything felt like it was completely slow motion. It wasn't Christmas, it was only Halloween.

"Nate… call Humphrey"

Chuck called out over the crowd that had gathered as he gestured Nate to come over quickly.

* * *

**Haley** – Thank you! :D I try to keep them as close to the real them as I can get them. I hope you catch this chapter. I'm sorry its been so long.

**Jen** – I love Chuck, well in here I love Chuck anyways. I think I've watched the ending scene from the final to many times. though I don't much care for Blair. Dan's just stubborn, he doesn't like the idea of a changed Vanessa. Georgie is coming up ;) she's gonna play a pretty big part.

**Izzy **– yea, so you did guess right before :-/ I know, they don't seem like the best people to pick do they?

Everyone has insecurities though, and its all new for V. she'll be back to her normal self before long. Don't worry

Dan's bothering V and Serena's on Nate… they both can't get cut any slack.

**Christina Marie** – that's it! that's what I had been planning from the beginning. Though, M&T aren't exactly the best ones to be caring for the baby. We'll see though, there's still a while to go, well, that's all judging from if the baby's alright… ;)

**Alex…** don't kill me – I love how your review went over the limit for review writing. Lol :D made my day and still does when I re read it. and I have a few times. it's what finally kicked my butt into gear to write again. It's been way to long and I suck, I'm sorry. But honestly I swear I'm back now and as soon as I'm done posting this you'll have a PM.

I'm falling in love with the idea of Serena/Carter. Seb is my new crush. It's not that I'm starting to put Dan in a different light I'm just seeing Dan as someone who can't (like myself) tolerate change very well. And he knows that with the baby V's going to be completely changed. There's no way that she wouldn't be. Dan judges far to much for his own good, he always has and it's something he won't change regardless of the situation.

See it makes sense now doesn't it? why the baby what it is? But don't worry, it's not going to end there! I swear and I feel like tormenting you so I have to tell you what I wrote yesterday in the PM, it's the sweetest thing ever… well so far anyways. Scott's going to become far worse then before. How many times have I mentioned that I don't like him? Well here, add another one to it. I can't stand Scott already. And I'm not going to like him. I refuse that one.

re reading the whole thing made me love Chuck again… and I want to go work on the part with him that's coming up. Because it's more good Chuck vs. troubled Chuck. Eep! I'm anxious. I actually feel bad for Chuck having to play ref for the three girls, how has he not gone nuts yet? I don't think anyone really noticed the thing about the necklace/ring. I'll just mention it again at some point in time. No need to be mad at V, she doesn't like dealing with things on her own. Besides, it's going to come out that it all wasn't exactly her fault. You'll see what I mean.

Serena/Nate is the last thing I'm worried about show wise. Even if the books they IMO were perfect :P I know no one agrees with me. Is it enough of the S/N from the book ish? Lol which reminds me… I think that was like the first time that S actually showed her face in the story at all. Wow, that was a first. Meh, I hope she redeems herself this season while she's with Carter, because last season she was just boring to me. Anyways enough rambling. I'm going back to PMing you and writing.


	19. The End Of A Beginning

Manda's Note: Ok so I'm a little afraid to post this since I know I'm going to be murdered for the end. But I'm going to shut up and let you get to reading. Remember to leave me your thoughts. I'm looking forward to hearing what you think. ;) You all know that your reviews mean a lot to me. I can't wait to get them from this chapter! so send them in.

* * *

Halloween was a night for candy and crazy parties, she'd been just as content as she could have been standing in the corner of Maureen and Tripp's living room drinking Jones candy corn soda from the glass bottle. The last thing she'd envisioned of her night was ending up on a gurney and rushed by ambulance to the hospital. She hadn't even been taking her appointments anymore. It was Halloween, not Christmas, someone had gotten the holidays very confused. Ten weeks confused to be exact, Vanessa should have known something was wrong when the baby had all together seemed to stop growing at twenty-five weeks. She hadn't gained any weight from about twenty but she'd blamed it on stress and depression. As she'd stood with the pool of amniotic fluid around her feet something had gone desperately wrong. Her nerves had been worse then they'd been at any time through her pregnancy. How could they not have been? It was far too early for any of this to have been taking place. She shook to think about it, this wasn't the way things were supposed to be. Even if Maureen and Tripp were all prepared for it Vanessa wasn't sure she was ready to part with its little kicks inside of her quite so soon. Her Late night talks with the only person that would listen without putting their input in, she wasn't ready to say goodbye to her baby. A squeeze of her hand brought her from her thoughts only for her to meet with sapphire blue eyes so full of worry it chilled her to the bone even more. She wasn't the only one completely filled with worry and distraught that it would all end up for the worst.

"What the hell happened V?"

She was sure the same distraught face mimicked his on her own as she held tighter to his hand. They hardly talked so much as once in the past few weeks; she's only seen him briefly at the party with some blonde on his arm while he talked to Tripp after their fight taking the kids out trick or treating. Here he was, when it mattered the most he was right beside her full of worry and concern. Just because she'd made the decision that they weren't raising the baby didn't mean that the baby wasn't still theirs. It had taken both of their DNA to conceive it. The baby meant more to the both of them then anyone besides each other knew, she just wanted it to have a good life. One she wasn't sure they could give it together, one she was sure they couldn't give it. Maureen and Tripp had everything they didn't have, a stable home, a happy family, everything a baby needed.

"I don't know, my water just broke, it's too early Nate. The baby's not going to be ok. It's not going to survive. I don't know why the hell this is happening, I don't want the baby to die Nate. I'm… I'm scared. This isn't the way this is supposed to go."

Admitting it out loud was the toughest thing she'd done in a long time. He nodded his head knowing the feelings she was going through as he pulled the hand that had an IV in it to his lips and kissed it gently. His attempt to calm her wasn't working very well as she clutched his hand for dear life, she'd tried everything she could to make sure the baby was healthy. This wasn't the way she wanted it all to end, not with something possibly happening to the little thing that had rested inside of her for thirty weeks.

He wouldn't admit it out loud but he too agreed. His heart and his mind told him the same thing that, once the baby was out of her they wouldn't be doing anything other than saying goodbye to it. There was a part of him that told him they wouldn't only be saying goodbye and placing the baby into Maureen and Tripp's arms, they'd be saying goodbye and all four of them would be letting go with no reward. It was too early and too soon, he felt like it all was their faults. They hadn't wanted the baby enough, they'd only wanted to run away from it all more than owning up and taking responsibility for the things they'd caused. Maybe this was the way of someone telling them that considering giving the baby to Maureen and Tripp had been a mistake; this was fate telling them they played the game the wrong way. Their punishment for being so careless and immature for the things that were put in front of them, someone's twisted way of setting them free from one another. The whole thing made him feel sick.

"Listen to me Vanessa"

He whispered as he let go of her hand and put his on the sides of her face forcing her to look at him without a hesitating eye. There hadn't been as much contact between the two since he'd angrily kissed her goodbye after she'd told him what her final decision with regards to the baby. His eyes were staring deep into her, trying to get her to listen to him which was always a task on their behalf's. This time it felt more important than it had ever been, the only way she would be ok was if he got her to listen to him even if it was only for a second. Her hysterical shaking seemed to pause as she looked into his eyes.

"You're both going to be ok. You have to be ok. This baby has all of its integrity and will power from you. We're going to be ok Vanessa; all three of us are going to be alright."

They had their eyes locked together in an intense stare for a few moments before her eyes clamped shut and she bit her lip trying not to make a big deal he could tell. Without saying anything more he laced one of his hands with hers like he'd seen done in movies. She didn't squeeze his hand though, she just kept her eyes shut holding onto him and breathing tensely doing everything she could not to squeeze his hand. He could see it in her features that she wanted to pretend none of it was actually happening, the more she attempted to hide her pain the more obvious it became. Her contractions weren't about to stop, it was all happening and it was going to happen fast.

"I'm sorry to interrupt; I just have to put the sedative into her IV. It'll take the pain away and you'll be asleep in no time. The faster this works the faster they can get that little baby out and take care of it. Ok sweetie? You're in good hands. They're going to take good care of the both of you. Not to worry alright?"

The motherly nurse smiled warmly as she slipped in the middle of Vanessa and Nate and took Vanessa's hand beginning to administer the needle into her IV. Nate started to panic, with Vanessa stunned in shock over it all Nate was the only one who had a right mind to think about it all. They were going to put her to sleep. Put her to sleep and take their baby from her, a baby that either wouldn't be or would be handed over to Maureen and Tripp as soon as it was healthy enough to be. No matter what way it all happened and took place he wasn't going to be a father. His life was changing yet staying the same all at the same time.

"Aslee… I don't want to be put to sleep. Why?"

As Vanessa began to panic more and more monitors started to go off and the nurse gave Nate a look telling him all wasn't ok if she continued on the way she was. In a matter of seconds Nate was in her face again, both hands on the sides, his forehead again leaning to hers. His heart felt like it was beating out of his chest with every breath he took. He could see her biting her tongue and trying to calm down, they both felt the same nerves rushing through their veins. Everything felt like it was moving too fast yet completely in slow motion at the same time. He should have known something wasn't right, he should have known before Chuck had to alert them all that things were going down the drain faster than he could have stopped them, not that they could have been stopped at all.

"You've got to trust them Vanessa. They know what they're doing. It's the only way things will be ok V. They have to do it. Come on Vanessa, you've both made it this far. They know what they're doing and in a little while the baby will be in better condition than it is now. Come on baby, I can't lose you. I know you're scared. I'm scared too… we don't have any other choice but to trust them ok? We don't have any other choice but to trust them, it's that or I lose the both of you Vanessa, I can't do that. I love you."

Her eyes were fading fast as he leaned closer to her and pressed his lips softly to hers, his hands still in a standstill on the sides of her face. with every blink her eyes got heaver and she started to slip more into the land of the drugs. It made him nerve up knowing that when she shut her eyes there was a chance they wouldn't open again. That was all pressed into his mind due to Chuck, Chuck who had lost his mother during emergency surgery to remove her own son. Nate didn't know what he'd do if it had the same outcome. The child wasn't even his; he'd have to hand the baby over to his cousins and live his life with nothing and no one if anything happened to her. He might have to do it anyway.

Feeling her squeeze his hand lightly he knew she was almost out. He felt his nerves spike a little bit more as he moved his hands from her face in a slow slide to rest on her stomach. Their little troublemaker was in danger, the little thing that had gotten him through so much already like his mother's death. Just because Vanessa refused to actually admit it Nate knew Vanessa knew it too. No matter what the two of them were at a loss. He felt the nurse's hand on his shoulder lightly pulling him back from Vanessa.

"They have to move quickly now, it's all going to be alright. You know what they say, everything happens for a reason. If you're coming down to the operating room with us you need to put on a cover. Come on, I'll help you out."

Nate wasn't sure if he was nodding his head in agreement or not but he was walking wherever she said to. They hadn't even talked about how this would go, always afraid that it would make it too real. But now it was hear and it was more real than ever. As they started to head out of the room he felt someone grab his shoulder and he turned to see who was heading into Vanessa's room as everyone was coming out. His eyes landed on Dan. all dressed in the yellow cover Dan was all ready to go into the operating room with Vanessa Nate noticed. He couldn't object or complain about it as he looked at Dan with his worn out worried eyes only to meet a gaze that held frustration rather than anything else.

"If anything happens to her I'm holding you responsible."

Dan bit out in Nate's direction before letting go and walking to the side of Vanessa's bed. He understood it, he got it. Vanessa, though you'd never tell it by her, meant a lot to a lot of people and he was the one at fault if anything happened to her. Dan was completely justified in his worries Nate decided silently. If anything had happened to Serena or Blair he'd never have forgiven the person responsible. Defending the ones you loved more than anything was a reflex.

* * *

Nate already knew that the time between leaving the room and the doctor telling him that everything was either ok or not were going to be the longest moments of his life. He had no idea how long it would take, Nate knew nothing about emergency C-sections. He'd been too busy with classes and trying to get in touch with her to worry about what happened if god forbid something happened and she went into labor early. Goodbye was something he was far from ready for. The two options of the outcome did little to ease his mind, either he'd be laying the child in the arms of his cousins or in a wooden box six feet under the ground. Two things that were the last thing he even wanted to consider on his list. Saying goodbye was something Nate was becoming a pro at, something that he hated doing.

He'd watched them wheel her down the long white hall, Dan's clenching her hand as if it was the last time he'd ever touch her again. The thought made Nate sick, the last time… he'd had enough last times for his life time, the last thing he needed was to think that way. All he knew he could really think about was the fact that his girlfriend was in emergency surgery. Leaning his head back against the doorframe he slid his hand into his pocket to take out his cell phone. Just because he didn't want to didn't mean he didn't have to call them. Either they would or Vanessa would be pissed off they didn't get a reminder to show up. Nate didn't feel like he should have had to remind anyone. It had all taken place during Maureen's Halloween party. If the baby meant so much to them why hadn't Maureen insisted on going with Vanessa at any cost. It all felt a little off as he pressed his speed dial and held the phone up to his ear letting it dial his cousin's cell phone number. The rings took too long for Nate, four of them before a single pick up. Even then the music was almost too loud to hear anything. How could anyone still be in a party mood after what was going on?

"Maureen?"

She hadn't even bothered to say hello when she'd picked up the phone. She'd just continued on with the conversation she'd been on before her phone had even rang. Nate was growing impatient and aggravated as he sat on hold without another word. He had other things he needed to be doing.

"So Christmas in Alaska, I think it sounds perfect. We'll catch the boat Christmas eve and travel around for two weeks after. I'm sure there will still be a free cruise ship then… now if you'll excuse me for just a second I have a phone call I have to take… yea, Nate… what's up I'm kind of in the middle of something."

An impatient grown escaped his lips and he opened his mouth to retort something uncalled for but suddenly shut it. This was something they all weren't ready for and all weren't sure they'd ever be ready for. It would take some time to let it all sink in and for everyone to get to know the way the roles were supposed to be. She was off planning Christmas in Alaska when they would have a nearly two month old. Nate would have shaken his head at the fact Maureen already sounded like a typical East Side mother. Had the kid at hand not been his own he would have just crossed it off of his list and doomed the child the same childhood he'd had himself.

"Maureen, they're inducing Vanessa now. She's having the baby."

As he spoke the words everything felt so unreal, he was eighteen, they were eighteen, and this all shouldn't have been taking place. He was snapped out of his thoughts by another uproar of giggles on the other line. He couldn't blame her in a way, she wasn't anywhere more as ready for the things that were taking place then he and Vanessa were.

"I'm just… I'll call you when I know more."

Not sure she'd even heard the last words he'd said Nate hung up the phone and placed it back into his pocket with a shortened sigh as he leaned his head against the wall again. There were so many people he needed to make phone calls to. so many people that would be concerned and worried and needed to know what was going on. He hadn't even called Cora yet, was he supposed to call her parents? And what about Ruby? Would Ruby have wanted to be a part of everything that was going on or was she already too far gone into her world of incoherent drunkenness to think about Vanessa or the baby for five minutes? Starting to play with the cell phone in his pocket he was lucky he'd felt the light hand on his shoulder with his cloud of frustration looking over him.

The hand being lightly placed on his shoulder was enough to break him from where he'd been. Not a touch that he knew all to well but one that he knew. Looking up he was surprised to meet with her honey brown eyes. Himself and Ruby hadn't exactly ever had a normal conversation. There was something in her touch now though that told Nate that on some level Ruby grasped everything that was going on with her sister. In a way Ruby looked like the young child that hadn't ever grown up, the one that Vanessa had defended and taken care of endlessly.

"I have something for you from my sister. I don't know if she still wanted me to give it to you but she didn't tell me anything other. It's just something she wanted me to give you months ago when this day came. Just press play whenever you're ready. It's already at the part you wanted to see."

Looking at Ruby in the eyes he could even see it in hers. An emotion that Nate was next to sure that Vanessa's sister hadn't possessed… worry. He felt the lump in the back of his throat grow bigger as he took the small silver video camera from her hand and half nodded his head. Part of him was worried about whatever was on the video tape. With every word between them that hadn't been said lately how could he have not worried. Ruby didn't say another word to him, she was walked away leaving him standing with the camera in his hands.

With hesitation in every step he walked to the corner of the room, sliding down in a sitting position on the floor. Playing with the camera in his hands he'd never really figured out how Vanessa dealt with it all the time. The only time he'd stolen her camera was to the little things to catch her and always half the time he'd forgotten to take the lens cap off before starting. He could see her roll her eyes in his head and a short smile came to his face. typical. With eyes on the screen he watched as she soon came into view, perfectly on center and focused.

_"Hi daddy… god, that feels so strange to say, but, if you're watching this well congratulations! I guess that's what you're supposed to say."_

Eyes were glued to the small screen as he took in every bit of her hesitance, her slight smile. As he looked at more than just her face he saw her, the marks along her neck from Scott trying to strangle her. The video was a dated one. One she'd made for him to have before their newest decisions were set in stone that she won't take back .

_"It's like four thirty in the morning right now and you've finally fallen asleep ten minutes ago. I wish you'd stay asleep for a while. You've had a longer day then I have, and, I like watching you sleep. It's calming."_

The Vanessa on the screen turned the camera's angle to that Nate saw himself sound asleep on his stomach, his sleeping face looking away from the screen. He knew the night well, it was the night that they'd first felt their baby kick, the night Scott had strangled her, the night of his mother's suicide.

_"Besides, the longer you stay asleep with your mouth shut the longer before I have to feel that strange squirming again. I shouldn't complain should I? after today I mean. Something tells me that we had a close call today."_

She turned the camera back on herself slowly and he could see her free hand rubbing at the marks on her neck.

_"This is probably the last thing I should reminding you of. Don't get angry Nate, it was my fault anyway. So while you're watching this shut your mouth. Just think about the fact that there's a baby that is for now on going to prevent you from sleeping through the night for the next few years if not the rest of your life. I should say with my luck he'll be just like you and wake us both up ever fifteen minutes. Then you'll understand how annoying you've been tonight."_

The camera again made an angle move and he could see his own hand planted firmly on her stomach. A move that he hadn't been allowed to do in eight weeks since she'd kissed him goodbye at the airport. That's what made him think about it. the video its self had only been taken twelve weeks ago, somehow, it felt like it was an entire lifetime ago. Every month that had gone by felt like it was yet another lifetime.

_"I know I said he. I know, I said I didn't want to know because it makes it all too real but, I know it's a boy… he's a boy. And I bet you're nodding your head and agreeing with me now that you're holding him as he sleeps, or with our luck as he screams bloody murder. As long as Cael doesn't look at you with your own stupidly confused look on his face then we're good."_

Nate couldn't help the smile on his face as the camera turned a little and he could hear the slightly rustling of covers and the sound of a kiss being placed. She had to have kissed him in his sleep, those were the days he missed instantly, falling asleep with her.

_"Yea that's right. I'll admit this to you now just because I don't want to think about him or talk about him during the day doesn't mean that he doesn't mean something to me. Cael Nathaniel Archibald, I think it suits our little blue eyed baby. Though I'm sure Dan will be upset we didn't name the alien Daniel just for kicks."_

Watching close on the screen he saw her free hand cover his on her stomach. His nerves were in his throat. He couldn't believe he thought she'd taken everything for granted. Seeing this side of Vanessa, the mothering side of Vanessa, wasn't something he'd been expecting. Giving the baby to Maureen and Tripp was her way out he'd felt before. To know that wasn't the case was something that made him worry just that much more. Cael Nathaniel, the name she'd leaned on, the name she had planned for the son they wouldn't be raising. At least he knew he could see to it that Cael was stuck by, Maureen had asked him if he'd had any ideas. Even if she had her heart set for a girl. Everyone was disappointed at one time or another.

_"There's one thing you have to promise me Nate"_

With the words out of her mouth he was a little afraid. Promises that she told him he needed to make to her were never good promises. That's what had gotten him across the country in the first place. The last thing he wanted to do was make her something that kept him away from her in any sort of way again.

_"For one night, I don't care when it is just make it soon. One night you're sleeping on the couch or in the nursery and I'm taking this whole bed to lay on my stomach and stretch out after he's born. You have no idea how much I miss sleeping on my stomach. Ok, before you wake up again since it's been about a half hour now I'm going to shut this off and catch five minutes of sleep myself. I love you, I really do. I haven't said that in so long. I love you, I love the both of you. You and our son."_

Every expression, every confession was something from Vanessa he hadn't seen in more time then he felt he could count. The Vanessa with her guard down who whispered 'I love you's' and cuddled up close to him on the couch after a night spent worrying about Ruby at the hospital. That was one of the only times she was in any sort of overly cuddly and affectionate moods. he missed that, missed kissing her forehead and waiting for her breathing out before he could carry her to the bed and lay her down to sleep for a night. There were hours that he'd spent just watching her sound asleep in bed. Things hadn't always been hot and heavy, they had their comfortable down time too.

The picture on the video camera went to a shade of deep blue and Nate shut it leaning his head back against the wall with a sigh. This wasn't the Halloween he'd expected.

* * *

"Nate… Nathaniel… Archibald wake up!"

Chuck Bass's cutting voice cut straight through Nate's ears as his head suddenly snapped up, he'd fallen asleep on the floor with the video camera in his hand. His head panicked and he grabbed his cell phone clicking the sides for the time. An hour had passed since he'd shut off the video and shut his eyes for a moment. an hour and he hadn't checked on anything. officially November first, it wasn't even Halloween anymore. his blue eyes flicked up to Chuck and he silently studied his best friend's face for any sort of news. Of course Chuck's face showed nothing. It never did, not even at Victrola. His jittery hands lifted to his face and he cleared his eyes trying to get through some of his confused haze.

"Is there any news?"

With a voice thick with sleep he watched Chuck slowly nod his head and he swore she could have rang Chuck's neck if he took any longer to spill what he knew. Part of Nate didn't want to hear it. his ears to afraid to hear any sort of confirmation on what the outcome had been.

"Her sedative is wearing off and I figured he might want you in the room, that and Blair says it's time to wake your ass up."

His hand gripped the cell phone in his hand tighter; Chuck was stalling far to long for Nate to feel comfortable. There had to be something wrong. Something wrong and he'd have to be the one to break it to Vanessa. that was something he was dreading. Having to break it to himself was going to be hard enough when it sank into his head.

"Humphrey just came out of the delivery room. You have a son"

* * *

"You can go see her now, but she's very fragile and last someone checked in there she was still asleep. Her fever is still high but they gave her morphine to bring it down faster. I'm sorry I can't tell you anything about your precious little boy, I'm sure someone will be up from the NICU to talk to you both very soon. Just please, try to keep her calm. At this point it's very important. It's also important for the both of you to stay positive, everything happens for a reason, just think of it that way."

The young nurse had her hand on his shoulder as he stood in the doorway looking in at her asleep in the hospital bed, she looked so small and alone. She was asleep, that alone relieved Nate. Asleep where she couldn't let her worries consume her, they were doing enough of that to him. She didn't need to be worrying about everything too. They had a son that he knew next to nothing about. Part of him hesitated for when she woke up and asked because all had known to tell her was that it was a boy. A boy who was struggling in the NICU for his life, he couldn't help but beat himself up, he should have done more than he did. He should have noticed first, it shouldn't have been Chuck that had rushed to her first. When they'd had Cora's kids out he should have made her go home and rest, he could tell than that she wasn't well. All the things he should have done were all things he couldn't any longer do.

He was still shocked that Chuck had been the one to alert him that Vanessa was burning up far past the point of normal. He hadn't believed a word out of Chuck's mouth till Vanessa was in a heap on the floor in the puddle of anatomic fluid. He still felt like it all was his fault, because he hadn't been there the whole time. Now he didn't even know what to say to her when she finally was awake. She had every right to fight with him as far as he was concerned. Now all he wanted was to hold her, that and to find out more about what was going on down the hall. It didn't matter if the baby didn't exactly belong to them, it was still a part of them. He loved the little boy just as much as he loved Vanessa.

"I have to say, both she and that little boy are very lucky. I'm Dr. Anderson, I delivered your son. Before you ask I should say, you have that scared out of your mind look on your face, the one that all new father's have. That's how I know it's you and your friend over there told me."

The older woman said as she pointed back to Chuck in reference. Nate raised his head to look over and half nod back to Chuck. His mind was still spinning yet it was in full attention as he looked back at Dr. Anderson. At least he knew that the woman wasn't in front of him to tell him that their son hadn't made it. That had been what Nate was the most afraid of, that she'd of come out to say that it was all over before it had even started. He knew that Vanessa had to be dreaming the same way.

"Your son was suffering from an IUGR. Intrauterine growth restriction is when the fetus stops growing in utero. In any of her appointments had the doctor mentioned that he was behind and something wasn't right."

As the questions were asked Nate made a mental note to kick himself harder. He should have known the answers to the questions. He put his hand up rubbing the throbbing side of his face where Chuck had punched him and he remembered. Not even Vanessa would have known how to respond. She hadn't gone to her checkups. She'd been to concerned with the money she didn't have and didn't know how to get to go to the appointments she should have been attending. Had the doctor not been standing right in front of him Nate might have used his pent up frustrations to punch a wall or something else nearby that wouldn't punch back.

"It's quite clear that this pregnancy for both of you was far from planned but I have to ask just to understand more and get to the bottom of this all… was there a lot of drug and alcohol use during the pregnancy? Smoking even. Anything that could have intensified the affects of the toxoplasmosis on his system, which, I also need to know about the time she contracted that. That could be very important for his health."

All of the words coming through Nate's brain were muddled in their own ways, toxoplasmosis? Drugs? Alcohol? He only new of some of the things that had gone on. The things that she'd admitted to him the day she'd found out he'd tried to skip going to USC.

"Toxoplas… what? I know that in the beginning of the pregnancy she was in a bad way and there could have been things done then…"

Nate wasn't about to paint Vanessa as a bad mother already for things he'd caused and hadn't meant to do. She didn't deserve that, she deserved much more than that. it hadn't been something she'd intentionally done, it wasn't like she'd discarded the baby to be nothing more than a mistake through the whole pregnancy. The beginning of it just hadn't been expected.

"Toxoplasmosis, has she been in contact with raw meat or maybe a cat that could have been infected? It's a parasite that has very dangerous potential to harm the fetus in utero. She's very lucky that she didn't miscarry him in the first few months. His repercussions from being infected with this might not show up for up to a year from now, if he survives the first forty-eight hours it'll be a big thing. Now I'm not here to make you feel guilty but I was want you to know what's going on. I'm not going to sugar coat it, and I'm not going to give you a false picture of what's going on. This is all very serious. There's a very good chance that he won't come out of it, but the staff in the NICU are going to do everything they can to make sure that that doesn't happen. He's in good hands."

Ruby's damn cat. That was the first thing Nate's mind went to, the slash scar that was deeply faded cross her cheek, the thing that Scott had stabbed to death. He wanted so badly to freeze with anger over the cat and Scott even. But he couldn't. The worry in his gut only grew as he slightly nodded his head listening to the words the doctor in front of him said. She was done speaking her piece he could tell as she moved away from Vanessa's doorway no longer blocking his view of her laying in the hospital bed.

"I'm going to go make sure your son is alright you can go right in and see her. She should be awake soon and she'll need someone to try and keep her calm. You both have a very long night and few weeks ahead of you. It's going to take a lot of strength."

Nate nodded his head as Dr. Anderson spoke for a few more moments before heading away from him back in the direction of the NICU. He was about to take another step into Vanessa's room when quick walking footsteps in back of him made him pause and turn around.

"Nate! Nate oh my god, thank god"

Maureen's voice was pre hysterical and Tripp followed in back of her, his hand reaching for her shoulder. Someone had sobered up rather quickly. It was about time that they snapped into parent mood and worried about the new child they had that was sick.

"I just finished talking to the doctor. It's a boy"

He said lamely not really sure if he could congratulate them on having a son when he felt like he should have been the one everyone was walking up to and congratulating. Cael was his baby, his flesh and blood. He was lost in his own thoughts when a sudden cry tour him from his thoughts and suddenly Maureen was grabbing onto his arms nearly shaking him.

"He's dead Nate… the doctor just said he's gone. Dead. You and Tripp have to arrange his funeral."

* * *

zenith16 – Sorry it took so long to update, I was trying to get it just right. Poor Nate and Vanessa, just when they thought things couldn't get any worse…

Izzy – Noelle is very worried about her fishy, he's her little buddy

Scott scares me… and he just keeps getting worse rather than better. That's a warning ;)

Updated! With a troubling end…

Jen – Maureen is very into having her life and living it the way of an East Sider, everything Vanessa is against. That can't be to easy for Vanessa to swallow, Cael's going to be raised just as Nate was. that's a scary thought in its self isn't it? he could turn out like… CHUCK! Ahh. That's if he's alright. Doesn't look at way. Chuck observes more than anyone else does. of course he notices when Vanessa starts to seem like something's wrong. Hope the chapter was alright (=

Layla Persnickety – lmaooo interesting exclamation XD I love Chuck… here at least. Temps me to put him with V instead. (I wouldn't do that) what do you think of Nate's baby boy? (=

Alex – You know how much your reviews mean to me. I always look forward to reading them. See I'm trying to make sure of the fact that Scott has nothing on Nate. And in my opinion he never will. Even though Nate's an asshole he's still Nate.

I have to agree with thinking like Dan, what is she thinking? But look at it her way, she knows in a way that she'll know him, Cael. She can keep an eye on him and know that he's fine regardless of how much it hurts. She's not used to letting other people in to help her make decisions, with her parents gone most of the time and her caring for Ruby alone worrying about what someone else thinks about her own decisions isn't something she even thinks about regardless if Nate is directly involved in the situation. Maureen's not sure of the decision either, she's gotta be even less sure after all of this.

That's it! I'm going to move to France, I told you already, I absoultly hate the concept of Halloween. The horror movie and dressing up part I love and Candy can't get any better. It's the whole door to door thing… gag. Cora's kids remind me of my nieces and nephews… bit mouths who say all of the wrong things by accident.

lol, I'm glad to know I'm not the only one. Honestly, this story means everything to me. I stress over it non stop. My best friend can tell you first hand. Her text messages reflect it. I'm trying to hurt N for everything he's done. Lmaooo he still owes Vanessa for the hell he's put her through with everything. Jerk. No, she's just worried that now there's more than just her to screw over.

Scott is an ass and like I said… he's going to get worse.

I already don't like him on the show… just as much as I hate V.

I have a part done coming up that is going to give everyone nightmares, myself included on all of that.

XD Jenny's so evil. She needs to just get over herself but I can't see her doing so any time soon. She's Jenny. She puts herself first. Ok… so maybe I'm biased.  
To be honest… I think Chuck might be my favorite one in the story also. He cares all the while trying to pretend that he doesn't. as for calling Dan… he knows better than to let Nate go with Vanessa. Nate might have just ended up dead from her attempting to strangle him.

That was a cliff? Well… I think this one might be a little worse now isn't it.

;) I'm sorry


	20. Here we lie again on two seperate beds

**Manda**'s Note: wow I suck. I saw one thing and then I don't do it for weeks and weeks. Anyone want to disown me? I won't blame you if you do. Sorry, I've had family issues again this past few weeks. nothing seems to get better you know? anyways enough of that. anyone anxious for next monday. I start classes on wednesday and guess what! another history class with the same professor! which means I have nothing but time to write. ok so now I'm going to shut up and let you all read. you know what to do when your done. they help me get done faster with chapters and believe me when I say theres more drama coming up that i'm looking forward to sharing!. anyways back to watching the DVD's and writing.

oh! just a side note the middle of this chapter is due to my best friend in the world. she's the reason it exists, the idea is all hers

* * *

"Dan, can you hand me another pillow? I can't sit up by myself again."

Vanessa winced just thinking about it, the effort to do something so simple. When Dan pulled her up to slip a third pillow in back of her head she nearly bit a hole through her lip, the pain was excruciating. She felt her hand shake in pain as she reached beside the bed and picked up a water bottle as he carried to her the pill bottle from his desk. Much as Vanessa hated taking anything she had to, the unbearable pressure made it all worse. Slipping four ibuprofen from the bottle to her hand she swallowed all four without thinking about it. She could have cared less what type of pain meds they were, all she knew was that she needed them. Anything that would make the physical pain stop. Part of her wished she were still at the hospital where they could have just sedated her to put her back to sleep. The hospital wasn't somewhere she could have stayed any longer without going nuts. Patients had never been one of Vanessa's strong suits.

"You just went through major surgery less than seven hours ago. Why the hell would you sign yourself out? Much less, why would you climb though the window of the loft? Seriously Vanessa? What are you thinking? You're lucky I sleep with my phone on."

All she could do was glare at him. Reminding her of the stupid things she'd done already in the morning wasn't something she felt like dealing with. Pulling herself through the window took all the strength she hadn't had and still left her with a few pulled staples. She could feel the blood soaking and seeping through the bandage over her incision only to stain her favorite pair of Nate's grey sweatpants she had on. Going through all of the agonizing and emotional distress that was both physical and mental Vanessa didn't want to think anymore. She'd spent less than four hours awake in the hospital bed trying to figure out where exactly she'd gone wrong. What she'd done to turn everything into such a complete mess.

Sneaking into the loft had been her best bet of no one finding her, besides the fact of course that she had to throw herself through a fire escape window. Since Rufus had moved with Dan and Jenny into the Van der Woodsen place there wasn't anyone for her to bump into. It wasn't like Vanessa herself was all that ready to face the real world just yet. Much less was she ready to deal with Jenny's glares or Rufus's parenting. She just knew that she couldn't stay there, at the loft alone alone. She'd called him four times before he'd finally picked up. She'd called him to come and babysit her. Moving wasn't something Vanessa was accomplishing very well on her own. The warnings had been placed in front of her but as always, she didn't care.

"I can't just lay in a bed in a white room Dan. Not after everything that's happened. You know me better then that I have too much to get done."

Her mind thought back to the dirty blonde sound asleep in the recliner in the hospital room, he too had gone through his own mental hell in. Chuck had brought him a sleeping pill sometime in the middle of the night that had knocked him out well past the point of consciousness. She'd tried a feeble attempt to wake him before harassing a doctor to the point where she'd just walked out sans any type of discharge papers. She couldn't find it in her to stay there any longer. Vanessa hadn't noticed at that point that it was just the slight morphine drip that kept her from the agony of being partly torn open and stapled shut. She'd learned that soon after she'd taken the IV out of her arm. Somehow it still hadn't stopped her. It surprised her all too much that Dan wasn't sitting there taunting her about being a masochist of her own pain. She was fairly certain that she wouldn't have been able to disagree with him on that point this time.

"Want to talk about it?"

He sat down on the edge of his old bed pulling her legs up over his lap as he started to lie back only to stop abruptly when he noticed Vanessa's knuckles almost white as she gripped the sheet under her. He'd forgotten the no sudden movements rule. That alone proved she was still her typical self, always trying to hide the things that hurt her. She'd always been the same way. There were few times that Vanessa had actually come to tears in front of him, he made close not of the fact that the past few had been over her relationship with Nate going up in smoke.

"Really think I want to?"

Dan lay back on the pillow more carefully this time causing Vanessa only to clench up briefly at the feeling of things pulling and tightening inside of her.

"Anyways, I need you to run to the dorms sometime today. I have a paper for my midterm due tomorrow and I have few things left to finish on it. I'd go myself but I'm sure Blair will alert them soon as I step in the room. If I'm going to go and take the two exams that I have tomorrow I can't deal with them today."

Anything to get her mind off of what had happened Halloween night, Dan knew her game. She knew what she was doing, her attempts to make her mind think of anything else, Dan knew it just as well as she did. She knew he'd have a problem with it, a problem of her burying herself in things rather than facing what was going on. It was that moment she thought that maybe she shouldn't have called him. Going all the way home to Vermont might not have been such a bad idea. The thought had crossed her mind, but, it had only stayed till she felt the pain. Making it all the way to Vermont wasn't an option with the way she felt. Vanessa could hardly handle walking a few feet, the loft had been her limit of agony. It was all still better than being stuck in the hospital bed.

"Vanessa, you don't honestly think you can go to class tomorrow?

Putting her arms up over her face she didn't want to get in the argument she'd seen coming. She didn't want to listen to him telling her that she needed to stop moving so fast. In Vanessa opinion she needed to move fast. She needed to block everything out that had caused her so much pain. The last thing Vanessa really wanted to do was to slack off on her classes, the one thing that had provided some bit of semblance in her life.

"Yes Dan, and you can't argue with me on this one. I have to take the midterms or else I fail the semester. You of all people can agree that I've screwed up enough this year. I don't need to put anything else on my mess of a record. Besides, if I lose my financial aid I'm screwed."

Dan rolled his eyes at her and shook his head as he carefully slipped her legs off of him and stood up. There was no talking to her when her mind was made up. Nothing was going to change her mind on what she'd set. Even if she was dealing with more than enough stress she just had to add it all on.

Glancing back at her for a second he shook his head. Her eyes were shut as she lay on the bed, her hand over the space that had not too long ago been occupied. Dan bit his lip keeping his words in before he could say anything that would make her anymore angry then she was. Whether it be at him or at herself, Dan wasn't sure. All Dan knew was that there wasn't any reaching her or helping her out of her problems. All Dan could do was nod his head and shut his mouth, keeping his advice to himself. She didn't need his input and he knew as long as he stood in the same room as her he'd open it up and say something he shouldn't have. She didn't have anywhere else to go if she felt pushed away from him too. As her best friend he needed to protect her.

"I'm going to go see if there's anything to eat. Just call me if you need anything."

Shutting the door to his once bedroom behind him he lingered with his back to it for a second. Life seemed so much simpler and controlled a year ago. A year ago when he was the one that was able to pick up Vanessa's pieces and put her back together with a package of skittles and a bottle of Jones Soda. That was a very different time in the both of their lives.

In mid step to the kitchen the rapid tapping on the door made him turn his head he couldn't think of anyone that it could be. No one used the loft anymore, it sat there gathering dust. The thought made him stop and zone out from the fact that there was someone knocking at the door. No one had been at the loft, which was weird to think about and…

"Humphrey open up this damn door! I know she's in there."

The sound of Chuck Bass's voice first thing in the morning was something he should have been used to. he should have yet, this time it made him jump. No one wanted to deal with an angry Chuck Bass first thing in the morning.

"Don't know what you're talking about Bass"

He called through the door opening up the fridge and starting to grab the orange juice the last thing he'd expected was for the door to open without warning. Chuck Bass stood in the doorway of the loft with a very un amused look on his face. of course that wasn't a surprise, it was hardly seven on a Sunday. Normal people didn't get up quite so early.

"Save it Humphrey"

Seeing him without a cup of gin in his first thing in the morning wasn't a normal thing for Dan. it seemed like every time Chuck got up and walked into the new Van der Humphrey dining room the pretentious one had a sneer on his face and a glass in his hand.

" Oh! Um…Vanessa? Last time I checked she was at the hospital recovering from being surgically… opened last night. Which you know never should have happened in the first place…"

Dan could see that Chuck Bass was less then amused with his pour attempt at a cover up. What else was he to do though? Vanessa was in enough pain, dealing with Bass would only make it worse. He couldn't put his best friend through anymore, even if she was the one that had gotten herself into the mess in the first place. It wasn't like Vanessa had asked for anything that had been put in front of her, she'd been stupid, yes, she'd caused her own fate. None the less she was still his Vanessa, his best friend that suddenly needed him to step in and protect her. Giving her up to Chuck would have only pushed her away when she really didn't need to be all alone. Dan wasn't going to be the one to let that happen. Really, it wasn't his or Chuck's place to really step in and decide what the next steps that needed to take place were.

'Humphrey, I don't have all day. Just tell her to get her ass out here. She's still supposed to be in the hospital before something happens to her."

Chuck tapped his foot on the linoleum floor underneath his foot and Dan yawned. They'd all had a bad night of sleep. That was the only time Dan could say something the same regarding the two of them. It didn't matter how bad of a night they'd all had. He still wasn't about to give up Vanessa. Maybe after she'd slept a few hours she'd be reasonable for him to talk her into going back to the hospital to at least have someone attempt to convince her to have the staples re shut. Moments went by without either one of them saying anything. Dan could see Chuck growing more and more impatient as the moments ticked by.

"I'm not here to play cops and robbers Dan. we both know she's not ready to be out of the hospital. Vanessa never should have checked herself out."

Of course it was something that Dan could easily agree with. She shouldn't have been out of the hospital already. He'd tried to reason with her, tried to convince her to go back. She was unreachable when it came to the things she stood on.

"We both know Vanessa, as much as I hate to say that. She's stubborn as they come. She only listens to herself, she's always been that way. Besides, if she was here, which she isn't,, why would I tell you? Of all people why would I tell you? She's stressed out enough, she needs rest. Think of what she's been put through Chuck, can't even you understand that?"

Leaning back against the doorframe Dan wasn't about to let Chuck pass into the hallway of the loft. He had no reason to be looking after Vanessa, Vanessa looked after herself. Dan was just there to play guard.

"DAN!"

Her aggravated yell came from his bedroom making both Chuck and Dan look one another in the eyes for a moment, a teasing smirk overtaking Chuck's face. he was clearly amused at the fact Vanessa had truly blown Dan's cover up. Someone needed to give a lesson or two to the two from Brooklyn. They clearly had hardly an experience.

"She still not here Humphrey?"

Dan bit his lip to not make anything sound more nasty then everything was already coming out. He was sick of them all, sick of the way everyone in the Upper East Side walked around like they'd owned everything. He'd missed it when they'd first graduated. But soon as Rufus and Lily had decided to combined the households everything from high school had come rushing back as if it hadn't ever gone away for more than a few days. It had only gotten worse with the fact that he was living under the same roof as Chuck Bass.

"Don't say I didn't try to help you."

Whispering out and turning to Vanessa as she started to come out of his room he didn't bother to look at her for a moment as he turned back to look at Chuck who was still impatiently tapping his foot on the floor waiting for Vanessa to come out of his room and show her face in the kitchen. Dan was ready for the fight that would soon ensue.

"I need clothes from Jenny… now."

Dan's eyes were on Chuck, he watched as Chuck raised his eyebrows for a second before scrunching his nose. Curious to see what the sudden look on Chuck's face was for Dan turned to look at his best friend. Her face was in a deep set glare that he found nothing different about till his eyes traveled her, the orange tank she'd had on under the hoodie was chuck's problem. The top half of her tank was soaked enough to turn a darker color then what it would have been if it were dry.

They both watched as Vanessa crossed her arms over her chest and Dan could have sworn there was an angle of discomfort in the way she did it. He couldn't really blame her he guessed, it couldn't have been very comfortable. Nothing Vanessa went through anymore was comfortable. Though in Dan's mind this all was the end of it, she could move on and go back to what her life had been before the two thousand and nine messes. He could have his old best friend back.

"I can't wait till I have control of my body again."

Catching her low mumble he watched as she shifted and tried somewhat to turn away from the two boys in front of her. He'd never seen Vanessa shy away from things. Dan could still remember her covered in Ruby's puke after coming home at three in three in the morning and Vanessa made her she was taken care of and tucked in before going to take a shower. The girl that just didn't give a damn what anyone thought about her? He never expected her to change any. If anyone would have fallen into the traps of the East Side Dan would have easily bet it would have been himself. Trying to follow the blonde who had for a piece in time been all that he'd thought about.

"You! Why the hell are you here anyway? Does it mean nothing that all I want to do right now is get away from you people?"

With the words out of her mouth she turned away from both of the boys and headed back to where she'd come from in Dan's bedroom slower than her usual pace. The pain she was in since the meds still had yet to kick in made it hard for her to do anything.

"Vanessa you can't hide from what happened forever. He needs you."

Chuck called to her back his voice a strange gentle which was a surprise and something that wasn't anywhere near his usual asshole tone. Who would have thought anything would make Chuck soft, especially when it came to aiding the side of Vanessa Abrams. Maybe changes weren't always a bad thing. But, that was just a maybe.

* * *

The very first crisp white snow flurries of the season crashed down on the cement around him as Nate Archibald sat on the bank of the duck pond looking out into the water through hazy eyes as he threw pieces of bread and the squawks and complaints around him filled the air. Nothing was entering Nate's ears, he was completely into his thoughts rather than catching any part of his surroundings. So much had gone on in the past few hours his head wasn't any longer processing things. His wet eyes had already been mistaken for sadness by the people who had passed their apologies to him. That wasn't even close to why the drops had appeared in the corners of his sapphire blues. The only emotions and feelings that were splayed in Nate's mind was relief. He had another chance now. With the confusion and boundaries that had been passed in front of him the past few months gone he was free to go back to the way he was used to things being. Back to the things he was used to doing. Had it not been as long of a night as it had been Nate might have had a smirk cross his face. The effects of the sleeping pill Chuck had pressed into his palm in the early hours of the morning still weren't fully worn off yet. There was enough on his mind without all of the effects being gone.

He's spent the morning with relatives hugging him and telling him they were 'sorry for his loss' something he'd heard so much the past year he knew just to smile regretfully and nod his head. If anyone could be a pro at wakes and funerals it was exactly what Nate Archibald was becoming. As if he really wanted a reason to visit with his family. They weren't exactly the best people on the East Side and over. There seemed to be a new gossip scandal whenever the family gathered. Maybe that was why they'd long ago stopped inviting the entire family to reunions. Or maybe it was because with all the funerals they were together at least once a year. He couldn't have cared any less today, none of the relatives or festivities meant anything to him. Now, being at the pond and being able to think to himself was the only thing he wanted or needed. A break from the general public didn't sound so bad.

Sitting on the bank consumed by his own thoughts he didn't care if anyone was around or if he was completely alone. The only thing Nate could think of was what was going on around him, how different and changed things suddenly were. He never once heard the slippery clicks of her heels as she stepped onto the cement sidewalk and walked towards him. It wasn't till her hands were on his shoulders that he knew the touch. A touch he'd known since the galas they danced at, at the age of three and a half.

"I thought I'd find you here"

Her voice was gentler then he's heard it in months, her touch more soothing as he never bothered to turn and face her. He didn't have to; she'd know the look on his face without trying. They hadn't spent years together for nothing. They had learned a little bit here and there. Just because they didn't have the lasting bond he had loved her more than anyone else for a few moments in time. Seeing here there now reminded him of the day his and Vanessa's relationship went down the drain. The day he'd offered Blair his jacket and gotten sucked back into the life he'd never wanted to be a part of for more than the money and stableness. Just like he and Blair talked about then, she liked having a plan, he also had to admit then that the fact of falling so head over heels in love for anyone wasn't a sought out plan. He'd only been looking for a plan back then. Now, the plan was crushed and ruined because from day to day Nate Archibald didn't know what was going to happen next. The only person who seemed to live so to day to day was Serena, and Serena still found it scary. What else was he supposed to think of it all, scared out of his mind didn't even begin to start the way he felt.

"Nate…"

Her coaxing voice didn't break his thoughts. His half wonder of what life would have been like if things had been different for the past year. He couldn't be sitting on the bank of the duck pond worried, confused, scared out of his mind rather than being in class in Cali sleeping with random girls and soaking up the sun. Part of him wondered what that life would have been like. the carefree life that he'd always had on the outside. When it really came down to it though Nate was pretty sure that it wouldn't have been the life that he would have wanted. It would have been a life without her. Something he was already trying to prepare himself for with little amounts of luck. He knew that now that things had taken place and everything had gone on there was nothing to tie him to her, no reason for her to continue their runs of here and there. No reason for them ever to be the solid that he silently wanted, all the things that he'd always been afraid to say out loud and knew she was more afraid of.

"Come on Nate, you can't shut yourself off from everyone."

It was the sentence out of her mouth that made him turn his head and finally look at her. his blue eyes so full of grief and worry that she'd never seen. Not even the day she'd sat beside him and clutched his hand in all fakeness as they were carried in the limo to his father's funeral. Not the day that they laid his mother to rest. There was so much more to this now, so much more then she'd never seen before. Part of Blair felt scared herself, this was all a part of growing up. Something that the façade of herself told everyone she was ready for.

"I'm not"

He said in a low dulled voice as she took her hands off of his shoulders and took a step back for him to get up. It might have been a low moment for him but Blair Waldorf wasn't about to sit on the ground in a perfectly brand new coat. Much as she felt herself vulnerable also she wasn't about to go that far with it all too. He stood up and she faced him, a smile not on either of their faces as she reached out and put her hand on the side of his face, prickly from no time to shave. She brushed his cheek as he cast his eyes down at the ground to nerved up to look straight at her. He'd end up admitting defeat if he did that. defeat in the fact that when Blair warned him Vanessa would be trouble he hadn't listened. Only, he knew they thought that of Vanessa for two completely different reasons.

"Chuck's at the…"

She began to say and Nate just nodded his head. He knew. Chuck texted him every ten minutes with updates. It was strange, Chuck Bass being worried and compassionate. Two things Nate hadn't ever seen of his best friend unless his precious scarf was missing. Nate could still remember the day that had happened. Age fifteen and the maid had been fired not minutes after then damn thing had been found of course.

"He went to find her Nate…"

Looking up then he finally met Blair's eyes and there was no sneer there. Something that right off the top confused him. They were talking about Vanessa and she seemed like she held no hostile hate for the moment. had things been in better spirits Nate might have asked her if she needed her temp taken. There was no room for joking though. Things were far too serious as Nate looked and listened making no attempt to make any comments. His own tries and calls to find her had resulted in nothing but head shakes and hang-ups.

"She's alright Chuck says, torn up but alright. You know in Chuck terms that probably means she's a mess. She's too much for a stubborn… she needs you Nate."

A smile started to cut his lips but quickly faded at the end of Blair's middle sentence. She'd almost gone back to the cutting and snappy ways she normally was to Vanessa. but the seriousness was back in a matter of seconds as the truth fell from Blair's lips. It was true. Things weren't going to get any better unless they worked through them together. He avoided her gaze again and looked up at the slowly falling snow flakes. He and Blair always seemed to have a thing for slight snowfalls.

"She's not my favorite person and we both know that but Nate, she needs to stop being so stubborn because she's not the only one hurting here. Chuck and I, and Serena… we can all try to make you feel better but it's not going to work. It's not us that can save you this time. With anything else it would be, with anything else I'd tell you that you need to grow up and get over it already. Open a new plan. But not this, none of us knows what you're going though. And Tripp and Maureen aren't going to help with anything. They don't understand either. You need her. You know how much I hate saying that."

There was another term of silence on both accounts as they both avoided looking at one another. in just the past few months things had changed more than they had for each in what seemed like they had in their entire lifetimes. There was hardly anything that could be said to make things different or better anymore. it was just all what it was and nothing more.

"I've tried Blair. I've tried and she won't let me in."

This was Nate breaking now, breaking from all the pressure of everything that had built its self up around him. They both knew Vanessa was stubborn as they came, stubborn enough to compete with Blair for the title. Blair had nothing left to say and there weren't any other words that Nate could come up with. They just stood silently again looking at one another.

"I know we've had some hard times lately but Nate, you know that regardless what's going on I'm here. I'm always here and I always will be. Even if she's not exactly my choice for you I suppose I can deal with her just for you. But I love you Nate, You know I always will."

Without anything else exchanged he reached out and pulled his once girlfriend but always close friend into a tight hug putting his head down on her shoulder. For a moment she was what he needed. A reminder that as much as things change there are someways that everything will always stay the same all together. Just because things had taken place that we're permanent for the rest of his life it didn't mean that they still wouldn't have one another. he'd still always have the past to fall back on. The friends that would always be there for his lifetime. If only that was all Nate needed anymore, then things would have been all set. Now, there was so much more than that. Things that he'd never be able to replace. They both knew things had changed but at the same time a small part of everything would forever be the same. You can change things but you can't re write what's already there.

* * *

His eyes weren't yet open as his hand reached onto the table beside his desk and felt along it for his cell phone. Though it wasn't on silent he half hoped it had gone off and he'd just slept through it. Even if he did know it was wishful thinking he clicked the sides of it anyway only to revile that it was two AM and he had no missed alerts. The only good news was that he'd gotten over an hour and a half of sleep without waking up. Something that he hadn't thought would be possible for the night. Not when he had so much on his mind and so much to worry about. His mind was so consumed as he laid back that he hardly made note that there was someone else in his bed. It wasn't till he stretched out and his hand came in contact with her soft sink. For a moment Nate panicked thinking that maybe he didn't remember exactly how he'd spent the night. He'd been so exhausted from the day. As his eyes adjusted though he could finally make out her figure, asleep on her side, left had resting on her slowly un swelling stomach.

A hand went out to touch her, to make sure she was real. Fingertips brushed her arm and she slowly rolled over onto her back, eyes still tightly shut. He felt himself partly freeze. If he woke her up she'd freak out and run, that wouldn't have made his night of sleep any easier. Knowing that she'd signed herself out of the hospital way before the doctors had agreed that she was ready was enough to make him worry. Lying on his side, head propped up with his hand he watched her sleep carefully laying a hand on the top of her arm. Things had changed so much in the past few months that Nate was sure his mind had lost half the coherence to tolerate confusion. Not that that had really been much to work with in the beginning. Everything that had taken place had just made it worse.

He ran his finger down the length of her arm while his eyes finally adjusted to the dark light of the room. She might have been asleep but she looked completely spent. He could tell by the way one arm was pinned in back of her head and the other crossed tightly over her stomach. The way she'd slept for the past few months, the way she no longer had any reason to sleep. Just the sight of her sleeping made him relax. Anything that meant she wasn't still in hiding for only god knew what reason. She was safe and finally asleep for a while.

Eyes continued to look at her as he noticed a color difference on her white tee shirt. The dark of the crimson color was even visible in the slight moonlight that shown through the shut shades. That was more than enough to make him worry more than he had been before, to worry with good reason. Feeling overprotective he reached out and put his fingertips on her tee-shirt only for her to jump out of her skin in reaction. The reaction made him back off right away as her eyes blinked open in pain right away.

"You're bleeding"

With a look that said 'thank you captain obvious' she narrowed it to a glare reaching to the side of her and turning on the light next to her side of the bed. She said nothing but the look on her face told him to shut up and not open his mouth. Instead he just watched her as she lifted her shirt and pushed down her sweatpants just enough for him to see her incision, the swollen red area in her stomach that half made him cringe and feel sick. Nate hadn't ever been good with things like that. But he noticed the two snapped staples that had happened sometime in the day. His gaze met hers for a moment as he reached out his hand to touch her, with hesitance on both of their accounts at first he lingered above her stomach for a moment before putting his hand down carefully.

"I'm fine"

She whispered out groggy from sleep. Her eyes still threatening to shut again to catch a few missed hours, he watched her every blink with his hand still resting on her. It had been months since he'd really gotten to touch her in anyway. Even if she wasn't any longer carrying their child he still felt the need to. His hand lingered for a moment more before he pulled it back to his side and laid just looking at her wordlessly. Moments passed with nothing but complete silence with the two of them just looking and reveling in the moment.

They lay in the bed completely silent just looking at one another for a few moments. No words were needed, looks were enough to convey the nerves and the hesitance that was being felt by both the people in the bed. He could see the exhaustion and frustration in herself reflected in her blue eyes and he was sure he could see it too in his. He couldn't keep himself from stopping as he reached his hand out and pushed a stray piece of hair behind her ear.

"How bad is the pain?"

For her to have winced earlier at even the softest of his touches had to have meant that the pain was the worst she'd ever been in. after hearing the other people in the waiting room talk about procedures and pain the selfish part of Nate was relieved that it wasn't him that had to be put through it. Vanessa was the tougher of the two of them. Well, she liked to act like she was the tougher of the two of them. Her tough act had a rough crack in it that he could tell was getting deeper and deeper as the hours passed by. Her eyes closed as his hand stayed station on the side of her face, his thumb rubbing a circle on her cheek bone.

"I took a Percocet from the Humphrey's medicine cabinet. Rufus had them left over from throwing out his back a few years ago. It works but only for so long. It's all just tense pain, I can deal with it though. It'll go away soon."

One of his hands made its way down her side to gently rest on her hip right next to where her stapled up incision was. he felt her nerve up for a moment before relaxing back at his touch. She knew he wasn't going to hurt her this time, not that he'd even meant to the first time.

"How'd you pull them?"

Now that she was more clam then she'd been before Nate felt a little less afraid to talk to her. He knew that she wasn't exactly in any sort of quick movement state of mind. She seemed a little bit more calm then she'd been when she'd first woken up beside him. That alone told Nate that even if things were in turmoil it seemed everything was still in its own sort of way alright. His fingers touched places over the white tee shirt over her staples. Staples over where their son had been over twenty-four hours earlier, something that seemed stranger to even think about.

"Climbing through the window of the loft, I just couldn't stay at the hospital anymore. I didn't… I didn't want to be around anyone."

Nodding his head it was genuine. He should have known she would have run, though, running was usually his way out of things. He moved his hand from her tee shirt back to the side of her face. With her laying there in front of him all he wanted to do was to touch. Just to touch her to know that she was really there laying beside him and it wasn't just another dream his mind was playing on him. If he couldn't have both of what he wanted he'd at least settled for one thing.

"How was the wake?"

She asked as she reached back to the side of her and shut off the light next to the bed, putting them both back into the darkness of the night. He let the silence fill them for a moment. Grandfather's wake had been in his own ways nice. With Tripp whispering beside him that Grandfather never got a chance to cut him off from his estate before the stroke Nate now knew that he'd be all set with money without having to panic. Not that any of that even mattered to him anymore. the money wasn't exactly important. It just helped with things.

"Long, dramatic, I don't know I didn't really care. I was more worried about leaving Chuck at the hospital to watch him without something going wrong."

Chuck Bass? Her eyes widened, Chuck had actually pulled the role of adult and stayed in the tense situation that with what Dan had told her had to have been hard for him. The thought of it all changed her perspective on things more than it had changed in the past months.

"But, what about him?"

He watched the tint in her eyes change to sudden regret as she looked everywhere but at him. Nate knew that if Vanessa could have suddenly rolled on her other side to get away from him she would have. It was one point where her pain might have saved him from her stubbornness. His own eyes looked at her waiting for her to look back at him. For once he had every bit of patients for as long as she wanted to take. It wasn't like there could possibly be a simple answer for the things she'd done. They both had conflicting feelings regarding everything.

"We're not supposed to be the ones there Nate. Do you really think it's going to do any good for you and I to be there. To hold him, to become attached to him, we need to let it go Nate. He belongs to them."

Biting the inside of his lip he knew he should have been good. She didn't need any more problems then what she already had to deal with. With the case of what they were talking about he couldn't restrain himself. How could he? Cael was their son. It didn't matter if Maureen and Tripp would be the ones raising him, they were the ones that we're responsible for him existing in the first place. Nate hadn't sat staring into a plastic incubator for nothing. he wasn't the one running away from overwhelming situations, he was banging into it head first. If someone it would have been that way a year ago he would have shaken his head and said never. A year ago he was following raging hormones that wanted to deflower a virgin that just happened to be Vanessa's best friend. The though made him shake his head. How could he have done that to her? after all he'd put her through. Maybe it had just been him angry with her for giving up on him, angry at her for trying to save him from the disasters he'd become.

"He's still your son Vanessa. Don't runaway just because you think he's just one more person you think you're going to lose. Don't try to say that's not what's wrong. Because, that's exactly the reason you push everyone away. I love you V, that's what you're afraid of. Because he's going to too. Cael and I aren't Ruby or your parents, we're not Jenny or Dan. I've disappointed you; I know I've done that. He needs you Vanessa."

The water was filling her eyes made him feel a rock in his throat. He hadn't meant to throw it all at her, he'd just felt like she needed to know what was going on and how he felt. He moved his body closer to her and was shocked when she didn't falter to move from him. Vanessa stayed perfectly still and let him wrap his arms around her pulling her closer to his chest. He felt every tense muscle in her body as he pulled her close and felt her completely let go on his shoulder. All of the pain and trouble she'd been in lately, everything came out in her own set of quiet tears and there was still part of him that told him she was just getting it all out of her system. In the morning she'd go back to shutting herself off from the world and she wouldn't let herself once think of Cael. But for the night he got to hold her as she let go of the buildup she'd had bottled up inside for more then to long already.

"It's ok V, hey, it's ok. It's not like you're supposed to know what to do right now. I don't know what to do. We have to take it one day at a time ok? And you need to stop running away from everything. Because that's the only way we're all going to come out of this whole thing ok."

Nate whispered in her ear as she cried. He felt like in one day he'd grown up more than he had in eighteen years. With the circumstances around them he didn't have much of a choice. He had her to take care of. Her and their son for as long as they could take care of Cael before he was released to Maureen and Tripp, he'd hold onto that all for as long as he could.

"You need to see him Vanessa. Just look at him, I think you at least owe him and yourself that one"

Stroking her hair as her tears continued to fall he couldn't stop, he couldn't move. All he'd wanted all day was here now that he had her he couldn't help but feel like something was missing. Something he knew was missing, their son. No matter what ways she tried to dance behind it and hide her pain he knew she felt it too felt the bond that was pulling at them both so deep to be back in the hospital doors looking at the tiny preemie fighting to stay alive. The little boy lying asleep without his parents, without anyone. God forbid Maureen and Tripp missed their beauty sleep. Nate wouldn't tell her that one though.

"He's got my eyes V, but, the shape of his eyes, his nose, his mouth… that's all part of you. In every bit of him you can see you in him. Just do it for yourself Vanessa. just go see him."

* * *

**Izzy** - Vanessa has to break down sometimes, she's been through way to much not to. but again, of course she hates crying so breakdowns don't happen as much as they should have.

NO! not being over them! Izzy! That makes me sad. I'll work hard to keep the over-them-ness away! lol

See evil kitty! Scott did her a favor on that one, that's about the only good thing he'll EVER do.

I love my Cael :X lol

**Jen** – If he wasn't confused he wouldn't be Nate. Nate's confused on a good day. What shall we do with him. I hated ending the chapter like that but I guess it had to be done. And I'm glad things aren't always what they seem to be. Aren't you. Just wait, uncle Chuck comes next chapter ;)

**Layla Persnickety** - As If I would hold Chuck back from his corrupting. He needs something to do when he's bored. Poor kid is doomed isn't he?

**Secret Reader** – :D sorry I didn't post sooner! Hope this cliffless chapter was good.

**Zenith16** – I couldn't do that to them, I've spent 'to much time with Cael' to hurt him in any way. Lol

**ALEX** – I owe you a long message on FF but I wanted to get this chapter out before I said anything. :D so that's what I'm doing now. Oh! I got the book! It looks pretty on my book shelf. Lol anywayss, you know there's never any rush to reviewing, I wait for your reviews. They make me happy. But you know all of this anyways.

I can't stand secret life but I see what you mean (and as I write this my best friend is watching the ep of Jenny/Nate and I'm gagging so bare with me) anyways. Nate's realized something he wasn't sure he would. He doesn't know if he can be back to life like it was before. I love Natie, he's a sweetheart. Now he just needs Vanessa to see the same thing. She doesn't want to admit anything… ughh stubborn!

Dan and Vanessa had had the plan, besides, he blames Nate to much already. If something had happened to Vanessa Dan might have killed him. Which in its self might have been amusing. Nate wasn't going to insist anything. it's all about making V happy. Even if she's asleep and can't make a single decision for herself.

I knew you'd hate Maureen and I have to say I'm starting not to like her very much either. But V has to look at it and decide for herself that maybe the course of action that she's taking isn't exactly the right one to take. She's stubborn. She needs to look at the whole thing rather then one piece of it counter acting with her own life. Maureen's just worried about her own life, she's afraid of change and she's not really ready to be a parent, she doesn't know how to be just yet. Maybe she'll fit into it. maybe not.

:D nope, its not a college thing for me. It just comes natural. Lmao, that didn't sound conceited or anything. I loveee the tape thing. I think I read it over and over. I don't even know where I got it from. completely random but it worked. Yess the V that should be seen more. She's hit the peak now of being tough. From here she can only go down now. it's all ways to much now isn't it?

Chuck is chuck… he always gets better. And from here watch, he's just going to get even better. You'll see.

Now, how could I kill my precious Cael? I'd be completely lost after that. I wouldn't have anything to write.

well here is major CD in this chapter just for youuu :DD

Sending you a message soon as I post this!


	21. In Order to Save Us Both

Manda's Note:

Now sadly its been forever and a day since I updated and maybe no one's reading this anymore, come on, show me you still have faith (at least a little) in NV. I don't plan on giving up on them any time soon. So I have a few NV one shots on the way and an update to Yellow on Blue that's half done so far. So yea, leave me your comments.

* * *

One of his arms was wrapped around her as the other pulled through her thick curls. He'd been awake while she slept for over two hours. Two hours of not wanting to move and just wanting to watch her, after the week they'd been through holding her while she slept was all he could have asked for. Nate leaned his head down and kissed the top of hers, his hand still combing through her hair. Everything just felt normal as he held her, the fact that they'd been through the most stress in either of their lives three weeks ago felt like something of the past. Not that what had happened would ever be in the past, things just felt a little bit more serene lying in bed as the snow fell outside the window. He dropped his hand from her hair as she reached down and pulled the blankets up around her tighter. Just looking at the snow outside made him cold. It would only be a matter of time before she was awake and on the phone with Cora, arranging a time to take the kids out for a snowball fight. Being calm wasn't Vanessa's style. Two days after her C-section she'd been back in class handing in assignments she'd done right after having him. This down time, with her mouth finally shut was nice. This way she couldn't voice any of her worries or regrets or fears.

It'd been a long time since he'd been able to lay there completely peaceful with arms around her. There was still something missing, he knew once she woke up she'd feel it too. The missing feeling of the infant that should have been lying in a bassinet beside their bed, who was he kidding? Leaving it all behind was a lot easier to think about then to act on. Every time he looked at Vanessa he thought about him, about the little boy that was missing from the apartment. There wasn't anything he wouldn't have done to have Cael with them. He couldn't figure out how to fill the void if Vanessa couldn't agree to it. It wasn't the best feeling to wake up to morning after morning but, he was beginning to get used to it. Still, it didn't diminish the fact that he wanted things to change, he wanted things to be simple. Things weren't ever simple, things apparently didn't know the definition of simple. Not that having Cael with them would have been simple. Getting up in the middle of the night to take care of a baby might have been one of the hardest things there was but it still would have been better then feeling like something was missing.

It was time to wake up, time to get her up, time to face the reality around him. Beginning to lower his head to kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear to wake her up Nate stopped, he could see the VHS on the night stand beside her. He'd been going through things in the brownstone, the random things that his mother had kept over the years. His curiosity lingered for a moment before he made up his mind and reached over her. Balancing his weight above her as he grabbed the VHS and slipped over her off of the bed taking one more pause in his movements to kiss her temple, allowing his lips to linger for a moment. They'd come such a long way from being a blimp on Gossip Girl's radar.

Standing up he walked to the door way, only turning around to look at her once to make sure he hadn't woke her up. She was still sound asleep as he shut the bedroom door behind him and wiped a cloud of sleep out of his own eyes. The apartment was immaculately clean, she must of done it before she'd come to bed. Which only could have meant that her anxieties had been on the rise before she'd gone to bed, he was instantly glad he'd gone to bed before her, they hadn't needed to argue about anything else. He didn't need anything else that would make her relieved when he left to go back and resume classes at USC. He'd been given three weeks to take care of things. Three weeks had quickly worn out and slipped away and now Nate was faced with the big decision. Was he strong enough to actually leave the city and go back to classes. He felt like it was turning his back on everything, but, at the same time there was a part of him that knew it would be for the best.

After putting the VHS in he walked back around to the chocolate leather couch and laid down, remote in hand. The feel of the cool materiel under him told him he should have brought a blanket. It was too late for that as he reached for the remote and pressed play. The video started instantly and Nate's eyes were right away glued to the screen, watching as the images on the tape moved around. They were so familiar yet at the same time he couldn't remember any of it. sitting there watching the people on the tape he couldn't take it, the images made him feel guilty, not the smartest way to start off his morning. He needed to change his mood before she got up too. Shutting off the TV he stood up and tossed the remote onto the couch, he needed to get out of the apartment for a while.

Putting on his shoes and grabbing his coat he was out of the house seconds later, his cell phone still left behind in the bedroom. For a little while he needed to separate himself from everything, go for a run through central park like he'd done morning after morning when the captain had been alive. There were many times he missed his own father, mornings like this was the very example of why. At least he would have known a little bit of what Nate was going through, a little bit of how alone he really did feel.

Her eyes opened seconds after the door shut. The bang of the wooden door making her eyes blink open right away. Her mind not registering that he'd left. Vanessa's arm stretched over to his side of the bed only to feel the bed still somewhat warm from him being beside her. Rubbing her hands over her eyes she focused out the window on the slow falling snow. It was coming down hard out the window. Late November and already there was nothing but a blanket of snow on the ground. At least she'd have a distraction for the day. Cora's kids would have helped with that in a heartbeat. Though they'd ask for more pictures, pictures that Vanessa couldn't give them. It was only Nate that sat there day after day. Vanessa couldn't bring herself to do it, not to get any closer to something she couldn't hold onto. Nate might have been strong enough to handle it but Vanessa wasn't. Closing her eyes tightly she pushed the thoughts from her mind. She wasn't about to wake up in the same mind frame she'd gone to sleep in.

"Nate?"

Her sleep filled voice called out only to get no response. She wasn't sure of the emotion she was supposed to feel. Either relieved that he wasn't hovering and trying to get her to talk about her feelings or upset that he wasn't there with her. Part of her knew she should have been getting along with the silence. Soon it'd be just her and he'd be back at school. That was something she wasn't sure if she was ready for. It meant she'd probably be spending many nights at Cora's surrounded by the kids. Her dorm room was beginning to become harder and harder to stay at, and, the apartment wouldn't be any fun alone. Too many reminders were everywhere she turned. It was all turning out to be harder than she'd planned it to be. She hadn't planned on getting so involved with the life she couldn't have. It was becoming harder and harder to pretend she was still the same person.

The empty feeling that lingered over her every day just made it worse. She missed having him to talk to; he'd been a good listener for the less than thirty odd weeks he'd been with her. Now, Vanessa just felt alone, regardless of how hard Nate tried to get through to her he wasn't helping anything. Being able to slip back into her favorite jeans was great and all but, she really didn't care for it. she'd gotten used to the comforts of sweatpants and baggy shirts.

It was nine twenty-five in the morning she spotted as she stood up from the bed. He couldn't have been too far, probably on his way to the hospital. It was still the place that she refused to venture off to. She'd had her staples fixed three weeks ago but she hadn't been back sense. Distancing herself was the only way she could keep herself together, or so she liked to believe. She hadn't even held him, she couldn't bring herself to look at him. The pictures were all she could handle, all of the machines looked bad enough in photos, and she wasn't ready to see them in person. She wasn't ready to see Cael in person with the possibility that things still wouldn't be ok. There was still a distinct feeling that lingered over her that it was all her fault.

"Nate?"

She called out again hoping that maybe he'd be there, maybe he wouldn't come home again with photos that she didn't want to look at. There wasn't any luck to her call as she made her way out of the bedroom and to the living room. The only noise in the house was coming from the television. It'd been the sound of the little laughter that had made her look in the first place as it was. It was then that she stopped in her steps and focused on the screen.

_A sandy haired child about the age of six was moving close to the camera so that his bright blue eyes were only inches away from the lens. Just from the eyes he was unmistakable. The goofy smile on his face as he backed up a few steps just added to the easy identifying. He looked ridicules in the black and lime colored sweater vest, his hair that was supposed to be combed over to the side, something that had clearly been done by his mother, or a nanny. Yet the child Nate didn't seem to care how he looked. He was more infatuated with where the giggling was coming from in back of him. It seemed like every time child Nate got closer to the camera a fit of giggles sounded from in back of him. The amused giggles continued until Nate turned from the camera to look at the source of it. That was the moment the camera panned to revile the source of it, the little girl with ash blonde hair sitting on a younger Anne's lap. She had the same piercing blue eyes as her brother, and her dress held the same colors he had on. There was one big difference, that being the oxygen tubes in her nose, the pick line clearly in the veins of her hand. She looked so tiny and fragile as she sat watching her brother intently._

_"Do again Natie! Do again!"_

_Ruthie's face lit up yet the deep bags under her eyes prevented her from looking happy and at peace. It wasn't hard to tell that the little girl had seen better days, much better days. Her lips were white against her already pale skin as she reached out for her brother to come closer to her. Right away without a moments hesitation the little boy hopped closer to her placing an urgent kiss softly to her cheek making her smile brighter again. So bright that it nearly touched her eyes, the identical smile on Nate's face showed a taint to it. it looked like both of the children in front of the film frame knew a bout of tragedy that was destine to hit. The younger Anne looked like she hadn't slept in week, her eyes were bloodshot from crying as she looked at her two children, taking them in for a moment._

_"Ruthie, baby, Mammie and I are going to go get you and Nate ice cream ok?"_

_Anne whispered as she kissed the little girl's head and slipped her off of her lap and onto the bed. Ruthie nodded her head as Nate took this mother's spot on the bed beside his little sister. The camera shifted a bit as it was left to reflect across from the bed. Focusing on the two kids sitting on the bed, watching as the adults walked out of the room shutting the door behind them. The nursery was changed, it looked more like a hospital room then a little girl's bed room. It looked just as sterile and uncomfortable as a hospital room. the only thing that held it back from being so were the large black and white photos of the two siblings and the stuffed animals placed neatly around the room._

_"Natie? Chrissie says I is gonna be a angel soon. Will you still love me if I in heaben Natie?"_

_There was no doubt that the little girl was wise far beyond her years. Wise and prepared for a demise that no four year old should have been dealing with. Faced with death and ready to handle it, it wasn't like the little girl had any other choice. She knew it and her brother did too, it was obvious in Nate's face that he too knew that his sister was going to die and she didn't have very long left. His blue eyes filled with sorrow as he reached out and took his baby sister's hand, his finger lightly tracing the IV insert very gently. There was a silence for a moment as brother and sister looked away for a moment, letting the sadness linger in the air like a thick blanket of pain._

_"I always love you Ruthie. I told you Ruthie, always and forever. I promise"_

_Little Nate whispered as he laced his pinky with his baby sister's. Even her tiny hands looked breakable compared to her brothers. Yet, he was so delicate with her, touching her as careful as he could not to hurt her. It was visible even in his movements that he'd been reminded over and over that Ruthie was sick and she wasn't getting better. This movements were far more mature for his age then the average six year old should have been._

_"Natie? Can you take care of Bear too? So he's not lonely."_

_It was clear as day as a single tear slipped down the little girl's cheek and she attempted to swat it away with the back of her hand. Nate took the stuffed bear from the bed in back of him and put it in Ruthie's lap as he nodded his head still looking away from his baby sister. Still trying to wipe away her own little tears, with one of her hands she picked up the teddy bear and snuggled it to her face hiding the tears that were slowly slipping._

_"I'll take care of him always Ruthie."_

_Little Nate whispered as he looked up at Ruthie for a moment. The bittersweet scene in front of the camera progressed as Nate grabbed Ruthie's hands and started to play the itsy bitsy spider. His voice singing the lyrics as he traced out patters and letters in the palm of her hand, making Ruthie drop the bear from her face with the slightest of smiles as she turned her face downward to look at her older brother attempting to cheer her up. A scene that would have been a perfect angelic brother sister moment if it wasn't so tainted by machines and for coming turmoil._

She couldn't keep her eyes on the images on the screen any longer. The water that filled her eyes was something she refused to let fall as she stood up and shut off the television. She hadn't cried about anything yet and she wasn't about to allow it to happen. She knew once she finally broke and started to cry it very well might have never ended and she wasn't about to risk it. That was the last thing she needed him to come home to. Looking up at the ceiling to stop herself from crying she took a deep breath before walking back to the bedroom. Maybe she shouldn't even have gotten out of bed to begin with.

It was the first time she'd ever seen Ruthie. The close resemblance she carried like her brother. How sick she really looked near the end of her days. It was also the first time that she'd ever seen Nate looking so innocent, beside the times he came home from the hospital after holding Cael. The pain in Nate's eyes on the video was the same pain that shown back at her every day since Cael had been born. It made her feel even guiltier for putting him through the pain that had been the past few months. The feelings of regret Vanessa had over everything that had to do with Cael were immense and she couldn't explain exactly why. It was the same thing that held her back from seeing him.

There was one thing though, one thing that made her feel like maybe she did need to take a walk to the hospital, made her feel like something was pulling her there for a reason. Lying down on the bed she pulled the bear off of the shelf beside her, the same teddy bear that had been in the video with Ruthie. The bear that Nate had placed beside Vanessa herself the summer after Lilly Van der Woodsen's wedding to Bart Bass. The teddy bear she'd held onto since that morning waking up beside it. now that she knew its history and just how important it was she didn't understand why he'd left it with her. The only thing she knew was that maybe Bear wasn't hers to hold onto. Maybe Cael needed him.

* * *

She wasn't sure what exactly what she was doing or thinking when she'd walked out of the apartment and into the snow holding on tight as she could to the teddy bear in her arms. All she'd known was that she needed to drop off the bear, and she'd needed to do it in person. There'd been something in Ruthie's face, something about the video that had made Vanessa feel the need to get out of the apartment and to the hospital soon as she could. She might not have been sure if she was ready to see Cael as more than just pictures. There was a first day for everything. She just knew that she needed to get in the NICU its self before she lost her nerve and turned around running out the other way before anyone saw her. There was so much attached to seeing the baby for the first time, laying her eyes on all of the machines he was attached to. There was something about it all that scared her more than she ever dared to let on. This was all bigger then what she'd thought of any of it, Maureen was supposed to take the urgency about it all away. Something about Maureen and Tripp lately wasn't making her all that comfortable with her decisions.

"Can I help you miss?"

Only steps away from reaching the NICU window a nurse stopped her. Vanessa opened her mouth to talk but the words refused to come out, her hands just gripped tighter to the bear in her arms as she started to shake her head and retreat her steps. She didn't know what to call him, what was Cael to her now? What did Nate say every time he walked into the hospital. It was a bad idea, coming to the hospital. She didn't belong there, he wasn't hers. Why did she want to put herself through any more of it if it was all just yet again going to break her heart.

The past months rushed through her head and all of the options she'd both used and turned away. She'd grown up in the time that had passed, they both had. She'd never seen Nate seem so adult before. In the beginning she hadn't thought it would have been even remotely possible. Somewhere along the way things had turned around. It seemed almost as if the scripts had reversed and she was the one acting more childish and running away, something she hadn't seen as being possible, attachment had always been her downfall but there was a time when it was Nate's too. When he ran away from responsibility and commitment, where had all of that gone?

"Gloria, don't give her a bad time. She's here to see her son."

The sound of the voice in back of her made her look up. Her sister's voice was the last voice she'd expected to hear, the last face she'd expected to see at the hospital. There were moments she'd wondered if Ruby even remembered any moment of the past months or if she'd been to stoned and drunk to remember a single second of anything that had happened. Seeing her sister now walking toured her she was a little confused, maybe everything really was a dream. Because these were bizarre turns in the story her mind could only have fabricated. As Ruby walked forward she grabbed a hold of Vanessa's arm and nearly pulled her forward. She barely had a moment to catch her breath never mind move away from the pulling.

"Ness come on, I'll bring you to them"

She felt like she couldn't move from her spot as her sister held tightly onto her arm in attempts to pull her along. Ruby stopped at that point and stood in front of her. Vanessa looked her sister over and there was something odd that she hadn't seen since Ruby was eleven or so in her eyes, clarity, the drug altered haze that normally clouded Ruby's vision wasn't there. The brown cat-like eyes simply showed dominance that Ruby often expressed.

"Vanessa stop running away, those boys in there need you. So suck up your hesitance and your 'woah is me' complex and get your ass in there right now. Then if you can get Richie Rich out of here at some point tonight the girls and I are playing at the bar cross the city. I badly need to get shitfaced tonight, come smoke for a few hours."

The familiarity that resounded in Ruby's voice sounded like the sister she'd learned to love over the years. She didn't bother to object to the night out as with what Ruby had stated, she wouldn't remember anything she'd said once night came. It was still the fact that she was sober enough to be there. The fact that she was in the same room with Nate without clawing his eyes out hadn't yet hit Vanessa. That wasn't something to typical either. She stood there looking dumbfounded at Ruby for a moment. her brain wasn't working quite as fast as it usually did.

"What's going on out…"

Coming out of the nursery Nate stopped in his tracks and looked back and for the between the Abrams' sisters for a moment before walking up to them. From what Vanessa could tell he had yet to notice the bear tucked in her arms. That took a few more moments. She knew as soon as the sapphire blues connected with the bear that he knew why she was there. She saw his eyes fill with a mixture of surprise and confusion. A look she'd actually missed him having. She watched him turn his head and actually press a small smile on his lips while he looked at Ruby.

"Ruby, can you go watch him for a little bit? V and I… we need to talk."

He said as he reached out to grab a hold of Vanessa's arm carefully. Ruby nodded her head slightly before turning to go back into the room. the pair still left outside exchanged a pointed look before retreating back through the double doors into the elevator.

"She's been good with him, checks on him every day."

Nate said casually as he pressed the buttons on the elevator. There was something in his talking, something strange and disconnected. Looking at him she noticed he wouldn't look at her, he wouldn't even the slightest bit turn his face to meet her eyes. His motions were making her nervous. The elevator ride seemed to take forever till they finally reached the ground floor. He exited out the elevator and the doors ahead of her, never glancing back. She started to worry for Cael, her mind analyzing that he was there to break some bad news to her. She couldn't help but wonder to herself why she'd actually decided to go to the hospital in the first place. Maybe she really wasn't supposed to. That was what the silence proved.

"I know it's probably not something that you really want to talk about but Nate, I have to ask it. Why, why did you give me Ruthie's teddy bear. Even before Cael, you left me the bear…"

Breaking the awkward silence that had settled between them as soon as they'd gotten she tried to follow through with what she'd wanted before she'd gotten there. Somehow the comfort level never came. There was still a cold isolation that stood between the two of them, an isolation that she couldn't figure out. There was something standing between them, some wall that he'd put up for reasons she had yet to know. He was quiet for a while, like the words had escaped him.

"Grandma Margie, who, Ruthie always insisted on calling Mammie bought her this one. She held onto it till the moment she died. That's what my father told me when he brought it home from the hospital anyway. My father, after Ruthie died he didn't want this thing touched. My mother on the other hand was the one that decided Ruthie's wish needed to be followed through. Every night that I slept home until I was fourteen she'd sneak in after I'd gone to sleep and place it next to my head and every morning I'd wake up and wonder how the hell it'd gotten there. I guess part of me just wanted a part of Ruthie to hold onto when I thought it was her sneaking Bear into my room. I know a lot of that was what my mother hoped also."

With him speaking softly she was just as quiet as she listened and followed his lead over to the benches. His refusal to look at her held the nagging feeling that something was coming. Vanessa couldn't help but think for a moment that maybe she wanted his hovering because his cold shoulder was more then she could handle she was beginning to think. She had enough stress and pain to be able to handle anymore. She stayed silent with her eyes focused on the cracks in the sidewalk, listening to the slow sound of his even breaths as the wind blew.

"That night before I left for the summer, after I kissed you goodbye and tucked you into your bed I noticed something. For once I was worried about someone other than myself. I was worried about how you would hold up during the summer, how you'd deal with Ruby's hospital runs all on your own. Believe it or not I didn't want to leave you, I was afraid you'd forget about me and move on, I was afraid that I'd… well, do exactly what I did. I wanted you to have something that would make you think of me, something that in so many ways made me stronger. I just thought that maybe Bear could do that."

Quietly biting on her lip she hugged the stuffed bear to her chest. He was right, the stuffed animal had helped her on the nights he wasn't there through the summer and even following it. it had been her connection to him. daring herself she looked up at him, her eyes settling on him still looking away.

"V… I'm leaving in two hours."

He said softly almost under his breath like. She looked up immediately, feeling like everything had come to a sudden stop. She knew he had to go back. He had classes to get back to. There was only so long that a person could play the mourning cards and pay people off. She just hadn't expected it to be already, maybe it was because part of her didn't want to let him go already. She knew that once he left that would be the last of her updates unless she decided to go and check on him herself. It would be the end of having someone there with her unless she went back to her dorm. The dorm room sounded like the very last place she wanted to be.

* * *

She'd fallen apart only moments after Nate had gotten on his plane to get back to California, in the small communal bathroom of her dorm. Against Blair's wishes he'd picked her up off the ground and carried her out to his limo. If Blair was just going to degrade her it was the last thing she needed, even he could see that. Vanessa had been through enough in the past three weeks. Between giving her son away for what she thought was better and the guy that was the one person she'd sacrifice her own happiness for leaving to go back to the life he was living she needed a break for it all. Vanessa's tough image was deeply cracked yet he had no doubt that her walls would be back up with duct tape the next time he stepped into his suit, if she was even still there of course. His best friend was destroyed also. He'd never seen Nate so broken down and out of it. The joint they'd smoked before he'd gotten on his plane to go back hadn't helped either. Nate was still a walking haze, it wasn't even confusion that clouded his eyes, and it was more anger and hurt than anything else. A part of him was missing. Even Chuck could see it.

That's what led him to his new destination in the first place, a place he didn't quite like. Then again who for any reason liked hospitals. Even maternity wards spelled out death to him, they always did and he was sure they always would. It was his mother's final resting place within the walls. Women gave their lives for things that would always be ungrateful for it. The unconditional love that oozed was sickening, it was laced with the someday to be disappointments and straining behavior. All things that he didn't want to deal with ever. When he looked at the big picture though there was a kid in the walls of it that needed him, a kid who's parents had probably deeply screwed him up already in his life. That's what Chuck was there for. To somewhat mend their accidents. Cael needed someone on his side after all. City savvy Maureen and always high Tripp, Chuck would be damned if that's who the kid grew up with. Chuck had spent far too much time worrying about him to allow that to happen. The kid had put too much of a strain on his own friendships for it all to be for nothing.

Flashing the nurse at the door a smirk she looked him over trying to figure out why the hell he was there. Ok, so maybe nurses weren't the best people to pull into closets. They were all too uptight. As if the things in the incubators in the rooms were really that important. He supposed to some people they might have been, Punky Brewster and Nate were sure taking the hit harder then it just being a passing thing. He didn't understand it and he wasn't going to try to. He was just there to say his piece and give his opinion. Let the kid know he wasn't completely surrounded by idiots. He'd checked before he got there, Maureen was at a tea with some committee or other and Tripp was on a boat with friends, sailing to god only knew where. At least, that was the story he was telling people. Chuck hadn't ever trusted a word out of the guy's mouth. Tripp and Maureen, they were already the normal careless couple of the East Side, it wasn't fair to be adding the kid into it.

"Cael Arc… Vanderbilt"

Chuck sneered the end of his name, it was like sentencing the kid with a death sentence with the last name Vanderbilt. Archibald didn't mean half that. At least it sounded less demanding. The nurse didn't budge to move out of his way as he glanced at the watch around her wrist as if to tell her he had places to be and people to see that were important. He didn't have time to wait around for whatever bullshit and questions the uptight woman in front of him was going to put him through.

"Name and relation?"

Rolling his eyes his mind thought fast, he should have been more then he was. He'd still be holding out to be, the two idiots would wake up and notice they were driving their son into hell if they left him with Maureen and Tripp. Cael would have been better with the two of them then he could have been stuck with Maureen and Tripp, at least Nate and Vanessa seemed to have a little more of it together then Barbie and Ken of the Upper East Side did. For some reason Chuck felt like he needed to show Cael that some people could hold things together.

"Chuck Bass… uncle"

The word out of his mouth felt funny, sure, he'd said it before but in either joking or sexual manners. This wasn't either of those. This was real and there was an actual kid hanging off of it. The uptight nurse who he was sure hadn't been laid in months if ever slowly nodded her head still assessing him before she turned her back and started to lead him to the incubators. With a few more steps closer to the incubator a short brunette popped out in front of him in mid stride.

"Mr. popular, he hasn't had anyone here today. I think he was starting to get a bit lonely. Looking at you I'm going to guess you're a friend of Nate's. A friend of Vanessa's was here last night, Georgina? Yea, that was her name. Cael exercised his lungs while she was here yesterday. Here, have a seat. I'll get him ready."

Georgina? So the kid already needed a block list of people that shouldn't have been allowed in to visit him. Why had she been there in the first place? Chuck wasn't about to over think it, he had more important things to be considering and devising. Like the younger nurse in front of him was acting like she'd ingested an entire box of sugar before work. She was the same one from Vanessa's hospital room so he half expected it. Then panic set in, he never said he planned on holding the thing. He was just there to… ok so maybe he wasn't sure why he was even there in the first place. He knew what it was like to be alone, for some reason that wasn't the way he wanted the kid to be, not something that made for a very good childhood. For some reason the kid meant more than that to him. It wasn't the way Vanessa or Nate would have wanted him raised. That was the way of the UES's. Not that it was all bad in Chuck's opinion, Vanessa's opinions was a different subject. Poor kid was doomed no matter what way it was spun.

"He's not doing really well with breathing today but, I think it might be for attention, he likes to hear the sound of the machines going off and everyone to rush over and crowd around him with worry. He's not the biggest fan of being left alone."

As inappropriate as it might have been Chuck couldn't help the light laugh that came through his lips. The kid already sounded like a UESer, doing things for attention. Even if that wasn't exactly the case it was probably better to think of it like that. That would have made Nate and Vanessa much less worried, at least, it would have made Nate worry less. All of that swept from his mind as Gianna turned around with the diaper clad, wire hooked up baby in her hands. Chuck's second thoughts of being there rose to his throat; it really wasn't a good idea to be there. He hadn't planned on any of this. Damn his impulsive thoughts.

"Don't panic, he's not as fragile as he looks. Especially this one, he's a tough little guy."

Letting out squeaky discontented screams every few seconds Chuck looked at the baby as though it were a bomb about to blow up in Gianna's hands. It sounded like a kitten that had been separated far too early from its mother. The little cries sent chills up his back, kids were noisy but this one was halfway mute. He was used to the television's version of child's cries and this wasn't anywhere near that. This cry was weak and lonely. His own nervousness only seemed to intensify as she slipped the low weighted bundle into his hands.  
Cael felt lighter than his best old bottle of scotch, yet, that was how Chuck remembered to be careful. Old bottles of scotch had to be tended to carefully as did the baby now in his hands. His head, neck, and half of his body fit right in Chuck's palm as he awkwardly crooked his arm leaving his left hand free to hesitate to touch. So he didn't touch, he dropped his hand to the arm of the chair and just looked at the baby boy who's blue eyes were wide open and staring in an exhausted manner. Cael was three weeks old and already he looked like life had beaten him around. Chuck was half sure it had. It wasn't like the kid had even remotely had smooth sailing when it came to what he'd seen of life so far.

"I'll give you two some time to get acquainted."

She'd missed Chuck threatening her with his eyes not to leave him alone with the squirmy preemie. Gianna skipped away almost as fast as she'd appeared. Leaving Chuck with the tiny child in his hands, he was stuck without any way to just flee out the door and leave till it was over. His eyes looked down at the small thing. Everything about it was littler then anything he'd ever held, the little arms and fingers that were grabby and trying to touch things. If the kid wasn't so wrapped up in tubes and surgical tape Chuck would have been afraid he would have slipped out of his hands somehow. Cael seemed to lack the energetic disposition that all of the other foreign things in the other incubators around him seemed to have. The only thing Cael seemed to do was to open up his big blue eyes and stare quietly without any sort of sound or movement. The silence and awkward quiet of his surroundings around the both of them told Chuck that he was supposed to be doing something other than looking at the thing in his hands as if it were just going to disintegrate. The silence loomed for a few more moments before Chuck felt compelled to say something to him.

"They don't always suck, your… Nate and… your mom and dad"

The words tasted funny coming out of his mouth, referring to his best friend as a father wasn't something Chuck could have imagined, and he still had a hard time with it. Now that his best friend's son was in his hands it still felt surreal. With hesitance Chuck lifted his empty hand and held above Cael for a moment, trying to decide if he should have put it down or not. It only took a moment of his hand looming over the baby for the child's slow reflexes to work and all five of his miniature fingers to wrap as much as a tiny hand could around one of Chuck's fingers. The feeling stung him. Chuck hadn't been expecting the baby to make any sort of contact. He hadn't even expected the kid to know he was there, who knew just what babies comprehended. He was Nate's son, Chuck didn't expect very much.

"You really are listening… aren't you? More than I can say for the two of them kid."

* * *

TeamDimples – Updated! Sort of a filler chapter, next chapter is much more intense than this one is. Also, it'll come out sooner than this one did.

Pinkprincess007 – that's what I was aiming for. The relieved suspense that doesn't come till the end. No, if I'd of killed Cael Vanessa would have been a lot less calm then she was. Besides, without Cael I wouldn't have much of a story now would I? lol I've worked to hard on this little boy to let that happen.

Izzy – I don't know if you're even still around :( but anyways. Hated grandfather, and to through you all off he was the only one I could think of to kill off. I guess it worked like I'd hoped it would.

Don't worry, normal Vanessa will be back, I think she needs to have an argument with Chuck over something or other… hmm now I'm gonna go figure out why I always use Chuck to redeem her… interesting. Anywaysss

I think (can't believe I'm saying this) I've learned to like Blair rather than despise her. (wow that was hard to write) as for the NV scene I think I've read it over and over just for the cuteness.

Jen – Blair and Chuck have grown on me… what can I say. As for that Chuck/Cael moment well… I hope you like it. there will defiantly be more Blair coming up soon.


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